Sunday, August 31, 2003

Six Flags New England Garners Second Humanitarian Award in a Week

Six Flags Theme Parks, coming off an announcement of roughly the 35th straight year of massive losses, needed some good news, and it got some. Six Flags New England, in Agawam, Massachusetts, received its second major award for humanitarian activities in just a week. Just a few days ago, SFNE received the Phillip Morris Public Service Award for encouraging heavy and rule-violating smoking among minors.

And this week, the news was even better, as the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (better known as HUD) awarded the theme park the annual Award for Practical Efforts to End Homelessness.

SFNE's spokeswoman Martha Quinn-Bouza shared with ARN&R the basis for the prize.

"We realized we had a lot of comfortable and padded space that was never used by the park," she said over a nine-dollar serving of roasted potatoes. "Specifically, the second and third trains for all of our coasters sit abandoned almost all the time. So we figured -- why not let the homeless live in there?"

The park has opened to the homeless what Quinn-Bouza describes as "totally unnecessary and superfluous" trains on Thunderbolt, Cyclone, and Superman: Ride of Steel. "We haven't used the second train on Thunderbolt since sometime in the 1950s, and the Cyclone hasn't had two-train operation since about 1991," she said. "And we realized we were really only using the second train on Superman when the line exceed eighteen hours and our patrons actually begin eating each other. So we gave Superman's train to a real nice family where both parents had been working for dot-coms."

The park had previously attempted to encourage a family to move into Mind Eraser's spare train, but were rebuffed. "It's the craziest thing," she said. "They said they'd rather sleep on park benches than come near a Vekoma train."

HUD Secretary Mel Martinez elaborated: "This is just the sort of thing we in the Bush administration want to encourage, since we have no plans to actually spend money to help the homeless. Really, the only way we'd like this more is if there were crazy evangelicals screaming at the homeless families, so we could call it 'a faith-based initiative.'" He added, "It might be good if they gave them bathrooms, too. Their urine stench is making the park smell bad." Martinez later corrected his comments when he was told that the park has always smelled like that.

President Bush even mentioned the park's initiative in a speech to junior high students near his ranch in Crawford, Texas. "Roller coasters fun. Go up, down."

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Shocking Kiss Highlights Golden Ticket Awards

Ever since Madonna kicked off the inaugural 1984 Golden Ticket Award Show on MTV with a lurid strip tease involving a greased Shivering Timbers and backup dancers wearing nothing but Beast thongs and rosary beads, the show has continued to push the limits. Last night, at the 2003 GTA's, the event proved it could still startle with the best of them, when Golden Ticket Best Park winner and amusement icon Cedar Point open-mouth tongue-kissed Islands of Adventure and Six Flags New Orleans onstage.

As an unnannounced surprise, the two scantily-clad young stars had appeared onstage at the beginning of the ceremony to offer a tribute to the long-popular Cedar Point. After lauding Millennium Force, Raptor, and Blue Streak, and bringing Jack Black to the stage for a good-natured ribbing of Disaster Transport and Mean Streak, the two up-and-coming parks beckoned offstage, and Cedar Point appeared to thunderous applause. All three parks then launched into a lurid, bump-and-grind, oiled version of Snoopy Rocks on Ice, but the surprises didn't end there. At the conclusion of the song, Cedar Point offered the sexy full-on lesbian tongue-wrestle to first Islands of Adventure, and then Six Flags New Orleans.

"Oh man," said Six Flags Magic Mountain. "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen. I better not win any awards, or I'll have to stand up and everyone will see just how cool I thought it was."

"Whoa, dat's off da hook, yo," noted Justin Timberlake, desperately and pathetically trying to convince people that he is not a rich white boy. "I's gonna go in an' break me off a slice o' dat, mmmmm-HMMMmmm."

Some were not so aroused or amused by the tongueplay. "I'm disgusted," said Frontier City. "These Golden Ticket Awards are supposed to be about Family Values, and here these sluts show us wicked sins and temptations. When we win this award next year, I assure you Frontier City will not stoop to faux-lesbian posturing, unacceptably skimpy clothing, or free sex with Christina Aguilera while riding Wicked Twister. No, we will dominate the competition because we are family friendly, and because we have the best rides, the best theming, and the cleanest, friendliest, and best landscaped park. Boo-yah!" Frontier City concluded its bizarre remarks by making the "Heisman Pose" in the direction of Cedar Point.

