Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Despite the resounding thrum of crickets chirping following the announcement of "The Big Coaster Showdown, part of Looney Coaster's Big Super Fun Summer Extravaganza," the administrator of this Roller Coaster Tycoon contest site has still not packed it in. This means that there's still plenty of time left to actually submit a design to the website, where you can reap the eternal glory and honor of being listed in the Hall of Fame and score with lots of hot chicks. It also means we've found our new Site O' the Weak.

Be sure to browse the rest of this amazing site as well...we're sure you won't mind most of the links being broken or going to a page directory instead of an actual home page. By the way, if you'd like to offer some free help to the administrator in the form of setting up his forums for him, since he's too lazy to figure out how to do it himself, then the offer is still open on the main page!

--JCK

[Editor's Note: As of this writing, the main page directory for this site lists exactly 13 hits, at least 4 of which came from an ARN&R writer doing research for this article. We're curious to see if anyone bothers to actually click on links we provide to our Sites O' the Weak, or if you just trust us that they're horrible and back slowly away, so if the counter reads in the millions by the time you get to it, you'll know the mighty power we wield.]

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Coaster Enthusiast Takes Pulitzer

In what may be the most surprising news to come out of collective worlds of academia and coaster enthusiasm since the formation of an exclusive roller coaster club for Nobel Prize winners, a coaster enthusiast was just announced as the 2004 Pulitzer Prize winner in the Poetry category. The winning poem, Randy Klapp's "Re: Tsunami's lift hill reaches the top," is described by a leading New York Times reviewer as "the single most important new deconstruction of the traditional use of the English language since E.E. Cummings."

"This is so amazing holy crap I am so excited all I did was think that it was cool to share my seeing a coaster under construction and also how I saw an angle of it from the kiddy land and then wonder about when they will inspect the coaster that I was talking about and then say some stuff about t-shirts and I never expected to win such a cool award just for that but I will certainly accept it oh my I can't wait that is totally awesome!" said the Pulitzer-winning enthusiast.

Klapp went on to speculate that he might be able to slip Halle Berry a tongue kiss if she were to present the Pulitzer to him.

When queried as to why the esteemed members of the Pulitzer Prize Board had given such a prestigious award to someone who appears to lack even the most rudimentary of grammatical skills, Board member Joann Byrd stated that "the author of the magnificent poem 'Re: Tsunami's lift hill reaches the top' refuses to be bound by grammar conventions in order to present his powerful words of hope. Those who do not understand art may think that Mr. Klapp just made each paragraph last exactly one rambling, incomprehensible, grammar-mistake-laden sentence by accident, but we clearly saw how he used this style of writing to show the unfinished nature of the Clementon Tsunami, and, by extension, the entire nature of our incomplete comprehension of the Mighty Cosmos surrounding our Earth. Additionally, the use of a smiley symbol instead of a period demonstrates a forward-thinking, radical break from the stodgy punctuation practices of bygone times, much as Tsunami's record-breaking first drop will break with the conservative, status-quo hills presented by earlier coasters."

Though members of the Pulitzer Board refuse to answer to speculation, the early favorite to win the 2005 Pulitzer Prize in Poetry is reputed by some experts to be "Only Death Can Bring Me There," from the respected Letters & Drama section of the Thrillnerds Forums.

--CSB/JCK

Monday, June 28, 2004

Cedar Point Feared The Worst Before Start of ACE Con

While it was once believed that California might someday break off into the Pacific Ocean, ARN&R has learned that that theory was feared to be an imminent reality for the peninsula that holds Cedar Point Amusement Park/Resort. Park officials called in civil engineers fearing that the worst might have come true.

The added weight on the peninsula during the recent ACE conference was a concern for park officials for some time. The resort and amusement park feared finding itself on an island in Lake Erie instead of being accessible by a narrow swath of land. During winter meetings, park officials had engineers look into the possibility. However, officials discovered serious concerns even before the first ACEr arrived.

Days before the convention, hundreds of 18-wheel refrigerated trailer trucks, used as temporary warehouses to house the additional food required to feed the attendees, made their way onto the peninsula to park for the event. The trucks alone added thousands of pounds of food to the peninsula.

"Your typical ACE member pounds down half-a-dozen chili dogs, four pounds of fries, two funnel cakes and a gallon of soda in an average meal," according to Carole Sanderson, president of ACE. "For the parks and their suppliers it's a difficult scenario, not to mention the possible geographical catastrophes."

Cedar Point estimates that food sales increased ten-fold during the conference, a logistics nightmare for the park.

"No park has the warehouse capacity to store that much food," said Jaris Colman, director of food services for Cedar Point. "Its been a huge problem for our suppliers too, who operated around the clock for weeks to get the required food to the park on-time."

"The weight of a quarter million dogs, half million pounds of fries and fifty tractor trailers full of chili takes its toll on the causeway and peninsula," said Colman. "At first we were simply concerned about the additional weight of the attendees, but the food alone came close to making our worst nightmare a reality."

