Cedar Point yesterday announced a series of additions to its public relations and marketing campaigns. Most public attention has been paid to its new OnPoint! Blog, but ARN&R is pleased to exclusively report the other changes:
- Cedar Point guests will now be greeted at the gate by "Mrs. Kinzel," one of a series of actresses hired to play Cedar Fair CEO's president Dick Kinzel's aunt. The actress will feign interest in each guest for up to 3.5 seconds, according to documents obtained by ARN&R.
- A new marketing campaign will highlight the availability of free water to all guests. Cedar Point will install three "water break" facilities throughout the park, consisting of a garden hose. The campaign will not note the contemporaneous increase in prices for sunblock to $19.99 per bottle.
- The marketing campaign will also note the availability of free inner tubes to the first eighteen guests daily to the park's water park. Small print will note that "In the unlikely event that an enormous crowd of more than eighteen guests visit the park, we will be glad to rent you one of our Emergency Backup Inner Tubes for the nominal charge of $13.95 per day."
- The park will hire a new PR director named Sol Bernie. Sol will participate in online forums and be "down with" his "homies," "speaking their language," just like OnPoint! "crazy" insider bloggers Tony and Tyler. Sources indicate it won't seem at all like a junior high English teacher talking about last year's boy band in a vain attempt to seem with it.