Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Cedar Fair Announces New Names for Geauga Lake Rides

Following the lead of Clementon Amusement Park renaming the 2004 wood coaster "Sunami" from "Tsunami," a number of Geauga Lake rides will be able to sport new names that will require minimal changes in park signage.

"This is the only way we could possibly change the names of the rides in the less than one month time frame we had between the sale of the park and the April 1st opening," said Bill Spehn, Geauga Lake's new General Manager.

Effective immediately Raging Wolf Bobs will drop the "R" and become Aging Wolf Bobs. The first half of the ride will not receive the retracking Six Flags scheduled for last season; this decision has been justified as ensuring "thematic integrity."

In an effort to pick up the valuable 12-18 demographic, The Villain will become "The Illin'." Queue line graffiti will remain intact. Also, the Yo-Yo will be renamed "yo-YO MAMA."

In an interesting move that will pay tribute to an accident that occured at another Cedar Fair amusement park in California, the Shipwreck Falls will be renamed "Hip Wreck Falls."

To calm the nerves of those who are upset over the park's decision to shutter the Wildlife side, the Pirate Flight will be renamed the "Irate Flight." "Irate: 4D" will feature live three-dimensional footage of the abandoned stadiums, penguin exhibits, and whale exhibits, including graphic representations of the penguins' abandoned bodies decaying.

To attract attention from coaster enthusiast clubs, namely ACE, the SKY COASTER will be renamed the K.Y. Coaster. Riders will be lubricated as to allow easier fit into the flight suit.

In an attempt to be more politically correct, the Black Squid will be renamed "The African-American who Bears a Non-Sexual Resembalance to a Squid."

--CP

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Busch Gardens Trumpet Player Sets Sights on Met Opera Orchestra

Following what he called his "totally dominating" performance over the first weekend of Busch Gardens Williamsburg operations, Starlight Orchestra Third Trumpet Steve Cupples announced his future plans to enthusiastic observers. "I'm way too damn good for this sorry-ass gig," said Cupples, a first-year Music Therapy student at Christopher Newport University. "I'm ready to ditch these lowbrows and let the rest of the music world feel my thunder."

Next month, Cupples will be taking off from work for the weekend to take the Principal Trumpet audition for the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, considered to be among the finest orchestras on the planet.

"Those bitches didn't know what hit 'em," said Cupples. "I was bustin' out those triple high C's, ripping off those solos like the unholy love child of Maynard and Miles. Not a single splee-ya, no fracks, no cracks, just a smooth, awesome tone that blasted the horn players over like fields of wheat. The audience loved my ass, yo."

Experts report that the trumpet audition for the Met will likely draw over four hundred candidates, half of whom will be eliminated by tape audition before several high-pressure rounds of solos and orchestral excerpts determine the finalists. Dozens of professionals and students fresh out of Juilliard, the Peabody Conservatory, and the Eastman School are expected to compete for the job considered one of the most difficult in the classical music business to win. But Cupples is unconcerened.

"Those bitches can't keep up with me," he says. "My weekend of experience as a real professional, working as third trumpet in an amusement-park big band show, will intimidate those conservatory punks into submission. The only thing I need to decide is whether to just accept the Met job when I win it, or whether I should wait until the Cleveland Symphony and Vienna Phil make better offers, so I can play all those stupid bitches off each other for more dough."

"Generally, orchestra musicians with decent jobs practiced for hours a day from a very young age and went to top music schools," said Amy Schwartz Moretti, Florida Orchestra Concertmaster and frequent solo artist, in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. "I've never heard of some guy winning a major orchestra gig after one weekend of playing whole notes for a band at an amusement park, but I guess it could happen. Heck, it sure would've saved me a lot of time if I'd done it that way!"

When asked to comment on Cupples's chances at the upcoming audition, visitors to the Italy section of Busch Gardens Williamsburg reported that the third trumpet player was "pretty loud," "had a high, piercing tone quality," "made weird farty sounds more than actual pitches," and "blended poorly with the trombones."

--JCK

Monday, March 29, 2004

Team Woo Faces Competition

Amongst the large bellies, neon shirts and coaster tattoos of ACE's Spring Fling event at Six Flags over Georgia, this crack ARN&R reporter recently uncovered a battle brewing of epic proportions. While Team Woo has long been established as a set of enthusiasts with a pathetically annoying online presence, Whootah! recently challenged Woo's place at the top and is therefore this week's Site O' The Weak.

As this reporter walked around Six Flags over Georgia last weekend, he could not help but notice the ugly baby blue shirts and the uglier people in them. Simple yet toolish, their body wear displayed the detailed web address that I later found had an active message board and random graphics. With this simple web declaration the proverbial gauntlet had been thrown down.

At this time this reporter cannot offer additional insight into these beings (often nicknamed the beautiful people). But we assure you that our staff will burn the midnight oil in the massive AbsolutelyReliable Towers to get to the bottom of the mystery of "Who is Whootah!?" More importantly, we promise to have reporters and photographers at the scene when the great battle between Team Woo and Whootah! takes place. We are told it will be like the apocalypse as described in the book of Revelations, except without all the fire, brimstone, Jerry Falwell getting sodomized by Satan, four horsemen, etc. There will likely be much annoying whooping and hollering.

--FMB

Friday, March 26, 2004

Tatooine Traders Offers New Gift Items

Reeling from poor sales the past several quarters, the Tatooine Traders store at Disney-MGM Studios Theme Park has announced a new series of gift items that is hoped to draw more customers to the shop.

"Although the Star Tours ride empties directly into the Tatooine Traders, we have seen sales lag more and more," noted park rep E. Chauncy VanBentheusen III recently. "The fact that the ride seems increasingly more lame with each passing year perhaps plays a small role in the lack of sales at Tatooine Traders, but an additional problem is that we got rid of all the exotic gifts like the rare comics and obscure books and vintage materials from the original trilogy and just decided to sell obnoxious Jar Jar crap."

