Friday, April 01, 2005

Ultimate Rollercoaster Fires English Professor

As full-time Associate Professor of English at Ultimate Rollercoaster, Dr. James Wilton had a good job, benefits, and lots of time off in the summer. That all changed when he was unceremoniously fired for gross incompetence this week, just two years from achieving tenure. Now the formerly beloved teacher will be forced to seek work elsewhere, always carrying this blemish on his record.

"I did what I could," said a distraught Wilton, as he somehow packed all of his office belongings into one cardboard box. "I assumed that, with my dedicated help, many of these youngsters would eventually be able to spell and use English grammar in a way that made their posts somewhat comprehensible. I even thought I might get some of our problem cases to be able to write at a first or even second grade level within a year or two. But I failed. I failed miserably."

According to an administration official who asked not to be identified, there had been "ample evidence" of Wilton's failures as an English professor on display in thousands of illegible URC posts visible to the general public over the past year. However, the move to fire the teacher was only made when the particularly galling "Gwazi at Busch Gardens Tampa Florida" thread was recently discovered by URC officials.

Among the atrocities against the English language cited by URC administrators were the following actual quotes from the thread:

That ride is really cool best wooden rollercoaster I have ever rided on!!! Who has rided it and agrees with me?

Is it a Jeckel and Heide Coaster? park KNOWS how to operate there ride & maitenance it...

the ride your talking about is no fun it is really dumb I like Gwazi

"I've never said this in two decades of teaching English," said Wilton. "But it just might be that there is no hope for some of these posters. The children may be our future, you may teach them well, but maybe you don't want them leading the way."

"If that Ultimate Rollercoaster thread is what got me fired, the least you can do is make it the Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors Site O' the Weak," added Wilton, just before leaving his office forever.

--JCK (From an Idea by WDL)