--JCK

Friday, August 29, 2003

Phillip Morris Awards Public Service Award

It was announced today that Phillip Morris would be awarding its annual Special Public Service in Support of the Tobacco Industry Award to the amusement park Six Flags New England.

"This day is a great one for our amusement park," said Six Flags New England manager Henry Hacker. "We've been doing our best to angle for this kind of recognition from Big Tobacco, and damn if it didn't finally pay off. Guests have been pleased this year to note that we are maintaining a 93% level of people under 15 smoking in our park. Additionally, we are very proud of our 'non-smoking policy' in line." Here he paused to stifle a chuckle. "A survey of the line for Superman last week uncovered the fact that, on average, 76% of the entire line is smoking! That's just amazing!"

Hacker added that "the fact that so many teenagers are firing up and blowing their foul fumes at the non-smokers in line, and generally doing so right in front of laughable signs threatening expulsion for smoking in line, is just extra spunky. And we've of course instructed our ride ops not to call anyone down for spewing noxious waste out their mouths right in the station, and our crack security squad makes sure to avoid being anywhere near that line, both because we wouldn't want them to stop the white trash from sharing their smoke stench, or to prevent them from cutting in line at a rate of 6,456,895 cuts per minute that we currently maintain."

Jesse Helms will be the Philip Morris special guest at the presentation. Helms assured ARN&R that he would be certain to knock over some cancer patients and spit in their faces on his way to the podium, and probably find time to persecute some blacks and gays and burn some schools down on his way back to his plantation when it is finished.

--JCK

Thursday, August 28, 2003

New ARN&R Feature: Site O' the Weak

See that new link over there on the left? Yes, indeed, we have a new feature, the Site O' the Weak. Every week or so, we'll share with you the greatest waste of coaster-related web space we can find, whether it's a discussion where some idiot can't imagine that a lap bar could be enough to hold you safely in a coaster or this week's featured site, spending page after poorly-designed page praising a long-defunct theme park in Arkansas dedicated to perpetuating the redneck hillbilly stereotype of the Ozark Mountain residents.

Got a nominee? Send us a note.

Note: Any submissions suggesting a link to a site featuring satirical news of the amusement industry or coaster enthusiasts will be ignored.
Area Man Questions Sexuality After Experiencing Top Gun: The Jet Coaster

Asheville, North Carolina, resident Jason MacDunleavy began to question his sexual preference after a ride on the B&M inverted coaster "Top Gun: The Jet Coaster" last Saturday at Paramount’s Carowinds.

"As I got in line, I heard the Kenny Loggins song Dangerzone," said Dunleavy. "My heart started pounding when I saw giant pictures of Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise. I was really pumped – my adrenaline level was so high, I felt an overwhelming desire to high five, and then experience hot man love with, the Iceman. That second part -- you know, the hot man love part -- sort of surprised me."

By the time MacDunleavy got into the ride station, he had begun to look at his girlfriend as if she were a stranger. "I don’t know what happened," said Jennifer Kailo, Jason’s longtime girlfriend. "Take My Breath Away was playing on the P.A. – it was our song. I reached out for Jason’s hand and he practically jumped back from me." By the time the couple had gone through the flat spin, Jason had ended the relationship, telling Kailo that he needed "time to think."

Quentin Tarantino, famed movie director and expert on the effects of Top Gun on male sexuality, was not surprised. "It’s only natural that a ride inspired by the most homoerotic movie of all time would make a man gay."

--MMS

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

American Coaster Enthusiast General Store to Offer Portraits

Continuing its bold expansion, which has recently included muumuuus and themed bedroom toys, the American Coaster Enthusiast Online General Store has just announced that it will be offering portraits of enthusiasts with their favorite coaster designers in the next couple of weeks.

"As always, ACE is ever striving to make the experience of being in our mighty organization all the more sumptious," purred ACE Almighty Benevolent Supreme Pasha, Air Marshall, and P-Funk All-Star Carole Sanderson. "Since we can't get our magazines out on time or get the details of the Fall Conference straight before it's actually happened, we felt like continuing to improve our product line was the way to go."

Sanderson continued: "After seeing the wonderful website where this woman takes scary photographs of inbred hillbillies and then paints a portrait of those people with Stevie Nicks, we knew we'd discovered the perfect new thing for ACE. Instead of having pathetic degenerates send their pictures in so they can be painted into an alarming composition with Stevie Nicks, they will send their onboard ride photos in, and the bozo sitting next to them will be replaced in the wonderful artwork by Werner Stengel, Herb Schmeck, Ron Toomer, or the entire Gravity Group. I hope they have Charles Dinn. He's so dreamy, and The Beast really is the bestest, most airtime-filled ride ever created."

