Thursday, July 31, 2003

Hersheypark Announces New-for-2004 Attraction: Pony Ride

Following months, and perhaps even years, of speculation, Hersheypark appears ready to announce its new-for-2004 attraction. Although many felt that a new B&M Hypercoaster might be a possibility, later rumors and the proposed footprint seemed to indicate an Intamin Rocket Coaster. Still, no word was forthcoming until the park posted large banners indicating: “Get Ready To Start the Stampede, Something big’s coming to Hersheypark in 2004. Round up your 'pardners' - the secret’s out August 5th at High Noon.”

“That really had us excited,” said ACE member Geoff Baker, 25. “We thought a stampede theme would fit well in the existing area of the park, and the footers seemed to indicate a Rocket ride was likely. We’re just waiting for the official announcement, but we all know what the thing is, and we couldn’t be more pleased.”

Surprising Baker and pretty much every other person remotely interested in Hersheypark or roller coasters in general, it was learned today that the park would indeed not be receiving any Intamin products. Nor, for that matter, would any coaster at all be forthcoming. Instead, the park released a statement through Screamscape to this effect: “There’s a cloud of dust on the Horizon, and when it settles there’s gonna be 10 wild horses in the corral!”

At a press conference later in the day, former VP of Operations Franklin Shearer was trotted out to lend his excitement to the official announcement, and to explain the Screamscape blurb. “We’ve got a real thrill for all you cowboys and cowgirls next year,” he exclaimed. “Get ready to experience the extreme terror and thrills of a real live…Pony Ride!”

Confused enthusiasts initially thought Shearer meant to make a joke, but it turned out to be completely factual. According to the park, guests will wait in a “highly themed atmosphere” while in line, then individual riders will be led into the pony corral. From there, “the Rodeo Technicians will help the rider mount a pony, which will then be led around in a few circles inside the pen, achieving top speeds of over 4 miles per hour.” Guests will then have a wide variety of gift shop products available to commemorate their once-in-lifetime thrill experience: cowboy hats (“management not responsible for the loss of headgear not secured before riding”), T-shirts, onboard ride photos, and cruel leather whips.

Shearer noted that a big launched coaster would be out of place at a family-friendly ride environment such as Hershey’s, and that a fun attraction for the entire family made more sense for everyone involved. He also pointed out that “ponies break down a lot less than Top Thrill Dragster.”

ACE members are already complaining about capacity, with some wondering aloud at the press conference whether 10 of the animals would be enough to keep the potentially huge lines moving. One member pointedly asked Shearer whether there would be any Fifth-Row Ponies made available for “Guests of Larger Than Average Size,” to which Shearer replied that “someone would look into it at some point.”

--JCK
Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Jumps the Shark

Recently, a disturbing number of unflattering comments about the lack of humor being produced lately by ARN&R have been appearing in coaster forums, coaster club gatherings, ARN&R's email inbox, ARN&R's weekly raucous press conference, the New York Times, and, oddly enough, on Iron Chef. Aside from the statements by national humor experts that they “far prefer the Onion,” “declared the entire WEBSITE not funny,” thought “this site sucks,” threatened to sue (yes, it’s true) and strongly disapproved of the continued ARN&R focus on mullets, gravy, Jessica Alba, and enthusiasts wasting loads of time “flogging their thunder dolphins,” there was brought up the troubling question of whether ARN&R had already Jumped the Shark. Sources close to ARN&R report that, sadly indeed, this is true. Pop culture experts are reportedly stunned with the Dark Angel-like swiftness with which the fledgling amusement satire blog committed its Shark Jumping.

At 6:oo PM on Tuesday, July 30th, the intrepid reporter JCK donned a bathing suit, life preserver, water skis, and leather jacket, greased his hair back, smiled, and went roaring across Lake Erie within full view of Cedar Point. Upon reaching full speed, JCK performed a dramatic leap over a large shark inexplicably and ominously located in his way. Landing amid a huge and impressive splash of lake water, JCK turned to his throng of female admirers, holding his thumbs up and saying “Aaaayh!” Most observers believe this pathetic stunt demonstrated the desperation the site has reached in trying to create any humor at all for its mass of literally pairs of eager readers.

“I really don’t see why our website running a promotion where we had one of our writers jump a shark is indicative of failure or a downturn in our blog,” said the Editor-in-Chief. “This was merely a new way to explore and develop a character loved by millions…hundreds…well, some of his friends, anyway. I guess. But the point is, our website is certainly as viable and popular and meaningful as it has ever been.”

The Editor-in-Chief (who requested several times for reporters to address him as Supreme High Admiral without success) then detailed a substantial list of story ideas that would be developed this season on ARN&R. “We’re always looking for ways to stretch our characters and keep the audience on edge,” he said. “So we have a number of plotlines and special tricks in store to keep everything smart and fresh. For instance, we’ll have a number of guest stars. Whitney Houston will come sing for Rick Shroeder and the cast of ARN&R, and Paul Ruben will appear with Nancy Reagan to denounce drug use. We have not received commitment on this, but our casting department informs me that we are about 85% likely to have a spectacular cameo appearance by Charo that features her acting skills and some dancing and singing. I believe she has also recently written a very profound Requiem Mass that should feature prominently in the episode.”

He continued: “And we’ll also have a number of Very Special Articles, including the one where someone gets touched funny by that guy in the back of the shop, and maybe one of the writers has to decide whether to lose his virginity, or perhaps someone gets a really awful grease smear on their rare Boblo Island shirt after riding Raptor in the rain, and it just won’t come out no matter what. We’ve also realized that our current cast is going to need a little help staying fresh and at the forefront of national attention, so we’ll be adding some new writers next week: Cousin Oliver, Godzookie, and Mark Wyatt. And of course we will have a wedding episode to conclude the season. And it might even be a cliffhanger!” The Editor-in-Chief then visibly squirmed with delight in his seat.

Votes have been flying in at the Jump The Shark webpage, as ARN&R haters share their opinions of when they feel the website Jumped the Shark. The most popular votes, aside from the obvious literal jumping of a shark by JC ”The Fonz” K yesterday, were for the following: Gravy Mentioned for First Time(10/6/02), JCK Allowed to Post Articles (approximately 11/8/02), Porn Alluded to for First Time (10/8/02), Jessica Alba Referenced for First Time (12/19/02), and one strange vote for ARN&R Now Locatable Through Google Search for “Suck on Barney Ass Dripping With Vaseline" (approximately 7/29/03).

--JCK

[Editor’s Note: Reports that the jumped shark in question was not a real Lake Erie inhabitant, but in actuality was the not-entirely-convincing mechanical shark from the Jaws attraction at Universal Studios in Orlando, are unconfirmed at this time.]

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Breaking News -- Six Flags Reports Zero Malfunctions On Coasters, Public Shocked

Earlier this morning, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. reported that on Tuesday, July 29th, none of their roller coasters malfunctioned throughout the whole day at any of their theme parks anywhere in the entire world. The general public as well as Six Flags management were understandably very shocked by this unexpected, almost unbelievable, announcement. The SEC immediately announced an investigation into what it termed potential attempts at stock manipulation.

"No trains got stuck upside down. No guests were trapped in ridiculously uncomfortable positions for several hours on a lift hill in the boiling summer heat. No wheels or lap bars came flying off of any coasters in mid-course. Heck, we didn't even have any loose bolts fall off of any coasters and smack any guests on the head. It was actually a very, very boring day," explained Six Flags COO, Gary Story.

Concerned that a lack of high profile roller coaster related malfunctions could considerably reduce the park chain's significant summer media exposure, park management issued a memo to all of their ride operators and park maintenance workers instructing them to "if at all possible, slack off even more than you usually do" and also to "stop paying so much attention to manufacturers' suggested maintenance procedures for roller coasters since they are really only suggestions anyway." Six Flags will also begin distributing cases of beer to ride operators at the start of each shift to facilitate their "relaxation."

In a further effort to increase the probability of newsworthy monumental mishaps, Six Flags quickly ordered seven new Vekoma giant inverted boomerang coasters, four Intamin hydraulically launched coasters, three Premier Rides LIM/LSM shuttle coasters and two S&S/Arrow 4-D coasters for immediate installation at selected Six Flags parks worldwide. The installations will be handled by thirteen-year-olds with severely reduced attention spans.

--JWS
Hollywood Squares to Tape Episodes at Next CoasterCon

Producers of syndicated game show Hollywood Squares announced today that they would record a week's worth of episodes at the next CoasterCon event of the American Coaster Enthusiasts. According to spokeswoman Emily Rankin, the opportunity was too good to pass up.

"You've got fifth-rate celebrities like Timothy Bottoms hanging around these things," said Rankin. "And the crowds eat it up. I suppose for the next one they'll probably get what's-his-name, that dude who was in that really lame movie Thrill back in the '90s...you know, that guy. Sabato...Antonio Sabato Jr., that's it! Yeah, he's had a great career. Can't wait to hear what he has to say about amusement parks."

Rankin said that she was hoping that the show could perhaps book Fabio and Walter Bolliger on the same show, along with Rob Estes (of Melrose Place, reportedly temping as a large chicken character outside a Popeye's Chicken in Indianapolis) dressed up as a large goose. "And maybe Lonny Stevens -- you know, federal agent number one from Rollercoaster -- can show up too!" she added, giggling.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Satan: Hellevator "Just Like Real Elevators in Hell"

In an exclusive interview arranged for ARN&R by Six Flags's public relations department, Satan shared his views of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's drop ride, "Hellevator."