While the park denies it, ARN&R has learned that land movement began to occur at least a week prior to the event. Off the record, one Cedar Point official admitted that the park flew in a crew from Southern California's famed CalTech to measure for seismic activity.

Sudden cracks in the causeway, a sink hole in the parking lot and flooding of The Breakers basement were just early indications of the possible troubles to come. Officials denied an inside report that the already-sinking Magnum XL-200 lost an additional 10 feet in the last week prior to the convention.

"By the time the ACE members arrived, we were afraid that Magnum might be an underground attraction," said a night shift security supervisor at the park. "We were all warned and an evacuation plan was in order should the causeway sink during the con."

Park officials banned any additional food trucks from crossing the causeway and requested a police presence to control any problems had they run out of chili dogs. ARN&R has been unable to confirm that Sandusky police used firehoses and rubber bullets on hordes of ACErs demanding additional cobbler.

"I can understand how things might get out of hand when the park ran out of dessert," said Sandusky police chief Daryl Gates. "I had to deal with the problems two years ago when the police officers rioted after the local Dunkin Donuts ran out of doughnuts. Lack of food makes people do things they wouldn't normally do."

Despite the park's fears, a complete collapse of the park into the lake was narrowly averted through the creative and extensive use of underwater scaffolding and bracing, with enormous steel girders being drilled directly into bedrock below the water. The efforts were barely noticed by the attendees, except for one enthusiast who promptly wrote Thrillride! with "confirmation" of a B&M underwater launched coaster for 2006.

--AFU

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Location for National Roller Coaster Museum Chosen

Following years of specualtion, the location for the future National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives has finally been announced: Siberia.

"While many had felt that the museum would most likely be constructed in an area steeped in American coaster history, such as Coney Island or near the remains of the Mauch Chunk Switchback Railway, the NRCMA Executive Board felt that it was inappropriate to focus only on American roller coaster history," said NRCMA Board Member Ralph Barker. "Although modern coasters were certainly developed by Americans, they owe some inspiration to the old Russian ice sleds of the 1600's. For that reason, we decided to honor the true birthplace of the roller coaster by placing the NRCMA there, even if it does get so cold your balls will freeze off."

The museum will specifically be located in Vorkuta, a moderately-sized town in Siberia that frequently has massive blizzards and temperatures below negative forty Celsius. Hours of operation will be "somewhat dependent on weather conditions on a day-to-day basis," notes Barker.

Celebrating the history of defunct roller coasters, as well as demonstrating the important cultural milestones of gravy and ERT, the Frank Genry-designed museum is, according to Barker, still on schedule for its planned 2075 opening.

--JCK

Friday, June 25, 2004

Occasional Lapses In Absolutely Reliable Coverage in Days to Come

We're relocating world headquarters of ARN&R in the coming weeks, so we'll be (more) inconsistent than usual about posting. Don't you worry your pretty little collective head, though, it's a temporary thing. Promise.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Coming Next: USOC to be Petitioned to Recognize Lazer Tag as Olympic Sport

One of our legion of spies has been thoughtful enough to forward us a link to a website so pathetic, it jumped over about twelve other deserving candidates already waiting in line to be acknowledged as the ARN&R Site o' the Weak. Apparently, a few people have come up with the really incredible idea that Dance Dance Revolution, the obnoxious game featured in arcades, home game systems, and almost ubiquitously in amusement parks, should be an Olympic sport.

Judging from the number of enthusiastic, legible, and thought-provoking signatures already placed on the petition, we are quite certain the U.S. Olympic Committee will, unfortunately, be seriously considering making DDR a sport at the 2008 Olympic Games.

At ARN&R, we have already made it quite clear that, not only do we not support DDR becoming an Olympic sport, we would actually prefer to see the game banned entirely. If the federal government is really going to target Howard Stern for obscenity offenses, then it seems only fair that they protect the poor, innocent children from the possiblity of seeing gruesome, pasty mounds of coaster enthusiast flab gyrating off-tempo to terrible music at their local theme park.

--JCK

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

New Homoerotic Lord of the Rings Simulator Hits the Market

The Wacky Funtime Rides Corporation has just released a Lord of the Rings-themed simulator. Touted for the high level of thrills it provides within its very small footprint, the film takes riders on an epic journey through Middle Earth.

The unusual twist to this particular ride is that it is the first overtly gay-friendly attraction based on a major movie franchise. Passengers pay a fee for the ride, and are then allowed to select from a large array of possible homoerotic scenes they wish to experience. Due to the large number of man-love scenarios available to passengers, there should be nearly an infinite number of possible different ride experiences, say company reps.

Much like the rollercoaster-themed small simulators that began appearing a number of years back, the LOTR-themed rides feature a cabin with room for two passengers. Three different scenes demonstrating Middle Earth-dwellers in hot man-on-man, or Hobbit-on-Hobbit, or Elf-on-Orc, action are selected by the riders; a film based on the three scenes is shown in 3D while the cabin rotates along with it.

