Sunday, December 26, 2004

America’s Christmas Village Soon To Sprout

In keeping with spirit of the season, ARN&R sought out a story that would warm the cockles of our readers’ hearts.  When we could not find that story I recalled a piece I read on the AP wire and decided just to talk to the same people they did.  With my pride in my pocket I boarded a jet a few days before Christmas and headed to the state with the most unwanted pregnancies -- Texas.

Lone Star investor Wallace Westbrook is working on the final preparation stages of his dream, America’s Christmas Village.  The property will consist of a wedding chapel, RV Park, time share homes and Capital Hill, which will consists of full-size recreations of each state’s governor’s mansion.  It will be like a living, breathing Thomas Kincade painting, full of the same lust for a “simpler time” that existed only in Strom Thurmond’s mind.

I recently sat down with Westbrook and discussed his plans for turning Arkansas woodland into a way to earn money through Jesus.  “We are very excited about the project,” Wallace beamed.  “What we are doing has never been done before.  Outside of Branson, where else in America can you be married, have your honeymoon in an RV and have breakfast with Santa Claus all in one place?” 

What pleased Wallace most about the concept was the fact that America’s Christmas Village will be rooted in the spirit of Dickens’ Christmas classic A Christmas Carol.  He said, “It is great because only the best part of Victorian society will be represented.  We don’t worry about the 90% of the population that lived in abject poverty -- we prefer to concentrate on the 10% that could afford to have nice Christmases.”

Before we closed for the day, I asked Wallace about the overt homosexual tones found on his website.  He pretended not to know what I was talking about, but Victorian fashion shows, Santa receiving a reach-around and Resident Bear “Father Christmas” all invoked a serious man-love overtone to me.  While Wallace contended that there were no Gay Santas on-site, he said gays and lesbians were welcome as long as “they accepted Christ as their savior and made a charitable contribution to the park as a way to say ‘thank you’ for saving their souls.”

Wallace feels that God spoke to him after surgery to create Christmas Village.  He said that the park will be filled with God’s love and reflect timeless wisdom found in the Bible, such as Psalm 137:9: “Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.” 

Amen and Merry Christmas.

--FMB

Friday, December 24, 2004

Last-Minute ARN&R Gift Guide

Merry Jesus Day loyal ARN&R readers! Yes it is FMB dropping the holidays like they are hot. If you have forgotten to buy something for that enthusiast who is special to you (or who is simply that nerdy neighbor that works on your computer in exchange for Hot Pockets) then the Fiftieth Annual Absolutely Reliable Gift Guide is right up your alley. Sit back, chill with some niz-og and watch as I spit my mad Christmas game.

5. Roller Coaster World.com Clock

Your beloved enthusiast has everything coaster-related. But, I bet they don't have a clock put together by meth-lab entrepreneurs doing their work-release program. Nothing quite says class like having a beautiful coaster clock hanging next to that Magnum XL-200 poster and above that sink full of dirty dishes. Looking for an investment? A coaster wall clock will only going to appreciate in value.

4. Back Hair Trimmer- Perfect for the Coaster Bear in your life:



3. Subscription to Thrillride!

Sure, 2.7 cents per-day is a lot of money, especially when you are living in your parents' basement on food stamps. However, unlike other subscription-based coaster websites Thrillride! is important. With the in-depth Wild Rumors and up-to-date content you can be sure that your enthusiast will be happier than a pig in shit.

2. Lighted Disney Jackets

Coaster couples love to show that they love one-another by wearing matching neon Indiana Beach shirts, embroidered hot pants and delicious ARN&R thongs [Ed. Notes: No flavor included]. But no two people can consider to be a pair unless they pick up some sassy Disney jackets. These beautifully embroidered jackets utilize the same space-age lighting technology found on train sets. Guys, scrap the diamond this year. If you want to get into her pants pick up these great declarations of love.



1. Living with Coasters

Forget Citizen Kane, the real cinematic genius is found in Paul Greenwald's 2003 release Living with Coasters. This work of art traces the history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) from its founding by a few dateless losers to the bloated bureaucracy of dateless losers it is today. We see intimate shots of Paul on all fours in his bedroom, marathoning on Rebel Yell and watch as Kennywood Park laughs at its insurance adjusters by allowing enthusiasts to walk Thunderbolt as the train speeds by. If you have ever wanted to see why enthusiasts are not understood by people who get laid on a regular basis, be sure to pick this up!

-FMB

Photos courtesy of MSR

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

TSA Agents Culled From Park Ranks

With the holiday crunch upon us the Transportation Security Agency (TSA) has looked to new sources to fill the ranks of their incompetent workforce. Outgoing Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge said, “Traditionally we have pulled from a pool people not smart enough to work at Wal-Mart or McDonald’s. With the economy in the toilet and people staying at those jobs we have to branch out. Several amusement parks, notably Six Flags New England and Kentucky Kingdom, have just the kind of people we’re looking for.”

The official government term is “degree of sloth,” but in layman’s terms big brother is looking for slow, stupid people. Six Flags CEO Kieran Burke said he understands why the national government is turning to his employees. “When you need that unique combination of incompetence and slow-to-no movement one, with a healthy dollop of outright hostility, you’re hard-pressed to find anyone better than a Six Flags coaster crew. Our only concern is that they not forget some of our larger facilities like Magic Mountain. As we run everything at less than 50% capacity it is important to find new jobs for those ‘affected’ by cutbacks and government work is perfect for them.”

Steve Johansen, currently an X-ray specialist at Chicago’s O’Hare airport, spent a lot of time at some great training facilities. “Yup, I started out at Six Flags America, then moved to Busch Gardens’ Gwazi crew and ended up as Operations Director at Frontier City. I certainly know how to get things done quickly,” he laughed, with a small drop of drool slowly making its way down his chin.

There are many parallels between a career in parks and the TSA, such as low pay, long hours, irregular operating procedures and dealing with mullets on a regular basis, but the anti-literati take it all in stride. Standing under the TSA’s straight-out-of-the-Third-Reich logo of an eagle staring at nothing, Ridge proudly looked on at Washington’s Dulles airport. “Look at that line,” he exclaimed proudly, gesturing to a quarter-mile barely-moving line. “That’s what happens when you only hire the best.”

At that point Ridge excused himself to conduct a rectal exam.

--FMB

Thursday, December 16, 2004

ACE Considers Banning Terminology

In light of recent indicents featuring hysterical laughter directed towards enthusiasts, ACE executive committee members are considering a proposal banning the use of "woodie" or "wood" when referring to wooden coasters.

"It's been a time-honored tradition of coaster enthusiasts to talk about how good it feels riding their favorite wood, or how many woodies they've ridden, or which woodie is the longest, but recently, inexplicable laughter has greeted many enthusiasts' comments, causing embarassment and spilled gravy," stated one beloved executive committee member speaking on the condition of anonymity.

One enthusiast's sister had this to say: "I love trying to get my brother to talk about wooden roller coasters, because he just rambles on about wood and woodies and gets the funniest dumbfounded look on his face when my friends and I begin laughing uncontrollably. I think he honestly doesn't get it."

The situation had come to a head (ahem) earlier this week when an enthusiast, nearly driven mad by not being able to increase his track record on kiddie coasters on account of cold and snow, suggested that a group of enthusiasts ban together to "give Cedar Point a virtual woodie." The reaction almost ended in two deaths from laughter and countless bellyaches.

The ACE proposal would encourage enthusiasts to use the term "wooden coaster" or "wooden roller coaster" to make themselves better understood in conversation. The proposal would also create a budget to increase enthusiast awareness that "woodie" is a slang term for a certain part of the male body in a certain condition. ACE will allow the continued use of the term "woodie" at internal, closed-door meetings only.

It is this reporter's belief that this is the only logical and sensible action -- one which actually might serve to advance the coaster enthusiast community -- to ever come from ACE. [Note: Gravy museums do not count.]

--BS

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Six Flags Magic Mountain Sent to Betty Ford Clinic

In a press conference today, Keiran Burke, Six Flags CEO, stated that rumors about Six Flags Magic Mountain checking into the well-known Betty Ford clinic for substance abuse were true. The announcement came after Burke had been hounded about the situation from concerned media for the past several weeks.

According to Burke, Six Flags Magic Mountain regressed into heroin, crack and sex addiction mere days after it was announced that Six Flags Great Adventure would be receiving the record-setting Kingda Ka roller coaster in 2005, while SFMM would only get a new Sno-Cone stand.

"Six Flags Magic Mountain made mistakes, but is doing better now that it has checked into the Betty Ford Clinic," Burke told a crowd standing in the SFGRAD parking lot that will soon be painted green to look like grass in a poor attempt to theme a coaster. "Remember, the first part of fixing the problem is admitting you have one. I'm convinced this park will make a full recovery."

In a statement released just hours after Burke's announcement, Six Flags Magic Mountain discussed some of the reasons as to why it had started the insatiable drug abuse. "I was always used to getting the biggest. The best. In the past few years, hearing people refer to me as 'Tragic Mountain' really hurt, ya know?"

