Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Fight! Fight! Fight!

It's a fight!

An incredibly lame, petty, pointless fight, one in which you just hope everyone beats the crap out of everyone else, but a fight!



P.S. to people who bring kids into a fight: you're idiots.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Six Flags Again Does Our Job For Us

Really, Six Flags? You have so much extra money around that you think it makes sense to start a...wait a minute, we can't be reading this right. It's gotta be a typo. Just a second, let us go check on this.

[Sounds of rummaging through papers...]

Really? That's what it is?

A hair cutting store chain? Themed after a floundering amusement park chain?



Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday, August 29, 2008

We apologize for the delay

This certainly does call for mockery, but we can't quite bring ourselves to do it. Too damn cute.

Clearly, we are losing it.


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Holiday World Announces Very Very Large Water Feature

In a highly-anticipated move, Holiday World recently announced a very very large water feature, easily eclipsing its Applause Hands fountain as the biggest non-passenger-carrying water feature in the park.

"We knew we needed a big attraction, but we didn't really want something that would carry passengers or, you know, function," said park president Will Koch. "For tall and non-functional engineering and construction, we knew there was only one company to turn to: Intamin. They've got a long and proud tradition of building enormous sculptures that don't actually run in the way you expect rides to operate, you know, with patrons or anything like that. So Pilgrims Plunge will join a long series of zero passengers-per-hour Intamin rides."

Holiday World issued a statement declaring that its decision was inspired by Six Flags's addition of the world's largest lawn ornament, Kingda Ka, at its New Jersey park. "That installation was so successful they were able to remove their other decoration, Batman & Robin: The Chiller. We're hoping that Pilgrims Plunge will sit, untouched by patrons actually riding, for many years, providing a great photo background."


Thursday, August 14, 2008

McCain "Very Impressed" by New "Up-Stop Wheel Technology"

U.S. Senator John McCain, republican nominee for president, sought today to demonstrate his interest in cutting-edge technology by visiting the Coney Island Cyclone in Brooklyn, New York, declaring himself "astonished" at the "space age engineering" involved.

"The brilliant engineers who saw the need for wheels on not just the top, but also the bottom, of the wheels, are to be commended!" declared McCain in an exclusive ARN&R interview that took place next to the waterboarding installation. "I love the Mauch Chunk Railway, don't get me wrong, but this here, with the up-stop wheels and the hills, this is the future! In a John McCain administration, the American people can rest assured that we will take a cue from the wondrous innovations and break all barriers!"


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Least Capable E-Mail User Ever Found



Thursday, July 17, 2008

For-Profit Company Amazes Investors By Making Profit

Six Flags Inc., a for-profit company, today enthralled, excited and, frankly disturbingly, aroused observers by forecasting that it would make a profit for the first time in its history -- a history during which it has always been formally denominated a for-profit corporation..

"We think we've got this thing figured out now," said CEO Mark Shapiro in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "When we spend less than we bring in, we make this previously mythical thing called a profit. We'd tried a bunch of other stuff, like spending more than we made and offering things that our customers didn't actually want. And the guys before us had what we thought was a great idea too, borrowing billions of dollars more than they could ever make back -- frankly, I'm still surprised that didn't work. But we've got it now! Just call us the pioneers of the amusement industry!"


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Kentucky to Mandate Minimum Teeth Count for Ride Operators

A little-noted provision in Kentucky's recent legislation to set a minimum age for ride operators is expected to wreak havoc on amusement facilities in the state: henceforth, every ride operator will be required to possess no fewer than ten of his or her original teeth.

"This is devastating," said Hank Cash, spokesman for Kentucky's amusement industry group and proud owner of nine original teeth. "It takes a lot of people to staff an amusement park, and fully three-fourths of our residents have fewer than ten teeth. I mean, it could be worse -- they could require basic literacy, which would just destroy us overnight -- but it's pretty awful."

State senator Joe Muller, also known as "Toothy McTeeth" to his friends, disagreed. "This is long overdue. We need ride operators with teeth."


Saturday, February 23, 2008

Tidbits From All Over

Late February means that it’s still the off-season for most parks. But until the usual tales of ridiculous enthusiast public behavior and Six Flags jacking up parking fees three times in one day begin to rear their ugly heads, we here at ARN&R still have some exciting news to report.

-Work still continues at Universal Studios Orlando on the Simpsons Ride, which will replace the park’s beloved Back To The Future Ride. A source which declined to be named tells ARN&R that the ride is still on target for a Spring opening, and will mirror the popular Fox animated show closely. He went on to say that the ride will be underwhelming the first three times guests ride it, will become wildly entertaining for rides 4 through 10, and then begin a slow but steady decline in amusement during subsequent experiences.

-Idaho’s Silverwood Theme Park continues to gear up for what park owner Gary Norton calls “the most exciting season in our history”. In addition to the well-publicized news that Silverwood has purchased Six Flags Great America’s Vekoma lawn ornament Deja Vu, the park plans to open a new food court in its Boulder Beach waterpark, and move forward with a botanical beautification project. Sliverwood has also been aggressively recruiting new employees through newspaper ads, internet postings, and job fairs, and has added nearly five hundred new hires. Norton denies the rumor that most of these new employees will be used to manually lift Deja Vu trains “tug of war” style up the lift towers during the coaster’s many mechanical failures.


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Least Surprising Statement Ever

"I am a member of the American Roller [sic] Coaster Enthusiasts."

(And thousands of enthusiasts' acquaintances said, simultaneously, "Of course he is.")