Thursday, February 19, 2004

ACE Election Season Gears Up

With the elections for ACE leadership positions coming up this year, candidates have begun to make themselves known, walking the campaign trail, making speeches, and developing important policies related to how ACE members should express their quite important coaster-loving hobby.

Two potential ACE officers made their pitch to the public recently on rec.roller-coaster. Sam Marks presented his qualifications for being ACE Treasurer with his highly unorthodox system for the computation of why this year's CoasterCon is an exceptional value. Essentially, Marks' method favorably compares the actual cost of the aptly-named Con with a computation that calculates what the cost of the equivalent number of days visiting the parks would be, assuming the visit to the parks was made by a complete and utter moron who was unaware that "season passes" exist. Most of the population has been swayed by Marks to agree that they were wrong, and in reality the Con fee is quite affordable for normal people who do not possess a substantial inheritance.

In the same forum thread, Rastus O' Ginga restates his intent to run for president of ACE, admitting that, while Carole Sanderson has done a good job of taking all his alleged advice, he will still run for her office under the platforms of claiming sole credit for any good idea ever concocted by ACE and convincing everyone that "homophobia is so cool."

Although current ACE Secretary Jeff Siefert failed to contribute any profound thoughts to the rec.roller-coaster thread, he assured ARN&R in a private interview that he will seek re-election to the same office on a campaign pledge to "defend racially insensitive jokes in our publications, trash any filthy garbage ACE members for voicing their opinions anywhere if they disagree with mine, and generally continue fighting against the common scum ACE members who aren't on the ACE Executive Committee, since their pathetic opinions don't matter at all."

Holy Land to Add Hardcore Thrills

Thrilling news has come forth from The Holy Land Experience, Orlando's newest theme park. According to park representatives, a truly exciting expansion will occur in the next two years: the addition of thrill rides.

In order to compete with area theme parks, the management team at THLE will start out with two coasters. First to open will be a family coaster called "The Holy Roller," a heavily-braked spinning mouse from Maurer-Sohne. But this ride will pale in comparison to the massive, bulging monster that will soon be erected nearby.

A representative from The Holy Land Experience had the following to say:

The biggest, baddest and scariest coaster on the planet will be from S&S/Arrow and will incorporate virtually every "trick in the book." It will be like Six Flags Magic Mountain's X, but will be launched to 123 miles per hour via compressed air to shoot up a vertical tower 666 feet, into the top-hat element. Then it penetrates violently down into a tunnel, making the first drop actually 700 feet, thereby negating the devilish height of the initial climb. Emerging from the tunnel, the train will negotiate 13 loops including the newest inversion, the "soixante-neuf" element. The only possible name for this coaster, seeing as it will surely be the scariest coaster ever: "The B'Jesus."

An extremely reliable source claims indisputable evidence, namely his overhearing two park employees talking, that B'Jesus will open just in time for The Holy Land Experience's infamous and popular Gay Days in early summer, 2005.