Six Flags Magic Mountain went on to explain how the addiction began. "I was expecting to get that new ride. I needed it! I was used to being showered with gifts from corporate, but now they've turned their backs on me. They know I need to be in constant competition with Cedar Point, and Kingda Ka, or as it would have been called were it to have been installed here, 'Superman: The Ultimate Road Runner's Escape of the Dark Knight's Revenge,' would have put me back up to par, and one coaster ahead of that tramp, Cedar Point."

(When queried as to whether the coaster addition would have really put the park even with Cedar Point, SFMM released a clarifying second statement indicating that it feels "Superman is a coaster, even if it can't keep it up. End of discussion.")

Burke and SFMM refused to divulge how long the park would remain in the rehabilitation program.

--TS
But Wait, There's More

We know you can't get enough of Psycho Loser Stalker Jerkoff, so we're committed to providing you with as many steaming platefuls of him as you can stomach. We found a wonderful thread featuring PLSJ at PKI Central, and in fact two different people had come up with story ideas making use of that topic as a Site O' the Weak. Sadly, someone at the site recently decided to make that topic a members-only discussion, making its use as a SOW somewhat difficult.

However, we shall instruct you on how to see this magnificent discussion; it merely takes a few seconds out of your day, and, believe us, it will be worth it.

First, go to PKI Central and sign up for a user name. All you need to do is ask for a login name and provide a real email address, and you can log on. You don't even need to go through a tedious reconfirmation process through your email. Now you are a member, and can read whatever topics you want at the site.

Next, direct your browser to "What is up with Taxi Jam?" a thread so magnificent and wonderful that you will unable to think about anything else, even masturbating to Kumba Ka pictures, for weeks.

For those of you thinking of skipping out on this once-in-a-lifetime experience, due to the possibility that it will take a few minutes out of your day, keep in mind that this is the most amazing and wondrous thread ever made. When Psycho Loser Jackoff Stalker begins a thread by bitching about not being allowed on Top Cat's Taxi Jam, a coaster which is, seriously, about six feet high and goes in one little oval, and refers to an alleged companion as his "Asian Ladyfriend" about four hundred times in each paragraph, it's already worth seeing. But then it actually gets better, as his posts grow more insane and the responses of the other forum participants grow ever more nasty. Oh, it brought tears of joy to our eyes, and savage pain to our spleens.

Read. Taste. Gnaw. Devour. Experience. You'll fall on your knees and thank us.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: The part where he threatens to "beat the crap" out of some enthusiasts and informs everyoen that he "is not someone to mess with" is also pretty amazing.]

Monday, December 13, 2004

Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff Pity Award

Ah, he's back. Much like that fungus you just can't get rid of, no matter how much you scratch that crotch or blast it with Tinactin. Much like that ear-reaming new version of Do They Know Know It's Christmas? that appears to be constantly in play on every sound system in the known universe. And even like that bad case of spicy diarrhea you got from eating the burrito from the Mexican food stand, even though the chicken smelled like three-week-old sardines. Yes, it's the return of Psycho Loser Stalker Cretin Jackass Worthless Bitch-Ass Piece of Shit Slimeball Boy. And he's receiving a less-than-cordial response from both ARN&R and RRC.

Back when he made his first appearance as a Site O' the Weak at ARN&R, we wondered if our taunting, and that of pretty much everyone who deigned to even reply to him in his forums, would dissuade him from showing his grimy chancre of a face in public again. Sadly, he failed to take the hint, whereupon he landed a rare second Site O' the Week victory. At the time, we wondered...could this dickless pile of garbage possibly garner a threepeat?

Yes.

--JCK

Sunday, December 12, 2004

ACE Region Turns to Pornography


As regional representatives of the American Coaster Enthusiasts discover the power of the Internet, recent months have seen a proliferation of websites specifically devoted to the activities of various ACE regions. But, as these new webmasters have discovered, the only way to run a website at a profit is to showcase porn. (Either that, or feature articles satirizing the amusement industry, which experts tell us has enabled ARN&R to earn literally hundreds of cents over the past few years.)

While most ACE regional websites have floundered in financial woe and irrelevance, one has made the bold leap to be noticed by the world at large: The Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts webpage, reached at www.ace18.org, operated by the suddenly wealthy ACE Region 18.

"We were trying to think of something that would play well off the name of our region, which is eighteen," said Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts spokesman John DiStefano. "And naturally we remembered that eighteen is the age of consent in most states, which means you can legally feature porn involving anyone over that age. And it's really taken off...our hot, horny, barely-eighteen coasters will allow themselves to be ruthlessly violated in unspeakable ways just for your amusement, as long as you provide us with your credit card number."

Some of the popular barely-eighteen coasters featured engaging in graphic and deranged scenes of sexual activity on the website include Le Monstre, Puff the Little Fire Dragon, and Disaster Transport. However, DiStefano warned that visitors to the website should not expect to see anything illegal on the Region 18 site.

"All of our whores and sluts are of legal age," he stated. "Most of them are mere hours or perhaps days past the age of eighteen, which means they are totally hot, young, and ready for action, but also will not cause us to get thrown in jail for showing 24 ACE members riding them at once. But unfortunately, if you are looking for those steamy new pics of Hades violating four different holes, you're out of luck. You'll have to look to other sources for your jailbait."

--JCK

Friday, December 10, 2004

Dollywood Flat Ride Revealed

Word has rapidly spread throughout the enthusiast community that Dollywood would be adding new flat rides, but only ARN&R has the exclusive word on what one of the rides will be.

Based loosely on Epcot's TestTrack concept, Dolly herself has been heavily involved in planning their new "non-flat" flat ride, an innovative concept in 4-D renderings and taking make-up artistry to the next level. The ride concept is presently named "TestRack," though the park is reportedly considering other names, including "Melonriffic" and, perhaps least subtly, "Breasasaurus Rex."

According to sources, TestRack will be unveiled at the Grand Opening of the 2005 season, and will allow guests to experience for themselves what it's like for Dolly to carry her own specific weight distribution around daily.  

Initially, there were concerns that Disney would sue. But after some tough negotiating with the lead mouse himself, Dolly and her supporters, er, lawyers have won over Mickey.   Rumors suggest that a large block of cheese was delivered to the Magic Kingdom, but this reporter was unable to confirm or deny those claims. Nor was ARN&R able to confirm reports that Mickey was allowed an opportunity to roam free on the inspirations for the new ride.

In any event, the potential litigation is no longer on the horizon, and so we can confirm (assuming Interactive Rides isn't involved): Coming in '05 to the mountains of Tennessee....TestRack!

--BL

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Corrections

ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors, typographical mistakes, and any inaccuracies in our rumor reporting made on our website. If you think we have made an error in a story, and sincerely believe we give a shit, please email us promptly at errorsupportcrew_main69@absolutelyreliable.com.

A recent ARN&R article described the new custom installation of a Vekoma Boomerang at Visionland. Numerous Southern readers indicated to us that they were insulted by our handling of this news. After intricately researching our information a second time, we are able to report that, indeed, we forgot to mention that, not only will the ride feature a porch and be put up on blocks, it will also feature several large hound dogs laying around on it. Additionally, the ride will feature a helpful banner detailing the proud history of the South. ARN&R regrets these omissions.

In another recent story, ARN&R broke the exciting news that the Voice of Kennywood would be creating the spoken role of General Grievous in the next Star Wars film. While we stand behind this information and the sources who reported it to us, we neglected to mention that "General Grievous" is one of the dumbest names a movie character has ever had. ARN&R apologizes for this error.

Finally, another ARN&R story suggested that ACE is full of morons who regularly piss off amusement parks with their loutish and rude behavior, unreasonable demands, and farting. This was just a typo. We regret the inconvenience.

--JCK

Monday, December 06, 2004

IAAPA Wrap-Up

Hey boys and girls, FMB spitting mad game as I share my IAAPA report with you. I had a great time this year as I big pimped at the Quality Inn, had some good eats at the Golden Corral and Western Sizzlin‚ buffets and got 50 rides on Hulk. Booyaa! Anyway, you industry types probably want to know what I found interesting on the show floor.

Premier Rides: Go-Karts and refurbishment, it was non-stop excitement here.

Intamin: Told to leave. Fuckers.

B&M: I made their trade show lackey my bitch and we talked about the B&M restraints for hours.

S&S: Stan handed out a lot of raw meat, but only if guests rode his new Screamin' Swing.

Pinfari: The size of their booth indicated that the mob is no longer financing their failures.

Vekoma: I hurt my head just walking by.

Zamperla: Disk'O - Guys, I rode this last year, bring me something new!

Gerstlauer: Learn how to speak our language, American.

Robocoaster: I am so glad they invest the time, money and effort to bring us concepts too impractical and expensive for anyone to buy.

ARM: Who knew a tower ride could be ghetto fab?

Sellner: I liked your new swing ride when Chance debuted it over 30 years ago.

Noble Romans, Dippin' Dots, Steak-Ums, Super Pretzel and Pepsi: The best booths on the floor!

--FMB
Details on Visionland Boomerang Emerge


Visionland amusement park recently announced its acquisition of a used Vekoma Boomerang coaster for the 2005 season. To date, most news reports have assumed that the installation would be a standard one, but ARN&R has received a few leaked details that will make the coaster something special:

- Most notably, the coaster will be installed in the front grassy area of the park, placed up on cinder blocks. "That will allow us to get right up under it to work on it, and really get it working, and it also allows us to move to a different trailer park, er, amusement park, if we need to," said the Visionland source.

