Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Family To Enthusiast: “Yes, That Is A Vekoma Invertigo On That Best Buy Commercial, Now Shut The F--- Up.”

A recent television commercial for the electronics retailer Best Buy may be informative to most consumers, but for the Ridley family of Boxer Park, Ohio, it’s the stuff that nightmares are made of. Coaster enthusiast Kevin Ridley, 18, feels the need to point out the fleeting glimpse of a Vekoma Invertigo every time the commercial airs, much to the chagrin of the rest of his family.

“Kevin just needs to shut the f--- up,” says Kevin’s 17 year old sister Kaylee. “Every time I’m trying to watch something on the CW, he pokes his goony head into the room when that commercial comes on. ‘That’s Face/Off! Face/Off!’ he’ll yell. And I’m just like, Kevin, please just shut the f---up.”

“I don’t know what we’re going to do with him,” says Kevin’s mother Laurie, 51. “We’ve tried everything from immediately muting the television when the commercial airs and he’s not in the room, quickly changing the channel when he is, and repeatedly telling him to shut the f---up. We even tried TiVoing every show we want to watch, and fast forwarding through the commercials. No luck there, though. He still manages to see that roller coaster, even at 8 times the normal speed. We just can’t get him to shut the f--- up.”

Kevin’s 58-year-old father has several ideas on how to resolve the problem. “I know just how to get him to shut the f--- up,” says Art Ridley, grinding a fist into his palm in the universal sign for one looking forward to violence. “The first thing to go is that computer of his. Normal guys his age look at internet porno and lie about stuff to girls in chat rooms. All Kevin does is look at pictures of closed amusement parks and post on sites featuring poorly written examples of coaster humor.

“If that doesn’t work, I’ll take away his collection of amusement park t-shirts, and burn ‘em all in the Weber grill. Yes, even the ones from Boardwalk and Baseball. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but it’s getting to the point where I’ll do anything to get that kid to shut the f--- up.”

Laurie thinks that her husband may be going too far. “That hopefully won’t be necessary. They’ll eventually stop running that commercial, and then he’ll shut the f--- up.”

But Kevin doesn’t understand what the big deal is. “My sister is just being a b---,” he says. “She’s jealous that I spent Grandma’s Christmas money on a season pass to Paramount’s Kings Island, and she saved hers for something stupid, like prom. And as for my dad sneaking into my room to take my computer and my park shirts? Yeah, my Boba Fett room alarm will make sure that won’t happen.”