"We've had a limited release in the past week to test the market for this type of attraction," said one Wacky Fun representative, appearing at a trial run for the new ride at a Jackson, Mississippi mall. "For instance, we've had amazing success testing the ride out in places like Dollywood, Visionland, and Six Flags Over Texas. We expect hundreds of these babies to be shipping to malls, fun centers, and other amusement parks within the next couple months."

The rep noted that the three most popular scenes being chosen thus far were Sam and Frodo: Distraction, Boromir/Pippin, and Legolas+Gimli, but that Hobbits was rapidly coming from behind.

Those who rode the new attraction at the Wacky Fun demonstration in Jackson certainly seemed pleased. One particularly excited young man, leaping out of the pod after his completed ride, even cried out "this ride is totally gay!"

--JCK

Monday, June 21, 2004

Every Month is National Masturbation Month, Says Coaster Zombie

For the past nine years, the Good Vibrations group has began celebrating May as National Masturbation Month. Upon discovering this fact, however, one member of the Coaster Zombies stands defiant against any one month being singled out to glorify the joys of self-pleasure.

"I protest this decision by anyone to celebrate the art of bologna bopping for only one twelfth of the entire year!" said Zombie Jack Meoff, 41. "Any self-respecting coaster enthusiast would tell you that he likes to jack it at least five or six times a day, maybe even more if their mom is out shopping while VH1's 100 Hottest Hotties is on. These Good Vibrations jerk-offs can claim May is when we're supposed to be Jocelyn Eldering ourselves, but they can't stop me from buttering my corn whenever I feel like it, whether it's June, July, or even February!"

"For a coaster enthusiast, every month is National Masturbation Month," he added, slipping his belt off.

--JCK

Friday, June 18, 2004

Horny Enthusiasts Flock to Girl's Rescue

According to sources close to ARN&R, approximately six trillion horny coaster enthusiasts (as well as approximately 19 googleplex other horny guys with no life who don't happen to be coaster enthusiasts) have discovered an online personal ad for a girl who appears to like roller coasters, but is incapable of correctly spelling the word "roller coaster." Experts report that a remarkable increase in worldwide bedsheet-staining can largely be traced to enthusiasts fondling themselves while imagining themselves swooping in and rescuing the young lass from her troubles by providing the correct spelling of the word, thereby earning her love and adulation forever, and presumably then getting to bone her a lot.

"I know I haven't seen a picture of SweetKylie19," said enthusiast Bob Fowler, 50, after he finished pleasuting himself for the fourth time in one hour thinking of the proper way to win the young lady's affection by informing her that she had spelled his favorite type of ride wrong. "But if she likes coasters, I'm sure she's a babe. That's why I'm going to register for this site she's on called 'So Would You Do Me,' and then I can be one of several billion horny bastards who can write in to tell her whether they would enjoy porking her or not, give her a rating, and of course tell her that I'm happy to meet her in person and coach her on the proper way to spell certain amusement park rides. I know she'll want me after that. Who doesn't want to meet a sexy coaster enthusiast?"

"I'm certainly turned on by this chick," noted ACE member Fred Schnauserkins, 46. "Okay, sure, I know she says she hates pop princesses yet calls Avril Lavigne her 'idol,' and then she says she doesn't drink and follows that up by saying she drinks socially, but she needs someone to 'sweet her off her feet,' so she obviously means me. And I've been waiting for a girl who says she enjoys roller coasters, even if she calls them 'rollor coasters.' In fact, it's better that she likes them but can't figure out how to spell them right. That way, I know I can be the teacher and she can be the padawan. Actually, I think most women would prefer it that way, since I know so much. There is much they can learn from me."

ARN&R was unable to ascertain whether all of the members of SWYDM were actually coaster enthusiasts or whether some were just big fat losers who have low enough self-esteem that they have to post their picture online and have complete strangers reassure them that they would be worth screwing.

--JCK
KKK Members Protest Gay Days by Publicly F*cking Animals

Following a completely unsuccessful attempt, through on-site protest, to intimidate homosexuals into not attending the unofficial Gay Day at Dollywood park a few weeks back, the Ku Klux Klan is trying a new strategy in its quest to promote hatred and violence: f*cking barnyard animals.

"Whoo-weee!" shouted lifelong KKK member Billy Joe Pigsqueal, 38, as he sodomized a hapless goat outside of Six Flags Over Georgia, where the group was protesting a Gay Day being held at that park. "Take that! That'll show you homos we don' need yer kind at amusement parks!"

Pigsqueal was unable to inform ARN&R why, precisely, a bunch of inbred assholes giving some rough love to chickens and cows would have any effect on whether anyone decided to visit an amusement park.

"We're gonna keep on f*ckin' us some goats and pigs until the queers stop havin' their sinful Gay Days," noted Joe Don Bob “Strom” Thurmond, 95, a seventy-year KKK member famous for suing the makers of Deliverance for portraying him in an unfavorable light during the "Dueling Banjos" scene in that film. "We'll be protestin' just like this at every park that lets these homos in."

Thurmond was in the midst of a predictably idiotic rant about how white people are an oppressed minority in the US, when he was surprisingly thrown to the ground and raped by an angry steer that had broken loose from its holding pen. Despite this setback, the surviving hate club members assure ARN&R that they will continue having passionate sex with fowl and hogs until the world recognizes the supremacy of the Aryan race and/or gays stop going to theme parks.