- The park will purchase the optional porch build-out. "This makes it look different than all the rest and really adds the classy touch."

- The park will also purchase the optional extra half-bath. "So if we've got some neighbors over for NASCAR or just a few Schlitzes, they can drain the weasel right there without having to go down the hall."

At press time, the park had not decided whether to pay the extra $900 for mirrors on the ceiling.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Thank You For Sharing

Lots of enthusiasts like to take home junk they found at amusement parks. Some of them mistakenly even believe that their friends and family will be interested in viewing them. But there's nothing quite like a webpage that features a sexy photoshoot of nothing but a bunch of coaster cups someone actually bothered to take home. It makes us positively hard and/or moist to see these priceless artifacts displayed for all the world to worship and appreciate. Thank you for sharing, Site O' the Weak!

[Editor's Note: Please note that the SOW designation is for the coaster cup page only, not the rest of the site, which actually features rather good photos of actual coasters, as opposed to, you know, sexy photoshoots of some cups.]

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

General Grievous Casting Announced

In news that has been eagerly awaited by salivating Star Wars enthusiasts, the casting of a voice actor to portray General Grievous, a menacing new computer-generated villain appearing in next May's Revenge of the Sith, was announced today. Although many insiders had speculated that John Rhys-Davies, Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman, or even Carrot Top might score the plum voice role, Lucasfilm made a bold and surprising move: handling the voice of the evil General will be none other than the Voice of Kennywood.

"It's a proud day for me," said the elated Voice of Kennywood. "I know I've achieved recognition over the years for my announcements at Kennywood, especially when I alert the crowds as to when the park will be closing, since it always varies based on weather and how many people visit the park. But this is a whole new step, and one that I feel will open an entire new horizon of voiceover opportunities for me."

"F*ck this Garfield shit," the Voice added. "I'm moving up in the world, baby."

In related news, ARN&R has learned a very interesting spoiler dealing with the highly-anticipated final Star Wars chapter: our source tells us that Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker end up in their massive duel to the death due to an argument over whether Tsunami is exciting or just rough as hell. As always, we will keep you posted as we hear further exciting news and rumors about Revenge of the Sith.

--JCK

Monday, November 29, 2004

ARN&R Writer Felled by Thanksgiving

According to sources, an ARN&R writer was utterly conquered by Thanksgiving dinner this year. Although many were led to believe his membership in the American Coaster Enthusiasts would enable him to survive metric assloads of stuffing, cranberry sauce, and turkey, the writer proved to me a mere mortal, managing to cram only one substantial plate of food down his gullet, and suffering greatly as a result.

"He just lay on the couch moaning and massaging his stomach for the rest of the night," said the writer's girlfriend. "I thought these enthusiast people were supposed to be able to pack down three or four tons of slop at one sitting. What a loser. Maybe I'll go find myself a real enthusiast who actually likes going backwards on rides and can help himself to a fifth plate of collard greens without having to loosen his belt and whine about how his tummy hurt."

According to one friend of the writer, his busy work schedule and lack of money led to the Thanksgiving incident. "Normally, he makes it to at least a couple enthusiast events," said a guest at the dinner. "Being amongst other enthusiasts for even just two or three buffets really keeps him in shape for pitching trowels of meat carcasses and bread into his esophagus. But this year, he wasn't able to get to a single event. If you don't practice ramming jugs of gravy and entire hams into your maw, you get out of shape at doing it."

When asked for comment, the writer allegedly grasped at his stomach, made a pained expression, and said "Uuuunnnnngggghhhhhhhhhh."

--JCK

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Trip to New Zealand Turned Down

According to reports, a man named Luke Denning has recently declined to join his family on a vacation to New Zealand, despite the fact that most of the cost would be covered by his relatives. So why would someone turn down a chance to see his closest relatives and deny himself a once in a lifetime experience in a majestic, relatively unspoiled foreign country?

New Zealand has no roller coasters.

"Luke kept waffling about going to New Zealand," said co-worker Jenny Colson. "But he's one of those, I don't know what you call them officially, dork people who never has a girlfriend because he drools a lot and only talks about 'laterals' and how he 'likes a good hard ride on some wood.' But eventually he decided not to take the trip. He came in to work and yelled to us, not that we cared, that he "would visit New Zealand when they build a f*cking coaster!'"

"It kind of sucks for us," Colson added. "We thought he'd be out of the office for two weeks, and we wouldn't be forced to listen to all those grunting, slapping, and plopping noises that always seem to be going on in his cubicle whenever his coaster screen saver comes on. Oh well."

The tourism board of New Zealand is taking this matter very seriously. When asked for comment, a spokesman told ARN&R that New Zealand desperately wants Denning to spend time in that country, and will do anything he asks in order to make it happen, including building a massive world-record-setting launched coaster or adding gravy troughs throughout the country.

--JCK

Sunday, November 21, 2004

New Policy at Cedar Point

Based on complaints from frequent important guests, Cedar Point will be enforcing a new policy of brake lights to be attached to all guests of the park. Each guest will be given a set of lights to hang on their rear as they enter the park and will be required to wear them at all times.

Cedar Point officials hope that this new policy will cut down on the excessive number of people stopping suddenly in the middle of the midway for no reason, causing untold frustration to those guests who are still able to think properly and make decisions once inside the park gates. The lights will come in various sizes to accommodate all guests, ranging from youth sizes through Too-Fat-for-Millennium-Force and Coaster-Enthusiast.

The lights are based on a new technology being developed in secret labs in the Disaster Transport building, finally giving light to the reason that Cedar Point still retains the ride. The lights respond to the stupidity level of guests and the size of the guests’ group and adjust their sensitivity to slowing of speeds. Guests in groups of six or more, and those from red states will have the highest setting.

Research has shown that in 56% of stoppages, the guests’ brain waves simply shut down for a time, and not knowing what to do next, the entire body will just stop. Guests with strollers are 71% more likely to fall within this category, while many fall into the 32% of stoppages due to unruly children. 11% are due to large groups not being able to make up their minds, while the remaining 1% is due to coaster enthusiasts stopping to take pictures or scratch themselves while faintly moaning.

In an interview with Cedar Point PR officials, it was noted that the complaints of a particularly annoyed ARN&R Field Reporter and girlfriend were a major contributing factor to the decision to implement the lights. "According to their reports, no less than 854 people stopped for no reason right in front of the hapless couple who were just trying to enjoy their day at the park," stated the official. "While past attempts to encourage people to think, or at least move to the side, before stopping have been unsuccessful, we are optimistic about the possibilities of this year’s plan."

There were unconfirmed rumors that the park would also be allowing guests who are run into by strollers to return the favor with greater force, but this could not be confirmed.

--BS

Friday, November 19, 2004

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom to Offer Free Goats

In what amusement industry insiders say is an attempt to compete against rival park Holiday World, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom announced today that it would be offering free goats to any of its paying customers. This is believed to be a first for an American amusement park.

"Everone likes to get something for free, especially if they're accustomed to paying for it when they should not have to," said a SFKK spokesman. "We always like to look out for what's best for our customers. At any other amusement park, if a patron forgot their goat, they would be stuck. But here we will provide the free goats."

The spokesman noted that customers could actually get unlimited goats, but only the small ones. The full size and special souvenir goats would still be the usual price.

Holiday World, which offers free drinks, parking, and suntan lotion, but not free goats, refused to comment to ARN&R on the matter.

--JCK

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Be Politically Active



You might not quite be able to read that, but it says "Don't blame me, I voted for Raven."

You can get the fancy organic two-sided one here (the back says "Vote Raven/Legend in 2008") or the cheapo one-sided one here ($9.99 -- hey, that's less than $10, so long as you ignore shipping!).

These shirts will be the must-have items next year. Heck, we've already gotten orders from America's Next Top Model.

Though we think they might have bought them to use to tie off before shooting up.
Absolutely Reliable Expands Business Empire

At a press conference today, executives from Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, the world's premiere source of completely factual amusement industry information, announced an exciting business venture designed to expand the influence of the company across the world.

First it was an actual contact email, then the immensely successful Online Shoppe. Following that came the Site O' the Weak, the Atom Feed, and information on how to boycott ARN&R. Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors has always pushed the envelope and added new sections to its flagship website. Yet it has never branched out into any other business ventures, ones that would use the well-respected ARN&R name but have nothing to do with amusement park news. That time has finally come.

"Pet sitting," said ARN&R's Editor in Chief, Grand Poobah, and Hillary Duff Fan Club Secretary. When reporters stared blankly at him, and one allowed a trickle of drool to dribble from the corner of his mouth onto his shirt, the Editor in Chief repeated himself:

"Pet sitting. It's a major emerging global market. For an hourly fee, our editors, writers, and possibly Jessica Alba will drive to people's houses, where they will feed, water, play with, and walk cats and dogs. And since the domain of absolutelyreliable.net was still available, it made it exceptionally easy to reach a large number of people who might need this service, all the while keeping that ever-important ARN&R branding in the forefront of their minds. Naturally, we want to keep people happy by keeping their pets happy, but we surely wouldn't mind if they 'accidentally' browsed over to the original ARN&R amusement industry news blog and purchased a Beast thong or a shirt informing other enthusiasts that their favorite coaster sucks."

