Thursday, June 05, 2003

Coaster Preservation Club Great Success; Dozens of Rides Donated

Executives from each of the major amusement park chains and at least a dozen indpendent park operators gathered today in an energetic press conference to throw their support behind the Coaster Preservation Club. Each chain stated that it would donate "starter funds" of $5 million and at least two major functional coasters to go towards the CPC's planned parks in North Carolina, or, perhaps, Indiana.

When we first read the press release announcing the club's beginnings, we knew we wanted to be a part of it," said Gary Story, Six Flags COO. "When we read the club's articulate positioning -- 'Has [sic] we all know parks close and rides are left Standing But not Operating (SBNO), because the park don't [sic] care the rides don't get matained [sic] and end up getting torn down.' -- and heard about their plans for a "small amusement park that will located in North Carolina," we just had to donate Shockwave, Flashback, and essentially every other nonoperational coaster we have in our possession. We're also thinking about just shutting down Six Flags Over Texas so we could donate more."

Paramount Parks agreed, with a spokesman stating that it would donate King Kobra and a year-round maintenance staff, along with free licensing of every trademark it owns. "We just love the idea of a park in Indiana, open year round -- except when it's below freezing, when a behind-the-scenes tour will be offered. It's brilliant! And the fact that it's evidently put together by two fourteen-year-olds just makes it all the more appealing -- it's like Hanson!"

The Paramount and Six Flags representatives then briefly scuffled in a disagreement about whether the park would be in North Carolina or Indiana, but eventually concluded that, although the CBC's website never clearly identifies which location is the goal, the brilliant minds behind CBC must intend to have two parks, given the obvious genius of the plan.

A representative from Universal said the detailed plan set forth was what convinced her company to donate an entire island from Islands of Adventure. "How can you refute the logic of this plan? '1.)Gain support for the Coaster Preservation Club. 2.)Get rides, money from sponsors and donations, and 200 arces [sic] of land. 3.)Start construction and relocate rides. 4.)Open the park.' It's pure unadulterated genius! Plus, the front-page pleading for adult members shows a strategic mind at work."

Story, from Six Flags, pushed his way back to the podium, and praised the great legal strategy laid out by one 'ThunderFun,' evidently the CBC's Grand Poobah: "The List is the list of parks that have violated the CPO's coaster abuse laws. The law is that a rollercoaster cannot remain standing but not operating for more than three months, A rollercoaster that is in storage must be sold off withnin a year's time. If this law is broken, that park(s) will be sue by the CPO,if the that ride is not handed over. Parks in violation are: Six Flags Marine World, Six Flags Magic Mountain, Six Flags America, Paramount's Kings Island, and Camden Park."

"We love to help groups that threaten to sue us based on a law they've almost literally pulled out of their collective ass. In fact, we'll file suit against ourselves!" exclaimed Story. "And we'll donate land in Indiana. Or North Carolina. Whatever."

The press conference then degenerated into chaos as each park chain representative sought to get to the microphone to declare additional contributions to the CBC, and, after a lengthy brawl, the event was declared over.

The CBC's seven members, with an average age of 14 and not one over 15, could not be reached for comment as they were all held after school in detention. In a written announcement, however, they stated that they would be next looking into the Coney Island Thunderbolt, the Idora Wildcat, every coaster ever at Riverside Park in Chicago, and, oddly, a ten-foot Dragon Coaster that once operated at the North Dakota State Fair.
Presley Denied Employment at Libertyland

The fickle breeze of fame blew hard yesterday, as famed Elvis daughter and burgeoning pop icon Lisa Marie Presley was rudely turned down in a bid for employment at Libertyland. Considered by pop music experts to be the single fastest plunge from celebrity to irrelevance in the history of the planet, Presley’s crash to Earth appeared to take her completely by surprise, despite the fact that her complete and utter lack of talent should have made this eventuality an easy one for which to prepare.

Speaking of blowing, Presley, noted in the past primarily for being married to a hairy simian (the loathsome Nicholas Cage) and an insane alien pedophile (Michael Jackson), began yesterday as a pop sensation with several musical hits having been eaten up by a willing and clearly retarded American populace. But then things took a strange and terrible turn: Presley performed live at halftime of the first game of the NBA Finals.

“I bought five copies of her album since she’s related to one great musician and was briefly married to another one,” said Ramona Quince, 45. “She was a heroine of mine. But then I saw her sing ‘Sinking In’ at the basketball game, and I was horrified. For the sake of all that is right and good in the world, that broad can’t sing a lick. That song is awful, and she screeches and brays like a donkey with a hotfoot. I’m going to use my CD’s as Frisbees and drink coasters.”

The sentiment was quickly followed by most of the millions of American imbeciles who purchased this ear-mauling banshee’s records. Within a matter of mere hours, Presley’s album sales had dropped to nonexistent levels, and hordes of crazed music fans were seen burning Presley CD’s in gigantic piles. As she plummeted from pop princess to a useless former icon on the level of Corey Feldman within a span of only five hours, the reviled former diva took the bold step of applying for a new job. Unfortunately, luck was not with her.

“I figured I’d be good in the country music stage show at Libertyland,” admitted Presley. “I can kinda sing, almost. But they wouldn’t hire me. They said I sucked. So I told the managers that I could serve funnel cakes or sell those little glowing things at the end of the day, or even scrape the gum off paths, but they threw me out of the office and called me a ‘no talent ass clown,’ like I was Michael Bolton or something. It was horrible!” Presley then ran home crying to practice caterwauling banal lyrics in a voice as much reminiscent of a horny stray tomcat as possible.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said widely disrespected Rolling Stone columnist Joe Levy. “Even Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice didn’t fall so far, so quickly. For instance, when people got sick of his shit music, Vanilla Ice almost immediately found work at a county fair as the guy who sits in the dunking tank. I’m surprised that Lisa Marie couldn’t get work at Libertyland due to the fact that her dad used to rent the place out and ride Zippin’ Pippin. She must really have gacked at her audition, dude.”

Michael Jackson has reportedly told Presley that he will hire her to operate the train ride at his Neverland park, as long as she agrees to bring six nubile boys with her per week to “ride his Zipper.”

--JCK