Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Six Flags St. Louis Rethemed to Violent Crime

Six Flags (SIX) announced today that it will institute park enhancements for the 2007 season that will make it "much more appealing to local guests."

"The family is always the focus of our new marketing initiatives," explained Mark Shapiro, Six Flags President and CEO. "But in a community where even comic-book supervillians would roll up their windows, lock their doors and run red lights in sheer terror, a few adjustments were necessary."

Six-Guns Blazin' over St. Louis will be the first park to completely eliminate queue rails from their attractions. "Really, what's the point? If you don't have a Q-Bot, at least 27 of your homies or a lil' somethin' somethin' in your hip pocket, why are you here? Frankly, in this town, HOW did you get here?"

While the Vekoma-designed Ninja and Gerstlauer-equipped Boss coasters have always delivered gang initiation-quality beatings, family offerings will be increased as well. "Kids will love lying in the chalk outlines of their favorite DC Cartoon heroes," quipped Shapiro. "And the new 'What's Up BEEEEE-YOTCH?' revue? With Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd and other classically packin' Warner Brother characters delivering street justice, drive-by style? We just can't miss."

The chains will be hangin' low on the coasters beginning May 2007. Look for 'hop the fence' discount coupons on yo' favorite 40s this Spring.

--CO

Monday, October 30, 2006

Enthusiasts Disappointed in Name Change for Sky Princess

When a Dutch Wonderland internal memo leaked to Screamscape debating the renaming of its signature wooden roller coaster, the enthusiast community was shocked. “I couldn’t believe it,” said local enthusiast Richard Scheissbaugh. “I mean, I love the Sky Princess. On my days off from working at the buffet down the street, I loved to ride her all day long. There are few things I like more than riding my Princess. I mean, look at her beautiful curves...” Mr. Scheissbaugh then settled into a trance, drooling while making only soft, guttural noises for several minutes.

Upon inquiry, Dutch Wonderland declined to comment, but a source that refused to be named stated, “For crying out loud, it’s just a ride. I mean, we really shouldn’t have all these enthusiasts all over the park in the first place. Most of the tourists see them and think that our park has been overrun by pedophiles, since most of the enthusiasts haven’t understood the concept of ‘bathing’, and look that they have neither shaved nor exercised in years. That’s bad for business.”

Upon returning to consciousness, Scheissbaugh stated, “It wouldn’t be the same if I told my co-workers that I was leaving work to go ride my Dragon woodie the rest of the evening. That, that’s disturbing."

--ETB

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Enthusiast Becomes One Millionth Online Poster With “316” After Name

Rick Bognar of Terre Haute, Indiana, officially became the one millionth enthusiast whose online screen name contains the numbers “316," a milestone celebrated wildly by Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors. ARN&R supercomputers had been scanning the web ceaselessly for the occurrence, which finally occurred on October 27, when Bognar adopted the moniker “Bognar316” on the Thrillnetwork forums.

The “316” phenomenon began in 1996, when WWF pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin adopted the catchphrase “Austin 3:16”. Each enthusiast inserting the number into their screen name undoubtedly believed themselves to be cool and unique, leading to almost every coaster forum in existence to be populated by scores of such au courant and hip individuals.

When the bank of Cray supercomputers in the sublevels of AbsolutelyReliable Towers alerted to this event, ARN&R staff sprung into action. Correspondents from all corners of the globe immediately converged on Indianapolis, and traveled in a 14 vehicle caravan to Bognar’s home in Terre Haute.

“What the hell is all this?” asked a disheveled Bognar upon finding over 250 ARN&R staff members and media representatives on his front lawn. After being informed of his place in enthusiast history, Bognar demanded to know how the hell ARN&R managed to find out his real name and location mere hours after his signup.

“This is a proud day, not only for the enthusiast community, but the entire world,” said the ARN&R Supreme Dictator For All Eternity/Grand Poobah, as numerous cameras rolled. “The fact that the '316' craze has been unfashionable for nearly six years should in no way tarnish Mr. Bognar’s moment in the sun.”

The Grand Poobah then presented the sputtering Bognar with an ARN&R Penultimate Gift Pack, which included a fifty dollar gift certificate to Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, a fourth-generation photocopy of a 1979 Astroworld park map, an incomplete collection of Drachen Fire postcards, and a lifetime membership in the AbsolutelyReliableClub. Bognar appeared extremely nervous, asking anyone in earshot if all of his online activities were so easily traceable.

The party then began in earnest, despite Bognar’s threats to call the police if everyone didn’t get off his property. “This is the first time I ever recall being happy to be in Indiana,” said ARN&R ink-slinger CMV, taking a long pull off a tumbler that may or may not have contained moonshine. “We should get loaded, head over to Holiday World, and see if Will Koch will let us run the Scarecrow Scrambler.”

