Wednesday, April 02, 2003

ARN&R Fails To Win Coasterbuzz Site of Year Award

Coasterbuzz recently posted its list of 2003 awards, and ARN&R is deeply disturbed and concerned that our site did not win. Actually, we barely managed to finish out of last place, despite the fact that we helpfully provided instructions on how to vote multiple times by emptying your cache and cookies. We are therefore unable to follow up on our promise that, if we were victorious, we would never insult or mock any idiots (like Xfan) who post at Coasterbuzz, nor will we be switching our format to consist entirely of fawning portraits of Vekoma, Premier, Six Flags, and the most succulent amusement park foods on sticks. We regret that we must continue savagely mocking enthusiasts and parks for the foreseeable future. You have only yourselves to blame.
Six Flags America Revises CoasterCon Add-On Day Plans

Reacting to widespread enthusiast outrage over its flyer announcing an add-on day following the 2003 ACE Coaster Convention, Six Flags America hastened to release a new schedule today.

"We were shocked at the negative publicity created by our proposed day at Six Flags," stated SFA manager Bud Billingsworth. "We felt sure that hundreds of devoted coaster fans would pay $35, plus $9 parking, for the rare privilege of a Saturday in our filthy, crowded, gangland park, with a monster full hour of morning ERT thrown in for good measure. Also there was the alluring promise of fried chicken, ziti, hot dogs, and metric assloads of thick gravy to tempt those ACErs. I guess we miscalculated."

Following what Billingsworth called "an unending stream of abusive emails, chat group postings, and threatening phone calls," the manager retracted the earlier itinerary. The new version of the event was posted to the ACE website tonight.

"We do listen to our customers," insisted Billingsworth. "We are now planning to offer this exciting add-on day for only $34.99, with parking for a mere $8.99. Also, the pitiful one hour of morning coaster ERT has been removed in favor of an exciting one hour of Security Frisking ERT! Each ACE member will receive an hour of personal searching from a burly security guard. The excitement will be in not knowing if the guard will merely pat the ACE member down, run a metal detector over him, engage in a full body cavity search, or tackle him and club him senseless for suspicion of having metal objects like, say, keys, which could be used as weapons. We're also planning to give 7 hours of night ERT on the one-of-a-kind thrill attraction Mind Eraser. And to the lunch menu we will add that suet buffet that ACE members have been craving. Hopefully ACE members will be pleased with our efforts on their behalf, and we'll expect to see each and every one of them at our gorgeous park!"

--JCK