Friday, September 30, 2005

Buck-Fifty Spent

No, ladies and gentlemen, the website for Go-Karts Plus Action Park is not a child's website design project that received a failing grade. It wasn't created back in 1995 by someone and forgotten. And it (probably) wasn't created by accident when chimps escaped the zoo and banged randomly on a computer in an internet cafe before being tranquilized.

Nope. This appears to be the actual, real site for an actual, real amusement center that is currently operating. Yikes.

Oh, we love all the spinning things. We love all the tender care that must have gone into building the site, all three or four minutes of it. And we sure love crappy spinning clip art, yes we do. Especially when the website draws attention to the crappy spinning clip art by thanking someone "for the 'cool' animations he has available for free" and claiming that "[w]ithout his 'stuff' our site would be a snooooooze!" And we also love that the website advertises that the management have the idea that someday they might offer some sort of web discount, but, just to clarify, they aren't doing it right now.

By the way, we also love lots of professional-looking swarms of exclamation points and scare quotes. IT'S ALIVE!!!

And hey, if 867,456,235 Visitors (and counting!) have seen this site, then it must be awesome.

In short, we think this is the best corporate website ever designed for a buck-fifty. That's why it's the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Enthusiast's Friend's Wife Knows a Little Too Much About Amusement Parks

According to local coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 33, he recently grew very suspicious of his friend's wife. The reason for this newfound suspicion was a conversation he had with the couple, Ricardo and Donna Neywitz, while staying at their house.

"Ricardo and I had just spent the whole day at Knoebels," reports James. "We came home and joined Donna for a glass of wine. Everything was normal at first; we talked mostly about the morons we all have to work with, and I asked them why they keep insisting, against all evidence and taste, that Roadhouse and Red Dawn are actually decent movies. The usual. But then, Donna started asking questions about Knoebels."

This was where, James asserted, things got "freaky."

"I sort of assumed Donna was just being polite and feigning interest so we'd be excited," said the enthusiast. "But then after the general questions about how the crowds were or did we have a good time, she asked if we'd managed to snap the cables on the Flyers. I think I actually spat some wine on myself."

And it only got more creepy from there, he notes. "The Flyers question was weird enough, but it got stranger! She asked how the airtime was on Phoenix, and said 'I hope you rode in the orange train's third seat, right?' And when we told her that Whirlwind had been removed, she said she had hated that coaster because it was 'such a damn headbanger.'"

James has apparently already alerted local authorities to the fact that Ricardo Neywitz's wife has obviously been abducted and replace by an alien or a deadly robot.

--JCK

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Role Playing a Failure

Tim and Amy Fitzsimmons have been married for five years and are looking to start a family soon. To spice up their love life, Amy recently suggested the couple engage in role playing. They agreed to trade off being responsible for each week's theme, choosing the week's concept as well as any necessary props.

Amy says that trial run went very well. "My idea was that Tim was a knight and I was the damsel trapped in the castle. He had on some naughty chain mail while I let my hair down and wore some revealing lingerie. It was some of the best sex we have had in some time," she blushed.

However, the highs reversed themselves when Tim took charge. "Oh yeah, I was ready!" he said confidently. "I knew I had to come through with something special. That's why I felt we should be the hot coaster operator and the enthusiast that wants space at his lap bar. I got her a Beast thong from some coaster site and a Mantis t-shirt I wore when I had my summer job at the Point. All I wore was a patch jacket. I thought it was going to be as hot as California Screamin's LSMs!"

Amy was not so amused. She said that an old t-shirt was not sexy and seeing Tim's gut push apart the vest made her dry up faster than a waterpark after Labor Day. "It just wasn't hot. We could have been lost in the woods, he could have been my pool boy Pepito, or we could have had a threesome with Tammy next door. Instead he chooses to pretend we're banging below a B&M coaster. That's great."

As of this printing Tim and Amy have done some further role playing but she has chosen all of the concepts. She mused that she might let him start choosing themes after Phun Phest, but even then they will have to be approved.

