Sunday, February 23, 2003

President Bush Denounces Great Britain

President George W. Bush denounced Great Britain today, claiming it was a “refugee of terrorist people who had weapons of mass production.” This news comes as a mild surprise to much of the planet, as Great Britain appeared to be America’s only major supporter of the coming war with Iraq. The President had already alienated one potential ally recently when he chose to taunt the French for inferior roller coasters.

“My faithful subjects and minions,” Bush stated. “We have learned of a new threat to our borders, that which are needed for our defending. The state of Great Britain is harboring nukyularness and dangerous things, and we must force a regime change, incarcinate those responsible, and hopefully drop some bombs that make all those cool explosions. Things blowing up is neat.”

Bush then weighed in with his evidence against Great Britain. “Great Britain possesses a theme park called Alton Towers, and at the park is a ride called Submission. My advisors have told to me that ‘submission’ is a loose translation of the meaning of the word ‘Islam.’ Clearly, the United Kingdom has affiliated itself with an unholy affiliation of Islammites who endanger our nation, that is the United States. We will give the country exactly one day to tear this ride down, or we will consider England to be in that Axel of Evil thing, and then we’ll have to invade.”

Bush concluded his speech by banging two G.I. Joe dolls together and making moist explosion sounds with his mouth.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair was quick to react. “This is bloody intolerable. Whilst we hope to remain allies with the United States, we will protect our interests, including our interest in getting flipped around in the air to the point of violent physical illness by a well-themed Chance Inverter. My advisors and I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that Mr. Bush has been riding a few too many Vekoma rides lately, and we are not certain he can any longer be entrusted with the leadership of his country.”

--JCK


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(Freaks.)