Friday, May 16, 2003

Experts Concur: Hersheypark Still Using That F&%#ing Creed Song For Lightning Racer

Leading music and good taste experts have concluded this week that Hersheypark is still using that f&%#ing Creed song on the speakers around Lightning Racer. According to the National Association of Decent as Opposed to Utterly Worthless Music (NAD-OUWM), “we have ascertained after extensive study, with great distress, that Hersheypark is indeed still using that f&$%ing Creed song ‘Higher’ all day long.

The group has only just released its study, according to spokeswoman Laura Koning, because “we had to be absolutely certain that the park was committing an affront to good taste this horrific before going public.” NAD-OUWM officials spent most of last weekend gathering data through sound samples, personnel and patron interviews, and extensive laboratory analysis. Brave and daring members of the team even approached the actual monitors in the Lightning Racer queue line while dressed in full biological hazard gear to drop a special microphone near the speakers. The microphone used was a specially constructed one that can withstand the unbelievable lameness of poseur rock and roll outfits from Florida.

“We’ve processed the data all week,” said Koning. “Note how 85% of all patrons are either holding their ears, running away from this coaster, or yelling ‘this music sucks!'” And here, on this sound sample, you can clearly hear Scott Stapp’s pathetic moanings that vainly try to rip off Eddie Vedder, as well as a childishly simple drum line and no more than three chords in the bass and guitar. Also, note the bland lyrics, tepid performance, and shameless overprocessing of the recording. We have no choice to conclude that, yes indeed, Lightning Racer is still playing that stupid f%&$ing Creed song.”