Fake French Protest PKI Opening
The changeable spring weather was notably calm for the start of the 2006 season at Ohio's largest (themed) amusement park - but the rhetoric was volatile. Over ten fake French natives turned out to protest last season's closure of "Le Patisserie Français."
Chants of "Starbuck doit disparaître!" and "Le goût de café comme la pisse de rat!" echoed from the fake Eiffel Tower as the protest's leader, Etienne Âne d'Grenouille, rasied a megaphone to address the sparse and puzzled crowd.
"Mesdames et messieurs, eet ees verr' sad day today for fake France!", exclaimed Âne d'Grenouille. "My fazzer, 'e 'elp beeld le fake Eiffel Tower. 'E raaaise us, 'ees cheeldren, to be tres bon fake French - and now, what ess 'appen? Zey close ze last 'ome of nateeve fake French culture, right een ze shadow of zis towairrr!"
M. Âne d'Grenouille then bemoaned the loss of traditional fake French foods, such as doughnuts labelled 'eclairs' and "le elephant ear". In a later interview, he reviewed the history of gradual deportation of fake Mexicans and fake Germans from International Street, and eventually the park, without protest from the patrons. He believes it is part of a pattern of homogenization driven by powerful multinational corporations at the expense of native culture. "Eff we do not now put down ourr feet wiz a shout of Non!, soon zis corporate octopus crush us all een hees - 'ow you say - testicles," he said.
Hikaru "Bull" Smythe, Paramount's King's Island's PR Chief disagrees. "Cheese-eatin' froggy talk like that'll get y'all a visit from homeland security, know what I mean?" he grumbled, petting his revolver. "They just got no idea of progress. When King's Island was opened in 1972, International Street had all kinds of European stuff - food, clothes, toys, whatever. Now in 2006, there's a bunch of Chinese stuff with American brands and a Starbucks - now, if that ain't just like Europe, I don't know what is!"