Thursday, January 30, 2003

Xcalibur First in Wave of Xtreme Rides

As reported weeks ago on ARN&R, the U.S. Senate passed a secret resolution, approved by President Bush in a midnight ceremony, banning the existence of any new rides that are not Xtreme in nature. Although this news was heavily disputed by “reputable” publications like Amusement Today, Coasterbuzz and ThemeParkCritic chatrooms, ARN&R maintained its trust in its confidential sources. This trust was rewarded with the first physical evidence today that reluctant parks have given in to what Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) referred to as “some totally kick-ass Xtreme law.”

This afternoon, Six Flags St. Louis announced its new-for-2003 attraction, called the Xcalibur. Speculated to be a clone of the much-unridden Evolution at Six Flags Great Adventure, the new attraction, according to Screamscape, will “throw guests 113 feet into the air, spinning around and around. It can hold 64 riders at a time and will spin around 16 times a minute.”

Said Tim Thomas, a park media representative, “while many parks are scrambling to concoct new X names based on this law, we were fortunate in that we were creating a flat ride with a King Arthur theme. It was no big stretch to call it Xcalibur. After all, what could possibly be more Xtreme than Knights of the Round Table, except perhaps sequining vests between quests or impersonating Clark Gable?”

Thomas noted that there were theming difficulties yet to be surmounted, however. “We’re struggling with how to combine the Xtreme thing with Lancelot and Gawain and all that. We’ll probably just slap together a preshow where the knights are jousting, except they use street luges instead of horses, and then we’ll hope everyone gets so violently ill from riding this thing that they don’t notice how stupid this all is.”

--JCK

Dateline Exposé Broadens ARN&R Drinking Scandal

Already reeling from charges of alcoholism among its staff, ARN&R was rocked tonight by a no-holds-barred Dateline piece that jumped the ever-widening scandal to national front-page news.

The initial claims of sodden debauchery were made by respected national coaster expert and grammar wizard Xcrement, who stated “[t]hat site is so stupid, and probably run by a couple of drunks.” The rumor was dismissed outright the same night by the website’s Editor-in-Chief, who stated that “no member of my staff has ever been even remotely intoxicated,” immediately prior to belching loudly into the microphone.

The matter seemed to have been put to rest…until ARN&R was blindsided by Dateline, which sneaked cameras into a lurid party at Hugh Hefner’s AbsolutelyReliable Mansion this weekend. The news program gathered reel after reel of shocking material, of which several heavily edited excerpts were shown to the horrified American public.

Among the most Bacchanalian of ARN&R staff misadventures catalogued by Dateline were contributing writers WDL, RAS, and JCK beer-bonging Everclear with Hefner and frolicking in a Gin and Tonic pond with stark naked Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Kristen Kreuk, while the Editor-in-Chief was seen simultaneously shotgunning three cases of Guinness while using a piping hot coat hanger to brand “ARN&R RULZ” on the buttocks of comely young blondes.

Although the ARN&R staff has refused to grant interviews following the startling footage, their lawyer Johnny Cochran has claimed in a written statement that “the case would be tried in a court, not on coaster message boards.”

--JCK