Sunday, February 27, 2005

Oscar Rewind

In celebration of the twelve-hour Oscar telecast set to air tonight, ARN&R presents a very special rerun (with minor additions) of a classic from deep in our files:

Absolutelyreliable.com Sweeps First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Awards


Entertainment experts were shocked last night, as the upstart AbsolutelyReliable blog made a stunning sweep of every single award handed out at the prestigious First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Awards. Although considered by many pundits to be a dark horse possibility in some categories, ARN&R received no predictions of such a dramatic victory.

The ceremony was lauded by E! Television’s Jules Asner as “a welcome balm for our troubled nation.” As opposed to the Oscar ceremony held on the same night, nominees for AbsolutelyReliable Awards were feted with limousines, red carpet arrivals, and throngs of adoring fans. Vicious gorgon Joan Rivers and her gruesome she-devil banshee daughter Melissa, thwarted by the low-key Oscar telecast, graced the AbsolutelyReliable Runway to offer their assessment of the fashion sense exhibited by the nominees.

“Pitiful,” lamented the elder Rivers harpy to the younger, upon seeing nominee JCK exiting the limo with Jessica Alba in tow. “That tuxedo looks like a desperately starving freelance musician lived in it for 10 years. He’s actually giving me fond memories of Bjork, he looks so vomitous.” Rivers then made a gagging sound and pantomimed sticking her finger down her throat.

The unrivaled success of ARN&R began with the site claiming the very first award, Best Ongoing Flame War With Imbeciles on Forum Websites, the last, for Best Writing Staff Ever On a Website, and each and every other award in between.

Major prizes included ARN&R itself for Best Fake Rumor Site Ever, Best Overall Website Anywhere, and Best Site for Perplexing Those With Low I.Q. Scores. The website’s shop won Best Online Ye Olde Shoppe, as well. The Editor in Chief took home numerous prizes, including Best Webmaster, Best Editor in Chief, Best Article Involving Decapitation, and the S&S Power Special Little Bag O’ Fun Prize.

Other writers brought home shiny new toys, as well. JCK was lauded for Best Use of the Outmoded Exclamation ‘Pshaw,’ as well as a Special Independent Spirit Award for Creating a Long Article for the Express Purpose of Listing Lots of Euphemisms for Jacking Off. FMB took home the prize for Best Trade Show Report, MOS won the coveted Best Article About Alligators Being Bonked on the Head by Krispy Kremes, and the Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III Crescent was shared by CSB and MMS.

“There’s something really fishy about this awards ceremony,” said Asner. “I just can’t put my finger on it right now…”

--JCK

Thursday, February 24, 2005

An Evening With Robosaurus

The fair industry is doing well these days. The Florida State Fair recently reported record earnings and large state events around the country are hoping for another year of growth. However, this success has led the industry to forget some of its veterans, the men and machines that built state fairs.

One of the saddest stories is Robosaurus. I recently sat down with Mr. Saurus and discussed his colorful history at fairs and monster truck pulls at his home outside Las Vegas.


Robosaurus in happier days

ARN&R: Where have you been the last few years?

RS: I kind of disappeared as fast as Ronnie James Dio, didn't I? Just kidding, I love Ronnie. We worked a lot together, I even incorporated "Holy Diver" into my act.

ARN&R: Back to your downfall.

RS: Oh yes. I got kicked off the fair circuit for doping in 1991 and my life kind of spiraled out of control after that. I had a bad smack habit and shuffled between odd jobs.

ARN&R: This must have been a hard transition for you.

RS: Oh, it was. One day I was breathing fire, signing autographs and crushing cars painted like the General Lee. The next I was a busboy -- it made life difficult. And those damn wine glasses were so fragile.

ARN&R: What was your lowest point?

RS: One day I was panhandling in Central Park. I was arrested by beat cops on horseback and taken to the New York City jail.

ARN&R: How did you fit?

RS: I didn’t. I had to stay in the yard and could only hang with people when they got their hour to lift. Plus, I couldn’t ball because I stood over ten stories above the basket. Everyone said I had an unfair advantage.

ARN&R: What is Robosaurus doing today?

RS: I am happy to say I am on the straight and narrow. I recently got the contract to play ten fairs in Kentucky and another five in Mississippi. In between I will be honorary judge at a few monster truck pulls and then heading to Hollywood as the Center Square while Whoopi is on vacation.

ARN&R: What is next for “the king of destruction and mayhem”?