"This is great!" exclaimed ACer Ted Baldknobber, 40. "I've always admired Werner Stengel, and I couldn't think of the appropriate way of showing this adoration. Now I know I can get a gorgeous art installation like 'Kim and Stevie' or 'Jon and Stevie' from the portrait website. And maybe I can get LaMarcus Thompson and myself on a tambourine or even tattoed on my ass."

"My life had no meaning whatsoever until I viewed the spectacular painting of 'Stevie and Tracy,' said ACE member Marty Feldman, 36. "Now I know that I can have Dennis McNulty riding beside me on Boulderdash forever. Although I wonder if we could leave Stevie and Tracy in the seat behind us for my painting. Seeing two women that hot and sexy and that close always gets my mind racing, you know?"

Sales of the Designer Paintings will begin on approximately September 3rd, the Almighty Benevolent Supreme Pasha told ARN&R.

--JCK



Report: HersheyPark Pops MTV Video Music Awards Winner

With the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards set to air tomorrow night, rumors have been flying about the likely winners. From betting pools to water cooler discussions, nothing is more important to any U.S. citizen than the winner of the awards. "I, like, heard that Justin Timberlake will win!" exclaimed fourteen-year-old Ashlee Gorms, interviewed outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.

But the actual winners' names are kept under lock and key, and all those rumors have just been rumors.

Until now.

ARN&R can exclusively report that the wildly successful HersheyPark Pops orchestra will win at least the Best Male Video prize, and possibly the Best Female Video and Best Group Video awards as well. After a bizarre rash of disqualifications, based generally on the other performers' intensely painful venereal diseases preventing their appearance at the show, the Pops will be added as last-minute nominees approximately an hour before the broadcast will begin.

The Pops' rousing performance of the theme to Star Wars will be the winning song. The Star Wars video, which has rapidly gained near-constant airplay on MTV, MTV-2, and VH-1, consists of a quickly-edited combination of the videotape taken by three tourists visiting on a hot Saturday afternoon along with solos performed by a violist standing in front of a life-size Darth Vader cutout.

"Awesome!" said Gorms when told of the orchestra's likely win. "That video totally rocks! But I don't know why they couldn't edit out that idiot yelling 'More up-bows!' He was a jerk."

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Breaking News -- Huge Six Flags Profits

For the first time in over a half-decade, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. announced mindblowingly incredibly unbelievably huge profits, thrilling investors with visions of a future of constant and enormous...

Oh, wait.

Sorry.

They lost metric assloads of money again. Didn't see that minus sign there.

Move on. Nothing to see here.
Ambassadors Fail in Mideast Peace Talks

After the latest round of violence between Israelis and Palestinians swept the Mideast this week, the United States took what many experts considered to be its boldest action in some years: sending in the Ambassadors. Sadly, the group of five high school youngsters serving as Ride Ambassadors at Worlds of Fun park, near Kansas City, unfortunately failed miserably in achieving lasting peace and harmony in the troubled region.

"I got the call personally from President George W. Bush," said Billy Joe Harrigan, 16. "I was proud to serve the interests of the world by flying over to India to work out the problems between the British and the Djiboutians. It didn't seem to work much, but we'll keep trying, just like we keep trying to get that dumb Boomerang to work right for more than four minutes at a time."

"It's too bad we couldn't succeed in doing, you know, that stuff or whatever," added Sue Canner, 15, in thoughtful, succinct fashion. "I tried to think of what I'd do to, you know, that thing or whatever on the Pirate Ship, but that didn't solve the problems for the Pakistanis and the Hare Krishnas or whoever it is that, you know, they don't get along or something."

Donte Stallworth, 18, noted that "anyone who doesn't love each other by Tuesday, we'll put them on Orient Express and ram those horsecollars down on their collarbones until they snap, and then those punks from Sri Lanka and Canada will fix stuff and we'll be heroes."

"Who are these cretins?" flustered United Nations Peace Discusser Umberto Boutros Darklighter said in a press conference this morning. "President Bush promises to help us resolve our problems with Palestinians, and then he sends over these idiot 'Ride ambassadors.'" -here Darklighter made those irritating air quotes with his fingers- "All they know about are amusement park attractions. They can't even figure out what country they're in or who they are supposed to be talking with! Why can't we get real negotiators?"

