Wednesday, May 28, 2003

TTD Developments: Cable, Supports, Track, Train, Train Accoutrements, Station Break
Guide to the Point and CoasterBuzz Experts: "Just Breaking in the New Ride"

On-the-spot witnesses confirm, in an ARN&R exclusive, that Cedar Point's new "stratacoaster" Top Thrill Dragster has had a number of mishaps. Specifically, the cable, supports, track, train, train accoutrements, and the station have all broken, most of them catastrophically.

However, engineering experts at websites Guide to the Point and CoasterBuzz have all categorically stated that the cable snapping, the supports collapsing, the track flying off across the midway, one train shooting off into a nearby show (seriously injuring "actors"), flying tires decaptiating passersby, and the entire station collapsing under 5 miles-per-hour winds are all "just your ordinary early days of a coaster" and "nothing to be concerned about."

"I can't believe how the media has overblown these so-called problems, and I'm far from a CP FanBoy," wrote MeanStrkRulz, known as an engineering expert based on years of experience with Tinker-Toys. "Things go wrong, and how could you expect the Intamin geniuses to anticipate every little problem? Gotta go -- Mom needs the computer!"

"I concur," wrote noted coaster design expert and tenth grader RaptorRulesMySky. "Occasionally in the early days of a coaster every possible component of the ride will cease to work, often resulting in serious injury or death. You can't blame Intamin or Cedar Point -- for example, take the supposed 'incident' involving the station. How could they have known to build the station to withstand gale-force winds of four or even five miles per hour? The park is on Lake Erie! Who would expect wind?"

Inside sources tell ARN&R that TTD will be up and running again soon, and that Cedar Point expects to reduce the life-threatening incidents to no more often than once weekly by the end of the season.
Experts Debate Irritation Factor of Discovery Channel Personalities

Experts gathered this week to deliberate the important topic of which Discovery Channel personality provides the most flesh-rending annoyance to viewers across the nation. The three candidates most frequently mentioned were Paul Ruben, Mark Wyatt, and a new addition, That Tubby Guy From Thrill Rides: Put to the Test.

"The clear choice here is Paul Ruben," stated Ray Bergman, director of the Institute for the Debunkage of Alleged Coaster Experts. "His breathless comments about any ride a park pays him to go off on sure piss me off after about five seconds. I keep waiting to see the video footage of him pocketing a wad of dead presidents before announcing 'Six Flags Magic Mountain’s Flashback is a unique and stunning ride, top ten for me out of the more than 700 coasters I am lucky enough to have ridden, unlike you poor slobs who aren't as cool as me. It's great and spectacular!' And that creepy way he trails off and makes that weird face at the camera...hide your pets!"

Gabe Solomon, a member of the Society to Stop Lying Jackasses Like Mark Wyatt From Stealing Money From People, disagrees. "Ruben does kind of tire me out after the ninth or tenth show he whores himself on," he says. "But that Wyatt bastard is the worst. After he pillaged subscription money off loads of enthusiasts and then just stopped printing Inside Track, without refunding a penny to anyone, it really takes quite a bit of nerve for him to go claiming on Extreme Rides that he runs a magazine. Seeing that smarmy f*ck whooping it up with his special friend on that show every year makes my gorge rise. Wyatt is an affront to the human race."

The dark horse in the category appears to be "John," the host of the brand-new Thrill Rides: Put to the Test. Says Heather Tiras, the Vice Provost of the Council to be Disgusted by Wanker Reality Show Hosts, "We were made to be violently ill by the pathetic self-promotion and forced wackiness of that guy. That show actually had potential. For instance, the two college chicks scored very high in approval ratings, though many viewers told us a naked lesbian love scene would have been a good addition. And those two Ohio kids cussing up a storm on X were totally hilarious. But Discovery determined that, instead of showing us more hot Arizona babes and funny cursing, they'd focus 98% of the show on Jabba the Hutt's extra-cheerful dorkus offspring. We disapprove of this John fellow. He does not receive huzzah, nor kudos."

Heated debates on the tool-ness of the three candidates continue around the clock. ARN&R promises to report the results of this debate as soon as they are available.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: In related news, Discovery Channel did fulfill the federal regulation mandating Elissa White's appearance in all television coaster specials by showing brief excerpts of her audition tape for TRPTT.]