VanBentheusen added, "We now see this mistake, and we plan to add unique and creative items to entice the big Star Wars fans to buy more useless junk here and keep the store in business."

An asisstant to VanBentheusen then unveiled the new product line, a spectacular set of mugs, T-shirts, and jock straps intricately themed to the popular "Chewbacca Ate My Balls!" website.

"We're expecting hordes of people clogging the store now," said VanBentheusen. "Who wouldn't want a T-shirt with a picture of Chewbacca saying 'Your Balls Are MINE!!'?

"That's a rhetorical question," he added, after pausing dramatically.

Tatooine Traders expects to have the shipments of the new gift items in stock within the next week. VanBentheusen further noted that, if the venture proved profitable, the shop might further expand with "Luke Ate My Balls" and "Ewoks Ate My Balls" products.

--JCK

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Vekoma Copyrights Phrase

With the recent news that Donald Trump has sought to copyright the phrase "You're fired!" by filing with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, others are stepping forward in an effort to obtain exclusive rights to things that millions of people have said.

This morning, Vekoma, a Dutch roller coaster design firm, announced that it had filed for a copyright with the same United States office, requesting exclusive rights for all merchandising based on the phrase they claim to be intimately associated with their product.

"Vekoma has lost substantial amounts of money over the past few years due to others using our phrase," said Vekoma rep Megan Blauvelt. "For that reason, we wish to protect our interests by filing to have our exclusive proprietary rights to our intellectual property recognized in the United States. Soon, only Vekoma will be able to use the famous catchphrase 'Ow! Shit! Damn it! My head! Ow! Crap! My back! Son of a bitch! Let me off this piece of shit! Ow! Ow! My kidneys! Ouch! Ow! Ow!' in marketing and business ventures."

A challenge to this copyright filing has been made by the rival coaster product manufacturer Gerstlauer. A brief submitted by the corporation states that "the catchphrase was coined by riders of wooden coasters using trains from our corporation" and that "the issue would be taken to the courts if necessary, in order to prserve our ability to profit from something that we designed."

--JCK
New Vekoma Boomerang 3D Simulator to Open At Excalibur

Excalibur, the struggling "family-oriented" hotel and casino in Las Vegas, has dipped its hand into the 3D simulator market with its new experience, "The Vekoma Boomerang."

"Sadly, not many people in American have been able to experience the Vekoma Boomerang due to its rareness in amusement parks across this country," stated Dough Hirschlinger, Excalibur's head of entertainment. "We hope to solve this obvious drought with our latest state-of-the-art attraction."

The simulator, which is estimated to cost approximately ten times the amount of buying and constructing an actual Vekoma Boomerang, plans to simulate "exactly what it is like to ride a Vekoma Boomerang," continued Hirschlinger. "This will include, of course, a projected 3D image of the ride experience itself, but also so much more."

In addition to the 3D film of the experience, riders will experience such sensations as real wind and forceful chair vibrations. Excalibur is also introducing new "Jackhammer Technology" which will make the ride even more realistic. Once the roller coaster begins its trek from its initial backward ascent, small hammers will come out from behind the audiences' seats, striking them multiple times in different parts of the head, leading to "a precise replication of what it is like to ride a Vekoma Boomerang."

Advil, which is co-sponsoring the attraction, has added that it will be opening a special stall outside the exit offering double tablets of their product at the low price of $10 a dose.

--MOS

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

EU Orders Six Flags to Offer Coasters with Trains Unbundled

Despite Six Flags's announced intention to sell all of its European parks to outside investors, the European Union issued its ruling yesterday in its antitrust investigation of the international park chain. In addition to a substantial fine, Six Flags will be required to offer European consumers two versions of all of its coasters.

The first version of the coasters will remain the same as they presently are. The second, however, will "unbundle" the trains, permitting customers to bring their own trains to be attached to the tracks or, alternatively, to simply walk around the tracks without any trains.

EU competition commissioner Mario Monti told reporters in Brussels on Wednesday that Six Flags had "for too long abused consumers by requiring that, if they wished to ride Six Flags's coasters, the customers also use Six Flags's coaster trains. This is unfair to consumers and unfair to competitors. Our ruling will help consumer choice and innovation."

Six Flags announced that, while it will also appeal the ruling, it will start construction of duplicates of all of its European coasters within thirty days. Thus far it has avoided EU scrutiny of its bundling of hot dogs with buns.

Attorneys general in the United States are reportedly considering action against the park chain for its requirement that customers ride coasters using only the software provided by the manufacturers, but they are expected to completely wuss out at the last minute and settle for four dollars and a free Bugs Bunny shirt.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Coaster Dynamics Announces “The Dragon”

Coaster Dynamix recently released a new coaster model kit that has swarms of coaster enthusiasts and toy fans drooling. One of our intrepid reporters was able to obtain a copy of the new press release from the company, presented in its entirety below:

Press Release From Coaster Dynamix

Hey roller coaster fans! We know that you don't have a lot of room in your parents’ basement. But you will want to clear off that table holding your collection of cups and glasses from parks around the country for our first offering -- The Dragon.

Just when you thought your amusement-park-paraphernalia-laden residence couldn't get any more crowded, we are offering the chance of a lifetime. Our working roller coaster model is available for only $500 (plus shipping and handling)! You will get minutes of enjoyment watching a piece of plastic ascend an amazing three feet in height and then go up and down until it does the whole thing over again. Few pieces of coaster craftsmanship will give you the satisfaction of knowing that you just spent several hundred dollars for something you will use for five minutes and never play with again (much like that blow-up doll you never cleaned after the first use and now sits in the corner attracting ants).