The question is a good one, but will likely remain unanswered. Today, high-ranking Israeli and Palestinian authorities assured ARN&R that they both fully intend to just go on killing and maiming and generally acting pretty much like complete assholes, and no Ride Ambassadors, Cast Members, or Special Happy Fun Mechanical Device Enabling Support Staff Technicians can stop them.

--JCK

Monday, August 25, 2003

Confirmed: Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom Will Get 'The Shaft' In 2004

Rival rumor reporting Web site, Screamscape.com, reported on Friday, August 22nd, that Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom would 'most likely get the shaft for 2004.' Much more well-informed and intellectually superior reporters at ARN&R were able to undeniably confirm that rumor today.

After a long night of heavy drinking and salacious skirt chasing on Saturday with Kentucky Kingdom vice-president and general manager Lee Graham, ARN&R reporter JWS challenged Graham to an all-nude grape jelly and brown gravy wrestling match. JWS wagered his entire collection of roller coaster shaped Frosted Flakes against Graham's ante of an exclusive interview about Kentucky Kingdom's plans for their new mystery attraction for 2004.

A very sickeningly sticky grape, gravy Graham lost his dignity as well as the wrestling match after being pinned in just less than 30 seconds by the admittedly considerably more experienced sweetmeat wrestler JWS. As a result of his embarrassing loss, Graham was forced to spill the beans about what is coming to Kentucky Kingdom in 2004.

In between numerous booze-induced blackouts, and while he wasn't 'praying to the porcelain god', Graham somewhat incoherently described the new ride.

"It's called The Love Shaft. It's made by Eminem from Swisherland and it's gonna kick ash. It's really, really, really tall and thick and stuff shoots out of it while people go up and down on it. Wanna see my own personal demonshrash... demonspraysh... essample of it?" warbled Graham with a lustfully devilish grin on his face.

JWS politely declined Graham's offer of a 'personal demonstration' of the new ride and instead pressed Graham for further details.

Several breath mints, two cold showers, and eight cups of coffee later, JWS was able to determine from Graham that the ride will actually be called simply 'The Shaft.' Intamin of Switzerland will manufacture the ride. It will be very similar to an S&S double-shot tower ride combined with exhilarating water effects. The tower will stand 225 feet tall and will accommodate 16 guests per ride cycle. Each ride cycle will last approximately 30 seconds. For the coup de grace, a fountain of water will spray out of the top of the ride drenching guests as they are bounced up and down on the tower.

The Shaft is expected to begin popping at Kentucky Kingdom in June 2004.

--JWS

Friday, August 22, 2003

Kings Island to Replace Water Park with Water Sports Fetish Section

Many stories have reported the fact that Parmount's Kings Island will be removing its Water Works water park after this season. Most speculation has focused on a bigger water park taking its place, in particular noting publicist comments suggesting that patrons bring their swimsuits.

But ARN&R can now exclusively report that those reports are wrong, or at least misguided. In fact, PKI will be replacing the entire section with a water park...but a water park of a different kind. Called "Golden Showers Lagoon," the 20-acre section of the park will be entirely dedicated to "water sports" fetishists -- those for whom urination and all of its variants are arousing.

"This is really an underserved market in the Cincinnati area," said Michael Poland, park spokesman. "If it goes well, we're thinking about retheming a lot of the park to other fetishes. Like maybe an inverted coaster with an area below it for foot fetishists to really get a good look at the riders' feet. We like to think outside the box here."

The equipment for the new park will be provided by NBGS International of New Braunfel's, Texas, and BucketsOfPee.com of Tijuana, Mexico. Patrons will be required to shower before and after leaving Golden Showers Lagoon and proper identification will be required.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Ex-Girlfriend Exposes Credit Fraud

The track record of enthusiast Jeremy Abernathy was exposed as fraudulent by an embittered ex-girlfriend Wednesday. Joining the Coasterbuzz and Roller Coaster Talk forums under the screen name “Jeremyisatool21”, Deanna Wonskilasti, 23, posted the following statement:

“I know that coaster enthusiasts take track records and credits seriously. I want all of you to know that Jeremy Abernathy, aka “NephewofBeast”, lied about his coaster credits, insulting whatever it is you guys stand for.”

