Wednesday, October 25, 2006

ARN&R Staff Writer Declares Six Flags Code Of Conduct Policy A Total Success

After spending a day at Six Flags Great America, Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors Semi-Literate Staff Writer CMV was amazed at the scope of the company’s newly implemented Guest Code of Conduct. Officially announced on October 18th, the Code was denounced by many as a useless rehashing of already existing park rules and policies on behavior, dress, and safety. But after his first-hand experience at the park, CMV feels differently.

“The first thing I applauded was the fifteen dollar parking fee,” said the ARN&R hack/contributor. “In the past, I had just believed that the company was attempting to fleece the consumer who had no choice but to dish out the money. But now, knowing that these funds are going toward enforcing their new and beneficial policies, I believe differently.”

The surprises continued at the front gate. “The security guard took my girlfriend’s nearly-full cup of Starbucks away from her, stating that no outside beverages were allowed in the park. I believe he was absolutely right to do so. Who knows what kind of intoxicant, foreign substance, or chemical agent could have been in there?

“True, the blank-eyed young man who took our tickets could have informed her of that policy, and let her to actually drink her 5 dollar cup of Maple Macchiato before entering the park. But that’s not really his job now, is it?”

CMV’s girlfriend, hereby referred to as KFF, has a slightly different take on the situation. “I can’t believe that guy took my f---ing coffee!” she said. “And why, just so they can sell more of that nasty hot chocolate for 3 bucks a f---ing cup? Screw that.”

“Once we got in the park, things just got better,” said CMV. “So what if they were only running one train on the Demon? Big deal. The park needs employees to staff the Col. J.R. Peabody and Sons Mercantile Co., don’t they? And that wasn’t garbage on the ground of the Mardi Gras section, it was theming!”

When KFF attempted to remind her boyfriend of the numerous instances of smoking and line jumping (and in one case, smoking while line jumping) that went unpunished in front of them, CMV replied that he “didn’t recall” those occurrences. He went on to state that she was most likely woozy from lack of caffeine, a condition that could have been alleviated by purchasing a refreshing four dollar Coca-Cola from one of the park’s well-staffed food service windows.

“I’m ecstatic about Six Flags cementing their commitment to customer service,” said CMV. “And if the rumors are true about the park not adding any new attractions next year, that just means more focus on maintaining their status as the greatest amusement park company in the known universe. I plan on mailing them a blank check for our 2007 season passes right now.”

[Editor’s Note: At the insistence of KFF, a toxicology report on CMV showed dangerously high levels of Diazepam, an anxiolytic drug. Preliminary medical reports suggest that the drug may have been ingested unknowingly, possibly contained within a slice of Papa John's pizza.]