--JCK

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Nickelback Dumped From Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Retheme

In stunning news that shook both the pop music and amusement industries, the widely-beloved and influential band Nickelback was unceremoniously dumped from a planned revamp of the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster at Disney/MGM Studios Theme Park, due to an embarrassing scandal that has come to light recently.

The Rock 'n' Roller Coaster was a huge hit when it first opened, as the combination of a smooth, exciting roller coaster with great Aerosmith theming and onboard sound had excited park-goers getting back in line over and over. But, for the past year, the ride has seemed star-crossed. First, in April of 2003, the Aerosmith theme of the ride was replaced with one featuring obscure, widely disliked mid-twentieth-century classical composers. The stunning failure of this version of the Rock 'n' Roller led to yet another new version that featured the hard-rocking hits of Debbie Boone, Kenny G, and Michael Bolton. This version was even more unpopular with guests.

The Studios had been planning a more thorough reworking of the ride to reflect a more unique and original side of current pop music, and the announcement that Nickelback would be involved with the project had fans ecstatic. The ride was slated to be closed from late this September until November, when a new onboard soundtrack featuring popular hits such as "Too Bad" and "How You Remind Me" would debut. The band members would also film a new opening segment to be shown in the preshow area, although lead singer Chad Kroeger, described by Disney representatives as "more radio friendly than video friendly" and "moderately fugly," would only appear off screen.

That was before the Nickelback Scandal broke. When The Webshite published an audio file proving that "How You Remind Me" and "Someday" are exactly the same stupid song, Disney swiftly decided to drop its relationship with Nickelback, choosing to take the monetary losses associated with the termination of the contract rather than risk being heartily mocked alongside the beleaguered band.

A Disney rep who spoke on condition of anonymity indicated that, after the Nickelback scandal broke, the park had engaged in preliminary talks with David Hasselhoff in the hopes that he would lend his glorious voice and chest hair to the attraction's revamp, but talks were broken off after Hasselhoff's DUI arrest later the same day.

The Disney rep further stated that Disney still intended to move forward with the revamp, but to go about it in a different way: by soliciting the opinions of music experts at Theme Park Critic.

"These guys really know what they're talking about," said the rep. "We can glean so much from them, and then come up with a fruitful ride experience that everyone will enjoy. For instance, we certainly want to take advice both from people who confuse Jimmy Page with Ted Nugent, as well as those who think the best thing about Led Zeppelin was the 15 minute drum solos. And also those who offer for people to play their skin flutes, and those who think Canada is across the ocean somewhere. Oh, and we especially wish to draw from the talented minds who came up with the Favorite Bands discussion [Editor's Note: featured here, here, and here, for starters]. There are some simply amazing minds at work there, and the future of Rock 'n' Roller Coaster surely lies with them, not with punk-ass, no-talent bitches like Nickelback."

--JCK
Fear the Boobie

We've already referenced this forum topic at Ultimate Rollercoaster as part of our Breaking News section ("Repressed Prudes Post on Coaster Forums, Say Experts"), but it's gotten so hysterical it just made our Site O' the Weak. From its humble beginnings as a mere outburst of prudishness by a deeply repressed poster who was miffed that a picture of the nude Nemesis Inferno ride photo made it into a signature line, observe how the topic degenerates (amazingly, it's possible) into plenty of random personal insults, the spewing of general hatred for all men, the trashing the social habits and beliefs of other countries, and, thankfully, the posting of more boobie pictures.

Please be aware that you will witness terrifying pictures of boobies, probably the first you've ever seen if you're a coaster enthusiast, if you actually link to the Site O' the Weak. You are a dirty, flithy pervert who will rot in the fiery pits of Hell (or perhaps Southern Mississippi) if you look at them. So you should probably just take our word for it that this topic is damn funny and not actually look at it, or else Satan will rip your still-beating heart from your chest and feed it to his Welsh Corgi.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Please stop sending us the hate mail. The author certainly did not mean to imply that Welsh Corgies are beasts of Hell, merely that Satan owns one. We apologize for any offense taken by owners of this magnificent breed.]

Monday, June 14, 2004

Boy Accidentally Defies ACE Code of Conduct

Gavin Darklighter, 16, is fearful that he will be kicked out of the American Coaster Enthusiasts due to an accidental breach of the ACE Code of Conduct.

"I can't believe I screwed up like that," said Darklighter. "I was hanging out at Hersheypark with some pals of mine. We'd had a good time riding the Comet and Great Bear and then Dan suggested we go to Sidewinder next. Well, I just naturally informed them that Sidewinder sucks c**k, like anyone with any common sense would. It just popped out."

He continued: "Well, that wouldn't have really been a problem, except Dan is the editor of my high school yearbook this year, and unfortunately that means I broke the rule where members of ACE aren't allowed to dislike any roller coaster, even if it chomps your ass and then comes back for seconds."