The Editor in Chief did note that handing over the design of the site to a group of actual dogs had not produced an award-winning site, what with front page links going to pages that say things such as:

Enter text here about yourself, your company, club or organization. Write as much detailed information as you can.

Enter text here about any relevant education, training, employment, practice philosophies, etc.. You may even want to add some personal qualities or information enabling your web site visitors to gain further insight.


However, he did add that "it's only in the Beta stage, so we're certain that, despite initial startup issues, our pet home care service will prove to a major player in the world business community."

And ARN&R is not expected to stop with their expansion. If the pet sitting business should prove as profitable as posting free articles about roller coasters, the head honchos have promised further expansion. Although the site executives were tight-lipped when queried about this, it is known that they have been agressively bidding for ownership of the absolutelyreliable.gov, absolutelyreliable.edu, and absolutelyreliable.org domains, so it goes without saying that huge events in the realm of ARN&R will be unfolding in the very near future.

Any major announcements will naturally be covered, as they happen, in excrutiating detail here at the ARN&R Non-Pet-Sitting Corporate Division.

--JCK

Monday, November 15, 2004

We're Still Here

As many as two or three of our valued readers out there may have noticed that the updates have not been as fast and furious at ARN&R as usual. Fear not, friends. We have not abandoned you. Nor have we run out of story ideas, and we haven't spent the last week absentmindedly plucking at our scrotums while looking at pictures of Thunderhead. Not much, anyway. The main reason for the slower schedule has been the relocation of one of the editors to a new apartment, where the combination of lugging boxes and cleaning while also not missing any work has occupied pretty much every minute of his free time.

Also he had to set his fantasy football lineups.

But don't fret, little campers, your trusty co-editor is sort of moved in, and is ready to provide you with all the juiciest true facts about your favorite amusement parks in the upcoming days. Assuming he's in the mood, anyway. He can get pretty ornery.

And keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming major announcement from ARN&R regarding an exciting new business venture for the website. We promise you'll love it.

--JCK

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Surviving IAAPA: A Guide for Enthusiasts

Hey enthusiasts, it is FMB rappin' at ya with the latest in IAAPA "do's and don'ts."  I know you have been wondering what to wear, what to say and how to shake your groove thing while on the show floor.  All I can say is don't worry, we've got you covered.  Delve into some of these great pointers and soon you and Claude Mabillard will be on the friendship tip.

5) Marathon

Those rides out back are set up for enthusiasts -- for you.  Be sure to spend a lot of time riding and re-riding each piece of equipment to make sure you can post how much fun they were or how much they sucked.  Don't forget to tell the guy stuck working in the Florida sun whether or not you like the ride; his company will appreciate your input.  Afterwards, feel free to pleasure yourself on the diamond plating.

4) Interview For Your Website

Your site on Earthlink is arguably the finest source of coaster information out there.  It doesn't matter that you still list the "New For '01" coasters, people come to you because you are the enthusiast with brains. Don't feel bad about cornering Werner Stengel for a half-hour to talk about Millennium Force.  He loves talking to someone as smart as you.  Make sure he leaves with one of the business cards you printed up at home.  Yes, soon the Steng-dog will be dropping coastr_stud435@aol.com an email asking design advice.

3) Sport a Mullet

Nothing says "professional" like a mullet.  This tells people that you are business in the front, party in the back and one hardcore coaster-marathoning motherf*cker.  When you roll up with the t-tops down in the hot Florida sun and your feathered mullet blowing in the wind, heads will turn and everyone will know a high-roller has just stepped onto the show floor.  Don't be embarrassed by how successful you are -- embrace it.

2) No Stress Dress

This is your only vacation from being shift manager at McDonald's, so enjoy life!  Don't be afraid to weather that black Mamba t-shirt that is a few sizes too small.  No one will even notice your gut with that foxy Beast belt buckle.  Ride manufacturers always enjoy it when you hang around their booth in a t-shirt that has their coaster on it.  In fact, if you see customers having to wait to talk to a representative, don't be afraid, start telling them why Manufacturer X "rocks."

1) Interrupt

If I have learned one thing, it is that IAAPA is for enthusiasts.  Make sure you interrupt when ride people are talking about products, especially when they are going over final contract points.  You paid to get in and therefore you are just as important to Vekoma as Marty Skelar.  Trust me, they will be so impressed when you tell them how to improve their rides!

Well folks, I will see you down in the Sunshine State.  Just look for the handy-dandy neon yellow ARN&R press pass.  I can't wait to discuss the best seat on TTD with you at Denny's.

--FMB
Surviving IAAPA: A Guide for Industry Buyers

For decades Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors has been the voice of the amusement industry and in 2004 we are proud to step up our IAAPA coverage to unprecedented levels. For months, industry leaders, CEOs and even Mickey himself have come to us wanting to know how to “work” the show floor.  Here are what we consider the five most important tips to making the most out of your time as a buyer for your park, carnival, FEC, or fictional Pittsburgh-area amusement park/entertainment complex.

5)  Chicks in Bikinis

Almost every year a few booths set up with hot chicks in bikinis that do not speak English.  Be sure to stop by them often.  Your wife probably has a “mom ass” by now and knows you very well -- but not these women. They barely understand a word you say as you drool over their tight bodies.  When they ask “U vant Laser Tag?” you should not respond; just continue to stare at their chests.

4)  Free Food

The show floor is big and you will get hungry.  Be sure to take advantage of the delicious tiny morsels of Dippin’ Dots, Noble Roman’s Pizza and Steve’s Sausage you get to wait in line an hour for.  Don’t bother with the great restaurants mere steps away (e.g. Peabody) -- you only have eight hours each day to see the five people you made appointments with!

3)  Hotel Porn

If the person that handles expense accounts is an old woman unwilling to talk about sex (or just stupid) then take advantage of the many movie choices offered by your hotel.  “Secretary Sluts Five,” “Asian Delights” or even “Sex Wars Episode Two: Boning the Clones” will be sure to get the job done.  If your employer has the nerve to ask you about buying beat material tell them to simply look at the receipt.  All it says is “movie.”  What are they going to do about it?  Fire you?

2)  Indoor SCAD Tower: Not a Good Idea

This is pretty self explanatory.  The SCAD tower set up inside drops you into a net.  The same net the company forgot to set up for one child.  Simply put, don’t ride it.  This is also something to think about when considering attractions for your park.

1)  Drink Heavily

It is called an expense account for a reason, so use the damn thing.  Don’t be afraid to buy a drink for that pretty lady at the bar who might be a hooker. It is easy to hide $20 in drinks and even easier to feed a dead prostitute to Shamu.  Go for it!  After all, you’re on vacation.

--FMB

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Old Town Opens Shakira

To battle the new Busch Gardens Tampa investment SheiKra, Old Town in Kissimmee, Florida has promised Shakira for the 2005 season. PR Director Steve Stern said, “Sure that park has a multi-million dollar investment, but we have Shakira.”

For hours worthless enthusiast boards buzzed about what the new attraction could be. Was it a hyper coaster? Was it a gigantic flume? Was it a Vegas-style revue featuring the ass-shaking singer herself?

“We looked at every exciting ride on the market today and bought a Vekoma SLC,” said Stern. “It will be there ‘Whenever, Wherever,’ get it, just like her song. Jesus, I'm clever.”

Walking with Stern we saw where Old Town plans to put the new ride. We also asked some locals about their thoughts on naming a ride after the two-hit wonder. Most had never heard of the singer, but one enthusiastic man in a Florida Coaster Club t-shirt lit up when her name was mentioned.

“Yeah, I LOVE Shakira,” said 28 year-old Timothy Stubbins of Tampa. “I pleasured myself to that song of hers during Robb Alvey’s coaster video,” the disturbing man continued.

This reporter encourages all IAAPA attendees to get down to Old Town ASAP so they can get “underneath the restraints” of the new coaster.

Shakira could not be reached for comment.

--FMB

Friday, November 05, 2004

Paramount Official: "Actually, Combovers Do Make Our Decisions"

Late today a Paramount Parks insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity, revealed that, contrary to popular belief, most major corporate decisions are, in fact, made by the combovers of staff members and prominent guests.

Our exclusive source has revealed that not only was the decision to remove the Flying Eagles at Paramount's Kings Island influenced by long flaps of hair wiggling in the wind, but also the decisions to build Boomerang Bay at Paramount's Great America and Tomb Raider at Paramount Canada's Wonderland.

"We wanted to find something to help us make the most hideous decisions possible," our informant told us during a secret meeting at a top secret ARN&R branch news office located in Lebanon, Ohio. "The most disgusting fashion phenomenon since the ACE muumuu was clearly the perfect choice. Scientific research shows that guest feedback from our survey panel can be plotted directly onto a balding man's head, and the best decision to make will be the data points that remain covered during a particularly rough ride on PKD's Hypersonic XLC."

The controversial decision to move PKI's Flying Eagles was, apparently, made due to a question asked of the balding head of the webmaster of a popular roller coaster website.

"I understand that Cedar Fair is working on a similar system to make decisions at Cedar Point," our source went on to tell us. "Their system, though, relies on the elasticity of Dan Keller's suspenders. They're trying out the new system to determine which direction their new Huss Giant Frisbee should rotate. Oh, I wasn't supposed to tell you about that."

