Friday, April 06, 2007 Branching Out

California-based announced today that it would, beginning immediately, launch itself as safety experts in the pharmaceutical, automotive, genetics, and heavy machinery industries.

"Within weeks, we expect to start getting quoted by oblivious reporters who spend no time considering whether we in fact have any qualifications," said a press release issued by the organization. "We can set up another website that would have maybe looked modern in 1995 within, like, five minutes, and start issuing self-important pronouncements a couple of hours later. No problem!"

Indeed, within two hours of the press release's issuance, the group distributed its first "safety alert" regarding the popular anti-cholesterol medication Lipitor. "One PharmaSafety member has reported that this product can cause dizziness if you smack yourself on the head very hard with the bottle. Another reports that the drug can cause discomfort if placed in the anus. Both report that their usage did not result in lowered cholesterol. We think this is enough information to declare the product a problem and to describe [Lipitor manufacturer] Pfizer as anti-consumer."

Similarly, the group urged "caution" in connection with the Toyota Prius, because "three out of four Prius drivers felt unsafe when drivng it at eighty miles per hour while drunk. Toyota clearly has different priorities than driver safety!"

When asked for their qualifications to evaluate the safety of pharmaceuticals, automobiles, genetic therapies, and heavy machinery, an organization spokesman said, "We are exactly as qualified to be a safety authority about those industries as we are about amusement rides."