Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Members Of Coaster Zombies Coaster Club Mistaken For Actual Zombies

Cedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio

On Saturday, June 7, 2003, five members of the Coaster Zombies coaster enthusiast club were standing in line for Top Thrill Dragster, the new 420-foot tall "strata-coaster" at Cedar Point. By mid-afternoon, they had been standing in line for about seven hours and had barely moved for six of those seven hours.

When Cedar Point employee, Josh Winkelman, spotted them in line, he immediately made an emergency call to park security, believing them to be actual flesh-eating zombies. "I was making my way through the Top Thrill Dragster line offering the usual free massages and margaritas to park guests when I spotted them," said Winkelman. "They were so pale, and they all had such blank empty looks on their faces. Their eyes were rolled back up into their heads just like in that Michael Jackson music video. I knew at once that they must be the living dead. I called security right away before they had the chance to feast on anyone's brains. They all looked very hungry."

Park security quickly surrounded the suspected zombies and ordered them to put their hands behind their heads and to get down on the ground. When they did not immediately respond, park security proceeded to attack them with mace and Taser guns. The club members instantly began screaming, falling to the ground and writhing in agony. Some jiggling occurred as well.

Club leader, Sam Marks, finally managed to convince security guards that he was indeed a living breathing human being and not a zombie by flashing them his official Coaster Zombies coaster club membership card. "We would never allow an actual zombie to join the club," Sam pleaded. "Our club's constitution specifically prohibits bona fide zombies from joining. I must be a genuine living human being or I wouldn't have this membership card, now would I?"

That logic must have been enough to convince park security that Sam and his group were indeed still alive and kicking and had no intentions of munching on anyone's medulla oblongata, because they promptly stopped their assault on the suspected specters.

Park officials were obviously very embarrassed by this mix-up and quickly apologized to Sam and his Coaster Zombie friends. To make up for the misunderstanding, Cedar Point offered Sam and his coaster loving companions free "I (barely) survived the Top Thrill Dragster Queue" t-shirts and unlimited Top Thrill Dragster bathroom passes for life.

--JWS
King Cobra Commits Ritual Suicide to Avoid Donation to Coaster Preservation Club

Late last night, paramedics and Paramount’s King’s Island staff members rushed to the rescue of Standing (well, not exactly standing in the official sense) But Not Operating coaster King Cobra, only to find they were too late. At 1:12 AM, medics pronounced the ride dead. The cause was reported by the medical staff as “self-smelting.”

“The ritual immolation of this ride was like nothing I’d ever seen,” reported PKI’s Daniel Berkshire. “King Cobra has been growing more and more despondent in the months since it was removed from operation at PKI. When it seemed like the ride would be moved to Terra Mitica, it perked up and seemed more alive and happy than it had in several weeks. But then lately, when it appeared that deal was stagnating, the Cobe just really seemed down and despairing. This Coaster Preservation Club (CPC, oops, we mean CPO) thing was the final straw, I guess. It’s a tragedy.”

Said Berkshire, “I think Cobra might have survived if we’d been able to keep it in storage until a suitable buyer had been found. Sadly, our hand was forced by the mighty and fearsome power of the monumental intellects at Coaster Preservation Club. Their threat to sue our park for being in violation of their completely made up law had us %&#%ing our collective pants and quaking in mortal terror of these little pricks and their cavalcade of trained experts. After all, according to their website, ‘the law is that a rollercoaster cannot remain standing but not operating for more than three months, A rollercoaster that is in storage must be sold off within [sic] a year's time. If this law is broken, that park(s) will be sue [sic] by the CPO,if the that ride is not handed over. Parks in violation are: Six Flags Marine World, Six Flags Magic Mountain, Six Flags America, Paramount's Kings Island, and Camden Park.’ “

Berkshire went on to say: “What can we do about that? We decided that we simply had to hand over King Cobra to whichever retarded 12 year old showed up with his mom’s station wagon and let him take the thing straight to Indiana and/or North Carolina. King Cobra didn’t seem to think much of that decision, but we certainly didn’t think it would take its own life.”

King Cobra left a suicide note. It read, in part: “I cannot bear to live with the idea that I will be donated to the worthless cretin life forms who are members of the Coaster Preservation Organization ‘Formly’ Club. All I wanted was to give mild thrills and occasionally excruciating pain to people and their genitals. I cannot accept being fondled and masturbated upon by morons. With that thought I leave you. Good bye, cruel world!”

The medical experts state that King Cobra had disemboweled itself hara-kiri style, drew and quartered itself, and then engaged in ritual self-immolation. “Well,” said the expert, “at least in the way it could. When it discovered that lighter fluid and a match wouldn’t have much effect, the suffering coaster flung itself into a giant smelting pit and melted into oblivion. Sort of like what happens at the end of Terminator 2. Except King Cobra was extending a different finger besides its thumb.”

“Death by self-smelting,” said the expert. “That’s a rotten way to go. But I’d do it myself if my other option was being groped and ejaculated upon by Thunder P&$%sy.”

--JCK