Tuesday, July 04, 2006


My god, how will we survive?!

Oh, wait. It's ThrillNetwork.

Never mind.

Mr. Six's Pandemonium To Be Fun Any Day Now

"Mr. Six's Pandemonium sucks."

So read the text message sent from two coaster enthusiasts to a friend of theirs who had recently claimed the Six Flags New England spinning mouse ride was "loads of fun." Nonplussed, the friend texted back: "Nonsense. One of you just needs to be a lot fatter than the other."

"We just kind of chuckled at that," said Dan Hafner, 36, one of the enthusiasts. "But then I got to thinking...you know, it really would be a lot easier to make a spinning coaster do its thing if you put two people opposite each other, and one was really skinny and the other was a porker. If you're roughly equivalent in size, naturally it would be too balanced to do much."

Hafner confirmed that he had weighed approximately 180 pounds when he had ridden Mr. Six, while his companion Michael Sowell, 39, weighed about 175.

Determined to have fun on Mr. Six, Hafner volunteered to pack on as many pounds as he could over the summer, the better to unbalance the spinning action on the Gerstlauer coaster. Subsisting on a diet largely comprised of massive quantities of Krispy Kremes, bowls of refined sugar, bacon, entire wheels of cheese, and raw cookie dough, and refusing to do anything but sit on his ass and watch television for two straight months, Hafner has bravely increased his weight to 256 pounds already, with an eye toward topping out at approximately 300 pounds by late-August.

When asked if this strategy wasn't a bit extreme, the enthusiast noted that "it's important for us to get to the full effect of this spectacular ride, and I will do anything to accomplish that, even if it knocks my life expectancy down by twenty years of more. I took Robert De Niro's transformation for The Untouchables as my inspiration. If he could do that to his body on behalf of his craft, so can I."

"This ride is going to be awesome once we can ride it in its full glory!" said Hafner, spooning Crisco directly out of the tub into his mouth.