AdBuzz Now Broadcasting in HD
Webmaster and coaster enthusiast Jeffy Pizzle's world famous advertising website, AdBuzz.com, will now be broadcasting across the Internet in blazing high-definition glory, according to a press release issued today by AdBuzz's parent company SODA Global Media.
"We at AdBuzz are extremely excited to bring this new entertainment technology to the roller coaster lover community," Pizzle was quoted in the press release. "Everyone who has ever wanted to 'spank the monkey' in full 16:9 aspect ratio now has a place to call home. The same goes for everyone who has ever wanted to 'win a free iPod Shuffle' in 5.1 Dolby Digital surround sound."
Visitors to AdBuzz also have the opportunity to join the "almost ad-free" version of the website. The site's "Frequently Asked Questions" section states that members of AdBuzz Club will be given "the privilege of viewing AdBuzz.com in 'super Hi-Def.'" ARN&R researchers spent three hours researching what "Super Hi-Def" is and came to the conclusion that it must have something to do with the AdBuzz business model, which is also described by Pizzle in the press release:
"Our business model at AdBuzz.com is built on treating our potential customers as absolute shit. We vow never to let any content be displayed 'above the fold,' to badger club members to join the damn club after they already joined it, to censor ourselves and others whenever something is said that would make our admins, moderators, or amusement parks we kiss the asses of look bad, and to annoy the piss out of potential customers with ads until they pony up the cash. If they don't like it, they can just stop visiting the website."
When asked how, exactly, a business can survive by telling its customers to sod off all the time, Pizzle replied, "You have no life and you're a douche bag."
Already rumors are emerging about the next generation of AdBuzz technology. One popular rumor includes small projectiles that shoot out of CD/DVD drives and pierce the eyeballs of site visitors while playing an audio ad proclaiming "Bow to me, my sheep! Free Kool Aid with purchase!"