Nobody at Cedar Point was willing to comment, but Dan Keller's suspenders informed the ARN&R research team that Six Flags is also working on a similar system based upon where the bloody, mangled bodies tossed from Kingda Ka land. The Six Flags system is due to be implemented shortly after the first fatality on the new record-breaking ride, which is expected sometime the first week of May, 2005.

Kingda Ka may open in April, 2005.

--WCT (with special reporting by PD)

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Sweet, Sticky Dreams

Steve Hallinski had a problem. Well, to most people, he has several problems, but Hallinski doesn't consider "backne" or a penchant for Dirty Sanchezes things to take issue with. No, the recent trouble was that the ACEr didn't know how he would split his time at the "ACE Lost Weekend in Las Vegas." The issue was simple: Hallinski loves to ride coasters (he owns a "We Ride All Year Shirt" despite not being a member of the Florida Coaster Club), but he also likes to eat.

"The buffets call to me like sweet sirens of love," the fat man sighed. "I didn't know how I would be able to ride without them." Fortunately for members like Hallinski, ACE created a new solution just in time for the event.

"We call it the ACE Feedbag," said ACE Queen of Thunder Carole Sanderson. "They are cute and personalized. You can sew patches on, put your Disney pin collection on the side or even give it a mullet. I call mine Mr. Twinkles."

When the big day in Vegas came Hallinski was ready. At seven in the morning he had Cocoa Puffs and milk strapped into the bag while rolling back and forth on the Stratosphere's X-Scream attraction. The plump enthusiast had chosen to decorate his feedbag with patches of Kennyood's Phantom's Revenge because the logo was just "that f*cking cool." When talking about the Vegas event, Hallinski said the following with reverence: "There is nothing like looking out over the Vegas strip as sweet chocolaty goodness sloshes around in your mouth." Wiping back a tear he continued, "It is a beautiful thing, I owe Jesus one."

--FMB

Monday, November 01, 2004

Welcome to Hell

Yaaaaaaiiiikes!!!!!

Just in case you didn't get a good enough scare on Halloween this year, we strongly urge you to visit our Site O' the Weak, Boils the Clown's Fun House. Be sure to crank the volume and sit through the entirety of the perhaps most garish, Flash-crazed, obnoxious intro ever devised for a website. And then, if you haven't suffered a violent seizure, have a gander at the main page...if there were a monetary prize awarded for having the most annoying flashing gizmos, unnecessary sounds, animated cursors, and eye-searing color combinations, Boils would not only win hands down, but would likely have the award named after him, as well. And don't forget to waste a few precious moments of your life playing the site's games and riding its rides, all of which suck worse than you could possibly imagine.

Incidentally, studies have shown that viewing Boils the Clown's Fun House directly can actually cause retinal scarring, so we have found that it is best to treat the site as one would a solar eclipse...view it only indirectly, using incredibly expensive NASA-approved Mylar or aluminum-coasted safety goggles, or, as a cheaper alternative, projecting the images through a pinhole onto a sheet of paper.

--JCK

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Irritation: A Comparative Study

Irritation. It's an emotion we commonly experience, both when we read grammatically suspect Coasterbuzz posts and when we go about our daily lives. But what causes that unwelcome feeling to flare up the most violently? A day at a Six Flags park? Waiting in line at the supermarket? Or something else entirely? In the interest of science, ARN&R managed to coax one of its writers out of his home and persuaded him to visit several potentially obnoxious venues where he would be exposed to asinine, obnoxious, stupid, and annoying people in massive numbers. Below are his comments on each potentially irritating venue, in reverse order of how much being at each one pissed the hell out of him:

5. Metallica Concert

Fears of having every possible human bodily fluid falling, dripping or violently projecting itself upon me by other audience members were not realized. Expected to be trapped in group of moshers or between combatants in fistfight, but proved not to happen. Expected the absolute dregs of human evolution to be in attendance, but generally this was not the case at all. Only major issues: the fat lady with the greasy hair next to me who kept singing loud and out of tune and with wrong lyrics; tremendous amounts of smoking in blatant disregard for city ordinances (which would have been forgivable depending on whether the smoke had given me a contact buzz, but, disappointingly, was almost entirely of the Marlboro variety); and large groups of fans leaving for a beer or sitting down when Metallica performed Creeping Death or The Four Horsemen immediately after jumping around and screaming for anything written since the Black Album. Mildly vexing for sure, but, all things considered, a far better experience with throngs of humanity than expected. Shockingly, this venue definitely had the fewest assholes of any of those sampled.

4. Orchestra Concert

You'd think going to the symphony would give you some respite from all the jackasses running around the streets these days. But apparently my refuge and temple, my sanctuary from having to deal with the unwashed Plebeians, my place to experience works of culture, has been invaded by the barbarian hordes. During a single concert, I was assailed by not less than seven old ladies slowly crinkling and unwrapping hard candies, taking over three excruciating minutes each time; four screeching babies who should not have been allowed in the hall in the first place, should have been immediately taken outside even if the parents were rude enough to bring them in the first place, and which, incidentally, were obviously being stabbed with sewing needles by their parents in order to maintain that sort of volume and length of ear-piercing obnoxiousness; two people allowing cell phones to ring, then picking them up, and then carrying on full-voiced conversations for several minutes; as many as a dozen dickheads in our section alone talking with each other in voices loud enough to drown out the music from the stage; and a group of sixteen that came in twenty minutes late being allowed and helped by the ushers to plow past us on the way to their seats, distracting me from a particularly favorite moment in one piece. What was this, a f*cking football game?

3. Grocery Store

Eight different screaming, filthy children crashed into me at one point or another. Was checking overpriced item in aisle at same time as someone else was checking something else directly across from me. This old lady came up and saw the aisle blocked, and instead of waiting three seconds as I very obviously started to nicely move my cart out of the way, she rammed as hard as she could into my shins with her cart two or three times and didn't even claim to be sorry. Bitch. And then I got to wait in a line to pay. Of course, since it was Saturday afternoon, and everyone in the free world was here specifically to annoy me, we had exactly one cashier and no one bagging groceries. After about three hours, was driven completely insane by woman in front of me, who waited until the entire six hundred items she had were rung up before asking to pay one third with her credit card (which she was then unable to run through the reader on her first fourteen tries), one third with a check drawn from the First National Bank of East Finland, and one third with pennies that she counted out one by one. She also waited until after all of this transpired to produce forty-five coupons, requiring everything to be done all over. All I have in my house is ketchup, tap water, and a seven-year-old can of Spam, but I'll happily live off that for the next month if it means I don't have to go back to this hellhole.

2. Movie Theater

The two seats my girlfriend and I occupied for a 9PM flick were obviously the only oasis available in a desert of stupid f*cks. We probably actually were able to both view and clearly hear approximately seven minutes of the entire movie. I see that movie theaters are not the place to come if you want to see movies. However, if you'd like to yell on your cell phone, run up and down the aisles, make drug deals, throw ice and popcorn at other people, and scream at the top of your voice to your little asshole friends all over the theater, then you'd probably have fun at Showcase North Haven. Although one can get a smug sense of satisfaction knowing that one has an IQ greater than every other cretin in this dump and their parents combined, it's actually not that much fun to be the civilization amongst the savages I'm never going to the movies again. My DVD player and TV may not be all that great, but at least I won't have to pay ten of my hard-earned dollars to watch films in the presence of the great unwashed scum of the Earth.

1. Visit to Six Flags New England

Good Lord, this place was full of assholes. No wonder I had a season pass and still only came here four times the whole season. Loved the teenagers fighting with each other who crashed into me. Shoved them off and they threatened to "get their boys and come f*ck me up." Charming. Six rednecks drinking bottles of malt liquor in line for Cyclone yelled disgusting things at young women and then tried to grab their asses. Two ACE members spotted me and followed me around for three hours, not taking hints that I hated them. Actively insulted them, and they still refused to leave me alone. Eventually I tired of their stupid top ten lists and general braying like donkeys about reride policies and their coaster button collections and told them I had to take a big shit. They followed me into bathroom anyway. Naturally I did not need to take a shit, but I entered stall and began making tremendous and disgusting farting and splatting sounds on my arm, encouraging them to think I was incredibly ill. After one hour of this, they finally realized their need for twenty rides on Superman was in jeopardy and left. Every coaster ride featured both a disgustingly muddy seat where some jerk stepped on it when getting out and a girl screaming as piercingly as possible in attempt to piss off other passengers during the ride itself. Line breaking occurred exactly 654 times during the day, generally right in front of security. More teenagers spat on people riding on T-bolt below their hang-out spot on the ride's exit ramp. Smoking occurred in line exactly 436 times without comment from nearby security guards. More teenagers threw rocks from roller coaster while in motion. Security promised to "look into it." Kids splashed in mud puddles trying to soil everyone else nearby. Parents of kids laughed merrily instead of beating the shit out of them as they deserved. Single train operation on all rides increased exposure to loud, smoking, line-cutting assholes to extraordinary lengths of time. Halfway through day, told self "oh, f*ck this. I'm going home."

We have a winner. I have never been this irritated in my entire life. Not even when I see George Bush on TV.