We know that in this economy five hundred dollars is a lot of money. Yes, your parents would like you to save that money and get your own place, and there are countless charities needing money to continue their work to feed and clothe the less fortunate (which is surprising considering the way the tax cuts boosted the economy -- lazy poor people). But, let's be honest. You have no friends, your pay at Papa John's got bumped up to seven dollars per hour, and you finished paying off the interest on that porn you bought online. It’s time to live a little!

Coaster Dynamix expects to sell hundreds, if not thousands, of those handcrafted pieces of architectural finery in the next few days. Don't delay, order yours today!

--Lovingly Uploaded By FMB
Walking Around Universale [sic] Studios Makes You Ache Like You Had Amazing Sex

It's one of the weirdest amusement park trip reports ever posted online. It's also our new Site O' the Weak. We couldn't do it justice if we attempted to describe it, so just go read it.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Coaster Enthusiast Finds Woman of His Dreams

As a rule, coaster enthusiasts have trouble locating an attractive member of the opposite sex with whom they can mate and make wild rutting sounds. However, bucking the monumental trend of enthusiasts unable to find a soul mate is Richard Serpa, 41. According to Serpa, after decades of loneliness and vigorous hourly self-stimulation to illegally-obtained onboard ride footage, he will soon be "totally set with the poontang."

"I knew I'd find my special someone eventually," said Serpa. "Sometimes it can be kind of hard to meet the chicks. I live in my parents' basement, I have a really small penis, and I have no social skills at all. I spend almost the entire day looking at coaster rumor sites, practicing my tuba, eating cheeseburgers and fistfuls of suet, and feebly ejaculating onto my coaster snow globe collection. It seemed like these were traits that would not enable me to find someone to polish my knob to a lustrous shine, but I never despaired, and now I am almost to the Promised Land."

ARN&R has learned that the object of Serpa's affections is The World's Most Pretentious Female Writer. Experts note that no person, male or female, could possibly resist the urge to give themselves a quick hand-o-gram when faced with the following prose:

Oh, tortured artist, tie me up, destroy me, then toss me under your floor-bound mattress and forget I exist! It is better to feel your footprints than your absence!

Although vegetarian, I enthusiastically pant over the scent of a cowhide jacket and/or boots. I am the Collie in heat and this boy my rawhide chewtoy.

I do not realize my question is unanswered. Instead I am sucked into his profound black hole of existence.

As a child I once attended a circus and saw a lion tamer attacked by the most beautiful lion to ever be caged. The tamer was bleeding, but not badly harmed. He looked more shocked that this creature who he had surely loved and committed so much effort to taming had lashed out in such a way. Wild things are beautiful, but that is no reason to cage them.


However, although the beautiful words surely arouse all who read them, Serpa feels a special connection to the writer because of another quote from the sumptuous text:

I realize there is a type of person who does not enjoy rollarcoasters, and maybe this ho-hum lifestyle of Tupperware, TV Guides and PTA meetings is all The Universe has prescribed for one who sits on a bench as friends above squeal with delight from the Super Dooper Looper.

"Every male coaster enthusiast knows there's a totally hot coaster chick out there just for him to churn the man butter with, even though there are like three hot coaster chicks who have ever lived," said Serpa. "When I read this text, I knew this piece of tail was smart, could spell good, was hot, and, most importantly, knew how to reference roller coasters in general and one at Hersheypark, my favorite, in specific. We're in love, and I'm all ready to play hide the salami with that awesome piece of trim."

Under thorough questioning, Serpa admitted he had not actually met the writer, nor even written to her, but that he thought "things were progressing really well" and "marriage and lots of amusement park trips and f**king" were definitely upcoming within a matter of weeks.

When asked to comment, Serpa's mother noted that she would be able to sleep better if he would "stop making those moaning, squealing, and slapping sounds when he reads his favorite website."

--JCK

Sunday, March 21, 2004

ACE Courts Young Members With New Website

The American Coaster Enthusiasts unveiled a new version of their website this morning, one designed to attract the all-important young coaster enthusiasts of tommorrow to the organization.

"This new version of the official ACE website will draw in eager young blood by creating a fun 'ACE Camp' atmosphere in which the kids can learn and play," said ACE President, High Munificent Matriarch, and Supreme Master of the Wildebeest Lash Carole Sanderson. "We've also noticed that most of our regular adult members prefer the new child-friendly website, claiming that it uses fewer big words and is very easy to understand. Some say it's pretty addictive!"

"With more exciting, intelligent, and dazzlingly colored sections of the ACE website opening up daily, including Big Bad Boys, The Aliens, and Birthday Cake, we believe we have a website that will draw in new members by the billions," added Sanderson. "And these eerily similar mantras posted on each page of the site are not at all creepy!"

Sanderson then suddenly and inexplicably adopted a glazed-over zombie expression before droning out the following in a deep, resonant robot voice:

We learned many things like take apart.
Our favorite part of ACE Camp is Take-Apart.
Take-Apart is our favorite because you get to take things apart.
Kids shoud come to ACE Camp because they would have fun.
Parents should let their kids come to ACE Camp because they would learn a lot of new things.


ARN&R will update further as more information about the new ACE website becomes available.

--JCK

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Batman Vows to Continue Fighting Pussy at Six Flags

The new Batman vs. Catwoman: Catfight show at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey is the latest venue for the caped crusader and his well-toned sidekick to continue their ongoing battle against the pair’s largest evil nemesis -- vaginas.  In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Batman revealed that Six Flags gave him a unique venue to share his views.