FMB, meanwhile, was last seen vomiting out the window of a rented Camaro, just outside the Santa Claus post office. "Postmark this!" he yelled, peeling out of the parking lot.

--CMV

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

ARN&R Staff Writer Declares Six Flags Code Of Conduct Policy A Total Success

After spending a day at Six Flags Great America, Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors Semi-Literate Staff Writer CMV was amazed at the scope of the company’s newly implemented Guest Code of Conduct. Officially announced on October 18th, the Code was denounced by many as a useless rehashing of already existing park rules and policies on behavior, dress, and safety. But after his first-hand experience at the park, CMV feels differently.

“The first thing I applauded was the fifteen dollar parking fee,” said the ARN&R hack/contributor. “In the past, I had just believed that the company was attempting to fleece the consumer who had no choice but to dish out the money. But now, knowing that these funds are going toward enforcing their new and beneficial policies, I believe differently.”

The surprises continued at the front gate. “The security guard took my girlfriend’s nearly-full cup of Starbucks away from her, stating that no outside beverages were allowed in the park. I believe he was absolutely right to do so. Who knows what kind of intoxicant, foreign substance, or chemical agent could have been in there?

“True, the blank-eyed young man who took our tickets could have informed her of that policy, and let her to actually drink her 5 dollar cup of Maple Macchiato before entering the park. But that’s not really his job now, is it?”

CMV’s girlfriend, hereby referred to as KFF, has a slightly different take on the situation. “I can’t believe that guy took my f---ing coffee!” she said. “And why, just so they can sell more of that nasty hot chocolate for 3 bucks a f---ing cup? Screw that.”

“Once we got in the park, things just got better,” said CMV. “So what if they were only running one train on the Demon? Big deal. The park needs employees to staff the Col. J.R. Peabody and Sons Mercantile Co., don’t they? And that wasn’t garbage on the ground of the Mardi Gras section, it was theming!”

When KFF attempted to remind her boyfriend of the numerous instances of smoking and line jumping (and in one case, smoking while line jumping) that went unpunished in front of them, CMV replied that he “didn’t recall” those occurrences. He went on to state that she was most likely woozy from lack of caffeine, a condition that could have been alleviated by purchasing a refreshing four dollar Coca-Cola from one of the park’s well-staffed food service windows.

“I’m ecstatic about Six Flags cementing their commitment to customer service,” said CMV. “And if the rumors are true about the park not adding any new attractions next year, that just means more focus on maintaining their status as the greatest amusement park company in the known universe. I plan on mailing them a blank check for our 2007 season passes right now.”

[Editor’s Note: At the insistence of KFF, a toxicology report on CMV showed dangerously high levels of Diazepam, an anxiolytic drug. Preliminary medical reports suggest that the drug may have been ingested unknowingly, possibly contained within a slice of Papa John's pizza.]

--CMV

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Shapiro: "Screw It, Let's Add Hookers & Blow"

Saying that in the 2006 season, Six Flags had "learned its lessons," Mark Shapiro announced today dramatic changes in store for the park chain in 2007.

"It turns out it's really hard to attract families, and once you get them there, they expect things like minimal feces on the floor, moderate safety for their children, and operational rides," said Shapiro in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. "So screw 'em. Next year, 'hookers and blow' will be our mantra."

Shapiro elaborated, explaining his plans to add prostitution and drug dealing to every park. "For years, the management added huge coasters costing tens of millions of dollars to attract young teenage boys and twenty-year-olds to the parks. And the margins were terrible. But what else does that age group of males like? Hookers and blow! Hookers and blow!"

He confirmed that the common themed area "Crackaxle Canyon" will finally be renamed Crack Whore Canyon, as predicted years previously by ARN&R, and will feature actual crack whores.

In response to Shapiro's announcement, ACE scheduled events at every Six Flags park throughout the summer of 2007, featuring Exclusive Whore Time.

--GP

Thursday, October 12, 2006

North Korea Continues Dangerous Practices

Nearly a week after shocking the world by testing a nuclear device, North Korea continues to defy the international community by experimenting with unstable and dangerous instruments. In a report by the official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), the communist regime boasted that they now have in their possession a fully functional Zamperla Volare Flying Coaster.

“Despite the unfair sanctions and pressures from the Bush administration and other hostile countries, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea is now a featured player in the field of airborne amusement rides,” said the KCNA in an English language statement. “No longer will our dissolute neighbors be able to flaunt their technology in the combined faces of the North Korean people. This is simply the next step in strengthening the greatest socialist paradise on the planet.”