--FMB
Japan Trip Breaking News Recap, Part II

We continue here with our special limited edition collector's leather-bound presentation of the entire ACE/ECC Japan Trip breaking news. If you enjoy the collected headlines here, be sure to read the article directly below this one, which contains the remainder of the recap.

Ed. Note: Those fun-loving folks at the ECC have blocked all referrers. We really don't want them to have to do that, so we've changed the links below to those of the full report pages from the relevant days. ECC folks: we won't link direct to your pictures again, so you can unblock other referrers if you like.


Scandalous Photographic Evidence Comes to Light: Signature Move Not Done Back on Day Three

Richard Nixon Spotted During Browse of ACE/ECC Japan Trip Archives

ARN&R Writers and Editors Constantly Hit Refresh, Praying For Day 14 Pictures

Telly Savalas Replaced as Spokesman for Player With Yourself Club Card

ECC and ACE Members Now Keeping Track of Number of Times They Jack Off to POV Footage

Mysterious Odor Overwhelms Ride Attendants

"That's very funny. Now tell us why you really came all the way to Japan. Our viewers will never believe this 'roller coaster' business."

"What's this stuff all over the lap bar?"

Because Paying $5,000 For One Shithole Wasn't Enough

On Day Thirteen, Signature Move Interferes With Ride Restraint

The Spirit Of Ace, Part III

...And They're Strangely Painting The Stairway to Heaven

Nothing Like Traveling Halfway Around The World To Visit A Shithole

Day 12 And The Signature Move Is Still Going Strong

Who Would Have Thought Shoes Could Get That Worn Out With No Physical Exertion Besides Standing In Line?

Japanese Parks Learn From Six Flags Theming and Landscaping

Steel Dragon, Roped Into Group Picture, Tries to Pretend it Doesn't Know Enthusiasts

Buffet, Lacking Gravy, Sits Untouched

James Woods Falls Asleep On Japanese Coaster

Ratt's Drummer Enjoys New Look

Friendly Local Provides Enthusiast With Sign Reading "I Am A Huge Nerd."

Hulk Mad. Hulk Smash Japan.

"It's Day Eleven, And I'm Totally Committed To My Signature Move."

--The ARN&R Staff
Japan Trip Breaking News Recap

Due to the volume of fanatical support (well, three adoring emails and a girlfriend of one of our writers actually sort of chuckling, or perhaps involuntarily grimacing, at something on the site for once) we've received over our series of ACE/ECC Japan Trip breaking news reports, we've decided to take the unusual step of reproducing that entire series in more permanent form here at ARN&R. Although some of the Japan news will remain in rotation until replaced within the usual Breaking News section, those headlines will also be collected here in two parts for your pleasure through the rest of eternity.

Additionally, the Japan trip breaking news will also be made available in a breathtaking special limited-edition encyclopedia version, in three volumes handsomely bound in rich Corinthian leather and hand-signed by the ARN&R staff. Each set will sell for the low, low short-time offer of $1,345,222.03 per set, so hurry and get this amazing family heirloom while supplies last.

Ed. Note: Those fun-loving folks at the ECC have blocked all referrers. We really don't want them to have to do that, so we've changed the links below to those of the full report pages from the relevant days. ECC folks: we won't link direct to your pictures again, so you can unblock other referrers if you like.


Japanese Parkgoer Puzzled By Presumed American Custom Of Long White Socks With Dark Shoes

"OMG I'm In DDR Mecca!!"

A Sea of Tools

Japanese Park Installs Blinders In Effort To Protect Patrons From Sight of Enthusiasts

So Many Cameras, So Little Worth Photographing

Why Ride This at Wild Adventures When I Can Ride It In Japan?