RS (laughing): It’s been a long time since I’ve been called that. Let’s just say I am on the right path. I found Jesus through Jerry Falwell and he really helped me sort through some things. I gave up my car and bone crunching ways. A new Robosaurus is here to stay. I have to do a plug or my agent will kill me. For bookings please visit my website at Robosaurus.com.

ARN&R: That’s great to hear. God bless.

Next week: an exclusive ARN&R interview with KITT from Knight Rider to find out where things went so wrong.

--FMB

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Enthusiast Writes Protest Email to ACE

According to longtime ACE Member and self-professed "majorly influential coaster enthusiast" Herman Reynolds, 45, he has sent an email to the American Coaster Enthusiasts that he anticipates will bring large changes to the group.

"I was planning my wedding with my enthusiast girlfriend and we went to the ACE Online Store to set up our registry there. Well, we were incredibly surprised that they don't have a wedding registry! What kind of online merchant doesn't have a gift registry? That's retarded."

Reynolds went on to add that he was well aware that he could just tell people to buy him crap at the ACE Store and wrap it up themselves, but that he and his fiance would "probably end up with ten or eleven of those stupid polyester jackets" instead of the "full set of silverware, the fondue equipment, or the dillweed-colored official ACE muumuus we really need for our lives together."

Reynolds asserts that his email contained the perfect balance of righteous indignation and constructive criticism, along with "a few curse words," and that ACE members should expect a wedding registry to be available "any day" after the stern talking-to ACE officials had received. He was unable to tell reporters exactly to whom he sent the scathing email, however, and members of the Executive Committee refused comment.

Registry or no, the Reynolds wedding is scheduled to take place this July 15. Although Reynolds noted that he looked into doing a "big, awesome onboard coaster wedding," he discovered recently that this could result in a substantial expense. Instead, he plans to wed his blushing bride in the comfort of his own apartment, where they will play America's Greatest Roller Coasters Volume VII, Gerstlauer promotional spots, and Reynolds' own illegally-obtained onboard ride footage during the ceremony to maintain its proper balance of fun and dignity.

--JCK

Monday, February 21, 2005

And the George McFly Award for Gullibility Goes To...

We've been champing at the bit (yes, champing, not chomping) for almost a week to announce our Site O' the Weak this time around. It's absolutely wonderful, and it pained us not to put it up sooner, but the previous award winner, featuring a Houston discussion forum's members taking something on ARN&R seriously, was also deserving of its full time in the spotlight.

But now, we proudly present to you the Coasterbuzz thread "B&M Inverted Mini!" In this topic, a poster apparently actually believes our story about the creation of the new B&M Mini Coaster announces such at CB. Well, it's actually more like he just cuts and pastes our entire original article into the topic, instead of announcing it. (Note to future dimwitted folks who, for some unfathomable reason, actually think ARN&R articles are real: it is generally considered very poor etiquette to post an entire piece of someone's else's work verbatim on another website, even if you aren't claiming you wrote it. We just want to be sure you don't look like an ass, that's all.)

Be that as it may, the resulting discussion is poised to be a classic, as the members of CB have a good chuckle at the expense of the gullible poster. It's funny enough that anyone believed this silly article in the first place, but even more sidesplitting is the fact that we had an article making fun of another group of people who took us seriously posted almost directly above the B&M Mini one (a fact one CB participant mentions to the Gullible One). It's one thing to miss some very obvious hints that an article is satire, but another entirely to miss it about an inch away from another article warning of making this mistake.

The thread unfortunately devolves, at some point, into a bunch of Monty Python quotes. While we don't condone this sort of behavior, as it tends to frighten the girls away, we might as well use it as an opportunity to link to an older ARN&R article about Xcalibur that all you Coasterbuzz Python nuts might appreciate.

Yes, it's a glorious month for Sites of O' the Weak. We'll certainly be hoping that the clueless continue surfing over to us and giving us all this entertainment.

--JCK

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Weird Search String Update

It's that time again where we alert our readers as to what odd search string requests cause people to mistakenly view ARN&R. Our five or six actual readers, anyway, since all the rest of you appear to be random perverts who obviously came here by accident looking for something nasty like "Barney Ass Gravy" and are presumably not planning to return since you didn't find it.