“Let’s face it, the straight agenda is really hurting my quality of life,” said Batman.  “We are continuing ‘Operation Fabulous’ in order to ensure gay pornography for every red-blooded man.  We are working against Vivid Video, Wicked Pictures and other video proprietors of hot threesomes, girl-on-girl action and, well...you know better than I do, ARN&R, but let's just mention strap-ons.  Six Flags has given us a great opportunity to spend time with families.”

Great Adventure General Manager Bill Muirhead said he wasn’t concerned with the superhero’s battle against the clitoris.  “Every comic book character that comes to life has someone he or she fights.  Superman had Lex Luthor, The X-Men had Magneto, but Batman kicked his enemies’ collective asses a long time ago.  In 2004 Batman and Robin are waging war against camel toe and we only wish them the best of luck.”  He added, “Don’t forget to bring a Coke can for $2 off the admission price!”

“Frankly I don’t see what the big f*cking deal is,” purred Catwoman.  “I needed money to get a cyst removed, so I agreed to let Batman fight my ‘gina.  Big freakin’ deal.”

Steve Stephenson, Arts & Entertainment editor for The Village Voice, commented, “I don’t understand this show.  As gay people we have a lot more to worry about than roast beef curtains.  Karl Rove is scarier than any vagina I’ve ever seen.”

Many were surprised that Batman and Robin didn’t come out against a more pressing issue, such as gay marriage.  The Boy Wonder said, “We have been together for over 60 years and all I can say is that Batman is way more worried about access to porn than marrying me.  I even came home with makeup all over my privates after doing the Joker at Six Flags Great America and he didn’t say a word.  He was too busy scouring the Internet for pictures of Two Face ‘calling down for more mayo.’” Robin then sighed audibly and wiped a tear away.

“Kids, be sure to ask your parents to bring you by the stunt auditorium. After the show dads can get a free massage!” grinned the horny crime fighter.

The Batman vs. Catwoman Show opens with the park on April 3.

--FMB
Emergency Airlift Reaches Vermont

Late last night, an emergency airlift was successfully carried out over Vermont. The secret mission, performed by seven Lockheed C-130 "Hercules" transports with an unknown number of F-16 fighter escorts, went off "without a hitch," according to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who thoughtfully took time off from bombing various brown people into oblivion to discuss the Vermont relief effort with ARN&R.

"The purpose of this mission was to bring fun and joy to the Federal Border Patrol in Vermont," said Rumsfeld. "Our officers up there have obviously been blinded by all the snow and driven insane by overdosing on the maple syrup, and the state has no roller coasters to relieve their crushing boredom and madness. We had to give them something fun to do immediately. We made a clandestine drop of two roller coasters, three flat rides, a carousel, and a food stand that sells those giant turkey legs. Now all we can do is pray."

Rumsfeld confirmed that the emergency airlift of amusement supplies to the Border Patrol was inspired directly by the recent experience of a coaster enthusiast named Kirk James. In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, James, 31, reports:

A couple weeks ago, my girlfriend and I were in Hanover, New Hampshire, because I had some work at Dartmouth and she wanted to visit friends there. We left our home in Connecticut, drove up to Hanover, spent a couple days there, and then drove home to Connecticut. Please note that during no part of our trip did we approach within several hours of Canada. Our entire trip took place well within the United States.

But then we were stopped at a U.S. Border Patrol checkpoint south of White River Junction, in Vermont. This was more than a little puzzling to us, since the U.S. border with Canada, unless there have been major plate tectonics occurring lately without anyone noticing, is several hours north of where the checkpoint was.

The guards asked if I was American, I said yes, then they ignored me. My girlfriend is British, and has very dark skin, and they immediately grew suspicious of her and demanded to see her passport and work papers. Of course she did not have them with her; foreigners residing in America are usually told to keep all important immigration materials locked in a safe so there is no risk of them being lost or stolen. Unless you leave the country or have business at an airport, when naturally you would bring all this documentation. I did remember to mention that we never left the U.S. or even got near the Canadian border though, right?

When she informed the guard that she did not have her passport, he grew aggressive, asking why she was here, what she was doing "coming down here," and asserting his opinion that she was in the country illegally. I pointed out to him that we were not coming down from Canada, but that we had come UP from Connecticut and to a point a few miles north of his checkpoint and had returned. Also, we politely told him that my girlfriend has been in the country legally for several years, and works as a researcher at a major medical facility at an Ivy League college.

We were detained for a period of time, then he walked into a building with her driver's license. He eventually returned, said he had managed to check up on her, and then told her "you are to carry your passport, visa, and work papers with you at all times. I'm letting you off this time, but you have to know we can find you and we can ask for your passport anytime, anywhere we feel like it." After thanking the nice man profusely to avoid being raped in the woods or executed on the spot, we were finally allowed to leave.

I'm plenty insulted that my hard-earned tax dollars are going to use for random harassment checkpoints hours south of the border. Are these guards so dumb they can't actually find the border? Have they conceded Burlington or Montpelier to potential dangerous foes, and only care about protecting Massachusetts? Do they really think terrorists are driving down I-91 in broad daylight instead lurking around on smaller roads?

The thing that ticks me off the most is the blatant racial profiling. All I had to do to be ignored was look pasty white, which I'm really good at since I'm incapable of tanning, and say "yeah" when asked if I'm American. They asked for no I.D. and had no problem at all. But as soon as they saw my girlfriend, they got up in her face and began berating and harassing her. This assumption by the U.S. Government that every brown person on the planet is The Enemy is so full of sh*t. Weren't the Oklahoma City bombings carried out entirely by white guys?


Rumsfeld said that, with the airlift of wacky amusement rides to Vermont, the Border Patrol should be engaged in fun, and have little need of randomly attempting to emulate the police-state tactics of the Soviet Union. "Well, actually, it's more likely that we'll be continuing to take away as many freedoms as possible in the next few months," said Rumsfeld thoughtfully. "But at least taking their minds off their jobs for a few hours on their new coasters will probably enable these officers to at least check a f**king map and see that they need to set up their armed checkpoint a few hours further north. You know, where the border is."