"It's an exciting experience," said the horned one as plumes of smoke billowed around him. "It is very much like riding the elevators in Hell. It is most like the Prudential Death Insurance Building in downtown Hades City, where you are slowly carried up to the top floors and, if you do not get off in the claims adjustment department, you are dropped rapidly to the bottom of the building."

Beezelbub also noted that the Hellevator at SFKK had similar restraints to the elevators in Hell. "I've never quite known why, but our building codes down there require over-the-shoulder restraints for even the mildest of elevators. I guess I understand it for the Prudential Death Insurance Building's elevator, what with the 50-plus miles per hour drop, but most of our elevators are incredibly slow, and yet they require a lengthy boarding process with careful checking of your restraints."

He noted some differences between SFKK's thrill ride and the elevators in Hell. "Well, you know, it is Hell, so we have to do something different. The operators of Hell's elevators generally plunge a corkscrew into your ears prior to releasing the elevator to lift you to your destination. I understand that happens relatively rarely at Kentucky Kingdom, although they do have a much higher incidence of finding tobacco juice on the ride's seats than we do. That stuff's nasty."

Intamin AG, the designer and builder of SFKK's ride, expressed pride at the devil's endorsement. "We used a seance to research elevators in Hell, and we're pleased to know that our detailed analysis paid off. And we're thinking about incorporating that corkscrew idea."
American Coaster Enthusiasts, Mullets Galore Merge Websites

In its latest in a string of unusual policy moves, the American Coaster Enthusiasts today formally merged with the Mullets Galore website. Although the ACE leadership had, in recent months, been kicked out of its offices and forced to relocate in an outhouse, produced a magazine with unwise and insensitive concentration camp "humor," and announced its planned Gravy Exhibit at the National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives, few industry insiders expected that ACE would so quickly ally itself with a website about mullets.

"This is a really brilliant move on the part of the ACE Ruling Council," said ACE Supreme Chancellor for Life Carole Sanderson. "Since we don't have an office, our publications are always tremendously behind schedule, and it takes new members months to receive their cards, we just up and decided that we were taking too much time maintaining our fine ACE website and updating events news three or four times a decade. We felt that a merger with a similar group would alleviate some of our difficulties, and we were lucky enough to find some very willing help in Mullets Galore."

Sanderson added, "Really, the aims of ACE and Mullets Galore are essentially the same. ACE News is always laden with event and wedding photos that prominently feature mullets, while Mullets Galore will use its merger with ACE to garner a tremendously abundant and easy source for hilarious pictures of bad hair: coaster events."

Said Immediate Past Dictator for All Eternity Bill Linkenheimer III, "I'd particularly like to call ACE members' attention to a couple of photos already produced by the synergistic combination of Mullets Galore and ACE Online. If everyone could access the Mullets Galore website, then click on the "classifications" section, they will see a number of pull-down menus of different mullets. By going to Section III, Number 22, ACE members can see a nice photo of a prominent member of the Coaster Preservation Cretins (formerly Coaster Preservation Useless F%*ks). And then please check out Section X, Number 97, to get a great view of a loyal ACE member about to engage in a typical ACE Buffet featuring an entire live hog for each member's consumption."

Linkenheimer also noted, "We're also letting the Mullets Galore website run all the merchandising for ACE in the future, since their 'Fear the Mullet' T-shirts at the online shop are way better than that crap we sell."

--JCK

Sunday, July 27, 2003

Coaster Enthusiasts Witness Most Disgusting Thing Ever

Two members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts yesterday witnessed the single most repulsive thing ever in the history of the human race, sources tell ARN&R. According to eyewitnesses, a man...or perhaps a Cro-Magnon relic or Orc...attempting to board the Gwazi Lion at Busch Gardens Tampa is indeed the pinnacle of yuckitude produced as of yet on this planet.

Said ACE member James Langenkirk, 31, "Darren and I were just minding our own business, wallowing and festering in the 110-degree, 98-percent humidity of the Gwazi Lion line, waiting for the world's slowest ride ops to leisurely check each belt, then leisurely check each bar, then leisurely go have a nice dinner and take a nice big dump, then leisurely wander over to dispatch the trains, when I saw the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed. And I grew up in rural Alabama, so, trust me, I am damn well qualified to speak on horrible things. This...person...came in and..." Here Langenkirk waved his hands in the air, unable to find the words to fully describe the suffering and terror he endured.

His traveling companion Darren Carson, 52, then chimed in. "James alerted me to the unholy monstrosity, and I wish to God he hadn't. We looked over and there was this 350-pound guy with long, stringy, greasy hair and scabby arms and open, weeping sores on his mouth trying to ooze his Orca-like bulk into the Lion train. It was all I could do not to gag right then and there, but then James pointed out his T-shirt, which said 'PETTING ZOO' and had a huge arrow pointing down at his crotch. Oh, the humanity."

Carson added, "excuse me, but I need to run to those bushes over there. Just talking about it is gonna make me puke."

While Carson was busy with his copious vomiting, Langenkirk told ARN&R that his friend had "screamed like a little girl" in terror when he saw the T-shirt, and it had taken paramedics fourteen minutes to revive him with smelling salts and intravenous fluids after he passed out. Carson refused to confirm or deny these statements, claiming that he "sort of blanked most of the day out after it happened."

The disgusting guy on Gwazi Lion told ARN&R that he planned to arrive at the park the next day with a T-shirt that says "How about a 68 position? That means you do me and I owe you 1!" Upon overhearing this unfortunate news, Carson resumed his explosive ralphing.

--JCK
Intamin In Negotiations To Purchase Kia Motors

Swiss thrill ride manufacturer, Intamin AG, has recently been negotiating with Hyundai Motors to purchase Korean automobile manufacturer, Kia Motors, a subsidiary of Hyundai. Intamin hopes to acquire Kia in order to diversify their product portfolio, which currently includes roller coasters, water rides, spinning flat rides and an electronics department dedicated to supplying, configuring and servicing the control systems that operate those rides. Intamin also hopes that sharing technologies between the two companies will help both companies to grow exponentially into bigger, even more successful, corporations.

Here is what Sandor Kernacs, president of Intamin, had to say to ARN&R about Intamin's proposed acquisition during a recent exclusive interview:

"We don't want all of Intamin's chickens to be in one cradle. In this day and age, heterogeneity is the key to success and prosperity. We here at Intamin truly believe that diversifying our product offerings and adding commodities with proven records of high quality and extreme reliability to our portfolio will only enhance our presence in the world marketplace. It's clearly a win-win situation for Intamin and for Kia."

Kernacs went on to discuss some striking similarities between the two successful companies. He keenly noted how any major new Intamin roller coaster installation is just as reliable as any brand new Kia automobile. He also noted that the technology and parts used to manufacture an automatic transmission for a Kia Spectra are exactly the same parts that were used to construct the hydraulic launch mechanism for Intamin's Top Thrill Dragster roller coaster at Cedar Point. Kernacs further noted that all of both companies' products come with a ten year/100,000 mile bumper-to-bumper warranty and three year/36,000 mile unlimited roadside assistance. Finally, Kernacs very astutely pointed out that the only two vowels in Kia are 'i' and 'a', and the only two vowels in Intamin are 'i' and 'a'.

Intamin expects to make a formal offer for Kia Motors within the next several weeks. In the meantime, in order to avoid having "all of Intamin's chickens in one cradle," the company is exploring other tantalizing takeover opportunities including plans to purchase telecommunications giant, MCI/Worldcom and Major League Baseball team, The Detroit Tigers, both proven winners according to Kernacs.

--JWS

Friday, July 25, 2003

Enthusiast Disease Discovered, Named

The Journal of the American Medical Association published the results of a study that identifies and, for the first time, names a newly-discovered disease afflicting many in the coaster enthusiast community.

Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III of the Mayo Clinic has studied social disorders for the past several years, doing much of his field studies at ACE events.

"Font of Useless Knowledge Syndrome," or "FUKS," is a disease that strikes certain areas of the population, rendering them socially intolerable.

"What we have here is a classic case of someone knowing so many details about a trivial matter that they cannot cope with normal people not knowing what they consider obvious facts." explains Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "The advent of the Internet seems to have allowed this syndrome to thrive." Symptoms include acne, pale skin, and the inability to spell the word 'definitely.' FUKS severely hampers social skills in its victims, rendering them incapable of basic social graces such as introducing themselves with real names, shaking hands without drooling, and speaking without using acronyms repeatedly in their sentences.

Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III has developed a six-week treatment program to counteract this terrible affliction. "First, we encourage our patients to engage in conversations about things like the weather. We deny them Internet access and forbid message board and instant-messaging capability. A remedial dating class, successful in treating developmentally challenged people, has proved successful in treating FUKS sufferers as well. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to see that these people get a f*cking life."

--MMS

Thursday, July 24, 2003

First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Excellence in Narcissism Award Presented Today

As many as two people came to the AbsolutelyReliable Rose Garden and Sculpture Walkway in Washington, DC today, in order to view the hated-by-dozens website's First Annual Excellence in Narcissim Award presentation. The recipient was a Mr. Gordon Beeferman.

"Mr. Beeferman was the logical choice for this exceptional award," said the Editor-in-Chief. "One of our writers made up this wacky story about a petting zoo goat running amok at Wild Adventures park, and one of the names appearing for a completely made-up and utterly nonsensical character was 'Gordon Beeferman.' We never would have thought about it again, except this real guy named 'Gordon Beeferman' actually assumed we were talking about him. Sheesh, what an ego!"

ARN&R has obtained an exclusive copy of the email from this Mr. Beeferman, who perhaps was unconcerned with our disclaimer on the webpage that states we can use anything people send to us in any fashion we want:

Subject: where

> did you get my name and why are you using it in your website
articles?