--JCK

[Editor's Note: The original posting of this story unfortunately implied that JCK's girlfriend was incredibly fat ("...the two seats my girlfriend occupied..."). The author, of course, meant to say "the two seats my girlfriend and I occupied..." The author also wishes to state, for the record, out of fear of having his ass kicked by said girlfriend, that said girlfriend actually is quite tiny and occupies approximately one third of one seat, not two full ones. We extend our thanks to an alert reader who made us aware of this error, and therefore assisted the author in averting a potential ass-whupping.]

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Enthusiast Harasses Tourist Bureau

With the news of the demise of the popular “flyers” ride at Paramount’s King’s Island, reaction ranging from outrage, to tears, to bed wetting permeated the enthusiast community. Many coaster enthusiasts were moved to pick their large rear ends off the couch to call the park and beg and plead for the flyers to stay for that outside chance that their parents might drive them across 5 states to the park to ride an attraction that is available at many local parks. While most of these calls were met with stiff resistance (and gut-busting laughter) one enthusiast managed to draw the ire of an entire country.

Ken Myers has been banned from traveling to the country of Australia after incessantly calling the “King Island” tourism department, located in Tasmania, Australia. According to reports from the beleaguered tourism officials, Myers’ original call was very confusing to the clerk who had the misfortune of answering the phone.

After informing Mr. Myers that she had no idea what “flyers” were, and that this was the King Island tourism center, Linda Biron tried to deal with the situation amicably.

“Mr. Myers became enraged, screaming about BRD, or ERP, something like that. Maybe it was ERT. He kept saying he deserved extra time to ‘ride the flyers’ because of his impressive ‘track record’. I told him my boyfriend also has an impressive ‘track record’ to try and get this creep off my phone and this seemed to calm him down. But he seemed to take an odd interest in my boyfriend when I said that, and asked just how long his ‘track record’ was. At that point, I hung up on him and reported the incident to my manager.”

The King Island tourism center received no less than eight calls from Mr. Myers. According to reports, Mr. Myers became more and more belligerent with every call, threatening boycotts, vandalism and even “nasty messages on Coasterbuzz, whatever the hell that means” according to another clerk, Mr. Ted Gorfy. After the eighth call, the issue was brought up to Australian Police, as this was an international call. Mr. Myers was warned to stop calling under penalty of International Law, to never visit the country of Australia, and to possibly “get a life.”

Mr. Myers was unavailable for comment, but his mother had this to say: “All I have to say is he better get off that damnable internet and work some more hours at the convenience store to help pay this phone bill! Between the eating and now this, his father and I are about ready to kick him out of the house. It has been 32 years you know. On second thought, maybe just the eating is enough …”

--BS

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Great Escape Continues Renovations to Comet

According to a Great Escape official, the theme park will continue its well-thought-out updating of the legendary Comet roller coaster this offseason.

The partial reprofiling of the wood classic in 2004 was already a tremendous success, according to park reps, which makes the completion of the job all the more important.

"This ride has been a burr in our collective anus for years," said park spokesman Jack Lloyd. "That smooth ride, the incredible sustained speed, the incredible bounty of glorious airtime, the odd little laterals and dips...what a blight on the Great Escape landscape. So we started to fix it, naturally using the great know-how and expertise of Six Flags Corporate, which is a group that really knows how to take tender loving care of a woodie."

Lloyd noted that the reprofiling carried out thus far had encompassed most of the first outward leg of the Comet. Where before there were "pesky bunny hops" and "fun," now the Comet pretty much drops about thirty feet into a straight run of track that turns a corner into the return leg. "It's way more betterer this way," clarified Lloyd.

Lloyd indicated that the full reprofiling of the coaster would take place over this offseason, after which delighted patrons could look forward to experiencing a wood coaster that goes about eight miles per hour twice around a completely flat oval with no bunny hills or significant drops whatsoever.

Great Escape has not announced when the planned anal probes are scheduled to be added to the Comet trains.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Don't forget; ARN&R reported years ago on the direction Great Escape would take upon its purchase by Six Flags. Don't say we didn't warn you.]
First U.S. Installation of Screaming Squirrel Announced

An innovative S&S/Arrow family coaster will make its U. S. amusement park debut in Spring, 2005. The Screaming Squirrel, a production-model wild mouse-style ride where cars actually dive completely upside down, has previously only existed at the S&S facility in Logan, Utah, but that will change with the opening of a new installation of the compact ride at New Jersey's Bowcraft Amusement Park. Although Bowcraft is already home to a small Dragon model of junior coaster, the park has high hopes that being home to the unusual new Squirrel coaster will both bring the coveted coaster enthusiast demographic, as well as even more local guests, to its gates.

Although the Screaming Squirrel is available from S&S as a standard model, Bowcraft has decided to make its version stand out from potential copycats with extensive theming. According to park sources, park guests will approach the ride through a pine forest loaded with 6000 live and ominously chattering squirrels, which may or not pelt people on the head with acorns. Small groups of riders will next enter a preshow room where they will be subject to a simulated attack from vicious flesh-eating squirrels.

Following this simulated attack, riders board the unique four-person vehicles. Adding to the atmosphere, ride operators will wear realistic and comfortably warm squirrel fur outfits. During the ride's course of several dives and vertical switchbacks, the extensive theming continues with realistic and sudden attacks at random intervals by killer squirrels. The combination of a roller coaster ride, added to the utterly lifelike and terrifying squirrel attacks, is expected, in the words of a Bowcraft rep, to "make grown men squeal like pigs at the very sight of a common grey squirrel for the remainder of their pathetic natural lives."

The new ride will feature an advertising campaign based on the following slogan: "Bust Your Nut on the Screaming Squirrel!"

--JCK (with assistance from FMB)

Sunday, October 24, 2004

X Already Dreading Solace Aftermath

In an exclusive ARN&R interview, X, the controversial "4D" coaster at Magic Mountain, confided that he's already dreading a post-Solace Magic Mountain event that will likely involve ERT for "those fat bastards."

"Life!  Don't talk to me about life," the famously unreliable coaster reported, "Do you know how many times a day I'm vomited on?  No, of course you don't.  Why would you care about what I go through?  You just want to sit your fat, human body on my aching structure and ride me.  No one cares what I go through.  No one cares about the incredible ache down my rear structural support ever since the last ERT."

"1,547.  What?  You don't know what that means?  Of course you don't. That's the number of times I've been vomited on.  Not that you care."

"I've been peed on 36 times as well," the manically depressed coaster added, "Oh, is that too much information?  Well pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it.  God, I'm depressed."

"It's hard enough running the two or three days a week that I bother.  At least half the load on my poorly built frame is kids and teenagers.  But enthusiast ERT, my God!  Every time I think the fattest person in the world has crammed into my restraints, another one sits down.  What are these people so enthusiastic about anyway?  Roller coasters or pork chops?"

"Oh great.  I bet enthusiasts are going to hate me for saying that now.   That's okay.  Everyone hates me.  People that ride me hate me for having a four-hour line.  People that can't ride me hate me for being closed. Magic Mountain hates me for being so expensive to maintain.  Arrow hated me for being so expensive to build and for pushing them into bankruptcy, like it was my fault they planned for the future as well as Milli Vanilli.  Even other coasters hate me.  None of them want to talk to me.  Top Thrill Dragster used to speak to me when everyone hated him, but now he won't even return my calls.  If you just ignore me I expect I shall probably go away."

At this point, X concluded the interview by breaking down.

--MOS (with just a touch of input from Douglas Adams [R.I.P. Douglas])

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Six Flags Plots New Strategy

OKLAHOMA CITY -- Six Flags Inc (NYSE: PKS) will be overhauling its parks for 2005, stated chairman Kieran E. Burke yesterday at a meeting of stockholders.

"These are desperate times in America, and they require desperate actions on the part of forward-thinking management," he said.

Faced with sagging profits and dwindling attendance, the world's largest regional theme park operator has blamed everything from weather to terror threats for its lackluster performance. But Burke said that he had finally identified the true cause.

"I finally walked through one of our jewels, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. I must admit, it was a hole," he said shamefully. "The food was overpriced and unappealing, the rides were either broken down or had ridiculously long lines, there was trash everywhere on the midway and the bathrooms hadn't been cleaned since the previous season."

Burke announced a three-step plan for turning the chain around. The first step, he said, was to "not deny the tradition that Six Flags has developed in its long proud tradition." Customers, he said, flock to their parks for the unique Six Flags experience. "Rather than run from our guests' expectation, I intend to meet them head on."

Beginning in 2005, all rides will operate for only 15 minutes per day before the parks close. "This will ensure that our guests no longer have to fear rides constantly breaking down due to poor maintenance. With such a brief operating schedule, our crews will be able to keep the rides in top condition."

This practice will also turn a former deficit into an asset. "Long lines will no longer be a problem, since the rides will not be running." This will also allow the chain to cut its maintenance staff in half.

The second initiative is regarding the food service at the park. "We will turn to the masters of food service in the world, the United States Military. We have contracted with them for 2005 to provide MREs at all our parks. Our guests will enjoy the same quality food that our valued soldiers and Marines do." The advantage of this, Burke claimed, is consistency. It also will help instill patriotism in the guests, reminding them of the sacrifices our troops are making overseas.