Ms. Wonskilasti proceeded to list 9 coasters, including most notably Top Cat’s Taxi Jam (Paramount Kings Island), Vapor Trail (Sesame Place), and Ice Dragon (Universal Studios Islands of Adventure.) “He’s never even been to Sesame Place.” Said Ms. Wonskilasti, who was unceremoniously dumped by Abernathy after she told him she preferred the Beast Roller coaster to its follow up, Son of Beast. “I had to go public with this information to clear my own conscience, and to expose him as a complete jackass.”

“Why Mr. Abernathy would falsify his track record is a mystery,” said Jeff Putz, Coasterbuzz Webmaster and President in an exclusive ARN&R interview. “Nobody is judged on their track record -- and there is absolutely no pressure to ride coasters for the sake of ‘credits.’”

Jeremy Abernathy could not be reached for comment at press time.

--MMS

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Celebrate 350 Years of ARN&R by Giving Us Money

Why, it just seems like eleven months ago that we started this fine journal of amusement park news and rumors. And yet here we are, 350 years later, still going strong with tens and tens of readers.

How can you help celebrate, you ask? Why, by buying crap! In particular, you can buy a special 350th anniversary shirt, featuring headlines from those centuries! See what ACErs had to say about the earliest Russian ice slides and Paul Ruben's reaction to the very first Boomerang!

Also, it looks like we'll be out in force at Knoebel's fall event (which we refuse to name because of the constant and annoying use of "ph" in all materials...though we admit to some amusement at being directed not to have costumes that are too "phat"). Drop us a line if you too want to be part of the 350th Annual AbsolutelyReliableCon. There will be gravy.*




* if demand exists. Frankly, beer is more likely.
Wal-Mart Stores To Start Selling Vekoma Roller Coasters

The Wal-Mart Corporation announced today that, based on the outrageously successful sales of the Six Flags Cool Coaster toy at Wal-Mart stores nationwide, the discount department store chain will begin stocking full-size Vekoma suspended looping roller coasters at all of their North American locations later this year.

In an exclusive interview with H. Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, ARN&R learned that Wal-Mart and Netherlands based Vekoma Rides were in the final stages of negotiations concerning the pricing and product positioning of the coasters. "There are just a few minor details to iron out. Vekoma wants to be sure that their superior product receives premium end-cap placement in high foot traffic areas within all of our stores, and we want to be sure that we get the best possible cost savings. We're working on a compromise right now. As soon as those negotiations are complete, the coasters will be on our shelves, hopefully in plenty of time for the 2003 holiday shopping season," said Scott.

Wal-Mart expects that because of the chain's tremendous purchasing power, they will be able to buy the coasters in bulk from Vekoma, thereby significantly lowering the cost per unit. Those cost savings will be passed on directly to consumers. The expected shelf price for a no-frills cookie-cutter suspended looping coaster will be somewhere around $119.97.

"You never know though. The price could go down even lower than that if that price-cutting little smiley face guy happens to swing by and do his magic price-lowering whistle thingy," said Fairfax, Virginia Wal-Mart cashier, Maxwell Cunningham.

The Six Flags Corporation has already placed several hundred pre-orders with Wal-Mart for the discount coasters. "At that price, we can afford to put ten or twenty Mind Erasers in every single Six Flags park," boasted Six Flags COO, Gary Story.

Wal-Mart is also reportedly in negotiations with German flat ride manufacturer, Huss Rides, and hopes to be stocking Giant Top Spins and Giant Frisbees in time for the 2004 holiday shopping season.

--JWS

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Cathy Lee Gifford Appointed Visionland GM

This past week, the theme park world was thrown into turmoil with the announcement that Visionland General Manager Terry Lee Mackey had been arrested, and was later fined, for child labor law violations. Cited for forcing child employees to work past 9PM and to work 14-hour shifts, both Alabama state violations, Mackey was sent to the “Time-Out Chair” by Visionland and relieved of duty by Park Superintendent William Chalmers. There was previous speculation that Mackey would be disciplined for giving paddlings and for making employees wash his blackboards, but these charges were eventually dropped by the state.

In a hastily called press conference, Chalmers announced that the park had seen the error of its ways. “We have seen the error of our ways,” he stated. “We know that our previous manager would run his child labor force into the ground, driving them before him like sweaty, broken animals. The very sight of these poor, flea-bitten, glazed youngsters carting rocks up and down a quarry filled me with weepy sadness. So, in order to rectify our now-sullied image, we are making a bold hiring decision that will demonstrate to the world just how much we care about children and fair labor practices involving them. May I introduce our new general manager, Cathy Lee Gifford!”