"Initially, ARN&R was concerned that there was, somehow, by some astounding coincidence, an actual 'Gordon Beeferman' who worked for PETA, and we'd be forced to change the story," said the writer JCK. "So we called up PETA to check and see about whether he worked there, and they laughed at us and said, 'Beeferman? But I hardly even know 'er, man!' It turns out the guy who wrote to us is a classical composer with a website, and is obviously not the guy we're talking about. That takes some cojones to assume that you are the only person in the history of the planet Earth to ever have the name Gordon Beeferman and write in to us, so we had to create this award for the boy."

Sources tell ARN&R that every other real person who has a name correlate by accident with any name ever used within the website-- particularly Jack Meoff, Buster Hyman, and Mike Hunt-- is also quite upset with ARN&R and will be joining forces with Beeferman to frighten ARN&R staff members with recordings of Sonata Bombastica and Now No One Will Listen to Songs in an effort to force our writers to use only names that could not conceivably also belong coincidentally to any other human born since records have been kept.

"My next story will feature a character named Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III," said ARN&R writer MMS. "My extensive research tells me that we are less likely to get irritated emails by using names like this instead of, say, 'John Smith,' or perhaps 'George W. Bush.'"

The Editor-in-Chief noted that "the review about how the 'program appears to be a spontaneous creation by the artists who probe into unlit corners and explore an underworld of sound filled with foreboding warnings of doom' has me pretty creeped out. I will demand that our writers use the name 'Gordo Porkerman' instead of 'Gordon Beeferman' in all further posts, so that we don't have to experience any of this 'probing into unlit corners' ourselves."

--JCK

[Author's Note: We are assuming Mr. Beeferman should be thankful that this article has appeared, as it is sure to increase hits to his website by at least 2 or 3 curious people who linked over from ARN&R.]

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Dutch Wonderland Outed

Dutch Wonderland Family Amusement Park located near Lancaster, Pennsylvania was officially outed yesterday on the E! Entertainment Television Web site. It has been rumored for years that the park might be hiding its true sexual orientation in order to maintain its family image, but the park has continuously denied these accusations and insisted that it is really "just very happy, but definitely not gay."

However, when E! reporters spotted Dutch Wonderland recently, at a Cher concert, holding hands with The Enchanted Forest (of Turner, Oregon) and singing I Got You Babe as the two parks gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, there was no denying that Dutch Wonderland is, in fact, very very gay. Upon being confronted by E! reporters, Dutch Wonderland immediately burst into tears and ran out of the concert without even waiting for the encore, which any Cher fan will tell you, is the most fab part of the show and absolutely should not be missed no matter what.

"He ran straight to his fuchsia colored convertible Volkswagen Beetle screaming all the way in a very lispy voice 'I just want to be happy, oh please just let me be happy,'" a witness said.

ACE member, Barney Kugler, was not at all surprised by the park's recent outing. "I've been posting for years to every rollercoaster and amusement park newsgroup that I could find that Dutch Wonderland is the gayest park I've ever been to," said Barney. "I mean, come on, it has a roller coaster named 'Sky Princess' and a boat ride named 'The Lady Gay River Boat.' How much more proof do you need? Oh yeah, Cedar Point and Magic Mountain are way gay too."

Park guest, Sandy Maplethorpe, also sensed something was a little swishy with Dutch Wonderland during a recent visit to the park. "Of course I had my suspicions," said Sandy. "The park is just packed full of 'fairy' tale characters and its mascots are a 'fairy' princess and a purple dragon, for crying out loud. A purple dragon? You can't get much gayer than that."

Dutch Wonderland could not immediately be reached for comment, but the park's mother, Hersheypark, issued a statement begging the public not to rush to judgment against her son. "He's such a sweet boy. So what if he's just a little bit gay? It's probably just a phase he's going through, or maybe he was just experimenting. Please, just wait until you have all of the facts before you condemn my sweet sweet boy," pleaded Mrs. Hersheypark.

In related news, nineteen-year-old Phish fan Ben Connolly of St. Paul, Minnesota, stated that "Valleyfair was totally baked when they designed that new coaster, dude."

--JWS

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Cedar Point Adds All-You-Can-Eat Buffet To Top Thrill Dragster Queue

Trying to capitalize on the absolutely insane amount of time that Cedar Point guests will actually wait in line to ride Top Thrill Dragster, and in an effort to avoid having park patrons pass out from lack of nourishment while they wait for up to eight hours in said line, Cedar Point proudly introduced the all new 'Top Swill Snackster All-You-Can-Eat Buffet' this past Monday, July 21st.

While waiting in line for Top Thrill Dragster, park guests will now have the opportunity to purchase a plate and pile it high over and over again with goodies from the rows and rows of buffet tables that weave up and down each wakway throughout the entire Top Thrill Dragster queue.

Buffet selections currently include mountains of country-fried chicken, steak and ham, mashed potatoes, baked beans, string beans, corn-on-the-cob, rivers of beef and chicken flavored gravy, plenty of dinner rolls and so much more. A full selection of desserts including puddings, pies and cakes are also available for an extra charge. Need a soft drink to wash it all down? No problem, soft drinks are available too.

"This is just what we needed to complete the Top Thrill Dragster line experience," said Cedar Point general manager, Daniel Keller. "Now guests will never have to leave the Top Thrill Dragster line again except when they want to take a Top Thrill Dragster bathroom break. We here at Cedar Point are very excited about this new addition to the park and judging by how many vats of gravy we've gone through in the past three days, coaster lovers must be excited about it too," added Keller. "We've been having some trouble with the soda fountain's technology -- Intamin made it, you see -- but that'll be worked out shortly, we're sure of it."

Coaster enthusiasts around the country couldn't be happier. American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) member Frank Lunder summed it all up pretty well when he mumbled, in between platefuls of fried chicken and mashed potatoes, with beef gravy drizzling down both of his chins, "Mmmm, coaster good... gravy better."

'Top Swill Snackster' is now open daily at Cedar Point from 11:00 a.m. until 8:00 p.m. The cost is $15.95 per person. Add an additional $4.00 per person if you also would like unlimited soft drinks and desserts.

--JWS

Monday, July 21, 2003

Headquarters Accommodations for ACE CoasterCon Chosen

Among the most exciting announcements made each year by the American Coaster Enthusiasts are the location of the host parks for a CoasterCon, provided the previous year, and the actual dates of the Con, often sent to members as much as several minutes before the event begins. In recent years, an added bonus thrill has been produced with the listing of accommodations offered to ACE members in the vicinity of a big national event. At a press conference this morning, the ACE Executive Junta proved itself really ‘on the ball’ by announcing the headquarters hotel for the entire 2004 CoasterCon: the Valley Rest Inn in New Lebanon, New York.

Scheduled for next June 20-25, the Con had many ACE members worried, as housing in the vicinity of Cedar Point, one of the host parks, can be expensive and hard to find during the summer.

“Thank goodness they got this one rolling so fast,” said member Peter Gibbons, 33. “I was worried about getting stuck somewhere really expensive or located too far from the [exclusive ride time]. Now, I know that ACE members will pay only 52 to 82 dollars a night at the lovely Valley Rest Motel, as long as we book within the next month.”

“We’re always looking to help out our members with great discounts and convenient locations for the headquarters hotel,” said ACE Interim Vice Dictator for Life Mark Cole. “Everyone remembers how cheap and convenient it was to stay at that wonderful hotel an hour and a half from either park at the California Con that Helen Hunt wouldn’t come to. And we made sure to get the most expensive hotel near Hersheypark and get a reduced rate that’s pretty much exactly the same as the regular rate, while enterprising ACE members not mentioning their club affiliation found decent accommodations all over the area. Next year promises to be even more spectacular than those kick-ass experiences!”

Cole then dramatically unveiled the photo of the Valley Rest Inn and spoke on: “Located only nine and a half hours one way from Sandusky, the Valley Rest will be the location of our ACE General Store, video and photo contests, speakers, and luxurious banquet, all to be held in the uneven dirt parking lot of the motel. Valley Rest has fourteen rooms. This might seem like very few rooms, but since we’ve been using that eCRIBB roommate request forum at the ACE website, we’ve realized just how many unwashed, rambling freaks want to room with each other at events since they have no friends to take along…we’ll just throw thirty or forty of these slobs in one room together and give ‘em a chance to breed!”

Valley Rest Motel owner Samir Nayeenanajar noted that he was pleased at getting this conference business, since “the only people who normally use the motel are heroin junkies and truckers looking to bang a hooker real quick before getting back on the road.” He went on to say, “each room provides a great variety of unusual wildlife not seen in typical hotels…ACE members will be amazed by our giant spiders, caterpillars, flies, gnats, fist-sized mosquitoes, and rats. Also, the varieties of fungus cultivated in the showers, toilets, floor, and bed sheets by our master maid-scientists are expected to amaze these coaster lovers more than any ride designed by Intamin. Our staff will ‘pre-obliterate’ all the commodes before ACErs arrive so as to demonstrate the strength of our porcelain. And the towels have that all-natural ‘not laundered after their last use by a herpes-infected crack whore’ appeal. Please note that ice will be two dollars per bag, we don’t have a night manager available for check-in after 11:OO PM, the windows have no locks, and there is only refreshing freezing cold water in the bathrooms, all for your safety and convenience. Plus, our entire staff, male and female, have mullets, which will make the ACE members feel right at home, and there are superb crystal meth dealers and butt-ugly dollar-whores in the vicinity.”