The rule to which Darklighter referred was Rule 4 of the ACE Code of Conduct, available on the ACE website snd sent by mail to ACErs each year when they receive their membership renewals three months late. In part, it states the following: "When interacting with the media, members are expected to speak enthusiastically about all parks and roller coasters."

"Damn," noted Darklighter. "I'm busted, ragging on a shitty coaster like that to the media. I'm positive I'll have my membership terminated."

In unrelated news, another ACE member, Wes Janson, 34, reported that he was also awaiting censure and possible expulsion from ACE, not to mention consideration for the dreaded Ban List, due to an article he posted on Coasterglobe two years ago where, in an otherwise positive review of Six Flags St. Louis, he opined that Mr. Freeze "licked."

--JCK
Astroland to Theme Cyclone As "Ferlinghetti Lamborghini"

The management of Coney Island's Astroland announced yesterday that it would be closing the famed Coney Island Cyclone for an extended period to permit its retheming as the "Ferlinghetti Lamborghini," a combined coaster and dark ride.

"All the kids these days love that beat poetry of [Lawrence] Ferlinghetti and his contemporaries," said park spokesman Stephen Graham in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "They're constantly hanging around with their berets and their clove cigarettes flying off of our Break Dance. We've been trying for years to figure out how to exploit the massive modern appeal of beat poetry, and we've heard that Six Flags has been working on an Allen Ginsberg-themed walk-through attraction called "Howl," and we wanted to beat them to the punch. Then it came to us: Ferlinghetti wrote the classic anthology of poems Coney Island of the Mind! We knew we had the right approach once we remembered that."

The ride, to be designed and installed by Premier, will maintain the classic wooden coaster's structure while adding extensive dark ride elements. In one series of scenes, Billy Graham and Elvis Presley will exchange roles seriously; in another, an enormous father figure will be shown coming home with his pockets filled with irradiated silver dollars. In a special scene included only in evening "adult-only" rides, the American Boy will take off Beauty's clothes and get on top of her.

The new ride's dramatic finale will feature the rolling stock appearing to transform into a sweet desegregated chariot swinging low and carrying riders back to Ole Virginie.

Nathan's Hot Dogs is anticipated to be closed and replaced with a new location of City Lights Bookstore.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

O'Connor: Ronnie Held on to See Latest Tsunami Construction Pics

In a moving eulogy today regarding Ronald Reagan, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor revealed a surprising fact: the former U.S. President gained strength to continue surviving well into his 90's due to his passionate desire to view the new construction photos of Tsunami, an S&S woodie under construction at Clementon Lake Park.

"Not many people know about this," said O'Connor, appointed by Reagan in 1981 as the first woman to serve in the nation's highest court, "but Ronnie was a complete coaster nut. He was a charter member of the Coaster Zombies and, for some reason, even joined the Greater Ohio Coaster Club one season. And it's that coaster obsession that gave him the power to live until the age of 93. Specifically, this season he's been carrying on in order to see the construction pics of Tsunami, which he told me 'looked totally kick-ass.'"

O'Connor added that "Ronnie left me a letter where he said he finally got to see the construction photo of the ride's first drop on Onride Central, and that he finally felt at peace and that his life's work was done."

"Obviously this is interesting news to us here at the American Coaster Enthusiasts," said Carole Sanderson, the group's President, Lion Tamer, and BCS Co-Champion. "We had no idea the former President was such a fan of our favorite hobby. Of course, many other presidents have enjoyed roller coasters. For instance, Millard Fillmore was a freak for the Mauch Chunk, and they couldn't pry LBJ off the Six Flags Over Texas coasters with a crowbar. And let's not forget William Howard Taft, who unfortunately loved coasters before the advent of fifth-row seats, so he couldn't actually fit in any of them."

O'Connor said that Reagan advisors were not taking seriously the suggestion by one anonymous ACE member that Reagan's ashes be scattered from the top of Top Thrill Dragster in tribute to his hobby, stating that, as far as she knew, "the Reagan family still intends to go ahead with the planned state funeral at Washington National Cathedral this Friday." Reports that Reagan's casket would be receiving ERT on Six Flags America's Superman: Ride of Steel prior to being flown back to California were said to be inaccurate.

--JCK

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Future Whores of America Hold First Annual Conference

(Gurnee, IL) Children are our future, as the classic song goes. To teach them well and let them lead the way, the Future Whores of America held their first annual conference at Six Flags Great America on Monday.

The conference attendees were easy to spot: 14-19 year olds dressed in men’s boxer briefs instead of shorts, halter tops, and high heeled flip flops roamed the grounds of the popular Midwestern theme park, occasionally stopping to freshen their lip gloss.

Among the popular discussions at the conference were “Rolling down your waistband to expose more pelvic bone” and “Our parents don’t even care.”

The conference did take a more serious note when an instant outbreak of Chlamydia occurred at the site of the popular standing rollercoaster Iron Wolf –- instantly knocking toilet seats out of the #2 cause of Chlamydia in 14-25 year olds in the US, as reflected on the chart below, provided by the Department of Health and Human Services.



