Saturday, November 15, 2003

Dean Receives Non-Endorsement From ACE

According to an official statement from the American Coaster Enthusiasts Saturday, the organization will not be endorsing Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean. The group stopped short of naming the candidate it would actually support in the upcoming election, meaning that the others who are running for office will be aggressively courting ACE and its tremendous and powerful voting block.

"Howard Dean posits himself as a major player in the race for president," said ACE spokesperson Max Liswell. "Unfortunately for Dr. Dean, he has been governor of a state that does not possess, nor ever possessed, any roller coasters of any sort. This sort of neglect of what we as a group find most important is mind-bogglingly stupid. We hereby denounce the campaign of Dr. Dean. Let him scurry back to his maple-encrusted, amusement-parkless state without our vote of confidence."

"Well, what can I say?" said a clearly upset Dean. "This sucks. This sucks donkeys. But we'll continue to carry on our fight, even without these extremely important 8,000 voters, at least a hundred of whom might vote so long as Election Day doesn't coincide with some special down at Old Country Buffet, and their monster influence behind us. We'll just make up for this crushing defeat by reaching out to rednecks who drive pickups smeared with confederate flags. Both groups have lots of pasty white people with mullets who can't read, so it's a pretty similar voting block."

Early reports that ACE plans to offer its endorsement of failed California governor candidate Gary Coleman could not be confirmed.