Throughout January and February, we've still been having regular appearances of all our old favorites, like Jessica Alba Belching (7 hits), Paris Hilton Crotch (or similar variants, 66 hits), and Female Wedgies (or similar variants, 38 hits), but some great creativity has led intrepid internet explorers to land at ARN&R in search of the following interesting things of late:

Brittany Rears

After seeing literally hundreds of hits to ARN&R using this name, one member of the editorial staff decided there probably weren't that many people dumb enough to spell the brain-dead singer's name wrong over and over (probably being the operative word), so we looked it up. Well, you learn something every day. Apparently, Brittany Rears is the name of an actual porn star, so we'd like to give huzzahs and/or kudos to FMB, who wrote a story using that name, for bringing us way more traffic than we've had for anything besides the aforementioned Ms. Hilton's nether regions.

Pootie Tang Translation

Back in January, a Breaking News sidebar mentioned Pootie Tang. Apparently this led to people hitting our site fourteen times in an attempt to locate Pootie Tang Translation. Well, which one? Do you want it in Spanish? Hindustani? Quenya? Aurebesh? You've got to be more specific.

Boys Restroom

We aren't sure if it's more frightening that eight of you found our site with this search or that it would have taken too long to find our actual listing (the link just goes to the first page) in the search results since there are 3,370 entries for this on Google. Just trust us, several people found us while doing this search, and the only comment we can make is that either you're looking for Mapquest directions from your office cubicle to the shitter, or you need to turn yourself in to the proper authorities immediately.

Be sure to catch our next installment of Weird Search Strings...we don't know when it will be, but since there seem to be plenty of deranged fruitcakes checking out ARN&R, we're bound to have another edition pretty soon.

--JCK

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Six Flags Guests to be Shocked in 2005

Guests to several Six Flags parks next season will be in for a shock, according to Six Flags Vice President of Theming Cross-Promotion Larry Bidwell.

"Our guests are always saying they want to be surprised and shocked with our new attractions every year," said Bidwell in a press release. "Well, if this addition doesn't give 'em a jolt, I don't know what will!"

According to the press release, numerous employees will be hired to patrol the Crackaxle Canyon themed areas at a number of the chain's amusement parks, including Six Flags Fiesta Texas and Six Flags New England, as well as the similar but slightly different Crack Whore Canyon section of Six Flags Northeastern New York. The employees will be themed as "real cowpokes," and will be given actual, live electric cattle prods for "thematic authenticity." The employees will use the cattle prods to herd unruly patrons into lines, deter them from complaining at Guest Relations, and zap people at random every now and then just for "shits and giggles," according to the press release.

In order to make room on the payroll for these new themed employees, as well as the expensive cattle prod technology, Six Flags has also announced that it will fire half of its ride staff at the affected parks, leaving approximately six to eight total ride ops at each one. Six Flags did not specify in its announcement what sort of system the six to eight ride ops would use to ensure that all of the parks' rides remain open throughout the day, but did note that "some zero train operation would occasionally be conceivable on certain attractions."

--JCK

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Six Flags Over Iraq Opening Declared A Success
Attendance of no Iraqis and multiple explosions dismissed as "inconsequential"

Kieran Burke, CEO of Six Flags Corp., announced today that last weekend's opening of SFoI was "better then we had even dreamed."

"The fact that we can open the park is itself a success," said Burke, dismissing the opening attendance day number of 83 people as "inconsequential."

Burke went on to say that the 83 guests, all members of a group called "American Coaster Enthusiasts" who had flown in for the occasion, received complimentary SFoI season passes in appreciation. (Ed. note: SFoI season passes are not valid at any other Six Flags parks.) "And, as for those four unfortunate people who were injured in the explosion at Superhero Circle, they have received lifetime season passes!" (Ed. note - also not valid at other SF parks).

The explosion Burke mentioned was one of six which occurred in the park that day. The relatively small number of injuries has been attributed to the low attendance. IAAPA issued a statement supporting the park's opening and attributing the bombing injury victims to rider error.

Most of the rides were reported to be open, with the exception of the water park, both log flumes, the river raft ride, the ferris wheel, the sky ride, and the Viper, the just arrived TOGO coaster from Six Flags Great Adventure, leaving one Dragon coaster (with two seats roped off) and a Zipper borrowed from Baghdad HappyLand (formerly SaddamLand). Burke stressed that the closings were not specific to SFoI's location or circumstances, and instead were "typical of operations at any other park in our chain."

Burke had no comment on the kidnapping of his assistant, Michael O'Reilly. ARN&R will provide more details on the kidnapping as soon as they become available.

--MOS

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Enthusiast Mourns Loss of Kumba


Kenosha, WI: Coaster enthusiast Gerald Unternehmen posted a loving testimony on several enthusiast message boards yesterday:

Kumba, we will miss you. I'm sure that the decision Busch Gardens and B&M made to euthanize you was a hard one to make – but it was, sadly, to end your suffering.

