Friday, May 14, 2004

Boycott ARN&R!

Fed up with being "deficated [sic] on" by the "hateful, vindictive bottomholes" at ARN&R, brave souls have stepped forward to boycott the trashy amusement park satire page, which, incidentally, is run entirely by people who have low self esteem and who "actually think they are Rumsfeld haters while they are so joined at the hip, well, maybe in ways we cannot explain, anyway thats TMI, well these people are sick." Or something.

We at ARN&R certainly support a boycott of our filthy product, as we really are complete bastards who Jumped the Shark ages ago, anyway. Of course, it will take a mighty show of force for us to really pay any attention to protestors, since we sell such astounding amounts of merchandise from the AbsolutelyReliable Online Boutique. Why, a recent count shows that we've sold almost twenty items in the last two years, including nearly four or five actually bought by someone who has never written for ARN&R! We hope that the boycotters are ready for a drawn-out battle as they attempt to impede our Trump-like revenue stream.

The real tragedy, aside from Coasterfanatic's drunken babbling, in the whole affair is the demand by boycott organizer WildOne that those who communicate with us or read our site be boycotted, as well. Ultimate Coaster participants such as Moosh, C-Screw, Adam, Al, "Guy Near Hulk" Rollergator, and the Reverend (whose name the Assistant Editor actually managed to spell right this time) have all been seen openly weeping, mewing, and casting upturned eyes toward God as one or two people on Ultimate Coaster have decided they "may not want to be fwiends" anymore after finding out that these individuals have dared to look upon our Satan-fueled website since the initiation of the boycott.

More on how ARN&R has been cowed into submission by our reduction in revenue from enthusiast boycotts as the story develops!

--JCK

Enthusiast Grassroots Effort Leads to Zamperla Salesmen Retirement, End of Togo Comeback

An overpowering effort led by ACErs Jane Doldrum and Ernie "One Click" Raddish proved to be enough to stop a small group of Japanese investors from bringing Togo back from obscurity and into building high quality roller coasters, which they were well known for from the early 1980s through the mid 1990s.

Doldrum stated that the enthusiast community has had enough of roller coaster manufacturers building rides that they did not care for. In fact, just the week prior, her effort had led two salesmen from Zamperla to retire after they had received piles upon piles of hate mail, as a result of enthusiasts' bonding hatred over the Italian manufacturer's latest roller coaster model, "The Volare." Hate mail packages contained blood stained letters, rubber toy knives, and even an artist's rendering of Ron Toomer nailed to a crucifix made of bent wire hangers.

Officials at Zamperla refused comment while they work with their lawyers on collecting evidence, but we were able to get this comment from ACEr Doldrum: "We cannot go on any longer having parks buy rides like the Volare, when there are so many parks in need of a good airtime filled hyper coaster."

Honaguchi Mitusbishi and his group of investors were set to reintroduce Togo's extremely well received mega coaster line to the amusement industry. In a prepared statement, Mitsubishi stated that "Both Manhattan Express and Viper have proven to be two of the top rated steel coasters in the world, so we felt it only natural to pick up the ball where it was last dropped."

Viper, which debuted at Six Flags Great Adventure in June of 1995, has given millions of rides, but in recent years has only operated on a limited basis. "We have made an agreement with the park to only run the ride on days when we visited with potential clients to get feedback on the ride to see if investing in Togo was a worthwhile avenue to pursue," claimed Mitsubishi. He continued to add, "After getting off of the ride, most of our potential clients claimed to have really enjoyed the experience, but also claimed to have forgotten what they had eaten for lunch that day, or what their daughter's name was. We believed this short term amnesia might last just long enough to get their John Hancock on a contract, and a deposit in our pockets."

Upon hearing the news of Togo re-entering the coaster market with the mega coaster, Raddish came up with a creative and economical way to end the effort. "We simply used the same letterhead and hate mail message text that we sent to Zamperla, and simply changed the address." Over 2000 e-mails and hard copies were sent to Mitsubishi's office, which eventually led to their unconditional surrender and the official end of the Togo resurgence.

"This is a great day for enthusiasts everywhere!" claimed Raddish. "Rides like the Mega Coaster and Volare have no place in parks these days. We need more Terra Terra Terra."

--AJS