--JCK

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Screamscape Makes Up Park, Country, Coaster

In what has been described as "a shocking betrayal," "an abandonment of journalistic ethics," and "a sad statement on the state of affairs in coaster rumormongering today," it was disclosed that popular rumor site Screamscape had created a completely fictional amusement park, residing in a fictional country, and described it as receiving a nonexistent coaster.

"I was just posting another story about some park in Sweden or something that nobody but the idiots wealthy enough to be on the European Coaster Odyssey would ever go to anyway, when I decided, what the hell?" explained Screamscape creator Lance Hart in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "So I put in something about a new massive Intamin launched inverted hypercoaster going into a park called HartLand in a country I called Lanceonia."

Enthusiasts, once it was pointed out to them repeatedly that there is no park named HartLand, no country named Lanceonia, and no Intamin launched inverted hypercoasters, were furious. "I rely on Screamscape for nothing but totally reliable rumors!" said Joe Rittenhouse of Philadelphia. "To have the CoasterBuzz thread I started about the new coaster and my plans to go there next summer turn into nothing but me-bashing is just unfair." Rittenhouse is reportedly considering legal action against Hart.

In related news, an ACE executive committee member called Screamscape "tacky and inaccurate" and was seeking a refund from his travel agent, just prior to insulting all of ACE's members publicly.
Spelling Checked

We are pleased to note the awesome power we wield here at ARN&R. It has come to our attention that the webmasters of SantaBarbara.com have noticed their designation as Site O' the Weak, a designation earned by being a visitor's bureau site with sloppy spelling and grammar. We are quite pleased that the site no longer features any mention of exciting "rollarcoasters," though just to prove we weren't seeing things, may we direct you to the cached version. We applaud Santabarbara.com for improving its product, and invite other websites to do the same. Expecially SixFlags.com.

Monday, March 15, 2004

Check Your Spelling

Compared to some of the ludicrously awful Sites O' the Weak we've featured, SantaBarbara.com isn't really all that bad in general. However, we would be remiss in our duties if we didn't point out that people designing professional websites for use by a visitor's bureau of a major town should probably be able to spell "roller coasters" correctly. Or, if they are unable to do so, they should at least ask around or check a dictionary.

The use of apostrophes, where necessary, is also recommended, whether the topic is Knott's Berry Farm or a park's claim.

If you choose not to follow these simple rules, you could end up as the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Point-Counterpoint: Ride a Wood Coaster or Eat a Steak?

The current issue of Rollercoaster! magazine has an author biography with the following statement: "Branson presented a tough challenge with time management -- more rides on Ozark Wildcat or another steak at the original Outback Steakhouse?"

We at ARN&R felt this was, indeed, a deep quandary that would undoubtedly face any coaster fan who spent gobs of money and travelled hours out of the way to visit Celebration City, the park where Ozark Wildcat resides. We asked two coaster experts to provide arguments on whether, were they to visit Branson, they would spend their time stuffing their faces with cow parts from awful chain restaurants or actually riding wood coasters they might not have a chance to ride again for a number of years or even decades.

Expert #1: Peter Hoggenbottoms, 38

Oh God. Oh God. I don't even know how to decide a matter of this magnitude. On the one hand, we have an exceptional wood coaster at a neat little park. Its twisting course, unique spiralling drop, and surprising pops of airtime make it very exciting, while its smoothness makes it easy enough on the knees, back, and balls to marathon on for literally hours at a time. Then again, one could wander off into the cultural Mecca that is Branson and go to the Outback Steakhouse. Who could possibly turn down a burnt hunk of low-grade beef from a cookie-cutter restaurant in a tacky tourist trap of a town? You know, I like coasters. But I like cow even more. I think I'd ride the Wildcat three or four times, get a hot dog in the park, and then plunk my ass down at the world's very first Outback for a meal, ambiance, and service exactly like the crummy meal, ambiance, and service I'd receive at any of 6 gatrillion Outbacks wasting space all over the country. It's the logical choice.

Expert #2: Dale Cartwright, 40

You crack whore. What the f*** are you talking about? If I'm blowing my vacation and a wad of cash to go to Branson, do you think I'm going to waste three seconds of my time at a stupid f***ing Outback unless there's nowhere else to eat? I go to the park, ride that Wildcat a billion times, and then I get the f***out of Branson before Yakov Smirnov and Barbara Mandrell catch me and sacrifice me to their master Satan onstage somewhere. Give me a f***ing break here.

--JCK

Friday, March 12, 2004

Gyro Swing Whets Appetites

Amusement park enthusiasts are salivating over the possibility of riding the new Intamin Gyro Swing, set to open in late 2004 at Australia's Dreamworld Park.

Said ACE member Tobey Bilger, 25, "I can't wait to get to Australia. Ever since I saw pics of the first Gyro Swing at Drayton Manor, I've been just drooling nonstop!"

"Mmmmmmmm...." said flat ride lover Robin D. Cox, 50. "Swing look yummy. Yummy!" A trickle of saliva then worked its way out of the side of his mouth and dribbled down into his collar.

"We are pleased to announce the addition of a new Intamin Gyro Swing to Dreamworld," said park rep Lonnie Borneman. "This ride combines the terrifying thrill of a giant spinning flat ride with amazingly succulent flavor. As the entire ride, except for the restraints and gears, is made of thinly shaved char-grilled lamb and tzatziki sauce, passengers can experience a wondrous taste sensation in their mouths even as they are tensing their sphincters in fright!"

