Monday, April 21, 2003

Stern Disciplinarian ACE Parent Corrects Child’s Coaster Count

A short but intense argument erupted this afternoon at the Camp Snoopy amusement park in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, when horrified American Coaster Enthusiast and Coaster Zombie member Herb Woladarsky, 33, caught his six-year-old daughter Emily attempting to count the “Li’l Shaver” attraction on her coaster credit list.

The incident in question occurred at approximately 6:35 PM this Sunday. Apparently, the day started like any other day a family of four would expect at an American amusement venue: fun, camaraderie, vomiting bad chili dogs. But then, without warning, tragedy struck. After a laughing and clapping Emily completed a circuit on the Li’l Shaver, a powered Zamperla attraction strongly resembling a regular kiddie coaster, the child called out, “Daddy! This roller coaster was so much fun! Can I ride it again? Please?”

“It was a disgrace to me as an ACE member and as a human being,” a distraught Woladarsky told reporters. “Everyone knows Li’l Shaver is a powered ride, not a true coaster. See how the track features a third rail that electrically moves the cars along the track? That’s not gravity running this thing! It’s so blatantly obvious, even a retarded chimp could tell the difference, but I guess my daughter can’t. I guess I blame myself for not using corporal punishment when she was younger, but I won’t make that mistake again.” Woladarsky then broke down into tears, obviously deeply upset by the tragic events of the day.

Hoping little Emily would yet learn from her terrible mistake, Woladarsky drove her home in silence, then sent her to her room to write 50,000 times, “Zamperla Dragon rides are NOT coasters.” ARN&R representatives noted, however, that Emily appeared to actually be scribbling “stoopid Daddy likes Hercules best” over and over.


[Editor's Note: Make sure your child knows not to count a powered ride on his or her coaster list. Get a silly bib for the tykes or, for your surly louse of a teenager, a t-shirt featuring a picture of a guy pissing all over the new Top Thrill Dragster at our Online Shoppe!]