The final change that Burke announced was in regard to the park's cleanliness. The challenge, he said, is the difficulty in finding low-wage workers who want to engage in the dirtiest jobs at the parks. So he plans to eliminate all of the park's restroom and waste reclamation facilities, along with most of the custodians.

"When I saw all the trash on the ground at Kentucky Kingdom, I realized that this was a potential gold mine waiting to be exploited." Rather than force guests to walk a few feet to throw their trash into a refuse container, Burke will encourage that guests throw their trash, and especially their food, directly onto the ground.

"We are purchasing 1500 roto-tillers, which will be used to mix the trash, which after all is fertilizer, directly into the ground throughout the day. This will not only help to nourish the thousands of dying plants in our parks, but also create much more of a quaint country fair atmosphere. It will also eliminate the costly maintenance of thousands of tons of poured concrete walkways."

Burke's novel solution to the challenge of maintaining restroom facilities follows the same idea. "Our parks are famous for their forested areas, but many of our guests never see the abundance of shade we provide. So our most-used park facility will be a deep hole in the forest serving as the park's lavatory, which will encourage our guests to commune with nature."

At the end of each day, the hole will be bulldozed and a new one dug out. "I did this all the time at home for my dog, just on a much smaller scale. If it's good enough for my dog, it's certainly good enough for Six Flags guests."

Burke is confident that his strategy will work. "We expect profits to grow by 75 percent next year, barring any more natural disasters or terrorist attacks. Or, you know, any weather that is not sunny and 72 degrees."

--JRD

Monday, October 18, 2004

It's a Threepeat!

Our good buddy NoGodForMe is on quite a roll lately. What with his disgusting anti-Jewish rants and his webpage describing how to test yourself at home to see whether you will fit into a Millennium Force or not, he's become a regular and deserving target of mockery in our Site O' the Weak feature.

Well, it ain't over yet. Behold another of his glorious webpages, Directions to Publix From the HRH, which luridly details, well, directions to Publix from Universal's Hard Rock Hotel. Apparently someone has loads of spare time to painstakingly document this important information. Not that anyone asked, but thanks for sharing.

Yep, that sets a new record, folks. NoGodForMe has achieved the first ARN&R Site O' the Weak Threepeat. We bow in total awe of NoGodForMe's level of suck.

--JCK

Friday, October 15, 2004

Back to the Future

We noticed today that Six Flags has blamed the weather for bad performance for roughly the 453rd time, and it brought us back, over two years ago, to when Paramount blamed a really good run of Rockford Files episodes on TV Land for its lowered quarterly results.

So step into the ARN&R time machine and enjoy...

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Monkeys Carry Out Retribution

The scene was startling as coaster enthusiast Meredith Maxwell, 32, was recently chased about by angry monkeys at Lake Bobo Zoo in Tennessee. After the agile apes pursued Maxwell for several minutes, they caught up to her, hopped on her shoulders, hooted loudly, bared their teeth, and demanded a "full apology for Maxwell's insulting and degrading comments."


Monkeys Launch Their Surprise Attack

Apparently the Tennessee monkeys were attempting to enact vengeance for comments Maxwell made about their "simian brethren" at Busch Gardens Tampa three years ago. At a visit to BGT with her then-boyfriend, Maxwell allegedly noticed that the baboons in the Edge of Africa exhibit were busily picking nits from each other's back.

"Baby, look! Those monkeys are felching!" she reportedly told the stunned boyfriend, who promptly fell onto the park's pavement, laughing hysterically. To the boyfriend's delight, Maxwell continued to loudly insist that "felching" meant "picking nits," stunning both nearby park visitors and the baboons themselves.

The BGT baboons reportedly have never recovered from what they describe as Maxwell's "cruel and crude assumptions about the level of perversity involved in our sexual relationships." They further claim that "her accusations about the type of sexual practices we have was of course incorrect, but many park patrons continue to think we are deviants due solely to this woman's thinking 'felch' meant something besides what it actually means."

After being held hostage for several minutes, Maxwell arranged for her release by signing an apology for her accidentally harmful comments about the BGT baboons, and by providing a cookie to each of the Lake Bobo monkeys.


Human's Peace Overture to Monkey Accepted, Diffusing Situation

Zoo officials report that the monkeys would be sent to bed without their bananas for three straight nights as punishment for attacking a zoo guest.

--JCK

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

ARN&R Writers Too Busy Having Actual Lives to Report on Everything

Recently, a mentally deranged coaster enthusiast accused ARN&R of failing to report on a number of topics of interest to him:

These guys claim to be reliable but can't even pick up on recent park news.

Who are we to believe anymore?

Missed topics,
Xanadu
PKI Flyer Removal and the campaign to save it.
IAAPA announcements.
HW additions
PPP
Tsunami.

These guys suck, Boycott them.


Naturally, we take this kind of criticism very, very, very seriously. Of course, we apologize that paying attention to world events, maintaining healthy relationships with our families and friends, engaging in romantic activities with other people instead of our fists, and having jobs doesn't always enable us to keep on top of pressing and extremely important events in the world of amusement parks in our spare time.

However, we might as well address the specific topics Coasterfanatic claims we haven't reported on, as his tragic Flyer-less future has apparently made him even more delusional than usual.

PKI Flyer Removal and Useless Campaign to Save It: Check out the current headlines. You've been insulted already.

HW Additions: Um. Here it is.

PPP: Um. Right here.

Xanadu: Well, it's true that we haven't mentioned the stupid thing that will never actually be built in the Meadowlands. But one cannot dispute that we did extensively discuss Xanadu recently.

IAAPA: It's in November, at least the last time we checked.

Tsunami: Ooooh. We missed it. Call Mayor McCheese. Tsunami was amazingly rough and gave us a big headache. Sorry we didn't get around to reporting that scrumptious and amusing tidbit!

Coasterfanatic failed to mention that we also haven't been writing much lately about freakish enthusiasts falling into the PKI reflecting pool while fighting over who snaps their flyers better, but rest assured we'll get on it right away, too.

--The Staff

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Exclusive PPP Coverage

Just in time for you to use it at your corporate board meetings, our exclusive PPP PowerPoint presentation is available here.

Enjoy.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Addendum

We've received dozens of irate letters from people upset that our extensive and exclusive coverage of the Six Flags Great Adventure Fright Fest neglected to even so much as mention one of the main attractions. Circus Psycho, where the "Boardwalk section will be filled with carnival chaos, psycho freaks and demented clowns lurking around every corner," was not discussed in the article due to the fact that the situation described above is absolutely no different from what is seen in SFGRAD's Boardwalk section on any normal operating day. It was our intention to describe new attractions opened specifically for Fright Fest, not shill for a cheap renaming done in a blatant attempt to capitalize on the freakish and horrifying appearance of the park's clientele. Nevertheless, we apologize for the confusion this omission caused.

--JCK

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Fright Fest a Huge Hit at Six Flags Great Adventure

Given that Six Flags Great Adventure has recently been under fire over its choice of name for its new roller coaster, the park could only hope that its good name could be reclaimed with a successful Halloween celebration. With Fright Fest drawing in eager throngs, it's mission accomplished. ARN&R was recently able to experience the themed October festivities at SFGRAD, and presents this exclusive report on what guests can expect.

Hypnosteria is a fun-filled adventure for the whole family. In it, master illusionists moonlighting from their Quick Stop day jobs hypnotize crowds of eager guests into thinking that they have not been ripped off despite paying full price and finding half the rides closed and none of the bathrooms cleaned in the past three weeks. Note: this is not an optional attraction. All guests must experience Hypnosteria immediately after passing through security.

Dead Man's Party is an unusual attraction where a group of guests are wined and dined at a fete thrown by William Blake, the character portrayed by Johnny Depp in the film Dead Man. Like the movie, this attraction is designed to confuse and bore audience members. Any relationship between the attraction and Halloween was not fully explained in the promotional literature distributed by the park at the entrance gate.

Monster of Mock is a rather frightening show where a Ritz Cracker representative spends twenty minutes showing guests how to create a Mock Apple Pie using no actual apples.

Super Spooky Dolphin Show features aquatic creatures in their natural environment, except, in celebration of Halloween, they have been filled with the spirit of Satan and turned into blood-crazed demon-beasts. It is a remarkable sight indeed to see Spooky Dolphins, our cuddly friends of the sea, leaping out of their tank, doing back flips, waving their tails at the audience, and then dragging three or four children into the tank to devour. Guests are advised to avoid the first several rows, as the likelihood of being ripped limb from limb, or of getting bloody water all over their clothes from all the splashing, is much reduced. Most dolphin and whale show areas in theme parks have signs that say "You WILL Get Wet" for certain areas; this exhibit has signs that say "You WILL Get Eaten."

Finally, the exciting-sounding Ghoul Repellent, assumed to be a thrilling haunted house or trail, turns out only to be a special charm children can wear to ward off coaster enthusiasts attending the event. Disappointing.

More information about all these exciting attractions can be found at the Six Flags Great Adventure website.

--JCK

Friday, October 08, 2004

Heimo Sued by Wicked Pictures Star

German Animatronic company Heimo recently received a lawsuit from Wicked Pictures. The adult film company’s star Woody Ruffwood said the amusement park company has stolen his image and name for their new "Woody Ruffwood, the Talking Tree" concept.