Gifford declined to comment to reporters, as she was already busy converting Visionland to a dank, mosquito-infested sweatshop. “Churn those shoes out, you little f%*ker!” she was heard to scream at an eight-year-old Montgomery native, Benjamin Wilkins. Cruelly lashing her bullwhip across the buttocks of several ride attendants who weren’t working fast enough for her satisfaction, Gifford was heard to yell, “My precious Cody needs a Rolls Royce, his own Six Flags park, and mountains of beautiful designer gravy, and I’ll flog anyone who stands in his way!”

Alabama chief labor inspector Wolfgang Trammel told ARN&R that he was “somewhat concerned” about Visionland’s commitment to protecting its child labor force, but that his department would “take a wait-and-see approach” to the situation.

--JCK
Six Flags Announces Park Rotation Program for 2004

The Six Flags Corporation unveiled plans today for their new "Theme Park Rotation" program scheduled to begin in early 2004. The exciting new program is reminiscent of the chain's existing and enormously popular roller coaster rotation program, in which the company moves many of their roller coasters from park to park throughout the country every few years in order to keep a park's coaster line-up fresh and ever-changing.

The new program will not only involve rotating the coasters from park to park, it will actually entail moving entire Six Flags theme parks from one location to another. Everything right down to the bare ground will be taken apart and loaded onto flatbed tractor-trailers to be trucked to another Six Flags property elsewhere in the country and then everything will be reassembled exactly as it was at its previous location.

Six Flags COO, Gary Story, had this to say about the new theme park rotation program:

"Our extensive consumer research has indicated to us that our guests are, quite frankly, sick and tired of visiting the same old local Six Flags theme parks year after year. I mean, how many times can you actually make yourself believe that you really did have a good time at Six Flags America, especially when you realize that there are nineteen other Six Flags owned theme parks scattered throughout the country, any one of which might be far better than that piece of crap? Furthermore, since people have been hesitant to travel too far from home lately, we thought that we would bring the parks to the people instead. After all, at Six Flags, guest satisfaction is our number one priority. Finally, we believe that the program makes a great deal of economic sense. We can move underperforming Six Flags parks to an area where no one knows yet how appalling that particular gawd-awful park is. Of course, people will flock to the transplanted parks initially because they will be new and fresh and exciting. By the time people figure out how much the relocated park -- say, Frontier City -- truly sucks, it'll have already moved on to another state and a whole new population of suckers... er, I mean guests. We are completely convinced that this park rotation program will turn the Six Flags Corporation around and get us back on the track to profitability."

According to information ascertained from official company documents, Six Flags plans to start the rotation program slowly at first moving only two parks in 2004 when Six Flags America will switch places with Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. By 2010, however, every Six Flags park will have moved from its current location to another site somewhere else in the country. Six Flags anticipates that the parks will return to their original locations approximately once every seventeen years, which will give people plenty of time to forget how much they hated a particular Six Flags park the last time it was in town.

If the rotation program is successful in the United States, Six Flags will incorporate their international properties into the mix starting in 2010.

--JWS

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Six Flags to Replace Batman Stunt Show with Puppetry of the Penis; Other New Shows Announced

Cast members of Six Flags America's "Batman Stunt Spectacular," many of whom had upwards of two months of acting experience, got bad news on Saturday, when park management informed them that the park chain had decided to change the show for the balance of this season and next, having hired cult favorite stage show "Puppetry of the Penis" to replace them. The show (known to its fans as "POTP") features "genital origami," where the stars form their penises into a variety of shapes while narrating humorously. The audience watches on enormous video screens behind the pair.

Simon Morley and David Friend, the show's creators and holders of the titular penises, said they were thrilled to be approached by the park. "Apparently the park manager came and saw our show in Arlington [Virginia] and just had a great time," said Morley.

"He came up to us after the show and said he'd been making puppets with his penis for a long time and saw this as a way to share this unique art form with the world," added Friend. "He offered to show us some new moves, but we declined." The Batman amphitheater will be completely revamped with seventy-foot screens installed along with 150-foot phalluses towering above the audience.

The genital origami will be part of a series of unique additions to SFA's entertainment offerings for the 2004 season. Spokesman Fred Sweetbreadsman shared some plans in an exclusive ARN&R interview.

"We've booked Laurie Anderson to perform her unique blend of pop music and performance art -- that'll take the place of that country music medley crap. Karen Finley will be slathering herself in chocolate -- naked of course -- on the hour, every hour, in the entry plaza. And we're going to have a whole series of modern art installations taking the place of Roar and the Typhoon Sea Coaster; they'll really explore the parkness of amusement parks, and what it means to be amused, or to be parked, and really unpack all of the thematic narratives that run through Six Flagsness, and take a serious look at how amusement rides reinforce the patriarchy in society."

