Monday, January 02, 2006

NCAA Adds Another Bowl Game in 2006-2007

Despite arguments by many sports reporters and college athletics experts that there are already far too many Division I-A football bowl games, the NCAA announced today that it will be adding a another one beginning with the 2006-2007 season.

The AbsolutelyReliable Bowl will take place on scenic Wake Island, and will feature the ninth-placed team from the Mid-American Conference against the sixth-place team from the Sun Belt Conference. The roller coaster satire blog Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors made the best competitive bid to attach their corporate logo to the lucrative bowl, reportedly beating out such large-scale commercial ventures as McDonald's, Six Flags, and Billy Joe's House of Lamn Mower Repairs, Pizza Delivery, Mini-Golf & Swamp Tours.

"This is a major step for our website in reaching a large audience and asserting ourselves to the American public," stated the website's Grand Poobah in a press conference. "We have seen the figures that show how many people tune in to view, say, Kansas versus Houston in the Ft. Worth Bowl, or Akron versus Memphis in the Motor City Bowl, or someone I totally forget in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Those numbers are intimidatingly huge, and we plan to maximize our exposure with a similarly synergetic relationship to our bowl game in the years to come."

Although the AbsolutelyReliable Bowl did not exist this year, it would theoretically have pitted 4-7 Eastern Michigan against 4-7 Troy. NCAA regulations require teams to have at least six Division I-A victories in order to be allowed to compete in a bowl game, but officials have already stated that, should the Sun Belt and MAC not provide enough bowl-eligible teams to play in the AbsolutelyReliable Bowl, alternates can be chosen from any loser team from a major conference that barely managed a winning record against primarily patsies, or, if necessary, a local middle school team.

The inaugural AbsolutelyReliable Bowl will debut on December 21st of 2006 at 4:00 AM EST. It will be broadcast on the Oxygen Network.

New Cedar Point Attraction: Causeway Stro!!

ARN&R received this press release from Cedar Fair LP:

Attraction Will Create Unusual Link Between Ohio, Cedar Point

Sandusky, OH – January 2, 2006 – Cedar Fair earlier today unveiled its latest venture: The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!!. Spanning a small part of Lake Erie and connecting Sandusky and Cedar Point, the Stro!! will be a tremendous tourist attraction.

“There’s nothing like this in the nation or even in the northern hemisphere, except maybe one that's coming in Cincinnati,” said Cedar Fair CEO Dick Kinzel.

“Between our new chain restaurants and our new chain hotels, Sandusky is enjoying a growing reputation as a location rather near an amusement park,” stated a Sandusky city spokesman. “The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!!, especially with its sassy use of exclamation points, is certainly another feature sure to draw the interest of those both near and far.”

The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!! is an adventure for the young, old and everyone in between. Starting at one end of the causeway leading to Cedar Point, strollers will embark upon a unique journey that will take them upwards of ten feet above water level and within feet of minivans and SUVs driven by enormous tourists, providing them with a bird’s eye view of Lake Erie. (Read "bird" as "penguin" or "other bird with wing injuries.") At the midpoint of the causeway, climbers will turn ninety degrees and face the lake for several seconds, admiring the splash of surf in their face and the odor of exhaust from behind. Strollers will also walk within four feet of a parking attendant's booth to get a close-up look at its architecture. During the trip, experienced guides will share stories about the history of parking at Cedar Point and recreate a dramatic and contentious city council meeting at which Sandusky considered a parking tax.

The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!! will be constructed of an 18-inch shoulder on the road. To ensure participants’ safety during the stroll, each will be outfitted with a special stroll suit, consisting of a reflective vest, and provided with state-of-the-art trash-collecting tools, with which they will be allowed to collect discarded cans, fast-food wrappers, and the like.

Construction on the D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!! will begin this winter and the attraction is scheduled to open in Spring 2006. Cost of tickets will start around $60 per person, with an additional $5 surcharge for each pound of trash collected (which participants will be allowed to keep).