Cole gave ACE members a stern talking-to during his speech. “We hear lots of complaining about accommodations,” he said sternly. “However, we assure members we always do the absolute best we can to make their Con more fun and financially feasible, and we will tolerate no complaints and bitchings from our surly underlings…er…ACE members. This is the best location we could find at a decent price, so don’t even think of whining to us about stepping in a puddle of trucker semen, having difficulties flushing the giant turd the maid left in your toilet, or having the huge spiders in your room cocoon you alive and gradually feed off your bodily juices over a period of several weeks.”

Cole concluded with the following: “ACE members staying at the Valley Rest Motel should, of course, receive a number of important inoculations before staying at our headquarters hotel…we recommend shots or preparatory treatment kits for Malaria, Typhus, Crotch Rot, Crabs, Rabies, Dysentery, Ringworm, and Giant Parasitic Worms Crawling Up Your Butt and Spawning Flesh-Eating Larvae.”

--JCK

[Author’s Note: Interestingly, a motel website for the New Lebanon area lists the ACE Headquarters Hotel, Valley Rest, along with numerous others on a page for, and we quote:

CLEAN ... SAFE LODGING AT "AFFORDABLE" PRICES.

For those of you unfamiliar with the English language, this actually means that lodging is available at ‘so-called affordable’ prices, meaning it is not affordable at all. Although, in that case, perhaps it would be more factually correct to have the listing as follows: “Clean” “Safe” “Lodging” at “Affordable” Prices.]

It's Official: Some People Like Robb Alvey and Elissa White, Some Don't

Thanks to all of the incredibly gifted and brilliant minds over at rec.roller-coaster, the roller coaster enthusiast world will no longer have to wonder about one of the most intriguing mysteries of all time. For it has been solved.

After months and months of debate and thread after hate-spewing thread of useless, inane chatter and childish name calling, it can now safely and assuredly be said that some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.

Experts poured over the evidence for month after agonizing month looking for the answer to this puzzling perplexity. They painstakingly analyzed post after post, thread after thread, message after message looking for clues to guide them along in their quest for this supreme knowledge. They interviewed hundreds of witnesses dozens of times each. They watched hour after hour of roller coaster POV video footage and studied countless incidents of wild and wacky antics between Robb, Elissa and their 'so-called' fiends. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the experts reached a startling consensus on this ever so important issue. Some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.

Expert on everything and frequent rec.roller-coaster poster, Marvin Jacobson, had this to say about the oh-so-surprising recent revelation:

"I already knew that. It's really just a matter of simple mathematics. Flip a coin 100 times and, on average, it'll land on heads 50 times and on tails 50 times unless you have some super mind control power that allows you to control how the coin will land, like I have. But, if you aren't gifted with mind control like me, then half the time you'll get one result and the other half you'll get another result. Although, I guess there is also a slim possibility that the coin could land sideways on its edge. Yeah, I guess that could happen too. Or, possibly, you might flip the coin up so high that it would leave the gravitational pull of the Earth and just keep flipping around forever never landing on heads or tails. I guess that could also happen. But, anyway, what were we talking about?"

Experts around the world are quite relieved that this dilemma has finally been resolved. Now, they can move on and concentrate on solving some more of the important mysteries of life like which is the best digital camera, does Six Flags America management sit around all day watching BET, and is Justin gay, or is he just a really sexy bitch?

--JWS

Sunday, July 20, 2003

More Wacky Fun With Search Engines

Every now and again we do enjoy examining exactly who comes to visit our site and how on earth they got there. (There is no known scientific method for determining why, in the name of all that is holy, some of them actually even come back, but there are indeed a handful of these desperate souls.) Of late, the following searches have led unlucky folks to the hallowed halls of ARN&R:

Denise Richards Scratching Herself

How fortunate it is that we thought to make fun of people looking online for bizarre celebrity behavior months ago, and managed to include a phrase that someone (who we are more than a little frightened of) actually typed into Google! Welcome, O Strange Human With Really Weird Fetish Interests!

Kristen Kreuk naked

Sorry, young perverts! We have no photographs of the comely young star of Smallville and the AbsolutelyReliable hot tub here. But thanks for experiencing our website devoted to satirizing coaster enthusiasts and the amusement industry. It's basically the same thing! Oh, and to save you a little trouble next time, you should be aware that there are no pictures of Kristen Kreuk naked. Uh...not that we checked or anything. We...um...uh...some friend told us or something.

Jessica Alba belching

Ah yes. The classic. This one's been popping up for months. We admit it. You have us baffled. Anyone care to write in and explain why so many people wish to see Jessica Alba belching?


Friday, July 18, 2003

Paramount Executives Baffled By Online Survey Responses

The results of an online survey, sponsored by Paramount Parks, designed to give Paramount executives some idea of the types of rides and attractions that guests would like to see at Paramount's theme parks are beginning to pour in. Paramount executives have been quite shocked by the survey responses so far, to say the least.

Execs have been puzzled by the survey responses from start to finish beginning with the very first set of questions that asks users to rate leisure time activities on a scale of 'extreme dislike' to 'extreme like.' It seems that most survey respondents 'extremely like' 'going to a restaurant', 'playing home video games', 'visiting a theme park' and 'sleeping.'

Other activities, however, are getting nothing but 'extreme dislike' rankings by survey respondents. Activities like 'spending time with friends', 'going to a friend's house', 'hanging out with boyfriend/girlfriend', 'going to a party', 'playing sports', 'going on a date' and 'working' apparently don't rate at all with Paramount guests. Paramount execs are beginning to worry that all of their theme park guests are anti-social introverts with low self-esteem and no friends.

Also somewhat surprisingly, the activity rated 'least liked' by survey takers thus far is 'exercising/working out.' Paramount execs were also very stunned to learn that many survey respondents 'would rather stay indoors than go out.' Execs had assumed that most guests must like exercising since they most likely spend a lot of time walking around in theme parks and they must enjoy getting outside so that they can visit theme parks.

The shock did not end there though. Paramount execs were further astonished to learn that, when asked 'what would you like to see at Paramount Parks', most survey respondents answered that they would like to see 'more buffet style restaurants with lots of free gravy', 'much, much longer seat belts on roller coasters and drop rides that will hold bigger people in' and 'more pretty girl ride attendants with big hooters.' Execs had incorrectly assumed that most guests would probably like to see an expensive new thrill ride or a fancy new pyrotechnics laden show.

Paramount execs were just about floored to learn that survey respondents felt that theme park attendance has dropped off over the past few years because of 'Rockford Files reruns on TV-Land' and 'an increase in broadband access for coaster enthusiasts resulting in increased masturbation time.' Execs did not know how to react to those responses at all.

Finally, execs were just flabbergasted after reading responses to what survey respondents felt that theme parks could do in order to get people back to the parks. Respondents overwhelmingly answered 'only build roller coasters from now on', 'offer ACE members more free stuff and more ERT', 'don't let those bastard general public people in so much' and 'MORE FREE GRAVY! I already told you that!'

Obviously, Paramount execs are beginning to feel that their survey has been an incredible waste of time and money.

ARN&R reporters keenly noted that the Paramount Parks survey responses started trending this way shortly after a link to the online survey appeared in a thread on rec.roller-coaster. Coaster enthusiasts around the world continue to discredit any connection between the two events and insist that it is all purely one big coincidence, as they fully and accurately reflect the views of every right-thinking person everywhere.

--JWS
ARN&R Editor to be Flogged After Two-Week Trip Yields No New Coaster Credits

ARN&R's Dictator for Life today announced that he would voluntarily submit to a five-minute flogging after a two-week vacation resulted in only one coaster ridden. "I was in Northern California for two weeks and failed to visit a single major amusement park, despite the fact that I have never been to Six Flags Marine World, Bonfante Gardens, or Parmount's Great America. My single evening at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk is admittedly pathetic," he said in an interview. "I suck," he added.

Reports indicate that Bonfante Gardens was on the planned itinerary but, in a stunning confusion of priorities, the editor chose to remain at a Monterey playground with his children, considering their obvious delight in the genuine locomotive there to somehow be more important than driving an hour for a park that his children might or might not enjoy.

"It's amazing," said ACE Grand Princess for All Eternity Carole Sanderson. "How he could possibly put something like the sheer enjoyment of free time on a sunny afternoon in a playground over a chance to get on a coaster -- and with those kids in tow, I bet he could get on all the kiddie rides too -- is beyond me. We'll be kicking him out promptly." Sanderson expressed similar disgust with the decision to visit the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, a San Francisco Giants game, and the Bay Area Discovery Center. "Art? Sports? Educational children's activities? Pshaw," she said with contempt.

Exclusive investigative reporting has revealed that, while at the Beach Boardwalk, the editor failed to even ride either of the coasters present besides the Giant Dipper, even though he could have ridden the kiddie coaster with his four-year-old who, showing a similar lack of judgment, asked for another ride on the Pirate Ship instead of the roller coaster.

The four-year-old has been banned from ACE membership for life.
ACE General Store to Offer Muumuu

Exciting news reached coaster enthusiasts this evening, as the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) Executive Committee approved the sale of muumuus at the ACE Online General Store.

"Today is a great day for the members of our organization," stated ACE Imperious Master Overlord for Life Carole Sanderson. Showing off sketches of the new product with a laser pointer and large glossy poster, Sanderson pointed out the typical ACE logo seen on other products, such as t-shirts and jackets. Naturally, for products this large, the logo is decidedly more ample than the one seen on other products. Said Sanderson, "We expect these things to sell in the millions. I've been to every ACE event for free the last several years, and, believe me, the stunning amount of buffet obliteration I've seen ACErs commit has convinced me that the sale of official muumuus is the surest way to get us enough money for our Gravy Museum and Archives."