Though your name means "roar" in the African Congo language, you were a shy, quiet steel coaster. As the city's first coaster born in captivity, you showed the world that coasters did not have to be captured in the wild and caged in theme parks – that they could successfully be born and raised out of the wild.

Oh, Kumba! How your children, the mighty Kowali, and your namesake living in Israel, will mourn you and honor your memory. You will live on in all of us!

No less than 10 minutes after this moving tribute, enthusiasts were flooding Busch Gardens' telephone lines, demanding to know why Kumba's kidney failure was kept a secret for so many months.

--MMS

[Editor's Note: For additional coverage of Kumba's untimely passing, and some thoughts from the ride's close colleagues Gwazi and Montu, please read here.]

Monday, February 14, 2005

Playboy Centerfold to Feature Great American Scream Machine

With copies of the March Playboy Magazine flying off the racks due to the appearance of former teen pop star Debbie Gibson in a multipage nude spread, speculation is already brewing over what washed-up former starlet will next try to revive her career by baring it all.

Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is pleased to be the first news organization to break the surprising news that another celebrity will grace the pages of the very next Playboy: Six Flags Great Adventure's Great American Scream Machine. Although back in the late 80's and early 90's, when the young starlet was at the height of its popularity, it had said that it would never pose nude, apparently it felt that maintaining its squeaky clean image was less important in 2005 than actually getting someone to actually bother going through its line and ride it.

"This is great news!" gushed Great Adventure fan Steve Thomas, 41. "I always loved the Great American Scream Machine back in the day, and I can't wait to see it buck naked."

"There's gonna be some huge 'or-GASM' going on in my bathroom the day that mag comes out," he added with a wink.

However, other former fans of the ride are less enthusiastic. "It's fine and all," said Doug Louter, 34. "But it would have been a lot hotter to see this coaster nude when it was still young, like in the 80's or early 90's. And I bet they airbrush the shit out of the shots, just like they do with all the other celebs that pose in Playboy."

Other useless former stars have done centerfolds in recent years, with mixed success: while has-been singers Belinda Carlisle and Tiffany saw almost no surge in their music careers after appearing naked in Playboy, a retrospective article on The Beast in the latest Rollercoaster! Magazine, featuring numerous luridly sexual poses by the long-running woodie, led to dramatically increased interest in the coaster for the coming season. However, with Rollercoaster! catering to the same sort of hard-core crowds as Hustler and Penthouse, rather than the "artsy" and "more tasteful" Playboy, coaster enthusiasts will be warned to expect only classy nude poses of GASM, and not graphically pornographic material like that covered in the Beast shoot.

The April issue featuring Great American Scream Machine will be available at news stands on March 12th.

--JCK

Sunday, February 13, 2005

ACE Heart of America Region Announces Next Event

The Heart of America region of ACE announced its next regional event in an exclusive ARN&R interview. Mark your calender now for sometime in June 2011 for ACE Heart of America's Slapped Together Ten Damn Days Beforehand Coaster-aganza ("STTDDBC").

"This event will feature exclusive ride time -- or ‘ERT' as my region calls it -- on some coaster or maybe more than one coaster at one of the parks in my region...except I think for Dogpatch USA as it may be closed by now, not sure though, have to look into that...they haven't returned my calls in a while," stated the Heart of America Regional Representative Jorgen Mussfove.

Vigorously shaking his head and continuing, Mussfove said, "This is going to be more than just another Heart of America regional event that happens every eight to twelve years like clockwork in my region. STTDBC is going to be a super special event because during the event the next issue of my regional newsletter 'Airtime' will also be released and will feature exclusive inside information on the fate of Buzzsaw Falls!" Mussfove gushed excitedly.

Inside sources indicate that ACE will celebrate the Heart of America region by featuring a thirty-page color spread in "Rollercoaster!" magazine providing in-depth coverage of ACErs with tremendous trust funds exploring the three Dragon Coasters installed in an obscure Chinese province. The feature, to be in the group's Fall 2005 issue, will be mailed in approximately April of 2009.

--DH

Friday, February 11, 2005

Ewwwwwww....

