Thursday, July 29, 2004

Six Flags New England Improves Customer Service
According to recent visitors, Six Flags New England has made major efforts to improve what many felt was a park with terrible customer servive, infrastructure, and cleanliness.  This season, several Six Flags parks announced intentions to make their parks cleaner and prettier and focus on guest relations improvements instead of adding large new rides.  Amongst them, to the happy squeals of many, was SFNE.

Although sources tell ARN&R that the park still runs one train on everything, assigns seats on some coasters, keeps as surly and poorly-trained a staff as possible, charges obscene amounts for parking and food, and maintains its legendary three-foot film of raw human excrement on all bathroom floors and some paths, it nonetheless has made major strides in bettering itself.  Indeed, the park's copiously overflowing urinals all now feature two -count them, two!- sweet-smelling urinal cakes.

"We always used to keep just one urinal cake in each toilet," says an anonymous SFNE employee.  "We figured, why bother with more when the toilets all actively erupt like Yellowstone geysers every few minutes, and our clientele is of such low grade that they'll piss and crap all over the floor and sinks, anyway.  But it really makes a difference with the two cakes, I have to say.  It used to smell like shit and urine, and now it smells like shit, urine, and brain-damaging toxic industrial chemicals!"

According to the employee, in addition to the miraculous improvement of adding extra urinal cakes to its toilets, Six Flags New England also made the major guest relations enhancement of tuning the beat-up piano at the entrance of Houdini's Escape.