Promotions Director Lee Colletti gave reporters further details. "We've been selling XL-sized shirts for years, then with the addition of various dripping foods on sticks and the emergence of Deep Fried Oreos in recent years, we upgraded to XXL. But that could not contain the Jabba-like mounds of raw flesh created by the All-U-Can-Eat Suet, Buckets O' Hamburger, and metric assloads of gravy being consumed at the feeding frenzies known as 'ACE Picnics.' The muumuu was our only choice. Now any ACE member can look stylish and sexy, while also supporting their great organization, in our sleek line of muumuus."

Colletti went on to say that "we will start by featuring the muumuus in garish, hard-to-miss colors such as Dayglo Pink, Neon Orange, Paisley, Chrome, and, of course, Bright Fuchsia. After all, who wouldn't be damn proud to show off such a great enthusiast garment after gorging on the whole cow at Wild Adventures? And won't the muumuus look great flapping away in the breeze as their owners ride inverted coasters like Raptor and Talon?"

Colletti also noted that "there are a few naysayers who worry that ACE members wearing those bright purple muumuus will be referred to as 'Grimace' or 'Barney,' but that's really just silly, unprovoked speculation."

Sanderson concluded the discussion by mentioning that ACE has plans for even more exciting, original merchandise with the ACE logo attached. Among those mentioned were ACE codpieces, ACE jock straps, ACE kilts, and ACE Vaseline.

--JCK

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Six Flags America Guests Stranded On Tilt-A-Whirl For Two Hours

On Monday, July 14th, sixteen guests at Six Flags America in Largo, Maryland, were left stranded for over two hours on "The Tilt," a Sellner Manufacturing Company Tilt-A-Whirl ride, until local police and fire department rescue personnel arrived and freed the terrified guests.

The horror started shortly after two o'clock in the afternoon when a power surge caused the ride to malfunction during mid-cycle.

"The ride just stopped right in the middle, way before it should have. I could tell that something awful had happened, but there was nothing at all that I could have done to prevent it," sobbed Six Flags America ride operator, Gary Limberger.

After the power disruption, riders were left stranded in their Tilt-A-Whirl cars, most of them uncomfortably reclined at nearly twenty-five degree angles. The cars continued to roll around for a few seconds after the ride stopped causing at least two riders to become extremely nauseated.

Other riders, realizing that something had definitely gone frighteningly wrong, began to moan and cry hysterically. One guest went so far as to carve his last will-and-testament onto the seat back of the ride car with his girlfriend's nail file because he was unsure if he would make it out of the disaster alive.

After almost twenty-three minutes, Six Flags employees were finally able to reach the guests that were trapped on the terrorizing Tilt-A-Whirl. Employees did their best to console the petrified park patrons during their agonizing two-hour ordeal.

"We brought them fancy French bottled water and foot-long hot dogs," said Janet Porter, vice-president and general manager of the park. "We also offered inexpensive manicures to the women and half-priced massaging foot baths to the men in order to ease their suffering," continued Porter.

After countless unsuccessful attempts by Six Flags maintenance workers to either restart the ride or release the ride's lap-bar restraints, local police and fire department officials were summoned to the scene. Using the jaws-of-life, fire department rescue workers were able to pry open the restraints and free the near panic-stricken park-goers.

Rattled guests were so ecstatic to finally be freed from the dreadful ride that several of them kneeled down and actually kissed the ground, while many others headed straight to nearby pay phones to phone their loved ones or attorneys.

One rescued guest was overheard muttering to her friend, "I will never ever ride a Tilt-A-Whirl again no matter how long I live, at least not in this s*%#-hole park!"

When ARN&R reporters asked Porter why park employees didn't just pull up on the Tilt-A-Whirl lap-bars to free the trapped guests since the ride's lap-bars do not even lock in the first place, Janet replied, "Uh... well... um... Look! Over there! It's Jessica Alba! She's naked, and she's belching!"

As we quickly turned to try to catch a glimpse of a naked, belching Jessica Alba, Porter disappeared down a storm drain and could not be found for further comment.

--JWS

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

CoasterBuzz Club to Formalize Hazing, Add Branding; New Slogan Also Announced

In a widely-distributed press release, CoasterBuzz announced today that its successful club will formalize its already well-established brutal hazing practices as well as add branding of new members.

New members will now undergo a five-day hazing ritual complete with portly robed elder members slapping them repeatedly (with frequent breaks for the elders to catch their breath), forced gravy chugging, and wrapping up new members in twin-bed sheets (all too commonly available amongst members) and soaking them in Kool-Aid. "We might work on that last ritual. It sorta sucks," said owner Jeff Putz. "Maybe some of the frats at Ohio State have some ideas for us."

Additionally, new members will, at the end of the five-day ritual, receive a five-inch-diameter brand on their left buttock. According to Putz, the brand will replace the Club's membership card for admission to events. "It's a lot easier for us -- because, really, who's going to forget to bring their ass to an event?" The branding, performed with a red-hot cattle brand at the Club's events, will be included for free with membership.

In related news, CoasterBuzz announced its new slogan: "People Like It Here Because We're Funnier and Smarter Than They Are."

In an enormous en masse interview, a group made up of every member who spends an inordinate amount of time posting inordinately long messages all dedicated to how cool they are stated that the slogan simply reflects reality. "We are funnier and smarter than the people at every other enthusiast site," said the group of inordinate users in unison. "People like us. On this site, anyway; elsewhere, not so much. All those who are not us should bow down and not seek to engage us in debate, because, as we may have mentioned, we are funnier and smarter than they are."

The new members' brand will have the new slogan, slightly modified to read: "I like it at CoasterBuzz because they are funnier and smarter than I am. Love me. Please, love me. No, really. I could use a hug."
Enthusiast Getting Really Tired of Childish Travelling Partners

William Goodwin, 35-year-old coaster enthusiast from Omaha, Nebraska, is really fed up with the immature antics of his travelling buddies, sources tell ARN&R. The other men, Dave Branson, Wayne Washington, and Paul Redford, are all in their mid-thirties, yet they persist in behavior that Goodwin deems "really stupid."

"I do love these dudes," said Goodwin. "I've known them for years and they've been good friends. But I just don't know that I can ever go on another trip with them. It's like having three bratty kids in the hotel room and the car. Actually, bratty kids would be better, because you can threaten to take away their sugary snacks, but these guys are bigger than me, so that kind of threat doesn't really work."

Goodwin catalogued a series of irritations he had been subjected to on his latest vacation with his coaster buddies, this one through Indiana, Kentucky, and Ohio. "The farting contests got old real quick. And that thing where they hold out their hand in this particular shape, and then if you look at it you get punched? Yeah, that was fun once...in second grade. And it's just flat out gross the way they scam on those high school girls running the coasters. Oh, and the in-car food fights are also a small problem, seeing as I prefer not to have my nice pants and white dress shirts coated in grease and ketchup most of the time. Oh! And they always think it's cute to rearrange all the pictures and furniture in the hotel room! Augh!"

The final straw seemed to come with the way his friends "have to be immature about every sign or ride name they ever see." Says Goodwin, "they are incapable of calling Cornball Express by its real name. They always have to call it 'Cornhole Express.' And signs for 'Parking in Rear' are always enough to get them cackling. The worst was when we passed a sign for some recreation area called 'Big Bone Lick' between Louisville and Cincinatti. I have no idea what's so funny about that name, but they almost had a seizure when they saw it. I guess being mature is a little more difficult for some than for others."

Goodwin concluded by stating that he would continue to spend some time with his friends, but they would have to "giggle unceasingly about 'the Whizzer' and 'ThrustAir' without [him]."

--JCK

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Eric Roberts signs on to Best of the Beast

Alex Grady is back - or will be in the summer of 2005. ARN&R has exclusive information that Paramount pictures has signed Eric Roberts to do a third installment of the Showtime staple Best of the Best series, this one set in Paramount's Kings Island theme park.

Roberts, a known coaster enthusiast who made his mark in the film industry with hits such as Star 80 and The Coca Cola Kid, had a minor straight-to-cable hit with the martial-arts themed movies Best of the Best I and II. "I was riding Son of Beast when inspiration struck me on the mid-course brake run: 'this is the best of the beast' - a few phone calls later we were in pre-production for the most XTreme summer blockbuster of 2005!"

Paramount pictures promises the same martial-arts thrills as I & II, and also guarantees that Eric Roberts will cry in at least one scene to keep up the tradition of his performances in BotB I & II.

"We are just thankful that we will have a new movie to worship instead of that piece of crap Rollercoaster." said an anonymous ACE member. "I'm tired of kissing Timothy Bottoms's ass to get him to come to our events." Calls to ACE to see when enthusiasts could get ERT by attending the filming went unanswered.

-MMS

Friday, July 11, 2003

Lake Placid Event Surprises and Thrills ACE Members

According to the New England Dispatch, the regional newsletter for the New England members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the Great Escape park in "Lake Placid," New York will likely host an event this summer. While somewhat surprising, since there are no coasters in Lake Placid and the only current Great Escape park is in Lake George, the news has been warmly greeted by members of the coaster organization.

"This is gonna rock," said Bert Feelyhands, 24. "I bet we get [exclusive ride time] on some of those cool Winter Olympics things like the luge run and some ski slopes and maybe we can even show off our ice dancing moves. I wonder how much it'll cost to get all the snow and ice going in the 95-degree weather though. Well, heck on a stick, that ain't my concern. That's why we've got event planners."

Feelyhands added that he hopes Lake Placid is installing a secret coaster that only the New England region knows about. "That would explain why we'd have an event at a place with no apparent coasters, right?"

