Sunday, March 09, 2003

Hot Rerun Action

Just to horrify as many people as possible during our slow update period the next couple of weeks, we might as well leave the front page with the most wholesome family value-based article we've churned out recently.

Roller Coaster Tycoon Passes Masturbation As Favorite Enthusiast Leisure-Time Activity

Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.

“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”

Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”

Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”

Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”

The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.


ARN&R On Hiatus, Kind of, Maybe, To a Certain Extent

Attention loyal readers and those who send us hateful missives laden with hysterically awful attempts to make use of our native English tongue! Updates to ARN&R over the next couple of weeks may be infrequent due to the extreme (sorry, Xtrrreeeeemmmmme!) work load being undertaken by both the Supreme Vice Chancellor Overlord of ARN&R Editing Operations and the Chief ARN&R Lieutenant Master Writer Second in Command in the near future. Be assured that we will keep foisting obnoxious articles upon the dismayed American public as much as possible in the upcoming fortnight or so, and will bequeath all of you with an utter onslaught of sassy hijinks at the earliest time we can manage. Thanks for your support and/or hatred.

Er....actually, we lie. We aren't really busy. We've merely been promised extra time in the ARN&R Mansion's hot tub with Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Alba and can't turn it down. See you in a few days if they let us up for air for a few minutes.