According to Borneman, queasy passengers will have little to fear from the ride, as "test riders claim the ride's tasty meat structure tastes almost as good the second time."

"This is the best!" yelled park enthusiast Anthony Nolde, 30, as he slavered uncontrollably in anticipation. "Every enthusiast knows there are only two important things in life: hard core thrill rides and tasty, greasy food. But every park I've ever been to, you have to ride something and then go eat something, then ride, then eat, then ride, then eat. All that walking from the gravy fries or chili cheese dogs to the coasters always wears me out, and I've never thought it was fair of the parks to torture me that way. But Dreamworld has solved all my problems with the new Gyro Swing, where I can happily gorge myself on young sheep flesh while spinning violently in circles. Book me a ticket right now!"

--JCK

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Six Flags Enters Seafood Distribution Market

In a surprising move, Six Flags today announced that the corporation would be entering the business of wholesale seafood distribution, effective immediately. Many amusement industry insiders believe this to be an unusual maneuver, since the financially destitute chain has begun unloading assets this offseason, including most of its European parks, Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, and its collection of coaster event shirts with yellow armpit stains, currently up for auction on Ebay. However, representatives of Six Flags were quick to put a positive spin on the new endeavor.

"The reduction of our amusement park assets frees up our cash flow for use in other ventures," noted spokesman Sherwood B. Willing IV. "One of the areas where we've seen exponential growth is in the field of seafood sales. With aggressive investment of funds and personnel into this area, we can achieve great long-term profits that will help keep our remaining parks solvent and full of fun."

Willing claims that the new seafood distribution venture has "absolutely nothing at all" to do with the fact that Cedar Fair has no desire to purchase the Wildlife section (formerly Sea World Ohio) of Six Flags Worlds of Adventure when the rest of the park is sold by Six Flags to the rival chain, leaving huge numbers of rare sea animals without a home. "That's just silly," added Willing. "The seafood venture has no correlation to the amusement park deal."

ARN&R has learned that the products to be offered later this year by Six Flags Assorted Sea Flesh Consortium include shark steaks, sea lion cutlets, dolphin burgers, penguin smoothies, and Whale Blubber on a Stick.

--JCK
Six Flags Sells Ceramic Troll Collection, Printer Cartridges

In an ongoing effort to focus on core competencies and raise revenue, Six Flags Inc. announced today that it had sold its extensive ceramic troll collection to an elderly woman in Nebraska, as well as a closet full of unused printer cartridges that fit a dot-matrix printer not sold since 1986.

"The ceramic troll collection market is a highly competitive market, and we admit to having made a few bad decisions -- like spending $350 on that [Chicago Bears lineman] William 'Refrigerator' Perry ceramic troll, that was definitely a mistake!" said Six Flags' Gary Story. "We continue to believe in the ceramic troll market, but [purchaser] Ms. Ricketts will be able to better exploit the collection in the short term."

As for the printer cartridges, Story said that he came across them when it was his turn to clean the park chain's Oklahoma City offices. "It turns out it really was a good idea to let the janitor go and all chip in cleaning. Not only did we save paying his salary, but we got $15 for those printer cartridges on eBay!"

Stock analysts predict that Six Flags may next consider selling its extensive Pez collection and the '66 Mustang on blocks in front of Frontier City that it's been meaning to fix up since purchasing it in 1997.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

British ARN&R Correspondent Confused by British Reader's Inability to Find Humor in ARN&R

Recently, occasional ARN&R assistant writer VMA was most confused by the fact that British readers of ARN&R allegedly find the website completely unfunny. "Some bloody wanker claims he doesn't find ARN&R amusing because of his presumably more subtle and superior British sense of humor. Somehow I doubt the fact that he's British makes a jot of difference, since I am from London and have helped write two articles for ARN&R. One of them made use of various British slang terms and implied that Americans are morons, which my collaborator and I felt surely would appeal to Brits. I suppose the very special sod just doesn't like us, for reasons unrelated to his nationality. Or perhaps he's just Northern. They do tend to be a bit slow."

VMA has promised to proofread all future ARN&R articles, with the intention of pointing out places where words like "bollocks," "bugger," and "poofter" can be inserted to improve the website's popularity with the all-important "pommy bastard" demographic.

VMA also kindly pointed out that the word "wanker" was already being used quite extensively at ARN&R.

--JCK

Monday, March 08, 2004

Code & Coaster Nerds Vie For Holy Grail of Tools

Men who will never have anyone care for them saw an interesting note on CoasterBuzz today. Werner Stengel, the legendary roller coaster designer, is holding a contest to have a new website designed for his company. While the current website is pretty awful, it was at least designed by someone who knows the amusement industry.

We can only imagine what sort of travesty dozens of enthusiasts who live with their parents will think of. The ARN&R staff, in a fit of investigative journalism, called some of the people submitting website concepts to Stengel. Here is what they found:

Scott Fappny, 45, "Code Slinger"

"I plan to utilize a new form of code that has the best aspects of Javascript combined with the functionality of traditional --[Click]" (It is believed that the ARN&R reporter hung up at this point.)

Tim Johnson, 34, Jizz Mopper at The Vibraphone

"My goal for the website of Werner Stengel, or, as I call him, my new best friend, is to make a site that reflects his kick ass rides. I mean this dude has done it all. Did I say dude, I meant God! I was thinking of switching from AOL to Tripod, but I haven't got much further than that. I will win that first class ticket to Nazi land."

Random Guy in The Florida Coaster Club Phone Book, Forty-something, Prison Bitch

"Tera, Tera, Tera!"

Jeff Smithtis, 26, 4th Year Senior at Ball State

"Slow down man, I have a wicked buzz...That's better. The Steng-dog is the shiznit. Yo, I mean for shizzle my nizzle. I am so street. I was thinkin' of introducing him to some Tupac when we hang together for the day. My favorite Stengel coaster? Have to be Son of Beast, because when you make it an acronym it is S.O.B. That's awesome."