A few party poopers failed to experience wonderment and amazement at the announcement of the possible event. Says Douglas Tallywacker, 50, "isn't Lake Placid where the giant crocodile was chasing around Bridget Fonda and that crap actor who played the President in Independence Day [Ed. note: Bill Pullman]? I'm sure not going to any Getting Eaten Alive by Giant Crocodile ERT."

According to reliable sources, ACE regional events will also be taking place in Calgary, Alberta; Park City, Utah; Albertville, France; Lillehammer, Norway; and Nagano, Japan in the near future.

--JCK

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Britney Spears Admits: “I Rode Timberwolf”

For years, pop slut…er, princess…Britney Spears has insisted that, despite her whorish onstage and video shenanigans, she is a virgin who intends to remain unsullied until her wedding day. Although many in the media refused to take Spears’s claims that she had, in her words, “not been deflowerized,” we at ARN&R were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now, however, Spears has spilled the news: she has ridden throbbing piles of wood, and ridden those throbbing piles of wood long and hard.

In the pages of W magazine, Spears finally admitted the full extent of her sexual relationship with the woodie Timberwolf, located at Worlds of Fun. “I loved riding that woodie,” Spears said. "I have only ridden one long, rough woodie, and it was Timberwolf. I only did that because I thought it was ‘the one.’ Of course, after reading amusement park reviews online at Coasterglobe and Thrillride and Coasterbuzz, I now am aware that Timberwolf is not only not ‘the one,’ it’s more like ‘the three hundredth.’ But I was a young, chaste Catholic schoolgirl, so what did I know?”

Spears told reporters that she would not have divulged any of this information about her sordid life, but Timberwolf had gone on TV with Barbara Walters to make fun of her for throwing her hands in the air and shrieking while riding its thunderously powerful mass of pressurized pine, then moaning contentedly as the afterglow of a long, violent ride subsided and she pulled into the station.

"The most painful thing I've ever experienced was my breakup with Timberwolf," Spears says in W. "We were together so long and I had this vision. You think you're going to spend the rest of your life together. Where I come from, the woman is the homemaker, and that's how I was brought up--you cook for your kids. But now I realize I need my single time. There are other greased, slick rails I need to slide down, more thick slabs of wood I need to bounce up and down on, and far more airtime to experience. Maybe I should even try one of those sexy steel monsters I keep hearing about.”

Reports that “sexy steel monster” Colin Farrell had been providing Spears with “some SLC-level headbanging” the last few nights were not immediately confirmed.

--JCK
Enthusiast Punished by ACE Disciplinary Committee

Justice was handed out in swift and savage style today by the American Coaster Enthusiast Disciplinary Committee, as wayward member Kirk James was rebuked for his “behavior unbecoming a coaster enthusiast.” An emergency session of the ACE Executive Committee was held to determine James’s punishment after he “failed to place roller coasters at the primacy of importance in his very existence” earlier in the week.

The incident in question occurred this past Monday. James, according to eyewitnesses, had intended to visit La Ronde Amusement Park in Montreal on his one day off during an extensive two-week business trip to Vermont. “It was kind of a haul, but I figured, hey, I’d be within a few hours of Montreal, so what the heck,” James told ARN&R. Unfortunately, this plan, which ACE Supreme High Inquisitor Carole Sanderson called “sound and full of goodness in its original conception,” did not achieve fruition. Instead, James heard from his friends, named by sources as David and Laura Watkins, that they would be visiting family in Boston on that very day that James intended to travel to experience the wonders of the “world’s tallest wood coaster” Le Monstre, Vampire, and the totally unique, wondrous and legendary Le Boomerang.

“I did at least have to ask if Dave and Laura wanted to come up and hang out at La Ronde,” said James. “I mean, I am an enthusiast, after all. But they literally had only this one day free, and were with their family, and didn’t want to make a 12 hour round trip after flying in across four time zones. So it was a no-brainer. Either I can go hang out with my good friends who I haven’t seen since they moved to Los Angeles four years ago, or I can be a big frickin’ tool and diss them to go ride coasters alone. I’m comfortable with my decision.”

James added that, “I hope I can get up there eventually. I wish I could’ve gone, but I guess my priorities are straight. Sneaking in a few new coasters would have been neat, but who knows when I’d see my pals again?”

“This is just the sort of disgusting behavior strictly prohibited in the ACE Code of Conduct,” sputtered Sanderson. “That document clearly states that coasters are to be the only thing ACE members can talk about or have any concern with. This man had a chance to add seven coasters to his credit list, eight if he counts Le Monstre as two and nine if he were to kidnap a small foreign child to get on the kiddie coaster! And instead he goes off to visit non-coaster-loving jerks in Boston. If he can’t get some priorities, the ACE Disciplinary Committee will ram some up his ass!”

The ACE Executive Junta and Special Tribunal of Disciplinary Action convened for three hours, after which it was decided that James would be fined $10,000, given 3 flagrant foul points, suspended from any coastering activities for a full year, and be placed on probation for ten years, during which any further violation will result in permanent suspension from ACE and from all amusement parks.

“I’m pleased that this troublemaker has received some punishment,” said Sanderson. “I’m all about punishment, believe me. But I simply don’t think it’s enough. I thought we might get enough votes to have this young punk terminated. I would have pushed for Execution by Six Flags Great Adventure Viper to send a message to those who don’t consider coasters the only thing in life that matters. Maybe we can just save that penalty for when we round up those ARN&R troublemakers.” Here Sanderson paused to gleefully salivate at this thought before continuing: “Although the execution order didn’t go through, due to the fact that the Junta is far more forgiving than I am, I certainly hoped at least to get a permanent suspension, but that wuss Matt Crowther argued that the offender get one last chance to behave. Damn his eloquence! I’m sick of molly-coddling these punks. If I have to dissolve my Junta and get a new one that agrees with everything I say, I’ll do it. Just watch me.”

James, meanwhile was defiant about the decision. “Let them try to keep from going to amusement parks when I feel like,” he said angrily. He then announced that he would challenge the ACE Code of Conduct by telling anyone within range that Beast sucks ass and that he would do his best at his next convention to keep his nametag displayed unclearly.

--JCK

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Six Flags Great America Builds Parking Lot on Top of Roller Coaster

In a never-ending quest to boost attendance at their theme parks by installing top-rate thrill rides and attractions, the Six Flags Corporation has added an exhilarating new parking lot on top of the existing Déjà vu roller coaster at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois.

Jim Wintrode, vice-president and general manager of Six Flags Great America chatted with ARN&R reporters recently about this fantastic new addition to Great America.

"At Six Flags, we understand how important it is to listen to our guests," stated Wintrode. "Our extensive consumer research has indicated to us that Americans were ready for a new level of thrills at theme parks. They were looking for something bigger, better and ten times more exciting. We teamed up with Vekoma International, who did all of the phenomenal work on Déjà Vu, and asked them how we could take the thrill factor to the next level. Their response, build a bigger, better beautiful new parking lot. So, that's exactly what we did."

Due to a lack of space for expansion at Six Flags Great America, the new parking lot could not be built without sacrificing another attraction elsewhere in the park. Great America made the bold decision to build the lot right on top of one of their existing roller coasters.

"We chose to construct the coaster on top of our Déjà Vu roller coaster. We had a dozen or so coasters, so what if we lost one, especially Déjà Vu. Who would even notice?" asked Wintrode. "Besides, we didn't even have to tear down the coaster to install the new parking lot. We just built the lot right on top of the coaster. You see, our extensive consumer research has also indicated to us that the average theme park guest doesn't particularly care about the theming of eye-popping new parking lots, especially parking lots as impressive as this one. So, no one is going to care whether or not there is an old, defective rusting roller coaster right smack in the middle of this fancy new thrill lot, I assure you."

Great America's new parking lot opened to the public and to rave reviews on June 12th, 2003. The lot features 750 compact and mid-size parking spaces. Each space is outlined in a dazzling metallic white spray on paint. The lot itself is a deep shade of black asphalt and has metallic yellow borders spray-painted along all four of its outermost edges.

"She's a real beauty," Wintrode attests. "Our guests are lining up in droves for a chance to experience this parking lot. They just cannot get enough of it. Attendance [at Six Flags Great America] is up six percent so far this season, and I'm sure it will only get better as the word-of-mouth gets out. In addition, Six Flags Over Georgia and Six Flags Magic Mountain have reportedly been whining and begging for Vekoma to build nice new parking lots on top of their worthless Déjà Vu clones, as well.

--JWS

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Le Monstre Reclaims Title as World's Tallest Wood Roller Coaster

In a stunning development, it was discovered today that the new record holder for tallest wood coaster in the world is Le Monstre, at La Ronde park in Montreal, Quebec. A gala celebration was marked with a speech by park manager Jacques Détente. According to Détente, "this is a very proud day for our great amusement park. Le Monstre is the tallest wooden roller coaster on the planet, and we Quebecois should celebrate a record that no one shall ever defeat.” Following Détente’s statements, thousands of unwashed, chain-smoking eight-year-old Montreal natives took a break from their line cutting to raise their fists in the air and cheer. “Viva la France!” added Détente. “Er, I mean…hmmm…Viva La Ronde, I guess?”

Détente’s claims during his edifying speech were echoed immediately by La Ronde’s website, which, in addition to claiming “The Monster is the highest wooden roller coaster in the world,” also found time to note that riders would be “[subjected to] a series of dizzying, gravity-defying loops,” an intriguing statement to amusement industry representatives and coaster enthusiasts unaware that Le Monstre actually featured any inversions.

