Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Paramount's King's Dominion to Pay Close Attention to Thrill Nerds

The need among amusement park enthusiasts to send silly petitions is definitely a disease that's catching lately. Aside from the anti-ARN&R petition started by WildOne, which is having a really tremendous effect on shutting down ARN&R and reducing its massive revenue stream, another group has decided to make its mark and bring about change for humanity through its petition: the Thrill Nerds. Yes, you read that right. The Thrill Nerds. At least they don't pretend to be anything they aren't.

Got a beef with Paramount's King's Dominion? Pay close attention to the Thrill Nerds:

All you have to do to participate is get as many people as you can to write all the things that they cant stand or dislike about the park, and what they think they should do to improve and maybe gain that persons attendance to the park...these will all be organized into a LONG list of things and there write ups that you wrote, and will be sent to Kings Dominion. With Kings Dominions replies we will be organizing them yet again into a petition and have as many people as we can get to sign it to say they should do something.

The directions on the site go on to elaborate on the rules for sending complaints to PKD:

All write ups must have at least 5 things that a person has noticed that needs improvement with the parks and all 5 must have there way to fix the problem. The more problems the better

Indeed, the more problems the better. We've always found that sending a huge list of bitches and moans to a major corporate entity gets a prompt and courteous response. Volume is the key to gaining respect.

Of course, you may also "feel free to write along with your bad things some positive impute for the park to here. they will like that."

At ARN&R, we always enjoy our "positive impute," and tend to be very concerned with readers who send hate mail listing thousands of ways they would like to see us die, just so long as they tell us something nice, too, like we use the phrase "coaster tools" the right amount or that we're exceedinly physically attractive. We're sure PKD will be easily seduced into fixing every stupid complaint the Thrill Nerds have because they get warm fuzzies after someone throws in the comment that "I hate dozens of things about your park, but your Vulcans are sexier than ever this season."

Don't forget, be sure to list every single thing you can possibly think of that you don't like about PKD, go to our Site O' the Weak, and tell the Thrill Nerds what you think. King's Dominion will undoubtedly be quivering in its boots and filling its underwear within mere days.

Six Flags New England Challenges Agawam Postal Workers To Softball Game

In a recent gesture of workplace bonding and camaraderie, the Six Flags New England staff challenged the Agawam postal workers to a nine inning softball game. The game, which began on Sunday morning, lasted 17 hours and concluded in a draw upon both sides realizing they had not appointed anyone to keep score. Each team cited numerous reasons for the inability of the game to reach a swift conclusion.

"Well, first of all the Agawam Postal Workers were five hours late," reported Six Flags Ride Operations Manager Ted Gainey, "and that was fine, as all of us at Six Flags understand being a little late. Then, after the game got started, there were a few delays."

Some of the delays included:

* The Six Flags ride operators took approximately ten to fifteen minutes to walk from batters area to home plate, often checking their bats while batting upwards of five times for no apparent reason while everyone waited for them to play.

* The switch from offense to defense would take up to one hour as each side demanded much-needed "ciggie breaks."

* Six Flags, in a cost saving gesture, insisted on using a single baseball for the entire game, forcing long delays after every home run and foul ball.

* Six Flags spent significant periods of time arguing that the field would be cost much less to maintain if the distances between the bases were reduced to approximately eight feet and baserunners were required to slow down dramatically any time they approached a sprint.

* The Agawam Postal Workers were often delayed on defense due to the players consistently losing their own gloves and various other equipment, causing them to either go to the store to buy new ones or stop play until they found them, often finding them in unlikely and absurd places.

Both team captains denied the charge that the reason for the length of the game was due to both teams' players being "lazy, incompetent bastards."