Plenty of weirdos have accidentally come across our website after typing in bizarre, freakish, or slightly grotesque searches at Google. And, although we don't have what these weirdos are looking for, we're certainly glad they dropped in on us anyway. Who doesn't like to read some amusement park industry satire when they're hot and horny to jerk it to some Jessica Simpson camel toe rumors? We don't have any pictures of Jessica Alba belching or Denise Richards scratching herself, and, sadly, seeing as we would probably be fairly wealthy by this point if we did, you will not find Paris Hilton crotch at ARN&R, either. But that doesn't mean we don't appreciate everyone's business, even if they came here by mistake.

Well, maybe not everyone. For instance, the person who came to ARN&R searching for "David Hasselhoff in speedo." Yes, you. Please go away and never come back. You frighten us.

--JCK
People Take ARN&R Seriously Again

Every couple of months it happens. Despite every conceivable indication that our website is completely silly, ridiculous, and no sane person could believe a single dang word written on it, someone inevitably thinks ARN&R is a real source for news and posts a link to us.

One of our favorites (sadly, now offline) was when the Florida Historical Foundations, a group partly dedicated to saving the memory of Boardwalk and Baseball, linked to an absurd story of ours where the Cincinnati Bengals tried to visit the long-closed park after a losing season, were bitten by rabid dogs, and were seen visibly crying. The Florida Historical Foundations took it so seriously that they even quoted from our article. And, of course, our material frequently appears on various coaster message boards, where some dumbass inevitably believes and posts a link to such nonsense as the Garfield upgrade at Kennywood consisting of jet-propelled cat dander and an overwhelming odor of spraint. Come, people. Use those noggins.

Our latest victims are the members of the Houston Architecture Info Forum, who made the mistake of believing an ARN&R article regarding their local park, Six Flags Astroworld. At least they were properly chagrined when their error was pointed out, but the discussion before that point was pretty amusing. Amusing enough to make Site O' the Weak.

As always, please tune in to ARN&R, where only the most highly researched and utterly factual amusement park news and notes are reported.

--JCK

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

New Lent Themed Section to Debut at Six Flags Great America

In a surprising move today, Six Flags Great America announced an entirely new themed section that will debut at the beginning of the 2006 season: Lent. According to a park spokesman, this new area will be an "explosive smorgasbord of thrilling excitement devoted to rip-roarin' religious contemplation and fasting."

The new Lent themed area will be located right next to the recently opened Mardi Gras section of the Gurnee, Illinois, megapark, in order to "provide a realistic comparison and contrast of two of the most kick-ass holidays known to this planet," according to the rep.

Continuing, he noted that the general feel of solemnity and retrospection in the Lent land will be "just totally wicked awesome."

--JCK

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

B&M Introduces Inverted Mini

Following the tremendously positive reaction to Apple's announcement of the new Mac mini low-price computer, famed coaster designers Bollinger & Mabillard announced today a new "Inverted mini" coaster.

"With this, patrons can live the inverted lifestyle in stylish simplicity!" enthused company spokesman Melinda McCloud. "The new Inverted mini stands nearly three feet tall and yet performs as a complete full-course coaster!"

When reporters pointed out to McCloud that the ride appeared to be a hastily-repainted model coaster from Coaster Dynamix, McCloud scoffed and ended the press conference, declaring the Inverted mini to be "everything you wanted, and nothing you don't need. Unless you are over five inches tall. Then you might want to buy a full-scale version."

Six Flags has reportedly ordered one for each of its parks, paying what it deemed to be a "bargain" at $2.3 million per installation.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Disney Gay Day Opponent Plots Expansion of Protests in 2005

Gay Days, events designed for homosexuals, lesbians, and their friends and families to spend time together in a supportive and open environment, have become a yearly ritual at many of the nation's large theme parks. Also a yearly ritual is the appearance at these events of hordes of fundamentalist Christians with endless time and money on their hands. Gay Days are where these folks show the infinite mercy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by spewing venom and hatred at others. Planning for this veritable orgy of cruelty and viciousness is always on the minds of religious organizers, but it really begins in earnest around February.

However, this year, conservative Christians plan to branch out from their gay-bashing at parks like Disney World's Magic Kingdom and Universal Studios, and loudly decry the evil deeds of all sinners turning their backs on the Bible.

"We always enjoy our time screaming and threatening violence at these homo abominations at Disney," said protestor Jeb Ziegehodensackesser, 40. "After all, it says in Leviticus 18:22 that you aren't supposed to lie with men, and that's certainly not open to any discussion of interpretation. But some of us decided this year we'd actually take five or ten minutes and read some of this here 'bible' thing we had sitting around our houses, instead of just picking out a couple of completely random verses out of context to justify our hatred and prejudice, and shit far if we didn't find all sorts of crazy shit in there! Our protests haven't covered nearly enough sinful activity!"