--MMS


Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Coaster Enthusiast's Entire Summer Trip Budget Spent in Four Minutes

Connecticut coaster enthusiast Rufus Joel, 36, had long been looking forward to this week, a vacation that would feature an intricately-planned driving tour of amusement parks up and down the Eastern seaboard. A mid-level staffer for a Hartford-based insurance company, Joel receives a modest salary and only two weeks of vacation each year, so he covets every one of his rare chances to get out of his cubicle and experience the thrill of riding roller coasters and driving around the country with his wondows rolled down.

Unfortunately, Joel used up the entire budget for his coaster vacation in four minutes, the time it took for him to fill the gas tank of his 1999 Toyota Corolla at a local Exxon station.

"F*ck!" Joel told ARN&R. "I saved all year for this trip. I went out for dinner less, I almost eliminated purchases of CD's and DVD's, and I moved into a cheaper apartment, all so I could make use of my precious few days off. And then I left my house, drove a mile down the road to the gas station, and spent every penny of the two thousand dollars I'd saved for the trip on a fill-up. And it wasn't even premium! Two thousand bucks to fill up a sensible family car!"

Joel later admitted that he spent six dollars of the two thousand getting lunch at a local sandwich shop, meaning that he merely used one thousand, one hundred and ninety four dollars at Exxon.

When asked if he had any revised plans for his yearly vacation, Joel shrugged and stated that he would "probably just watch a lot of TV, assuming I can keep paying Comcast a hundred bucks a month for basic service."

--JCK
Coming Soon: The World's Only Fansite Dedicated To The Dude Who Sold Those Blowup Hammers At Quassy In 1998

Okay, Jeff Siebert (note the order of 'i' and 'e' and the 'b' rather than 'f'), the PR guy for Paramount's Kings Island, seems like a nice guy. We've got no problem with him.

But a website dedicated entirely to him? We're going to go ahead and say, um, it's stalkeriffic!

Let's see...pictures taken when the subject is clearly not aware of it? Check. Surreally positive praise ("Some people are great. Some people are awesome Then There's Jeff Siebert!")? Check. Completely empty discussion board? Check. Repeated references to sightings ("He's been seen at Monster and Flying Eagles helping to operate the ride. Jeff has also been seen working in Bubba Gumps.")? Check.

Yes, the site does say it is "ment [sic] to be funny" and says that Siebert likes it. But hey, stalkers usually think their behavior is welcome. So, Jeff Siebert Fan Page, you're ARN&R's Site O' the Weak!

Monday, June 07, 2004

"Coaster n' Campin'" Couple See Selves As "Coaster Enthusiasts," Not "Dirty White Trash"

Husband and wife team Mark and Karyn O'Harron see themselves as "coaster enthusiasts" as opposed to the freaky trailer trash they actually are.

The O'Harrons, who have never been a member of a coaster club, have never attended an enthusiast event, and who know very little about different coaster types, consider themselves enthusiasts nonetheless due to bi-yearly "coaster 'n' campin'" trips made during summer months.

"Karyn, she's a kindergarten teacher so she's off summers and me, I got my settlement check from my back injury on the job so it's not like I got much to do," reported Mark, who appears to enjoy getting tattoos much more than basic personal hygiene. "We're just nuts about parks, real enthusiasts. We love 'em all, Magic Mountain and Kentucky Kingdom 'specially."

Karyn, who sees nothing abnormal about cooking spice rack pasta in a Motel 6 room as dinner, continued, "We love 'em, them coasters. 'Specially The Beast, that's a good 'un... and... what's the name of that tall one? Something force? That one is kick-ass!"

"We're gonna go in our trailer one day," said Karyn, referring to the 1983 trailer in which they currently reside, "As soon as Mark fixes it up. All it needs is wheels and an engine!"

Mark concluded that they would love the parks even more, if only "them darkies learned their place and stopped bein' so uppity."

--MOS

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Opponent of 2003 Disney Gay Days Looking Forward to 2004 Disney Gay Days

It's 6:00 on Saturday afternoon, and the Reverend Howard Ferstler, 51, is putting clothes and a compact disc player in his suitcase for a trip to Disney World that begins with his direct flight from Little Rock, Arkansas, to Orlando this evening. This is a trip Ferstler has made numerous times over the past several years, as the self-described Conservative Christian has made frequent pilgrimages to amusement parks that host Gay Day celebrations. So what makes this time any more special than any of the other scores of trips he has made in the past?

Previously, Ferstler attended Gay Days to express his hatred of those different from him. This time, he is going as an eager participant.

"In a few hours, I'll be packing a lot more than my socks!" he says, with a wink. Then he tries to slip a ball gag and leather chaps into his carry-on bag without this reporter noticing.