This Credit Is So Worth $5,000

The Spirit of ACE, or We Travelled All the Way to Japan to Ride Your Kiddie Coasters

The Spirit of ACE Part II

ACErs Ask Buddha Statue For Directions To McDonald's

ACErs Curse Absence of Duran Duran, Metal Ballads on Japanese Radio

ACEr Spends Eighteen Dollars Calling Mom From Japan To Have Her Set VCR To Record Discovery Channel Special

Japanese Hotel Staff Puzzled By Volume Of Sweat, Other Excretions On Sheets

English-Speaking Enthusiasts Quickly Pick Up Japanese Words for "Tool," "Bad Smell," "Loser," and "Annoying" After Hearing Them Constantly During Trip

Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, Gamera, Ghidora, Mechagodzilla, Iron Chef Italian Lay Aside Differences, Launch Full-Scale Attack on Invading Coaster Enthusiasts

Japanese Scientists Report Unusual Increase in Seismic Activity This Week

In Unrelated News, ACE and ECC Arrive in Japan This Week

ACErs Arrive in Japan, God Sends Rain To Deter Them From Staying

In Related News, Japanese Authorities Report Pork Supplies Low

Godzilla Recoils in Terror at Sight of ACErs

Sushi Restaurant Rejects Request for Gravy

Japanese Kiddie Park Goers Puzzled By Wacky "Rowing" Motion While On Kiddie Coaster Lift Hill

Also By Presence Of Grown Adults On Kiddie Coaster

ACErs Refuse To Stop Singing Mr. Roboto

--The ARN&R Staff

Monday, September 26, 2005

Enthusiast Upset With Stronger Sail-Whipping Rules

Long a lover of the legendary Flyers flat ride, Roger Kratchof, 40, was stupified upon his recent visit to Knoebels Amusement Park. It had been two years since the enthusiast had visited the park, and new to him was the installed-during-late-2004 sign at the Flyers warning visitors: "Please Do Not Whip the Sails." This sign caused Kratchof considerable outrage.

"When did they put this crap here?" asked the befuddled man, who obviously hadn't seen all the enthusiast whining online when the sign first went up last year. "There's nothing wrong with whipping the sails. It's a perfectly normal part of the sexual experience."

"This new harsher regulation is a blatant attempt by Knoebels to stigmatize and ostracize those of us who have healthy experimental sex lives," he added. "But what's next at this place of intolerance, I ask you? First they take away whipping, next maybe they'll forbid dressing the Flyers in leather or pulling out the handcuffs . Then maybe they won't let you rub whipped cream and chocolate all over the ride and seductively lick it off."

"The no-whipping regulation is not at all an attempt by Knoebels to keep people from practicing whatever sexual activities they wish in the privacy of their own homes, or maybe in the campground as long as they aren't too loud," said Taylor McGuffin, a representative of the park who wished to remain nameless. "We simply felt that enthusiasts were unfairly exposing the Flyers to acts of bondage that could be physically harmful to this classic ride, as well as mildly freak out the poor children who were waiting in line."

"Cleaning up all the semen stains after those leather-clad enthusiasts whipped their sails was getting to be pretty disgusting, too," said McGuffin, who once again asked that his name not be divulged.

The park released a statement to the press that indicated that enthusiasts would still be allowed to role-play ("the deviant 380-pound German maid and the helpless underage pool-boy" was one suggestion), engage in foot fetishism, wear diapers, and talk dirty to the Flyers, but that the decision to ban whipping would not be reconsidered.

--JCK

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Editor's 250th Not as Bad as Originally Feared

Back in 2003, we reported on the tragic incident where an ARN&R editor foolishly managed to log the wretched pile of wildebeest turds Great Nor'easter as his 250th coaster. It has recently come to our attention that the editor was mistaken about where this terrible, terrible Vekoma ride actually stood on his chronological list.

"I forgot to count some junior coaster or something," he tells us now. "Years ago, like before I was really keeping track. But then I remembered it out of the blue last week when I was updating my count."

Apparently, the unrideably awful Great Nor'easter now turns out to be the editor's 251st ride, while the Flitzer at one of the Morey's Piers moves into the coveted and extra-special 250th position.

"It's still kind of crap, I guess," said the editor. "I mean, it's just a stupid little Flitzer. It's a little family ride that doesn't do much except smell overpoweringly like gas. But hey, at least it ain't a Vekoma Hang 'n' Bang, right?"