According to initial reports, the first installation will consist of a milk-bottle game, where participants attempt to knock over three milk bottles at a time. Instead of a stuffed animal, however, winners will receive a bottle filled with the artist's urine while a full gospel choir sings Jane's Addiction songs out of key.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Star Tours to be Themed to Star Wars Holiday Special

Following what Disney sources claim was a "catastrophically awful reaction" to the new Star Tours II, the management of Disney Studios has shut the ride down yet again for a complete retheming after only a few short months. Says one inside source, “although our Imagineers were certain that a new attraction featuring non-stop playback of the video of that idiot who filmed himself with a lightsaber would bring in swarms of guests, it actually proved rather unpopular. However, we are now prepared to unleash Star Tours III.” Further information about the new attraction was gleaned the next day in a surprise press conference held by Rick McCallum, the executive producer of the three new Star Wars "films."

“We at Lucasfilm are proud to announce a new agreement for a brand-new, first-rate update of the current Star Tours ride,” he stated. “The new attraction will be themed entirely to the underrated 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special. While this film has been reviewed fairly negatively in the press, and George Lucas has told people that he’d love to take a hammer to each and every copy in existence, the two of us got together and decided, well, at least it’s better than the excrement we’ve been passing off as prequels. I mean, really, would you rather experience a thrilling ride that features both Bea Arthur trying to sing and a Wookie who looks like Adam Rich, or would you prefer that f&*king JarJar and that total garbage Attack of the Clones dialogue about the sand being rough and coarse? So, I got George to file away his hammer and embrace this bastard offspring of the Star Wars pantheon, and I know he and everyone else will adore the new ride.”

Star Tours III will begin with a preshow featuring Wookies with crappy costumes mumbling incomprehensibly in their native tongue without benefit of translation. This will set the mood for the ride. Then riders will experience a series of themed rooms: first, they will experience that bizarre and not-family-friendly porno chair that Chewie’s dad “Itchy” uses. Second, riders will be assaulted by the “voice” of Bea Arthur. Then the action really doesn’t let up until the end; riders will experience such thrills as Mark Hamill’s God-awful hairdo, evil stormtroopers breaking Chewie’s stupid son’s toy, Boba Fett galloping around on the back of a big lizard, and a coke-addled Carrie Fisher singing the beyond-hideous Life Day song.

McCallum continued: “We are unsure at this time whether all the major stars will make appearances for the ride. We know that Mark Hamill needs the work, for sure. Count him in. Harrison Ford pretty much phoned in his performance in the original Holiday Special, so we aren’t worried about it this time around. And Carrie Fisher may make a cameo, but we’re going to have to put the vocal coaches on her right away, since, due to our desire for a gritty, more realistic presentation this time, she’ll need to sing the Life Day song in the original Shriiwook instead of English. Er…I mean Basic. Sorry.”

In other news, the Disney Studios additionally announced that the Great Movie Ride would also be shutting down for rehab on September 1st. Said our source, “it’s not a full retheming like Star Tours III. This one is only for a modest expansion; we’ve simply got to update the exciting movie scenes in that ride to reflect the great cinema of today. After we add such important works as Freddy Got Fingered, Battlefield Earth, Gigli, Enough, and Extreme Ops, we’ll have it up and running again by early October."

--JCK

[Author's Note: Hey! Look at that...amusement park toolishness and Star Wars ├╝ber-geekery combined in one article! Now if that doesn't get me laid tonight, I just don't know what will!]
Hulk Coaster Denies Culpability in Blackouts

Appearing at a press conference today, the Incredible Hulk roller coaster, based at Islands of Adventure, denied any involvement in the recent blackouts that crippled New York City and substantial portions of states from Michigan to Connecticut, as well as parts of Canada.

“I am appearing before you today to assure all the media, my friends, family, teammates, and fans that I am blameless in the events which transfigurated in the Northeast,” said the ride. “Although I do use a great deal of power, I would never be irrepressible with it and cause these terrible blackout conditions. I am hurt that people believe these is my doings and I will be proven innocent eventually.” Hulk then began sobbing uncontrollably and heaving its manly shoulders. Cat in the Hat then came over to console the despondent thrill ride.

