Universal Puts Stop to Happy Endings
In news that has the erotic massage community reeling, Universal Studios Florida has put an end to all happy endings during the amusement venue's infamous Halloween Horror Nights event.
"This sucks," proclaimed massage fan Thomas Huckleberry, 24. "That was the best part about going to Halloween Horror Nights. You could ride Hulk and Spiderman, get your butt scared off in some mazes, and then get an awesome massage."
The news came in the form of advertisements produced for various radio and television stations that were holding promotions and contests related to the spooky event. The ads proclaimed the following:
The most terrifying haunted houses ever created, scare zones that make your skin crawl, and monstrous creatures from inside the demented mind of "The Storyteller".
There are no happy endings to her tale. When she gets to "The End"... you're FINISHED.
But this lack of a happy ending this year makes Huckleberry and others unwilling to shell out all that money for the event. "What's the point of a massage without a happy ending?" he asked. "Without the hand job at the end, it's just a back rub, right? I'm not paying extra unless Granny gets me off!"
A representative from Disney scoffed at Universal's No Happy Endings policy, pleasantly adding that Disney does have happy endings available at all times at the Cinderella's Royal Table Restaurant inside the Magic Kingdom.
[Update: It has been pointed out that HHN does still feature massages. We stand by our reporting that there is no happy ending.]