Stating that the ARN&R editor still passed up a perfectly acceptable chance to ride the excellent Great White for his 250th instead of his 249th, the American Coaster Enthusiast Brute Squad is thought to be actively pursuing this individual for questioning.

--JCK

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

It's About Time, Isn't It?

Yeah, we know. You've all been pining for a new Site O' the Weak, haven't you? Especially poor, pathetic Ed Alonzo, who has technically been up there for weeks. Well, Ed has had his day in the sun and it's time to move on.

And what could possibly be the choice as the Site O' the Weak makes its dramatic return? Why, it's the ECC/ACE Japan Trip Report Page, naturally. As you may be aware, our Breaking News has primarily consisted of mocking the photos within this very website for a good two weeks now. But we aren't ready for the fun to stop. First off, Site O' the Weak award. And, there is sure to be more coverage as the days go by.

We know, we're hopelessly addicted to this site. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Hey, at least we've made it that far. We'll worry about those other eleven pesky steps some other time!

--JCK

Monday, September 19, 2005

Conductor Punished for Annoyingly Stupid Joke

So I was walking around on the Upper East Side the other day, and this foreign couple comes up to me. They say, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" So I tell them- get this- "Practice!"

So went the "joke" that a guest conductor recently bequeathed upon the annoyed members of the New Britain Symphony Orchestra during a rehearsal last weekend. Although he still professes that the joke is hilarious, as evidenced by his open snickering and clutching at his spleen immediately after he told it, it has landed him in hot water. A judge at the New Britain Superior Court today found him guilty of first-degree gross irritation.

"That was the worst joke I've ever heard," said the Honorable Judge William H. Childers, the man who handed down the verdict. "It's so stupid I actually became physically ill when it was repeated in court. Those poor musicians; how they must have suffered."

In addition to the sheer fact that the joke sucked, the conductor was faced with the damning court testimony of seventeen orchestra members, all of whom claimed they had heard the joke from someone else, and thought it completely sucked shit, as long ago as fifteen years. This cast serious doubt as to whether the alleged incident had actually even occurred on the Upper East Side and had involved the defendant.

The conductor was sentenced to fourteen straight days in the back seat of nearby Lake Compounce's Zoomerang, a Vekoma Boomerang clone noted for its ability to inflict unspeakable pain and agony. Human rights organizations plan to protest the sentence as cruel and unusual punishment.

"It's too bad the Riverside Black Widow isn't still around," said one disappointed musician who just happened to be knowledgeable about roller coasters. "That would have been a much better punishment. But the Zoomerang will still put some decent stank on his ass."

--JCK

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Godzilla No Longer Worst-Mannered Being in Japan

ARN&R recently caught up with Godzilla, who was taking his summer vacation in Maui. We noted that he looked a little stressed and the large beast looked at us with his large reptilian eyes.

"Yeah, things have been bad lately," he sighed. "The economy hasn't recovered, the bullet trains aren't as clean as they used to be, and both ACE and the ECC visited Japan this summer. That was the icing on the cake, those guys are disgusting."


Godzilla in a contemplative moment

The groups, composed of the usual winners, set out to take over the "Land of the Rising Sun." The problem was that they were coaster enthusiasts, socially inept and unable to travel in a land without Motel 6's and Ryan's Steakhouses.

While Godzilla was unhappy with the destruction they wrought on his country, he was happy to be seen in such a positive new light. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed while sipping a Mai Tai. "I used to be the evil one. Now Godzilla is the shit. People see me as being well-mannered, intelligent and even thoughtful. When people this cool travel half-way around the world to ride a freakin' kiddie coaster you know that people are going to like me. Just the other day I dialed Mothra and he called them some classless f*ckers."

ACE Royal Chancellor Carole Sanderson said she wasn't sure why the enthusiasts got a bad rap. She commented, "Sure, we were annoying on the train and some of our...let's say inexperienced members did hit on the guide, but overall I think the Japanese came away with the impression that we were some very 'cool' people to hang out with. Yes, we drank a gallon of saiki at dinner and ate an entire tuna for each dinner, but don't all foreigners do that?"