Brittany Lynn Swanson could not be reached for comment.

--FMB
"Pitty" The Fool

Our Site O' the Weak is quite simple and to the point this time around. Enjoy "Mr T'stir rollar coaster in funland," a web page so catastrophically stupid that we cannot find words to adequately describe how awful it is that this fetid mound of marmot scat is actually being allowed to consume bandwidth.
Tig Ole Bitties Coming to Six Flags Great America's New Mardi Gras Section

General Manager Tim Black has a lot on his mind these days. With five new rides and an inventive new Mardi Gras area of the park he is a happy man. "I think it will be the best addition to the park since it opened," he commented in an exclusive ARN&R interview.

What makes Black so happy? Tits -- and lots of 'em. "We all know that Mardi Gras brings out the best, or should I say breast, in women. They take their tops off and jiggle those fun bags for some worthless beads. That is a beautiful thing."

Gary Story, former president of Six Flags, agrees, "The ladies of Chicago and Milwaukee have some ripe melons and we are more than happy to give them an opportunity to show those perky pokers off."

Among the new flat rides this year are a Zamperla Rockin' Tug, a Zamperla Balloon Race, and a Huss Top Spin. "The Rockin' Tug and Balloon Race each can hold 48 breasts, while the Top Spin can push through around 1600 pendulous sacks per-hour. Personally, I can't wait to see four pairs of twenty-something tattums spinning on that Crazy Mouse," commented head of Maintenance Tom Williams. When asked why he was looking forward to all these breasts, when many amusement park guests are unkempt white trash, Williams got strangely quiet.

General Manager Black's largest fear is male coaster enthusiasts. With a worried face he said, "We do understand that some of these gentlemen do have rather huge man boobs, but no one at the park cares to see them." Despite this fact, the Coaster Zombies still have their "You Can't Get Milk Out of These" Coaster Tour scheduled to hit Gurnee on August 24. "I am warning these pasty white Zombies right now, keep those shirts on and those cottage cheese tats inside. If we have to escort you out it will be with a trash bag over your gut," Black grumbled.

Six Flags Great America opens May 1 and adult tickets are $41.99, but half-off for topless women.

--FMB

Friday, March 05, 2004

RCT3 to Feature New Six Flags Simulation

ARN&R has received an alpha copy of the new three-dimensional Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 and can exclusively reveal some of the features of the updated game.

Most notable is the expanded branding with Six Flags. In addition to coming with rides from actual Six Flags parks, several scenarios will give players the experience of managing a park in the chain. For example, the Six Flags New England scenario will allow for exactly one great ride but no more and players will randomly experience millions of gallons of raw sewage being rained upon the park. Bonus points will be given for each park employee that vomits on a guest. Similarly, the Six Flags Astroworld scenario will permit the installation of rides only after they have been installed and run into the ground in other Six Flags scenarios. Finally, the Six Flags Magic Mountain scenario will provide for enormous and ride-filled parks but permit the hiring of exactly eighteen people to operate the entire park, ten of whom are drunk.

Though not yet in the alpha version, game developer Chris Sawyer is reportedly considering identifying a miniscule proportion of parks' virtual guests as enthusiasts. These guests will demand constant attention from the player, insisting that the parks add millions of dollars of new rides, while spending virtually no money in the park, instead relying on season passes and the storage of coolers filled with cold fried chicken in their cars. Sawyer's only hesitation is showing the enthusiasts in the improved and three-dimensional graphics, fearing that doing so could endanger the game's family-friendly ratings.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Woo Plague Spreads

Coaster tool experts were certain that ARN&R's public besmirching of Team Woo's crappy and frightening website would lead to the group slinking off into a corner in shame, never to wear dorkass uniforms and scream like brain-dead stuck pigs at American amusement parks again. However, these experts were soon proved wrong with the discovery that the irritating "Power of Woo" is alive and well throughout the nation.

"The reports of horrid Wooness are legion," states Mark Gilchrist, a leading writer on the subject of embarrassing coaster toolness. "Dozens of disturbing examples of Woo oozing through the quagmire of society have been unearthed." Gilchrist then presented a gargantuan list of insidious Woo references from the Web. Culled from the list are several are the more prominent Woo references, featured here:

-In an an online argument over the frivolous lawsuit filed by Chinese Drag Queen Restaurant Lucky Cheng's against Zagat for claiming the restaurant blows, one poster offers the illuminating, if deeply puzzling, comment that "[t]his would be were I yell WOO and chug a stupid shot while getting teabagged by a transvestive [sic], but I'm not Aron."

-In a fabulously idiotic and hilarious dissertation on cheerleading audition procedures, which national humor experts label as "absolutely the funniest f**king crap I've ever read in my entire life, please read the entire awful webpage, you'll thank us, wheeze, wheeze, gasp, wheeze," the (presumably) teenybopper webhost gives these expert instructions:

Don't scream, but yell from your diaphragm. Do not be sing songy. Make sure the judges can hear and understand each word you say. When you run on yell "Let's go", "Go Wildcats", "We're number 1", "Go PHS", etc. Just don't yell "Woo", the judges hate this.

-A homeless man received new teeth for yelling "Woo!" a bunch for the Chicago Cubs, though the fact that a black, unemployed man received free new teeth did seem to inexplicably piss the living hell out of all the drunk, rich, racist white men in the stands at the time. However, the white men eventually managed to calm themselves down by whining about how Steve Bartman and some random farm animals destroyed their dreams, while failing to admit the fact that their loser team is simply full of chokers who would have gacked it before the end anyway.