Other parks were quick to bow before the overwhelming evidence that the 131-foot tall Le Monstre is indeed the undisputed champion of wood coaster height in the known universe.

“We were obviously gravely mistaken these past few years when we advertised our stupid Son of Beast coaster as being the highest woodie at 218 feet,” confessed Paramount’s King’s Island representative Ben Escuder. “It is now blatantly clear that Le Monstre is higher. We plan to issue a full apology on our website and ritually flog ourselves with wet noodles to atone for our sins.” Noting that “[Le Monstre] can turn up to 112 riders into screaming, white-knuckled, trembling pools of jelly all at the same time!” Escuder admitted that Son of Beast “sucked” and that “everyone needs to go ride the world’s tallest and best thrill ride, Le Monstre.”

Other parks also issued written apologies and offered to make vast monetary payments to La Ronde to avoid a lawsuit over their filthy lies that their dumb wood coasters were actually “taller” than Le Monstre. The parks scampering home with their limp tails curled beneath their legs include Six Flags Fiesta Texas (179-foot Rattler), Heide Park (170-foot Collossos), Cedar Point (161-foot Mean Streak), and Six Flags Over Texas (143-foot Texas Giant). ARN&R wags a stiff little finger at and issues a stern talking-to in the direction of these very bad, awful parks for this sort of horrible false advertising for all these years.

La Ronde’s Détente told reporters after his speech that the park would be making a number of additional stunning announcements in the near future, including these true facts: Vampire has 17 inversions, a world record by 7; the Toboggan Nordique is launched out of its station at over 100 miles per hour; Orbite is the only ride S&S has ever built anywhere, Le Boomerang was rated the number one steel coaster on the planet by Amusement Business, Paul Ruben was created in a test tube by La Ronde scientists using nothing more than some fungus, bat guano and elbow grease; and security guards at the park will begin occasionally enforcing park regulations such as No Cutting, No Smoking in Line, and No Climbing Fences and Standing on Coaster Tracks Like a Complete Jackass Desperately Trying to Improve Our Gene Pool.

--JCK

Monday, July 07, 2003

CPO Makes A Bid For Universal's Theme Park Division

The Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Coaster Preservation Club) has submitted a proposal to purchase the Universal Studios Theme Parks Division from Paris-based Vivendi Universal. The CPO hopes to acquire the parks to be used, in part, for their aggressive North American coaster relocation project.

Lee Coaster, Webmaster in charge of Web site and North Carolina Operations for the CPO, said in an exclusive interview with ARN&R, "The Universal parks aren't exactly in North Carolina or Indiana, but we, like, totally want them anyways. Besides, we'll be old enough to drive in a few years and then we'll be able to go to the parks and get started on the relocation projects. In the meantime, we will close the parks except for behind the scenes tours when the temperature outside goes below freezing."

All seven members of the CPO pooled their financial resources and managed to come up with $12.43. Their official offer to Vivendi, written in black crayon on the back of a used Six Flags Great America napkin, was for $11.99 in cash plus free lifetime memberships to the Coaster Preservation Organization for all Vivendi employees.

"We really think the free CPO memberships will be the clincher," said Lee Coaster. "We had to save some of our money for the bargaining. You know, for when they counter our offer. That's why we threw in the free CPO memberships."

The CPO is fairly confident that Vivendi will accept their offer because, as Lee Coaster put it, "If they don't, we'll just sue them until they do."

--JWS

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Government: CoasterBuzz/ThrillNetwork Dispute Officially Least Interesting Fight in History

The obscure but well-funded governmental agency tasked with evaluating the level of interestingness of all fights among geeky internet communities declared today that the ongoing dispute between CoasterBuzz enthusiasts and ThrillNetwork enthusiasts is officially the least interesting dispute of all time.

"From the relatively petty beginnings of the dispute and the stupidity of the original ThrillNetwork harvesting of e-mail addresses (and its associated apparent inability to admit that that was what happened) to the bizarre decision not to close the discussion after eleven neverending pages of discussion at CoasterBuzz and the utter unwillingness of anyone at that site to take 'Sorry' for an answer, this easily takes the cake for lamest possible argument," said Sean Potter, undersecretary of public affairs for the Division of Evaluation and Determination of Boringness of Geeky Internet People (part of the Department of Veterans Affairs, oddly enough).

Under a new Bush administration policy, the determination means that both sites will be the target of a preemptive strike with "small" nuclear weapons.

Saturday, July 05, 2003

Corrections

ARN&R willingly and fawningly corrects factual errors and inappropriate remarks made by its staff in print. If you believe you have discovered an error on our website, do not hesitate to contact us at the link to the left.

Recently, that fu*king idiot broad who rode the Boulderdash ride at Lake Compounce while holding an unfinished cup of bright red beverage, then raised her hands in the air for the whole ride with the cup in hand, spraying two members of the AbsolutelyReliable Writing Staff with a fine red mist, was referred to as "a sorry-ass piece of white trash so stupid there do not exist words in the English mother tongue to fully describe how stupid she is." Actually, we meant to say that she was "the dumbest, most inconsiderate fu*king bitch in the history of the planet." We regret this error.

ARN&R ran an article in which Michael Bolton's singing was conpared unfavorably to a ride on the widely loathed Hercules roller coaster. We at ARN&R love Michael Bolton and would never intentionally imply that he sucks our asses raw. We're Michael Bolton fans. For our money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."

A recent article disparaged some pasty white insulated cracker-ass people on rec.roller-coaster who always feel the need in their trip reports to make casually racist statements about how a park is ghetto or scary because they....ooooh... saw a black family there or something. Our writer called these pasty cracker-asses "writhing backassward racist pieces of shit losers." Naturally, ARN&R fully supports the freedom of speech of really stupid bigoted creeps on web groups. The offending author who made these terrible derogatory remarks toward these racists has been fired and is being savagely raped by rabid marmots as you read this.

Finally, we recently made an error where we said that Mean Streak should be torn to the ground and ripped into pieces to form three real wood coasters. We apologize for this callous statement; careful analysis has indicated that there is enough wood from the Mean Streak demolition to form four real wood coasters.

Friday, July 04, 2003

New Avril Lavigne Single Explodes on Charts

Hailed by critics nationwide as the "finest brainless teeny-bop music single released this week involving amusement park equipment," Avril Lavigne's new smash hit "Sky Sk8er Boi" has rocketed up the charts since its release a few days ago. The song, which desribes a "cool" girl and her love affair with a filthy, unwashed skateboarding junior high dropout who does part-time work cleaning up the ride queues of flat rides at Vancouver Playland, has been certified gold after a mere four days, making it a comparable smash to such modern classics as "Complicated" and "Sk8er Boi," a song Lavigne says is "like uh totally different and stuff from uh you know the other song what's it called."

Lavigne described the plot of the song for ARN&R. "Uh, you know, uh, I thought it would be you know, stuff, like this guy who works a ride, like the ones people puke on, and he has to clean up the trash uh and vomit um and stuff, but the cool chick loves him or something anyway."

Without any provocation, Lavigne then decided to crack funny for ARN&R, adding that "I was born to rock, I was born to roll. Rock 'n' roll. I see myself as a rock chick and when they refer to me as a pop chick I'm like 'NOOOOO!!!"

Says Sherwood Wise, president of Interactive Rides, Inc., maker of the Sky Sk8er thrill attraction, "We're pleased to have this kind of publicity for our fine product. I note, however, that Vancouver Playland does not own any of our ride service amusement product devices. Perhaps it would be to the benefit of Ms. Lavigne, Playland, and our company if they were to buy one of our Sky Sk8ters. That's synergy, baby!"

In related news, VH1 has just named the new hit as one of the elite songs in history, as it has been included in the new VH1 100 Greatest Musical Compositions of the Last 2,113.345 Years, to air July 4th. Some music critics questioned whether "Sky Sk8er Boi" was more deserving than other major works left off the list, including such important compositions as Louie Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World," the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," the Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want," and the Bach B Minor Mass, but VH1 vigorously defended its position.

"Those are all good songs," said Vice President of Bullshit Countdown Shows Monty Smithers, "but we feel Avril's work is the pinnacle of Western Civilization, full of thought and beauty and usefulness. Also, she had the best tits."

--JCK

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Study: No One Cares About Coaster Club's Motto

The Florida Coaster Club (FLCC) has been going strong since 1998 and wants everyone to know that they "Ride All Year." However, recent studies indicate that no one cares. "I don't understand it," said club president Patrick Grozen. "Our shirts, our hats, even our bumper stickers say 'We Ride All Year.' But, barely anyone seems to pay attention to the fact that we live in a part of the country that has roller coasters open year-round."

After a careful study conducted by ARN&R personnel it is apparent that no one, be they enthusiast or not, cares what the FLCC does. "It was pretty apparent that everyone we talked to, from the typical unkempt, undersexed enthusiast to the 1% that are socially versatile, gave two shits about the FLCC members' riding habits," said Tim Teemer, ARN&R's head of statistical research. "The results went even lower once we included the general public in our poll. Apparently none of them understand who rides all year, or even where they do it. One of our respondents even suggested that they change their slogan to 'We suck all year,' but I didn't think that I should let club members know that factoid."

Retiree Adam Tosh felt more people should know about the quality coastering you can do in the Sunshine state during the dreaded "off season." After taking a long hit from his oxygen bottle Tosh said, "Down here I'm in the land of bridge, 4:00 dinner specials and year-round coastering. It doesn't get much better than that."

The club's teen sect showed hostility to the pollsters once the results were revealed at the FLCC's annual "Touch MeKraken" event at Sea World. "If you don't think riding Old Town's Dragon Wagon twenty times during a rain storm in February is hard core, you're insane," said 17 year-old Todd Johnson.

