Thursday, May 26, 2005

Hershey Park Announces Massive Renovations

In response to a coaster enthusiast's comment that Hershey Park has too many hills, executives announced today that the park will undergo one of the most extensive renovations ever attempted.

The comment appeared at Coasterbuzz in a trip report about the park, where the poster claimed, "I could have done without the steep hills, but the park does a good job of marking them on the maps and also with park signage."

"Hershey Park will be closed for the season as of this Monday," stated a park rep. "After that, the huge renovation will begin. First, we will remove each and every ride, especially the ones built to take advantage of that hilly terrain. Then we will bring in hundreds of gigantic earth movers and other heavy construction equipment in order to level the entirety of Hershey Park. When we finish the project, sometime around 2011, we will reopen with a new look: a flat little square of pavement with some rides on it."

The rep also announced that the park would offer rickshaws, hovercraft, and moving sidewalks that will help cart lazy-ass enthusiasts to any point they wish within the new park, preventing them from having to move their feet, legs, or buttocks in any way whatsoever.

"We have heard the complaints from the enthusiasts," said the rep in conclusion. "and we have listened."