Saturday, March 08, 2003

Frontier City Adds Mexican Restaurant

Frontier City, the original Premier-owned park, has for many years lagged behind most of the other parks of the Premier and Six Flags chains, both in upkeep and in new rides. That will all change this year with the opening of ErUPtion, which Frontier City calls a “thrilling and unique Mexican eatery that will dazzle the taste buds and tickle the lower intestines.”

“We really wanted a signature attraction at Frontier City, the flagship of Six Flags Properties,” said the park’s manager, Harlan Boef Sur Le Toit. “ErUPtion will feature steaming platters of refried beans, gristly low-grade Cuban beef, fiery habanero peppers, pungent green and red sauce, sour cream, and mounds of cheese. You better bet there will be some ‘erUPtions’ from the very bowels of our guests after they consume this yummy concoction.”

Boef Sur Le Toit added that the name ‘ErUPtion’ was chosen very carefully. “We thought about calling our signature attraction ‘Ring of Fire,’ ‘Savage Stomach Cramping,’ ‘Los Trots,’ or ‘Violent Anal Hemorrhage,’ but ‘ErUPtion’ seemed to best describe what guests will experience an hour or two after digesting the tasty snacks we offer at this restaurant.”

Six Flags Corporate released a statement to the press indicating that if ErUPtion is a success, Frontier City might just be in line to receive a used trampoline and a tetherball set next season.

--JCK
Drunken Former Vekoma Workers Plan New Coasters, Company

Visibly intoxicated former employees of Vekoma spend a weeknight binge drinking, vomiting copiously, and creating fascinating new rides, say sources close to ARN&R. According to eyewitnesses, fourteen coaster designers and amusement experts who worked for the Dutch company were seen shotgunning malt liquor, mixing Strawberry Boone’s with XO Cognac, and participating in other Bacchanalian atrocities until well past 4AM. The entrepreneurs also made preliminary drawings of several repulsively awful coasters they plan to inflict upon the public.

“Yeah, I thought maybe I’s just maka upa coasser at random this week,” blabbered the near-comatose Zeke Hanson. “I mean, who’s give a rat’s ass anyways cuz no one likes our rides and people hurts they heads on coassers and that guy told on us to the website cuz we drunk.” Hanson showed reporters a crude picture, written in Burnt Siena crayon, of a new flying coaster design that features pincers supporting passengers by the knuckles and scrotum.

After uttering several unprintable obscenities (deleted due to the wholesome family nature of our publications), Hanson added that “maybe I’s make ride that bash heads or cause ear bleeding or put anal probe on. Too bad S&S thought of the crotch bunnies and not me.”

The ex-employees of the universally disliked Vekoma corporation also found time amidst all the St. Ides/Midori/Everclear punch guzzling to officially form their own company after breaking from bankrupt Vekoma. The company will be called KumbaK. The former Vekoma workers expect a titanic lawsuit any second now from Bolliger & Mabillard, who are assumed to be more than mildly peeved by the idea that even one stupid earth dweller might be confused into thinking that the widely praised and innovative B&M megalooper at Busch Gardens Tampa was built by the same imbeciles who foisted the SLC, Boomerang, and Gouderix upon the citizens of the Free World.

ARN&R contacted the ever-reliable and coherent Xfan for his opinions on ex-Vekoma workers being stinking drunk while creating garbage coasters, seeing as this brave soul was the first to uncover widespread intoxicated debauchery throughout the staff at ARN&R. Xfan issued a terse “no comment” on the matter, stating that he was “busy studying for [his] Kindergarten Equivalency Tests.”

Designer Joss Haagenfrau proudly showed off his drunken designs for the evening. Der Übertrachtprugel will, if Haagenfrau’s inebriated sketches can be considered reliable, feature coaster cars which rise to a high peak, then lock into place and tilt into position, after which they plummet face first directly into the ground 200 feet below. Haagenfrau noted that “even more pains would be causing than Mind Erasers.” Immediately prior to blacking out in a puddle of his own excrement, the designer twirled in circles on a table yelling “our little Mikey’s all growns up, our little Mikey’s all growns up!”

--JCK