Executives throughout the amusement park industry have reportedly been shaken to the core as they learn the plans for the State Showcase Funpark [sic] to be based on 700 to 1700 mostly-roofed acres in Ohio.
While ARN&R plans extensive team coverage of SSF in the coming weeks, we'd like to start out with some brief quotes from those in the industry and others:
- PKI's Executive Vice President In Charge Of Competition Evaluation Edward McLaughlin: "Well, the enigmatic JL57 says he will bury us here at PKI, and he took off his shoe and banged in on a table, so I'm compelled to conclude that he is the reincarnated Nikita Kruschev. I'm not going to screw with him; we're shutting down the park immediately."
- Six Flags Associate Vice President of Research Will Kiplinger: "He appears to have approximately $200 to invest in the park, which makes it so he has $9,134,130,020.00 more than we have on hand. And did you see that website? We're dead."
- Cleveland Go-Kartz Owner Bud Holly: "We thought we had a good little operation here until we learned of his devious plans for the operation of the go-karts: 'The guest(s) will leave the station determined by the light signalling located in front of the cars either green to go or red to remain in the stop position.' Shit, why didn't we think of that? I must have lost thirty operators to drivers smashing into their legs, and I've got kids out there who have been riding for days."
- ACE Chief Executive Diner, Line Cook, and Fryer Carole Sanderson: "Buffets are good."
- Local Parent Martha Doyle: "A chance to drop my kids off somewhere that's constantly playing Village People music? Sign me up!"
More on this critical story to come. For now, it's the Site O' the Weak.