-Drunken morons apparently drop their pants and yell "Woo!" frequently for comedian Dave Attell on Insomniac.

-A disturbing website run by one fairly hostile "Skankin' Jill" has a very top title of "About me, everybody jump up and down and yell "WOO!" The evidence of loads of mopey poetry and another page with the top title of "mary had a little lamb, and it's [sic] fleece was white as cocaine" leads experts to believe that Skankin' Jill desperately wishes to break free of the oppressive cloak of Woo that envelops her.

-Kevin Foster and others compete for Team Woo in what appears to be a softball league. ARN&R has not received word on whether either Team Woo will attempt to sue the other for stealing their name.

-And, finally, even that guy who has the website with the weird monkey things-- who sing "We Like the Moon" and have recently migrated into Quizno's commercials-- confesses that "I make stupid stuff, and I jump around shouting "WOO!" mainly."

ARN&R plans to keep its readers abreast of further disturbing developments in the spread of the nefarious Woo plague.

--JCK

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Woo! Woo! Woo! Site O' the Weak! Woo! Woo!

Team Woo. An irritating sound (don't turn your speakers up too loud on the opening page), a concept, a business venture, and, primarily, a collection of monster coaster tools who pretty much just go around parks wearing geeky T-shirts and yelling "Woo!" in an obnoxious fashion.

According to the webmasters, Team Woo:

is a group of roller coaster riding enthusiasts and the Woo (as you probably heard when you entered this website) is the noise that we make. Sure, we make other noises too, but the Woo is the primary tool that we use to excite a crowd waiting in line. Team Woo travels to various theme parks and Woos at the people in line, and they tend to Woo back at us. You give a woo, you get a woo...it's a give and take relationship.

Thank you, Team Woo, for doing your best to make theme parks and the general public think coaster enthusiasts are complete and utter wankers.

Bear witness to the awesome leaders of Team Woo. Learn the exciting history of Team Woo. Witness a massive collection of truly horrifying pictures of Team Woo in action at various amusement parks. However, we strongly advise not viewing the disturbing picture of the boys in the restroom, probably giving their own little Woos a pounding. That sort of thing will make your palms hairy and your eyesight fail, kids.

And don't forget to fork over twenty bucks and purchase a Woo T-shirt, so that you, too, can look like a complete and utter tool in your local amusement park! Pick from slogans like the following:

I Came, I Saw, I Wooed
Wooin' From Womb to Tomb
Eat Sleep Woo
Got Woo?

Woo it up with Team Woo, this week's ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Enthusiasts Gear Up for Solace 2K4!

Across the country, coaster enthusiasts are preparing for one of the first coaster events of the year, Knott’s Solace gathering. Jeremy Geisteskrank of Hobart, Indiana, is having trouble packing. “I can’t decide on whether to bring my Beast T-Shirt, my Beast knit polo, or my Beast chambray shirt,” the confused 34 year old said. “It’s a real wardrobe dilemma.”

Others are excited to meet up with friends. Michelle Traurig, 22, is flying into Los Angeles on Thursday to have a special dinner with some online pals she’ll be meeting for the first time. “Maybe WoodieFreak and I will have the same chemistry in person that we do on RRC,” she said hopefully in an interview via AOL Instant Messenger.

While love connections have been made in previous years, event organizers have been careful to warn people not to engage in behavior that could lead to sexual harassment -- and many enthusiasts won’t be wearing promiscuous clothing or anything that would make them sexually attractive to other enthusiasts. “You never know if these guys are drooling from the ERT or from your baby doll “Airtime Whore” shirt,” said one female enthusiast. “It’s easier not to risk it.”

We at ARN&R wish all enthusiasts a great Solace weekend -- and watch out, you never know when the person next to you in the buffet line is a member of our crack investigative team -- so behave yourselves!

--MMS

Monday, March 01, 2004

Hungover Theme Park Executive Realizes He Greenlit Monster-Themed Dark Ride

"Oh god, I feel like death."

That's how Paramount Parks Vice President for Ride Development Joe Odenkirk started the day in his West Hollywood hotel room after attending what he described as "one hell of a [post-Oscars] party" hosted by Vanity Fair. And his day didn't get any better as the calls started rolling in on his cell phone.

First up was Bob Berney, head of indie film studio Newmarket Films, enthusiastically talking about how he and Odenkirk needed to "do lunch" to go over the "concept drawings" that Berney said they'd drawn up the night before. Odenkirk muttered vaguely, "Uh...yeah, we should do that."

Then actress Charlize Theron's agent called saying he was looking forward to the $2 million payment Odenkirk had signed a contract for in order to allow for the usage of Theron's image. Odenkirk, still confused, again murmured some form of assent as he reached for his Aleve.

And then, as he started his third cup of coffee with a still-pounding headache, Odenkirk realized it: He had approved a $20-million dark ride based on the Newmarket Films production Monster, featuring Theron as a Florida prostitute/serial killer. Worse, he had promised -- in writing -- that it would replace the Scooby Doo-themed dark rides at every Paramount amusement park.

Though details were unclear in his mind, Odenkirk did remember that the planned ride would include explicit violence and sexual content, along with Sally Corp.'s patented technology permitting riders to join Theron's character in shooting trucker johns, at least half of whom were expected to appear fully nude.

"Holy shit, what was I thinking?" Odenkirk said to himself as he swallowed a handful of Ex-Lax. "It must have been after that third cranberry Cosmopolitan, or maybe it was when we were into the mojitas."

At press time, Odenkirk was trying to decide between claiming that he had been hypnotized when he agreed to the ride and bullheadedly insisting that it was actually a good idea. It was believed to be Odenkirk's worst drunken ride approval since his signing of a contract for retheming Paramount King's Island's train ride based on Schindler's List.