Thursday, October 16, 2003

ARN&R Ban List Addendum

To Whom it May Concern:

After ARN&R published its list of persons banned from all of its functions, including future AbsolutelyReliableCons, we have received additional information from various important industry figures, including representatives of Six Flags, Cedar Fair, Paramount, the Boston Pops, and this guy Denny who lives in our apartment building and doesn't bathe regularly, but who seems like he'd know a lot about amusement park safety. These parties all wished to share and discuss names of individuals and groups banned from their establishments. After consultation with these experts, ARN&R has amended its banned list to also include all of the following:

- Enthusiasses who always follow everyone around blathering on in toolish fashion instead of taking a polite hint and getting lost. Especially that guy who always mumbles to himself and that stupid Blob.

- Anyone who shows up at a coaster event in a 70's blue jumpsuit or a red satin jacket. We recognize that those of us who write for this publication are hardly fashion plates, but one must draw a limit somewhere as to what is acceptable. That limit occurs when our eyes actually begin burning upon viewing a particular sartorial monstrosity.

- Ed Markey. Just because he's a complete dick.

- People who hump, mount, or pleasure themselves in any way on coaster supports.

- Anyone caught heaping more than seventeen burgers, pizza slices, hot dogs, or gallons of ice cream on their plates in one trip to the ACE buffet table. Aside from reducing event costs by eliminating the worst gluttony offenders, this will presumably keep that disgusting mound of lard Rush Limbaugh from infesting one of our events.

- Thunderp*ssy. Surely you don't think we're going to allow any of those drooling cretins associated with the Coaster Preservation Organization Formly [sic] Club attend any of our functions, do you?

- Xfan. We at ARN&R are deeply offended by the practice of bestiality, and those involved with such are not welcome at our functions.

We thank you for your attention.

Sincerely,
The Staff of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors

Published at Last: the Ban List

To Whom it May Concern:

The following individuals and/or groups are henceforth banned from attending any Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors events, including next year's 351st Annual AbsolutelyReliableCon.

- Stan Checketts. He brings way too many meat products, and tends to climb to the top of any structure nearby and flog himself while naked.

- Any enthusiast who advertises that they're looking for a third for a threesome. Eeewwww.

- Helen Hunt. Sure, she'll never go to the ACE events, but she just won't leave us alone. Total pyscho stalker.

- Shoewee. He just won't shut up about Schroeder.

- Dick Van Patten. He and Hunt just can't take no for an answer.

- KISS. Their robot clones just Rip Rip, Rip and Destroy, and we can't have that when we're trying to designate a Boomerang as an ARN&R Coaster Classic.

- Gordon Beeferman, composer extraordinaire. No real reason, but we were worried that we might be slipping in the Google rankings for searches for his name.

- Anyone who has even contemplated stepping foot on a Dance Dance Revolution machine in public. You look like robots. Stupid, arrhythmical robots. No robots at AbsolutelyReliableCon, whether stupid and arrythmical ones or KISS robot clones.

- Editors of ACE publications. Actually, they're not banned, but we figured since they show up weeks after the actual events anyway, we might as well say they're banned.

On the other hand, we would like to be sure it's clear that Paul Ruben is invited to every AbsolutelyReliableCon. We figure if we let him get in front of the buffet line, he'll probably say that ARN&R is the greatest coaster on the planet on the Discovery Channel.
ACE News Changes Name to “AYCE News

When the latest issue of the American Coaster Enthusiasts newsletter, ACE News, hit mailboxes this week, subscribers were not tremendously surprised to note that the publication had a new name: “AYCE News.” After maintaining its previous name for numerous issues over twenty-six volumes, the newsletter undergoes a change that editor Mark Davidson says “more accurately represents the true essence of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.”

“AYCE” is a term typically used at buffet restaurants, and is an abbreviation for “All You Can Eat.” It is most appropriately pronounced with a noticeable redneck accent, say experts on horrible American eating habits.

“The ACE Executive Politburo had a meeting where it was decided, with input from the editorial and writing staff at ACE News, that the mission of the newsletter was simply not being accurately put forth by the title, and a new, bold, and more correct moniker would be required,” said ACE President and Commander of the Order of the British Empire Carole Sanderson. “It took minimal debate to conclude that ACE really has very little to do with roller coasters, preservation, exclusive ride time, or any of the things which some people seem to find important. Actually, ACE is primarily about members gorging themselves on huge hunks of freshly killed game and frolicking and gamboling merrily about in virtual swamps of pork gravy," Sanderson stated, while gnawing on a pork chop on a stick.

"And what better issue to change our name for than the September-October 2003 one? No article ever written has better demonstrated our commitment to these lofty goals of ACE eatery than the one on the Preservation Conference held in Colorado.”

Sanderson gave a detailed presentation on the article with the help of statistical analysis provided by analysts from MIT, the contents of which are summarized below:

- Food and eating are mentioned approximately 18 times. Sanderson generously chose not to add the terms “food for thought” and “perish” (which some took to mean “perishable”) to this list, as they technically are not about actually literally cramming dribbling barbecue and gristle into one's vast gullet.

- Roller Coasters are mentioned in eight paragraphs in the article. This includes all references about preservation, ceremonies, ERT on coasters, and discussions of possible future rides. Meanwhile, food, eating, or eateries are referenced in ten different paragraphs. Sanderson admitted that this comparison is not entirely fair, as most of the articles involving food discuss the slurping down of masses of Crisco and vanilla frosting in intricate, lurid, graphic, and, quite frankly, almost pornographic detail, while the coaster references are nearly clinical in the lack of detail.

- An actual roller coaster finally was mentioned in the eighth paragraph of the article, while food appeared in three paragraphs prior to that point.

- Food references include the following sensationalist accounts, quoted directly from the article. This material is gruesome and explicit, and some viewers may wish to avert their eyes:

And we should say right up front, we’ve been eating quite well this year, thank you.

With a complete dinner just a couple of hours away, registration saw a wide range of handy snacks…

Dinner not only fed us well…

ACE…quickly found refreshments…

With taste buds adequately satisfied, it was on to the coasters…

Breakfast items…woke people to the final day of the conference.

The first surprise of lunch was the God-given freedom to ‘schhhhhhhlock’ as much whipped cream on your strawberry shortcake as you desired.

As if it wasn’t the perfect metaphor, the event officially closed with dessert.

And yep, the Cyclone continued to give one last ERT between scoops of ice cream and decadent toppings.


Although ARN&R is a family publication, and therefore disapproves of all this sexually-charged writing about engulfing entire still-writhing live boars in your yawning crevice of a mouth while stiff-arming other park patrons away from the mashed potatoes with gravy and cheese sauce, we certainly have been won over by the Executive Politburo’s presentation of the reasoning behind the switch. ARN&R therefore offers its full support to ACE News henceforth being known as “AYCE News.”

--JCK