Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Satan: Hellevator "Just Like Real Elevators in Hell"

In an exclusive interview arranged for ARN&R by Six Flags's public relations department, Satan shared his views of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's drop ride, "Hellevator."

"It's an exciting experience," said the horned one as plumes of smoke billowed around him. "It is very much like riding the elevators in Hell. It is most like the Prudential Death Insurance Building in downtown Hades City, where you are slowly carried up to the top floors and, if you do not get off in the claims adjustment department, you are dropped rapidly to the bottom of the building."

Beezelbub also noted that the Hellevator at SFKK had similar restraints to the elevators in Hell. "I've never quite known why, but our building codes down there require over-the-shoulder restraints for even the mildest of elevators. I guess I understand it for the Prudential Death Insurance Building's elevator, what with the 50-plus miles per hour drop, but most of our elevators are incredibly slow, and yet they require a lengthy boarding process with careful checking of your restraints."

He noted some differences between SFKK's thrill ride and the elevators in Hell. "Well, you know, it is Hell, so we have to do something different. The operators of Hell's elevators generally plunge a corkscrew into your ears prior to releasing the elevator to lift you to your destination. I understand that happens relatively rarely at Kentucky Kingdom, although they do have a much higher incidence of finding tobacco juice on the ride's seats than we do. That stuff's nasty."

Intamin AG, the designer and builder of SFKK's ride, expressed pride at the devil's endorsement. "We used a seance to research elevators in Hell, and we're pleased to know that our detailed analysis paid off. And we're thinking about incorporating that corkscrew idea."
American Coaster Enthusiasts, Mullets Galore Merge Websites

In its latest in a string of unusual policy moves, the American Coaster Enthusiasts today formally merged with the Mullets Galore website. Although the ACE leadership had, in recent months, been kicked out of its offices and forced to relocate in an outhouse, produced a magazine with unwise and insensitive concentration camp "humor," and announced its planned Gravy Exhibit at the National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives, few industry insiders expected that ACE would so quickly ally itself with a website about mullets.

"This is a really brilliant move on the part of the ACE Ruling Council," said ACE Supreme Chancellor for Life Carole Sanderson. "Since we don't have an office, our publications are always tremendously behind schedule, and it takes new members months to receive their cards, we just up and decided that we were taking too much time maintaining our fine ACE website and updating events news three or four times a decade. We felt that a merger with a similar group would alleviate some of our difficulties, and we were lucky enough to find some very willing help in Mullets Galore."

Sanderson added, "Really, the aims of ACE and Mullets Galore are essentially the same. ACE News is always laden with event and wedding photos that prominently feature mullets, while Mullets Galore will use its merger with ACE to garner a tremendously abundant and easy source for hilarious pictures of bad hair: coaster events."

Said Immediate Past Dictator for All Eternity Bill Linkenheimer III, "I'd particularly like to call ACE members' attention to a couple of photos already produced by the synergistic combination of Mullets Galore and ACE Online. If everyone could access the Mullets Galore website, then click on the "classifications" section, they will see a number of pull-down menus of different mullets. By going to Section III, Number 22, ACE members can see a nice photo of a prominent member of the Coaster Preservation Cretins (formerly Coaster Preservation Useless F%*ks). And then please check out Section X, Number 97, to get a great view of a loyal ACE member about to engage in a typical ACE Buffet featuring an entire live hog for each member's consumption."

Linkenheimer also noted, "We're also letting the Mullets Galore website run all the merchandising for ACE in the future, since their 'Fear the Mullet' T-shirts at the online shop are way better than that crap we sell."

--JCK