While they could not be reached for comment, the Japanese "Office of the Good Commonwealth and Happiness" issued the following statement, "While we appreciate the A.C.E. and E.C.C. liking our roller coasters, we ask that they never return. The body odor, beard growth and unnecessary tank tops of the (mostly) white devils were disturbing. Please enjoy the wonderful theme parks in your respective home lands, such as Six Flags Astroworld and Flamingoland."

--FMB
Enthusiast's Girlfriend Taunts Enthusiast Community

The worldwide amusement park enthusiast community reacted with shock and dismay today upon reading a taunting memo posted by the girlfriend of one of their own. The memo, entitled "I Have Been On More Classic Amusement Park Rides Than Some of You Losers," was sent by UPS to the offices (or rusted-out derelict outhouses) of every coaster and amusement park enthusiast organization in the world, as well as posted on numerous influential enthusiast message boards. Within hours, nearly every coaster, dark ride, and turnstile enthusiast had witnessed the scathing missive.

"I'm a little overwhelmed by this incident," said confused coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 33, whose girlfriend, avowed amusement park despiser and coaster non-rider Victoria Martin, 31, sent the memo.

Martin's document read as follows:

Dear Losers:

I am writing to inform you that, despite my professed hatred of amusement parks, I have been on more classic amusement park rides than many of you. How does that make you feel? I'm sure you'll go home and cry to your mommy about it. Yes, I will not voluntarily set foot in any amusement park unless my enthusiast boyfriend makes me, and then he owes me dinner and foot rubs seven nights in a row. And yet I have been on tons of classic dark rides that some of you probably haven't been on. One was a fully restored Pretzel ride. And how many of you have been on the Alice ride at BPB or walked through a real Noah's Ark like me? Aren't there like two of those left?

And let's talk about other classic rides. As I mentioned before, I really hate amusement parks and avoid them like the plague. The people in them smell and most rides make me motion sick. But I've been on two of the three derby downs-style fast carousels left in the world. That's sixty-six percent! And I've been on something like five Crazy Daisies, the ride most nearly equivalent to the now non-existent Cuddle-Up. How many of you bitches have been on five Crazy Daisies?

I can even taunt you about roller coasters. Yeah, your precious roller coasters. I hate them. I rode a dinky little mouse coaster and it scared me shitless. I have ridden exactly three of these awful things in my life and will never set foot on another. But you know what? I've been on exactly half of all Prior & Church coasters left in the world. Can you believe that? Yeah, I've been on the Dragon Coaster! Up yours!


According to inside information, several worldwide enthusiast organizations are banding together to ride a scathing letter of their own denouncing Martin's unprovoked assault on the dignity and ride counts of their members. "The major focus of the response letter will be to mock this non-enthusiast for refusing to ride Blackpool's Zipper Dipper, a kiddie roller coaster with a lift hill barely taller than she is," said our inside source. "What a wimp!"

--JCK/VMA

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Unknown Enthusiast Violated

The Unknown Enthusiast is mad. No, it's not because they ran out of cheese on a stick at Cedar Point or because his girlfriend got fed up with the amusement park wallpaper and left. It is because someone stole his signature move.

The U.E. was looking through the ECC Japan Trip photo updates. Days One through Six were fine, but on Day Seven he saw what looked like someone stealing his "X" move. He noted, "Yeah, the crossed arms was all my idea. I was doing that a few years ago on X's media day at Six Flags Magic Mountain and it caught on. All of my dogs at Westcoaster thought it was a good idea and I just kept doing it."

"However, I was distressed after looking through days Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen because my sig move was all over the place. What's up with that? Can't anyone go to Japan without trying to rip stuff off from the Unknown Enthusiast? This guy gets international exposure for peeping my coaster game and all I get left with is frustration."


The Unknown Enthusiast Represents With "The Move"

The U.E. noted that he was not only upset about the gratuitous use of the "X", he was sad to see it used by and for others. "If one dude wants to steal my game, that's ok. But, he was straight up using it to get some of the sweet ACE Princess and then even whitey got into the act. If you want to step to the Unknown Enthusiast you best know you're going to get dealt with," he angrily mumbled.

