Saturday, June 05, 2004

Opponent of 2003 Disney Gay Days Looking Forward to 2004 Disney Gay Days

It's 6:00 on Saturday afternoon, and the Reverend Howard Ferstler, 51, is putting clothes and a compact disc player in his suitcase for a trip to Disney World that begins with his direct flight from Little Rock, Arkansas, to Orlando this evening. This is a trip Ferstler has made numerous times over the past several years, as the self-described Conservative Christian has made frequent pilgrimages to amusement parks that host Gay Day celebrations. So what makes this time any more special than any of the other scores of trips he has made in the past?

Previously, Ferstler attended Gay Days to express his hatred of those different from him. This time, he is going as an eager participant.

"In a few hours, I'll be packing a lot more than my socks!" he says, with a wink. Then he tries to slip a ball gag and leather chaps into his carry-on bag without this reporter noticing.

A mere year ago, Ferstler fought Disney in court, and lost, over the right to fly his plane over the Magic Kingdom with anti-gay banners. After that failure, he showed up at Animal Kingdom and stood in the parking lot for three straight days holding signs with intellectual slogans such as "Kill All Fags" and "God Hates People Different From Me." Ferstler also screamed randomly selected, out-of-context bible verses at anyone within earshot until he passed out from heat exhaustion. While not either harassing homosexuals minding their own business at amusement parks or blatantly disregarding the message of love and compassion given by his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ during his own sermons for the Sixty-Ninth Baptist Church of Eastern Little Rock, Ferstler enjoyed spending quality time with Randall Terry plotting the murder of abortion doctors and beating his wife. But not this year.

When queried as to why the formerly outspoken critic of homosexuals would be interested in attending the celebration instead of threatening the lives of gays and handing out literature suggesting they rot in hell, Ferstler was effusive:

"It all started when that Christian Action Network President Martin Mawyer came to my church to show his video of hot man-on-man action from a previous Disney Gay Day," says Ferstler. "He showed us that footage of men cuddling and taking shirts off and slapping each other's buttocks, all in plain view of normal, non-deviant Christians at the park, and...oh my, it was offensive. It was so offensive that I asked to see it again. And again. Well, eventually all those disgusting homos showing affection got me so worked up with righteous rage that I had to insist on getting a hand job from Martin in the bathroom."

He continues: "everyone kept saying my rage against gay people was totally caused by my self-hatred due to the fact that I liked men and just couldn't handle it. Hey, I guess they were right all along! In all these years of beating up gays and spewing hatred, I never realized the sheer pleasure that could be provided by another man. How I wish I had known before now how spectacular and comforting it is to feel the tickle of a beard on your inner thigh; strong, masculine lips around your throbbing member; or a supersized dildo up your butt."

Ferstler notes that his decision to embrace the gay lifestyle he had long denounced had led him on a journey of self-awakening. "I couldn't believe how many people who claim to hate gays were so good at anal sex!" he says. "For instance, Lou Sheldon always claimed homosexuality is a social disorder that's not genetic, but acquired. Well hell, after I let him acquire my ass in a hotel room, I bet he's softened his stance. And then there was that Jeremy Shockey fellow, who plays tight end for the Giants and is always talking about how much he hates homos. Let's just say that, judging from my time with him, he'd be better off playing with the Rams or the Oilers or the Packers."

"Actually, you might want to refer to him as a split end now, though," said Ferstler with a chuckle.

And as for longtime Ferstler pal Jessie Helms, the good reverend merely has this cryptic comment: "well, don't knock a gum job til you try it."

When this reporter asked Ferstler whether he was concerned about fundamentalist Christians assaulting and cursing him when he arrived at Disney World, he merely stated that he "wasn't too concerned with the opinion of those assholes."


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