Grozen said that the club is currently working on a public relations campaign to make sure that people understand the benefits of riding all year. "How anyone can consider marathoning on the Starliner unimportant is beyond me. But, we are working to make sure that every coaster nut out there understands just how much better we are than them because of our riding opportunities." They hope to have a slogan chosen by IAAPA so they can show convention-goers how superior their coasting lifestyle is. "I know the people from B&M, Intamin, S&S and other companies really care about how often we ride their coasters," Grozen concluded.

--FMB
Ed Markey Admits Being "Unfaithful" to Family

Representative Ed Markey (D-MA), in a brief statement on Sunday, stated that he had been
"unfaithful to my loving wife and family for the last couple of years" while coming clean about an "inappropriate relationship" he had been having with an undisclosed person inside sources claim may have been named "Lee". Markey said that he decided to come clean when an interview posted on Coasterbuzz mentioned the affair, and since he had recently broken off the relationship, he felt it was time to come clean.

"Most of my decisions in the past few years have been based upon this relationship," Markey said to a writer for ARN&R. "The real reason for my Amusement Safety Act was because I felt my special friend was spending too much time riding them, and not enough time cuddling with me. I felt that if I could get rid of some of these coasters, or make them so heavily regulated as to be completely unpleasant, maybe my secret companion would have more time for me. That is what eventually led to the breakup, as this individual turned out to have a greater interest than I realized in saving coasters and moving them to his own park in North Dakota or Djibouti or the Greenland or something, I forget where, and I could not sway the person from this goal. As a last ditch effort, I concocted a great plan I thought would make us both happy: we could take every U.S. coaster, put them in wherever weird place he wanted, and then on days that it rains or was below 60 degrees, we could let people sit in the station, in the trains, and take their pictures! But that wasn’t good enough, I suppose.”

Markey said he hopes to be able to forge a close personal relationship with his interns, or perhaps a pet gerbil, this summer, as long as he can hide such things from his wife and family as well. [Editor’s Note: Oops. Sorry, Ed. Guess we let that one out of the bag.]

--CB

[Related News: Markey tackles the deadly shuffleboarding industry and spends time in lunatic asylum.]

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

Wife of Corrupt ThrillNetwork Government Official Needs Your Help Releasing Funds from Foreign Bank

[Ed. Note: ARN&R received this urgent e-mail today and thought it would be best to share it with you, our loyal readers. Whomever among you follows the directions and becomes fabulously wealthy, we hope you'll at least spend some money in the ARN&R shop.]

CHUMA WILSON
ThrillNetwork Towers
Lagos, Nigeria
For The Attention of: OWNER / CHIEF EXECUTIVE
BUSINESS REQUEST

This is important, and requires your immediate attention! First, I must solicit your strictest confidence as you read this letter. Though this might come to you as a surprise since we have not met or spoken with each other before. I plead for your understanding and tender my humble apologies if I had taken you unaware.

My name is CHUMA WILSON, the wife of the chairman of the committee set up by the Federal Government of Nigeria to supervise the activities of the ThrillNetwork Trust Fund (TNTF), the agency that manages proceeds from the sale of ThrillNetwork Club memberships in my country. At the inception of the new democratic government in my country, the TNTF was ordered to wind up its operation to enable the new committee take over. What it did not know is that my husband was also part of the secretive ThrillNetwork government.

The former Chairman of the agency in the person of Major General Muhammed Buhari (Rtd.) was also retired. In its place a new committee in which my husband is a member was appointed to take over and oversee the activities of the agency. The duty of the committee amongst others includes verifying all outstanding contract claims and debts with the sole objective of settling such long overdue claims. My husband has asked that I assist in coordinating his efforts and I have decided to cut him out of the money, as he has been seen in compromising positions with what my tribe calls "coaster tools."

I therefore decided to contact you directly having gotten your name and company's information from a business handbook of your country I discovered in the former chairman's official study, which he left behind in his office. [Ed. Note: We think this is a reference to links found on Westcoaster.net.]

Going through some of the files left behind by the former chairman, we discovered that he has secured out of the Central Bank of Nigeria a forex release to the tune of US$25,500,000.00 for the payment of goods and services supplied by foreign contractors for the execution of ThrillNetwork Club Events and SpeedZone Bandwidth. He was caught in the web of trying to transfer the funds to a ghost company abroad when he was removed from office. In confidence, we know that the goods and services were not supplied -- especially that ERT promised from the ThrillNetwork Club -- but used his office to approve the payment in favour of a foreign firm with no fixed address.

He confided in me as a member of the new committee that he used his position to over invoice the contract. After his removal from office, this over invoiced amount is floating in the system and left unclaimed. He has therefore requested me to help look for a foreign company into whose account the funds will be transferred.

I am now soliciting for your cooperation to enable us process the transfer of the funds to your account. You should provide us your company's name or any other name as long as you will be able to receive the amount. It will be treated as one of the outstanding payments due to you on executed contract. We will take measure to duly register your company here in Nigeria to give it legitimacy. We need your company's name and account particulars to enable us file application for foreign exchange allocation order at the Federal Ministry of Finance. The moment we accomplish this, we will raise Contract Award Certificate in your company's name to show that a contract was actually awarded and executed by you. The nature of your business not withstanding.

For your participation and investing in this project, we are prepared to concede 25% of the total sum to you. On completion of the project, we will commit a substantial percentage of our share into investments in your country and we will direct you on how to repatriate the balance of our share.

This arrangement is known only to you and myself. Therefore, confidentiality should be our watchword. Don't tell my husband. If the above proposal meets your approval, please respond immediately. Endeavour to furnish me with your secured private telephone and fax line for easy reach.

REGARDS,
CHUMA WILSON
chuma@trustfund.thrillnetwork.net

Sakes alive, friends! You're going to be rich!
Enthusiasts Denied ERT at Music Theater

Hundreds of coaster enthusiasts were turned away in their bid for Exclusive Ride Time (ERT) at the Goodspeed Opera House, a historic musical theater in eastern Connecticut where coaster lovers mistakenly believed there to be high-tech thrill attractions.

The source of confusion appears to be a review, by critic Caroline McGuire of the Norwalk Free Republican-Democrat, of the current Goodspeed revival of Me and My Girl. Amongst various comments about the costumes, musical score, and acting range of the stars, the show was described as “an absolute roller coaster ride from start to finish.”

“How dare they lead us astray,” said Mark Price, 65. “The review clearly stated that there was a roller coaster here. This is untrue. In fact, there are no thrill rides at all. It’s just a little town with a river and this Victorian theater. And the landscape and interaction with the water would certainly have made this an ideal location for a terrain woodie.”

“Or, better yet, a hypercoaster. Preferably a 600-foot launched one,” he added thoughtfully.

Despite filing protest letters and bitching extensively over not being granted access to the hidden roller coaster, a handful of ACE members did decide to do some good for the group’s public relations, sticking around to take in the sights and sounds of the park despite the filthy lies about the alleged coaster on the property. Several reported that the park’s entertainment, specifically the musical, was “much better than the rock and roll show at Worlds of Fun or that Snoopy on Ice thing at Cedar Point.” The only further complaint about the park besides the lack of an advertised roller coaster was that the orchestra pit did not feature a viola.

ACE President Carol Sanderson has announced that throngs of enthusiasts plan to pout and whine insufferably when they are turned away form nonexistent roller coasters at showings of Hulk and Terminator 3, a variety of major league baseball games, and even the Lancashire Cricket Club, all of which have been falsely described in the recent past by reviewers as “roller coaster rides.”

--JCK
Mullet Proclaimed Official Hairstyle Of Kennywood Park

Jerome Gibas, vice-president and general manager of Kennywood Park, has proclaimed the mullet to be the official hairstyle of the 105-year-old traditional amusement park located in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.

In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Mr. Gibas revealed why Kennywood decided to magnify the mullet to "super-style" status.

"The mullet is very special to Pittsburgh area residents," stated Jerome. "What hairstyle could better exemplify the small town look and feel of a wonderful classic amusement park like Kennywood? Before we settled on the mullet, we had considered immortalizing other hairstyles, like the flattop or the kinky perm, but none of the others seemed to reach out to us the way that that the mullet did. The mullet is such an attractive and versatile haircut. It looks good on men. It looks good on women. Hell, it even looks good on children. We are truly honored to feature the mullet as the official hairstyle of Kennywood Park."

In celebration of Kennywood's official new "do," the park will feature "Mullet Mark Down Days" every Thursday in July and August. All guests wearing a mullet hairdo will get half-price admissions to the park on those days. As a bonus, any guest with a mullet and a rat-tail will get the half-price admission, plus they'll get a coupon good for half off the purchase of Kennywood's latest delicious snack bar confection, the deep fried chocolate covered white fudge macadamia nut brownie.

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom is reportedly considering legal action to prevent Kennywood from advertising itself as the Mullet Capital of the Amusement World. According to sources, SFKK contends that such a claim would be false advertising given the daily volume and quality of mullets at that park.

UPDATE: Our top-secret news sources recently informed us that 2004 will be "The Year Of The Mullet" at Kennywood Park. There will be special mullet-related shows and events happening all season long like the "Mullet Madness Musical Revue" and "The 1st Annual Miss Mullet" competition. The most exciting news of all, however, is that Kennywood has contracted with the Sally Corporation to develop a new custom interactive dark ride called the "Mighty Amazing Mullet Ride." Passengers will be armed with "interactive scissors" and will attempt to cut their way through mountains of hair in an effort to sculpt the perfect mullet.

--JWS