Thursday, March 23, 2006

Flashers to Have Free Reign at Six Flags

In a move that some industry experts find surprising, considering the new focus on families and small children being made by Six Flags, the park chain has just announced a new flasher-friendly policy to take effect at several of its properties this season.

"Flashing is great," said a junior Six Flags marketing strategist in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "For one thing, it's awesome to see naked people. You've got your boobs, those are cool. And penises. Some people like those. Heck, a lot of people like both! And then there's the thrill element. You never know when you might get flashed at a Six Flags park. Will it be in line for a Superman ride of some sort? Will it be while you're trying to eat your hot dog? Or changing your baby's diaper? Who knows?"

"The kids will love it," he added. "They'll just love it."

But not everyone will be able to show their naughty parts all willy-nilly, the rep said. The ability to shock other park guests with nude body parts is an upscale privilege reserved for those who buy the new Flash Pass, formerly known as Lo-Q.

Guests who pay to receive their Flash Pass will have the right to flash anyone else in the park - man, woman, child - at numerous randomly selected times during the day, specifically when their pass beeps at them and text-messages "Next Flash Soon!" When this message is received, the guest merely holds the Flash Pass up to one of dozens of handy Exposure Stations throughout the park, and at that point is granted a five-minute window to whip out his or her genitalia in public. Each Flash Pass holder can expect to receive the flashing privilege twenty times per day, spaced over a number of hours.

"By charging approximately thirty dollars per day for a rental of the Flash Pass," said the strategist, "we ensure that only a certain number of patrons are waving dicks and tits randomly at other unsuspecting guests. If we just gave out Flash Passes to everyone in the park for free, there would be none of those great looks of wonder and childish whimsy that we expect to see on people who are getting flashed for the first time at a major family vacation destination. This way, it's controlled so that it's the right number of times to make it a fantastic experience for everyone without becoming so commonplace that anyone tires of the thrill of having sexual organs jiggling in their face."

Pricing for the Flash Pass will differ depending on the park. Six Flags Great Adventure, for example, will offer a one-person rental for approximately thirty dollars per day. "For a discounted price," added the strategist, "other visitors can buy on to the same Flash Pass, reducing the overall price for each flasher, but increasing the pleasure and fun of someone who faces, say, six penises instead of just one."

Six Flags will also market exhibitionist-appropriate clothing, such as a Flash-themed trench coat.

--JCK
Shapiro Unable to Enter Fiesta Texas

New Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro continues his tour of the continent's Six Flags properties, making suggestions, demands, and threats for the benefit of the employees and local media at each stop. But, at least for the moment, not at Six Flags Fiesta Texas.

When Shapiro approached the front of the park to begin his tour this past weekend, the park's managers were most embarrassed to find that the gates had been left locked by accident. The flustered managers, after frantic searching, insisted that none had a key on them, and that probably all of them were stolen out of their pockets earlier in the day by some type of pickpocketing mastermind. A locksmith was called, but he stated that he was completely overbooked and would be available next Monday at some point.

Shapiro, using the genius-level skills that enabled him to reach his current status, snapped his fingers and had the SFFT employees and media follow him to the back gate. "The employee entrance uses a different set of keys," said Shapiro. "There'll be no one to stop us this time."

However, admittance to the park was not meant to be, as, shockingly, all the locks to the employee entrance turned out to be in place but stuffed with gum. "Bunch of savages in this town," noted a frustrated Shapiro. Upon being thwarted by the impassable locks, Shapiro then eyed the park fence for a possible leap into SFFT using the athletic skills he gained from watching ESPN poker tournaments, but someone had, in the middle of the previous night, installed rolls of military-issue razor wire in a double lair around the entire perimeter. "We've had some trouble with young hoodlums recently," explained the park's VP of Operations. "This is just the latest prank they must have pulled. These bratty little kids today."

Shapiro indicated that he would return to SFFT at some point in the near future, perhaps after making another try at touring La Ronde, and make his assessments of the property then.

--JCK