ARN&R will stay on top of both the continued scurrilous usage of "The Move," as well as the Unknown Enthusiast's reaction to the story. As always, you can also get the latest updates on the ECC/ACE Japan Trip from our "Breaking News" section.

--FMB

[Editor's Note: For more on the infamous Unknown Enthusiast, please read about his appearances at Six Flags New England and Phoenix Phall Phunfest, and of course his ever-exciting Unknown Enthusiast's Amusement Park Tour.]

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Six Flags To Sell Mr. Six

Saying that his various parts are worth more to shareholders than his promotional value for the chain, Six Flags Theme Parks announced today that it would begin an auctioning process to sell the organs and other parts of chain mascot Mr. Six.

"We've had a great run with Mr. Six," said Kieran Burke in a prepared statement. "We're very proud of our ability to simultaneously promote our parks and creep out a substantial percentage of the population over the last eighteen months. We are grateful to all of those who danced like, didn't turn off the TV during, or merely gazed with an annoyed look at Mr. Six, and we're hopeful that his parts will improve the health of at least two Americans. Or Chinese. I hear there's a better market for human organs there."

Mr. Six is expected to continue in some role through the Halloween events at the various Six Flags parks, with his euthanization and organ harvesting taking place on the final day of Six Flags Magic Mountain's Frightfest in front of a crowd of thousands.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Football Fan Scoffs at Blackpool Ride

According to one American football fan, a ride at Blackpool Pleasure Beach is completely wrong. Unfortunately, no one in the entire country of Great Britain gives a flying rat's ass.

The erroneous ride was spotted by football lover Dave Spugwicker, 45, during a visit to Blackpool this past week. "They have this set of bumper cars," he said. "It's called the Superbowl, and the cars are themed, strangely enough, to American football players instead of, I don't know, cricket or soccer or lawn bowling or something. Kinda cute. But when I got close to the ride, I almost had an aneurysm."

According to Spugwicker, the building for the ride featured paintings of the helmets, complete with logos, for various NFL teams, except that they were all wrong.

"They obviously haven't updated this ride since the 70's," said the disgusted Spugwicker. "The Broncos had that dumb horse rearing inside a big 'D', the Bucs were that horrible eye-searing orange color, the Bengals helmet actually said 'BENGALS' instead of featuring cool tiger stripes. The Jaguars and Panthers aren't even on there and the Oilers are! It's an atrocity. Don't they pay attention to the theming of their rides?"

Sadly, no one in the entire nation of Great Britain gives a shit. "Who cares?" was the only printable response received. Nonetheless, Spugwicker tells ARN&R that he will be initiating a letter-writing campaign to have the terrible and misleading ride theming altered.

--JCK

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Amusement Ride Enthusiast Disgusted by Amusement Ride

In an event that experts are calling "shocking" and "unprecedented," amusement park and ride enthusiast Kirk James, 33, was positively revolted by the sight of an amusement ride. The offending ride in question was the London Eye, the massive Ferris wheel erected for the Millennium celebration along London's Thames River Embankment.

James admitted that he himself was surprised by his feelings of disgust at the ride. "It was pretty unexpected," he said. "I love amusement parks and the rides in them. I take pictures of coasters, especially wood ones. And I'm always thinking of how an area without amusement park rides could benefit from them. For instance, in theory it would be cool to have a big ride along the Embankment. But in reality, it isn't cool. It sucks."

James went on to note that as he and his girlfriend were walking down the Embankment, they were having a wonderful time sightseeing until "this hideous thing" popped into view.


The London Eye: Hideous Thing or Abomination?

"It's absolutely horrid," said James. "It completely blocks the view of the lovely Saatchi Gallery, it distracts you from any of the surrounding historic buildings like the Houses of Parliament, St. Paul's, and National Theatre, and its a frickin' eyesore. It doesn't fit with the rest of the area at all; it just sticks out like a giant sore thumb, a thumb with an open, seeping, festering, pus-covered wound that's really gross and contagious. I hated the thing!"