Ziegehodensackesser elaborated further on the new expanded focus of right-wing efforts at Gay Days: "We've always said we take the Bible literally. So we still condemn homos. But we just now realized that Leviticus 19:27 says that no man shall round off the hair at his temples or trim his beard, and that Leviticus 19:19 says you can't wear clothing made of two kinds of fabric, so we condemn these people as well. Well, spotting those filthy heathen with goatees and neatly trimmed beards should be a snap, and I certainly think I know what a cotton-polyester blend looks like, so all those sinful bitches of Lucifer are going to hear God's wrath from me!"

Ziegehodensackesser's young daughter was then overheard screaming "Rot in hell, swine and/or lobster eater! Jesus condemns you to Satan's fury!" into her bedroom mirror for practice. Ziegehodensackesser admitted it would be more difficult to ferret out all sinners who have ever tasted the succulent but damnable flesh of pigs (Leviticus 11:7-8) or shellfish (Leviticus 11:9-12) come Disney Gay Day, but his flock would do their absolute best to make life miserable for anyone they even remotely suspected of this Hell-worthy activity.

"We were even thinking about making up some posters like 'Jesus Hates You, Rock Badger Eaters!' since we wanted to cover every one of God's laws at this event," he added. "But I guess that seemed a little silly, since probably no one there will have gone to the trouble of hunting, dressing, cooking, and dining on any rock badgers like it says you aren't allowed to do in Leviticus 11:5. But we'll keep an eye on that, and maybe look to add that next year if it becomes an issue."

Ziegehodensackesser further went on to name a number of other "abominations" his group of conservative Christians would be noting and denouncing loudly: "We'll be actively condemning and harassing any woman who grabbed a man's nads in an argument but didn't have her hand subsequently cut off (Deuteronomy 25:11) and any parents with a screaming, sassy brat that they haven't bothered stoning to death yet (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). And of course, at least in the King James version of the bible, it has that thing about people being slaughtered if they piss against walls (1 Kings 16:11)...now, some people think that just refers to 'men' as a whole, but we think it's best to be sure, so we'll be on the lookout for any of those no-good frat-boy types. If they plan to piss on any walls at Disney, they may indeed face a major smiting by God!"

The only Biblical laws that will not be taken literally in order to condemn others are ones regarding adultery and masturbation, the protest leader announced. "Really, those two are just so screwy and weird and off the deep end, each individual must interpret them in whatever way seems most appropriate for them and them alone," he noted.

--JCK

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Bonds Surgery a Success

San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds underwent a minor surgical procedure to clean up damage in his knee, the team announced yesterday. According to Giants trainer Stan Conte, the surgery was merely a "clean-up procedure," and that the team expected Bonds to be at full strength by opening day of the regular season. Although Bonds will report to spring training when it begins, he will concentrate on rehab of the repaired knee until beginning full workouts in mid-March.

More importantly, Conte indicated that Bonds would be able to enjoy his favorite pastime, riding roller coasters, as early as one week from today, provided the slugger does not overexert himself walking between rides or trying to cram himself into anything made by Arrow or Premier.

"Barry is not upset at the fact he can't really get into the outfield for a few weeks," said Conte. "But he gets misty every time he mentions how excrutiating that one-week wait will be before he can be thrilled by [Six Flags Marine World's] Medusa again."

Conte also noted that Bonds intends to keep his crutches handy in the future so he and his teammates can walk up the exit ramp and be seated on coasters without having to wait in line with "the scum."

--JCK

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Web Design Course Now Available

We feel a little bad picking on personal websites sometimes. It always feels better to let it rip against a big corporate site that sucks, since the people who own them have probably, at one point or another, taken money from you in some fashion, and then obviously spent it on someone who couldn't do web design much better than an untrained howler monkey. Meanwhile, personal sites are created by people who may have minimal free time, money, or the ability to format anything so that it makes any sense. They're doing it for fun, not to make money. However, it is nonetheless our civic duty to alert you, dear readers, to bad websites involving amusement parks, no matter the type.

And so we direct you to Beth and Dave's Vacation Page, which is a collection of photos by people who are likely very nice, but who are also, unfortunately, top level grand masters of unholy web design. Behold the disorganized picture layout. Witness all the red X markings where pictures should be. Thrill to what appears to be a sound file with no sound. In short, bow before the new Site O' the Weak.

--JCK