A mere year ago, Ferstler fought Disney in court, and lost, over the right to fly his plane over the Magic Kingdom with anti-gay banners. After that failure, he showed up at Animal Kingdom and stood in the parking lot for three straight days holding signs with intellectual slogans such as "Kill All Fags" and "God Hates People Different From Me." Ferstler also screamed randomly selected, out-of-context bible verses at anyone within earshot until he passed out from heat exhaustion. While not either harassing homosexuals minding their own business at amusement parks or blatantly disregarding the message of love and compassion given by his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ during his own sermons for the Sixty-Ninth Baptist Church of Eastern Little Rock, Ferstler enjoyed spending quality time with Randall Terry plotting the murder of abortion doctors and beating his wife. But not this year.

When queried as to why the formerly outspoken critic of homosexuals would be interested in attending the celebration instead of threatening the lives of gays and handing out literature suggesting they rot in hell, Ferstler was effusive:

"It all started when that Christian Action Network President Martin Mawyer came to my church to show his video of hot man-on-man action from a previous Disney Gay Day," says Ferstler. "He showed us that footage of men cuddling and taking shirts off and slapping each other's buttocks, all in plain view of normal, non-deviant Christians at the park, and...oh my, it was offensive. It was so offensive that I asked to see it again. And again. Well, eventually all those disgusting homos showing affection got me so worked up with righteous rage that I had to insist on getting a hand job from Martin in the bathroom."

He continues: "everyone kept saying my rage against gay people was totally caused by my self-hatred due to the fact that I liked men and just couldn't handle it. Hey, I guess they were right all along! In all these years of beating up gays and spewing hatred, I never realized the sheer pleasure that could be provided by another man. How I wish I had known before now how spectacular and comforting it is to feel the tickle of a beard on your inner thigh; strong, masculine lips around your throbbing member; or a supersized dildo up your butt."

Ferstler notes that his decision to embrace the gay lifestyle he had long denounced had led him on a journey of self-awakening. "I couldn't believe how many people who claim to hate gays were so good at anal sex!" he says. "For instance, Lou Sheldon always claimed homosexuality is a social disorder that's not genetic, but acquired. Well hell, after I let him acquire my ass in a hotel room, I bet he's softened his stance. And then there was that Jeremy Shockey fellow, who plays tight end for the Giants and is always talking about how much he hates homos. Let's just say that, judging from my time with him, he'd be better off playing with the Rams or the Oilers or the Packers."

"Actually, you might want to refer to him as a split end now, though," said Ferstler with a chuckle.

And as for longtime Ferstler pal Jessie Helms, the good reverend merely has this cryptic comment: "well, don't knock a gum job til you try it."

When this reporter asked Ferstler whether he was concerned about fundamentalist Christians assaulting and cursing him when he arrived at Disney World, he merely stated that he "wasn't too concerned with the opinion of those assholes."

--JCK
Enthusiast Misses Chance to Discuss Amusement Parks at Work

In an exclusive interview this morning, coaster enthusiast Matt Groban reported great feelings of dejection and bereavement over his failure to discuss amusement parks with co-workers despite having an easy opening in a conversation that should have enabled him to do just that.

Groban, who teaches science at Dodd Middle School in Cheshire, Connecticut, blatantly failed to take advantage of his potential coaster conversation this Friday, when fellow teacher Jan Royster mentioned in the teacher's lounge that she had taken her art class to Lake Compounce on a field trip.

"I totally messed it up," said Groban. "I mean, she mentioned an amusement park! She said she had taken her class there, and then even said that some security guard had told her some nonsense like there would be an 85 million dollar expansion to double the size of the park next year. She just spread the conversation wide open for me to bust in there and talk about who owned what land and how it was zoned in Bristol, or discuss the type of grease used on Boulderdash, or maybe describe the air compression technology that they use on the new S&S ride, or even talk about how their website was telling people to 'go down' for quite some time. Unfortunately, I couldn't butt in quick enough, and those dumbasses just moved on to talking about the plumbing problems the school's been having."

Groban noted that "at one point, I would have gotten in there and made the rest of lunch completely about my knowledge of coasters. But I waited a split second too long, and then my chance was wasted. I think I'm losing my touch."

Groban noted that, as recently as a month ago, he had been more effective at making use of coaster-related teacher's lounge chats to tell people how much he knows about amusement parks. "It was right after the Superman accident," he said. "People were talking about how coasters were dangerous, but then I managed to leap in and tell them all about what they needed to know. And I was especially helpful in reassuring and comforting them in their time of need, since I'd done my research and read "What to Say to Friends About the Superman Accident."

"I only hope I can get back to that level," he said, gazing wistfully into the sunset. "Because if I don't, some young buck is going to be the one dominating discussions about roller coasters at Dodd before I know it."

--JCK

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Coaster Con Finds New Sponsor

The Atkins Company made a lot of coaster nuts happy this week. The company stepped up to the plate and worked out an agreement with Cedar Point, Geauga Lake and Memphis Kiddie Park to help sponsor the event, which in turn keeps costs down for ACE Members.

“This is really a win-win for ACE and Atkins,” said ACE Goddess-on-High Carole Sanderson. “The coaster group gets to keep their program prices down and Atkins gets a target-rich environment. Without this corporate sponsorship opportunity ACE members would be paying upwards of $5,000 each. We think it's great!”