According to witnesses, James also described the Eye, at various times over the past few days, as "rubbish," "bullshit," "a tacky piece of shit," "an abomination," "a worthless monstrosity," and "an eye-f*cking atrocity."

James stated that he adores amusement rides, and had never once in all his years been annoyed or vexed by the placement of one in any location, which was why his savagely hateful feelings about the Eye deeply confused and puzzled him.

"This behavior of Kirk's is pretty astonishing," admitted his girlfriend. "I mean, I've actually see him pet a damn coaster car after he had a particularly good ride. He's taken me to the locations where Palisades Park and Savin Rock used to be and given me long orations about what rides were where and what a tragedy it is that there are condos and restaurants there instead now. And he freely confessed to me, without any prompting, that he got kind of misty-eyed when he actually got to see Leap the Dips operating after being something called 'SBNO' for years. He would have an amusement park in every town if he had his way. That's why I'm really kind of confused why the Eye bugged him so damn much."

--JCK

Monday, September 05, 2005

Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day Edition

In celebration of reports that the ACE/ECC coaster trip in Japan has thus far been spoiled by rainouts at parks the tour group has visited, we present today a Very Special Episode of ARN&R. For the rest of the US, this is Labor Day; for ARN&R it shall be Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day. All throughout this magical holiday, we'll update you with the reams of breaking news that keeps pouring in to us regarding the ACE/ECC trip. Keep your eyes on our left sidebar for all the action as we report it.

And, most importantly, have a safe and festive Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day.

--JCK

Friday, September 02, 2005

AFI Hastily Revises Greatest Movies List

Admitting that it had "totally f*cked up," the American Film Institute (AFI) released a statement today indicating that it had "colossally blundered" in making its famous America's 100 Greatest Movies list at the end of the past century.

The statement further said that the AFI had actually taken the monumental step of correcting its errors by revising the entire list. A copy of this new and improved AFI 100 Greatest Movies list was immediately made available to the public following the announcement.

The AFI made the bold step of changing its movie picks after AFI board member Thaddeus Swenson, surfing randomly through Your Movie Database, came across the top twenty movie picks by a former American Coaster Enthusiasts Regional Rep. "My jaw dropped when I saw his list," the board member told ARN&R. "Somehow, we had just completely forgotten about timeless classics such Contact, Spies Like Us, and The Phantom Menace. We're such assholes."

"In particular, for us to completely ignored the majestic oeuvre of Weird Al Yankovic was unconscionable," Swenson added, hanging his head in abject shame.

After a hasty meeting was called, AFI officials decided the only correct thing to do was to revise the whole list and admit its mistakes. "If we'd just messed up and let Kids in the Hall slip through our fingers, it would have been okay," said Swenson. "After all, we did put that saccharine pile of shit E.T. and that unwatchable garbage Dances With Wolves on the original list. But this ACE member's list reminded us that we had forgotten about many of mankind's greatest works of culture when we compiled ours, and we felt that we had to do the right thing by announcing a new list, even at the cost of this public relations nightmare."

The new list will feature Yankovic's masterpiece UHF as its number one choice. Following that will be the critically acclaimed Rollercoaster, which Svenson acknowledged as being both "influential to all movies that have come afterward" and "having a young Helen Hunt in it." Several of the ACE member's other choices were slotted into the list further down, though these films caused a great deal of soul searching amongst the board members at AFI.

"It's obvious to any chattering simian that Psycho is exactly one movie better than Chinatown," said Swenson, "and that The Treasure of the Sierra Madre is exactly two movies better than The Godfather, Part II. But is Spies Like Us better than Citizen Kane? Or maybe it's not as good as Citizen Kane but a little better than On the Waterfront? Oh, it was so very difficult."

According to unverified sources, the former ACE regional rep will be appointed as AFI President as soon as this weekend, in order that his "standards of taste" can be applied to all future AFI activities.

--JCK