"It would have been fine if I could get some royalties or something, but this is ridiculous," moaned Ruffwood. "I plug women for hours on end and this is the respect I get. What is this world coming to?"

Paulaner Franziskaner, Heimo’s PR Director, said he didn’t know what the confusion was about. He commented, "Ve don’t know why Herr Ruffwood has such a hard-on for our tree. It is just a piece of wood that makes people happy."

The object in question is Heimo’s new Woody Ruffwood attraction, a freestanding animatronic object that includes woodpeckers, beavers and owls with hooters that many swear are direct from nature.


Harmless Squirming Log or Shameless Ripoff of Porn Star's Good Name?

The professional plunger says the similarities are obvious. "Look at his nose; it hooks to the left, just like me. In addition, he can go for hours without stopping. I don’t know if he had that nasty case of crabs a few years ago, but it wouldn’t surprise me."

Despite the problems, Heimo has refused to take the tree off the market. Franziskaner commented that the company will "stand hard and firm" against the "laughable allegations."

--FMB
Utter Prick, or Complete Asshole?

That's the question of the day as we alert you to our Site O' the Weak. It refers specifically to the poster NoGodForMe (AKA Robert Viands), who takes a forum topic about a lawsuit involving Six Flags New England and goes on three separate racist tirades where he extensively details his hatred of Jews, and rips into women and Pakistanis while he's at it. He even specifically calls a Jewish poster on the forum some offensive things we don't find it necessary to repeat here. Perhaps a long day of drinking and attending Klan rallies prevented him from spewing more of his oral diarrhea about how much he hates any other people different from him.

Although there has been a fair amount of activity on the topic from people trashing this Neanderthal's worthless posts, we're a little surprised that there hasn't been more. Do you coaster enthusiasts actually tolerate this sort of racist filth? Between this guy and Psycho Loser Stalker Boy, the coaster enthusiast community is sure looking real good right now!

Just because inbred, sub-moronic rednecks have a delusional opinion doesn't mean it needs to be shared with civilized society. Keep the asinine racist and anti-Semitic comments to yourself and go f*ck some more goats and swine.

--The Staff

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Holiday World's Plans Exposed

Holiday World today announced a large expansion of its Splashin' Safari water park, as well as a new flat ride and a second train on its acclaimed Raven roller coaster.

ARN&R, however, has learned the truth behind the park's plans, having acquired a confidential memorandum from Will Koch, head of the park, to employees. Its text is reproduced here exclusively:

TO: Staff
FR: Will Koch
RE: Rebranding the Park

You have all now received a copy of our press release announcing the significant expansion of the water park with our new wave pool called "Bahari," the new "Revolution" flat ride, and the second train on Raven. This memorandum provides you with further information about how this fits into my ultimate goal of the park being acquired and rebranded as "Six Flags Over That Empty Part Of Indiana."

In order to properly impress Six Flags corporate into purchasing the park, please note the following:

- We will consistently be running the second train on Raven, but the second train will at all times be completely empty.

- Although the water park is nearly doubling in size, we will be reducing our employee count in that area by 20% and throw away half of our tubes.

- The new flat ride will be inoperable for 75% of the time with no signage or explanation.

- Our popular "free soda" program will henceforth be limited to one two-ounce cup per day and will only include "Squirt" brand soda.

- Our popular "free sunscreen" program will provide only SPF 3 sunscreen. Additional sunscreen will cost $5 for a one-ounce bottle.

- We will immediately spend millions on an ad campaign featuring a freakish old person insisting that the park is fun while not actually doing anything to make it so.

I thank you for your cooperation in this exciting time.

I remain, very truly yours,

Will "Mr. Six" Koch
Coaster Enthusiast Photoshops New Girlfriend's Face Over Old Girlfriend's Body on Fan Website

Dan Rosenberg has finally agreed to talk to ARN&R about the drastic changes to, and subsequent removal of, his coaster fan website, coasterjunkie.net, last week.  As many coaster web crawlers are already aware, coasterjunkie.net disappeared last week after the site was widely linked and ridiculed for some evident changes made to all the photos on the site.

"I didn't think it was going to be a big deal."  Rosenberg said in an exclusive ARN&R interview, "I mean, Sarah [Rosenberg's new girlfriend] was really getting on my ass about having all these photos of Cheryl [his old girlfriend] on my website.  She said it was "a shrine to Cheryl" or something like that.  I figured if I did this, I could get Sarah off my ass without destroying my website.  Because, I mean, pictures with Cheryl in them are like 75% of my photos."


2 of the over 400 photos Rosenberg (pictured above) "altered"

"To be honest, I didn't think anyone would actually notice.  Up until last week, I thought I was pretty good with Photoshop," continued Rosenberg.

"Well, apparently...I'm not."

Having been ridiculed extensively and widely over the internet, Rosenberg is now unclear about the future of coasterjunkie.net.

"I'm thinking of getting a new hobby," Rosenberg said when asked about his future.  "Like maybe Star Trek fan fiction, or collecting coin-operated video arcade games.  It's become clear to me I should get a new obsession with every new girlfriend."

--MOS

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

It's Official: Kingda Ka Finally Receives Name Change

Following four days of intense discussions, the staff of Six Flags Great Adventure, along with several members of the Six Flags corporate offices, finally emerged, filthy, unshaven, and smelling like goats coated with used diapers, to announce the new name for the under-construction coaster formerly and controversially known as Kingda Ka. The name change was brought on by the discovery that many groups found the original name highly offensive, but what was to have been a quick meeting to determine a new moniker had become a marathon negotiation, as the Six Flags officials debated and discarded numerous possibilities, from King Caca to Kunta Kente.

At an official press conference, Six Flags Great Adventure's Vice President of Literary Affairs Baron Chauncy Jeffers Choate Butterworth IX proudly unveiled a handsome crayon poster which displayed the new title and theme for the 2005 gigacoaster.

"The reign of Kingda Ka is over," said Butterworth. "Bow to your new master, Kubla Khan."

Butterworth then assumed a look of ecstasy, flipped to a dog-eared passage in his leather-bound poetry tome, curled his hand upward for emphasis, and whispered the following:

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure dome with caves of ice!

Butterworth then sighed and shivered all over in a vaguely orgasmic fashion.

Subtitled Or a Coaster in Six Flags Great Adventure. A Fragment, Kubla Khan remains a ride that will set records for coaster height, speed, and wait time. Additionally, the name of the ride will maintain the all-important alliteration the staff knew it would have to have in order for it to maintain any credibility. However, the addition of extensive new theming will mean the ride will also be the most expensive amusement park attraction ever devised, multiplying by a googolplex the original price estimate from Intamin.

"We aren't worried about the money as much as we were even a few days ago," noted Butterworth. "Since some coaster enthusiasts keep insisting that it's totally acceptable for us to charge patrons astounding amounts of money while failing to provide even the most basic levels of sanitation, service, or operational rides, and that anyone who holds a negative opinion of our park is an idiot, it's pretty obvious that 99% of enthusiasts are brain dead morons who will give us wads of moolah no matter what we do."

He continued: "We're actually planning to double our costs next year, not open a single ride, and allow the monkeys from the zoo to put any part of their body into any part of the patron's body anytime they want, just to see how much we can get away with before the stupid shits wise up. But that's neither here nor there."

Although money is apparently no longer an object, Butterworth noted that there were some challenges ahead for the creative team in charge of theming Kubla Khan. "Building a proper Xanadu for this ruling coaster is not going to be easy," he admitted. "The 'caverns measureless to man' and the 'twice five miles of fertile ground' are going to prove particularly difficult to build within the confines of property we actually own. And since Samuel Taylor Coleridge has been dead for a hundred and seventy years, we have only minimal hope of getting him to assist with the theming as a creative consultant. But I'm sure everything will work out fabulously by May."

"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately rocket coaster decree, bitches!" Butterworth concluded.

Six Flags officials refused to comment on whether, as has been rumored, their attempt to remain faithful to the Kubla Khan theme would mean that the new coaster would remain unfinished.

--JCK (Inspired by an idea from CSB)

Monday, October 04, 2004

Screamscape Contributor Files Suit Against Great Adventure Employee

Jason Knobler has filed a lawsuit against Carol Lipinski, an employee of the Dippin' Dots dessert stand. The complaint, filed yesterday, alleges that Lipinski "totally lied" about Six Flags Great Adventure's new coaster plans and, in fact, "totally made lots of shit up" during the course of the 2004 season.

Apparently, Knobler’s deal with the three-hundred-pound Lipinski was for "sexual services" at prearranged meetings during the months of July and August. At the end of each session, it was arranged that Lipinski would service Knobler back with a new piece of information about Great Adventure’s planned roller coaster for 2005, information that Knobler would send via his cell phone to Screamscape, hoping to break the story.

"I worked very, very hard for that information," said Knobler in a prepared statement, "and endured acts that would break most men. In the two months that I 'serviced' Ms. Lipinski, during those encounters, and their aftermath, I questioned my identity, my sanity, and my sexuality. And for what? She told me it was a 500 foot, B&M, inverted, launched coaster that went underwater. I want restitution!"

When contacted by ARN&R, Lipinski responded that she only told Knobler "what he wanted to hear." When asked about the lawsuit, Lipinski said she felt no ill will toward Knobler and, in fact, "wished he would call her sometime."

--MOS