Tim Latham, V.P. of Concept Development for Atkins, agrees. “We have never found so many overweight men under 40 in one spot before. It will be like shooting fish in a barrel! Add in the fact that many eat meat-heavy diets already and we feel like we’ve struck oil.”

ACE and Atkins have several events planned for the Con, including:

- A steak-eating contest in front of Magnum -- the first to vomit up “Magnum Red” puke wins.

- A Gravy Bath -- The famous retro “water ball” fountain will be filled with gravy so ACErs can get their first bath and fifth gravy helping of the day. Groping will be encouraged and videotaped for the fetish market.

- A Sh*t-Off -- After gorging themselves at the protein-filled Midway Market, enthusiasts will square off in a stinky crap-o-thon. Results will be judged on length, circumference and mass. The more the merrier!

Cedar Fair C.E.O. Dick Kinzel is especially excited about the new events this year. “Yeah, I can’t wait until those lardasses lose some weight. They have complained about Millennium Force enough already this season,” he told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. Kinzel continued, “Now when will you start taping this interview, anyway?”

--FMB

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Millennium Force Changes Affect Not Only Those Large In Waist

The controversial new changes in boarding practices for the Millennium Force roller coaster at Cedar Point affect more then those "big" in the waist, as a respected enthusiast reports in this trip report on RRC:

Then, against my warnings, he gave the lap bar a mighty shove into my lap, literally putting his weight behind it.

OUCH!

I have always disliked the lap bars on Millennium Force, ever since I discovered (the hard way) a little quirk about their construction. Let meput it this way...The problem is that in order for the lap bar to sit in my lap, the 3" diameter steel pipe it is attached to has to be pushed back past the pointwhere it makes contact with something it shouldn't, which then gets wedgedin between the pipe and the seat. After ramming the lap bar thusly, when I hollered about it, the operator hollered back, "It's for your safety, sir."


It has become clear from this report that Cedar Fair is not only discriminating against those large in the waist, but also those who are simply large.

"Cedar Fair's actions in the boarding of Millennium Force are unconscionable," declared Jim Holmes, owner of lpsg.org, "Riders of all sizes should be able to ride roller coasters in comfort and without fear that they may damage or bruise their beautiful, bountiful packages."

Cedar Fair's reaction to the controversy has been as swift as it is original. In addition to the sample chair located at the front of the attraction, park guests may now also measure their ability to ride MF comfortably in other ways via a new "sizing station" located behind the exit photo booth. There, potential riders may measure themselves to determine if they may be "too large" for the new 6" safety standards suggested for the ride. Rulers, a mirror, and privacy are provided to ensure accuracy. Cedar Fair has reportedly rejected a co-marketing venture in which the "sizing station" would also serve as an opportunity to audition for adult films produced by "Butt-Ugly Productions."

"The Cedar Fair policy is to warn that riders of exceptional size may not be able to ride all attractions at our park," wrote guest relations spokeswomen Sandy Ketcher in a letter to ARN&R. "This includes all potential interpretations of the phrase 'exceptional size.'"

As an additional aid, CP is also providing buckets of ice water on the MF loading platform so that select guests may attempt "dunk in" and alleviate the problem themselves for the short duration of the ride time.

--MOS
ARN&R Increases World Domination Via Atom Feed, Event Attendance

Enjoy reading Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors but find all that work of opening a web browser and using your bookmarks to get here to be just too much to bear? Rejoice and be happy, for we have an answer for you!

Yes, that's right, we're now providing an XML feed -- see that little "Atom Feed" thing over to the left? That's it. Here's a description of what Atom is all about, but basically you can use it in your fancy schmancy aggregators. Or you can just read the feed in your browser if you prefer your ARN&R to be even more incomprehensible than usual.

Of course, if you do that, you'll miss out on all the Breaking News Headlines, also over to the left. But it'll prevent you from having to expend one more bit of energy than required. And isn't that what it's all about?

(Well, that and the gravy buffet.)

Speaking of gravy, our ever-growing legion of writers are everywhere. We occasionally even end up at enthusiast events. If you're looking to meet one of us and you think you'll be able to push through the massive groups of hangers-on we all tend to attract, drop us a line and let us know where you'll be. If one of us is around, we'll let you know.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

NY Post Targeting ARN&R Turf

Nothing else new today besides the Site O' The Weak, folks: The New York Post pretty much did our job for us.
Ferris Bueller's Day in Fan Fiction

We had long thought that the domain of amusement park-related fan fiction began and ended entirely with our "bestest fan" Brittany Lynn Swanson, who created the ARN&R Fanfic Pleasure Village 2000, a previous Site O' the Weak winner.

We were wrong.

For our current Site O' the Weak, we alert you to A Shermer Christmas Carol, an endless story on a website devoted to the art and powerful majesty of John Hughes fan fiction. In this particular opus, Ferris Bueller and Cameron plan a visit to Walleyworld, thereby unknowingly mentioning amusement parks enough that the story qualifies for being insulted at ARN&R.

It may or may not be, as the story's author hopes, "the ultimate John Hughes fan fiction," but at least it's our Site O' the Weak.

--JCK