Friday, June 28, 2013

Boomerangs Still Belong in the Outback

Recent news of trouble with Six Flags Saint Louis's latest "new" "ride" installation have led the entire industry to collectively stand up, face Missouri, and shout "DUH!!!"

When Vekoma, and the fear should start there, envisioned a small footprint coaster, the industry was excited.  It was smaller to allow for more nacho stands, gift shops, and depressing won't you let me put you on a giant scale in the hope of winning a stuffed moose while a carny yells in a microphone that we hope doesn't work complexes.  It would be much more cost effective by requiring only a $5 increase in the gate price as opposed to the usual $10 plus a parking increase and making that signature snack food cost double for no apparent reason.  The industry also enjoyed that for the first time they wouldn't need to hire a crew of 15 to operate it plus a gift shop stuffed full of merchandise that no one would buy.  Including of course the aforementioned moose in a logo t-shirt and an on-ride photo that the carny just happened to also be in.

With such great creative names as "boomerang" and the ride being installed in every Six Flags, Cedar Fair, and cheap mom and pop park North of the Equator, it was only a matter of time before the faithful developed their own names.  Among them "bitch slap, worthless POS, giant waste of money, and of course head spin."  The later of which was used by Cedar Fair during the great Geauga Lake debacle of 2004.  For more information see Kinzel v. Geauga Lake Fans, Staff, and everyone who didn't get rich off of Paramount Parks circa 2007.

Sufficient to say, with a reputation like this, the industry is well placed to look at their colleagues in the MidWest and go "what did you expect?!"  Seriously though, if you are forced to choose between a sharp stick to the eye or riding a Vekoma boomerang, think really hard.  They'll both just about kill you and suck worse then a Vekoma SLC.  The history of which is soon forthcoming as we've just discovered a new document written by one of the men who dreamed up that creature, before being forced to ride a boomerang till he died.

Which only took one time.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Gatekeeper Mystery Solved At Last

Fan boys have long wondered the great mysteries of Cedar Point.  Does 12E mean anything?  Will Dick Kinzel by released from the Carbonite?  What well loved attraction will they tear out next in a hope to beat Magic Mountain to the title?  Will the Golden Ticket ever go to a good park?  And most intriguing, why do they keep building rides that have to close during the lightest breeze at a park next to a lake?

These legends and more have been solved in the past.  But now the greatest mystery emerges.  Gatekeeper has two keyholes.  First, who has the keys?  Second, what happens if one or both of them are turned?  Third, do they have to be turned like the scene in the beginning of Wargames?  Or is it more of a Hunt for Red October thing?  Or perhaps Crimson Tide?

According to sources close to someone who thinks they know a guy working at a nacho stand rumored to be on the Cedar Point peninsula, the first key was buried beneath the former concrete pad of the Wildcat.  The source isn't sure is the key is still there or not, but we have been told that "dancers" and "singers" that now call the area home have attempted to locate it in the hopes of ensuring they won't be kicked out when it is determined that they were never meant to be allowed to torture the human race.

The whereabouts of the second key are still unknown.  But the same guy who may or may not work at a nacho stand has ventured into the secret command center and discovered the mystery that the keys cause.  If both keys are turned at the same time,  the "reverse lycene contingency" is engaged.  This causes a certain group of animatronic lizards to return to their alive state.  According to the book left open on the counter, the lizards are tasked with charging towards Florida to destroy a mouse.  Not without picking up their leader, creator, and former chief executive who will lead them to victory while riding a tyrannosaurus.
For now the keys are safe.  If something does go wrong though, you're all on your own.  

Thankfully, we own an island off the coast of Costa Rica.