Reports from inside the cloistral realm suggested that the coaster will called “Kangangsuwole,” and will be themed to a peasant dancing song sung during collective works, such as bridge construction or excavations. Construction is slated to begin outside the coastal city of Wonsan sometime early next year.

“The United Nations calls upon North Korea to immediately cease any and all attempts to erect this horrible coaster,” said UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan. “Any national pride they may gain from the completion of this project will be overshadowed by the terrible injuries it is bound to inflict upon the Korean people.”

“One can understand the Republic’s desire for a flying coaster, but to select a Zamperla is downright suicidal,” said University of Kentucky professor George Barron. “All they had to do was play nice with the West for a few years, the sanctions would have eased, and they could have bought a nice Bolliger and Mabillard. Hell, even a Vekoma Flying Dutchman would have been better than what they’ve got.”

The United States government stated that it will continue its current sanctions against North Korea, hinting strongly that replacement parts for the Zamperla coaster may be “difficult” to get. Unconfirmed reports state that the government may also be investigating Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro on possible “treasonous activities." Shapiro reportedly nixed a deal to sell Elitch Gardens’ Zamperla Flying Coaster to the North Koreans when they refused to also purchase Sidewinder, the park’s Arrow Dynamics shuttle loop coaster.

According to the KCNA, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il stated that he can’t wait to ride his country’s newest national treasure, and that he’s going to have his arms out in front of him the whole time, “like Superguy."

--CMV

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Family To Enthusiast: “Yes, That Is A Vekoma Invertigo On That Best Buy Commercial, Now Shut The F--- Up.”

A recent television commercial for the electronics retailer Best Buy may be informative to most consumers, but for the Ridley family of Boxer Park, Ohio, it’s the stuff that nightmares are made of. Coaster enthusiast Kevin Ridley, 18, feels the need to point out the fleeting glimpse of a Vekoma Invertigo every time the commercial airs, much to the chagrin of the rest of his family.

“Kevin just needs to shut the f--- up,” says Kevin’s 17 year old sister Kaylee. “Every time I’m trying to watch something on the CW, he pokes his goony head into the room when that commercial comes on. ‘That’s Face/Off! Face/Off!’ he’ll yell. And I’m just like, Kevin, please just shut the f---up.”

“I don’t know what we’re going to do with him,” says Kevin’s mother Laurie, 51. “We’ve tried everything from immediately muting the television when the commercial airs and he’s not in the room, quickly changing the channel when he is, and repeatedly telling him to shut the f---up. We even tried TiVoing every show we want to watch, and fast forwarding through the commercials. No luck there, though. He still manages to see that roller coaster, even at 8 times the normal speed. We just can’t get him to shut the f--- up.”

Kevin’s 58-year-old father has several ideas on how to resolve the problem. “I know just how to get him to shut the f--- up,” says Art Ridley, grinding a fist into his palm in the universal sign for one looking forward to violence. “The first thing to go is that computer of his. Normal guys his age look at internet porno and lie about stuff to girls in chat rooms. All Kevin does is look at pictures of closed amusement parks and post on sites featuring poorly written examples of coaster humor.

“If that doesn’t work, I’ll take away his collection of amusement park t-shirts, and burn ‘em all in the Weber grill. Yes, even the ones from Boardwalk and Baseball. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but it’s getting to the point where I’ll do anything to get that kid to shut the f--- up.”

Laurie thinks that her husband may be going too far. “That hopefully won’t be necessary. They’ll eventually stop running that commercial, and then he’ll shut the f--- up.”

But Kevin doesn’t understand what the big deal is. “My sister is just being a b---,” he says. “She’s jealous that I spent Grandma’s Christmas money on a season pass to Paramount’s Kings Island, and she saved hers for something stupid, like prom. And as for my dad sneaking into my room to take my computer and my park shirts? Yeah, my Boba Fett room alarm will make sure that won’t happen.”

--CMV

Monday, October 09, 2006

Holiday World One of the Big Boys Now, Will Act Accordingly

In a surprise press release from Holiday World, issued shortly after its press release announcing that the park had attracted over a million guests, the park announced a number of initiatives designed to show the amusement industry that HW had "arrived." Among them:

- Eat a dog turd, cut in line for Raven. Eat a cow patty, cut in line for The Voyage.

- All HW employees will receive new sullenness training so that they can achieve "the great results of other big parks like Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom"

- New for 2007: five trim brakes on every coaster!

- All food will be branded, mostly Jack in the Box with Natural Selection spinach salads.

- The park will announce a new focus on being "family-friendly" in the spring, only to end the season with massive advertising of teen-oriented coasters and Halloween attractions, possibly with pole dancing in lines.

- HW's new president? Joe Torre.

--GP