Authorities questioned the coaster Friday, but released it without making any official criminal charges against it. “Hulk is not under arrest,” stated Anita Hoare, the lead detective assigned to the case. “However, we certainly consider it a suspect. IOA continually brags about how they had to build a huge separate power station just to handle the coaster train launches of Incredible Hulk, or else every launch would black out the city of Orlando. This certainly seems suspicious to us.”

Returning to the podium after its sobbing and blubbering had tapered off, Hulk announced that it had dramatic evidence the blackouts were caused by the enormous power drain caused by the Lil Whipper Snapper, a twelve-foot family steel coaster located at Hoffman’s Playland near Albany, New York.

--JCK

Friday, August 15, 2003

ThrillNetwork Club Announces Event, ERT

In a press release issued to all major news outlets, world-famous amusement park website and constant source of amusement ThrillNetwork announced its 2004 Club event. Surprising all those who noticed that the ThrillNetwork Club had disappeared from view, the announcement features exclusive ride time at not one but two venues:

"First up is a full hour of ERT on the Python Pit at up-and-coming park Jeepers!, in West Nyack, New York. We all have heard the stories about the Jeepers! in Olathe, Kansas, getting a flying B&M themed to the Faces of Death video series -- here's your chance to ask the management at this great park whether the Freddy vs. Jason dueling B&M inverted coaster rumors are true for this spot! ERT starts at 3:00 a.m. on February 21, 2004, and is contingent on more people than just that one dude named Roman showing up."

The press release continues:

"On the next day, a convenient 23-hour drive away, we'll have full run of the Chuck E. Cheese in South St. Paul, Minnesota, for a full 90 minutes. We're not quite sure, but we think they at least have some of those little cars you can ride for a quarter, and, well, there's pizza!"

A small-print disclaimer notes that nine-year-old Bobby Fleming of North St. Paul will also be holding a birthday party at the facility and asks members to refrain from eating his cake or friends.

Upon receiving the press release, the American Coaster Enthusiasts, CoasterBuzz, Thrillride!, Knoebel's, Cedar Point, and every other coaster group, website, or park planning an event for 2004 cancelled it. "Why bother trying to compete?" asked ACE President, Godmother of Soul, and Hardest Working Woman in Midlevel Poorly Managed Group Business Carole Sanderson.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Howl-O-Scream Schedule and Attractions Announced

Busch Gardens Tampa made a veritable passel of information available this evening, as the park launched the website for the 2003 Howl-O-Scream event. Featuring scare zones, haunted houses, and night riding on certain coasters and other attractions, the event will take place on October 3rd, 4th, 10th, 11th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 30th,and 31st, as well as November 1st. ARN&R is pleased to give the exclusive scoop on what the six haunted houses will unleash upon horrified guests.

Returning from last season will be the popular Ripper’s Row and Mortuary houses. However, there will be four all-new haunted attractions that will, in the words of one confidential spy from high up in park management, "scare the living s%$# out of everyone."

First off will be Lorikeets of Utter Damnation. Guests will enter the Lorikeet Landing area to view the brilliantly colorful birds, after which the small, Satan-possessed avians will violently pluck out guests’ eyeballs for use in merry games that our source assures us “the children will just love.” There will be the usual extra charge for the little cups of nectar the guests can use to feed the Lorikeets.

Next will be Serengeti Hunt, where guests will be rubbed down with ripe meat drippings and then locked in the lion paddock in Edge of Africa. “Many of our guests have mentioned that the Universal parks have had a haunted house that featured a lot of running around in the dark past scary rooms,” said our source. “This is our version, and we assume that the incentive of not being ripped limb from limb and devoured by a hungry pride of big cats will keep mood-spoiling troublemakers from having a negative effect on those parkgoers who are really trying to have fun.”

The third new haunted attraction will be the Swamp of Unholy Terror, where visitors negotiate a complex obstacle course through mud, gurgling water, and fog. The ultimate peril of the swamp lies in a climactic encounter with a deadly river otter. “We’re still working on this one,” admits the source. “Although our marketing indicated the river otter would be an excellent choice for loosening the vocal chords, and bowels, of our scared-stiff clientele, it appears that many people find the river otter to be ‘amazingly cute’ rather than ‘the most horrifying nightmare beast they could ever imagine.’ We’ve had to fire some of our design team over this one, but we’re tinkering with the thing and it’ll be really good by October. Just out of curiosity, lots of people are really freaked out by soft, fluffy little bunny rabbits, right? No? Oh well.”

And finally, the source indicates a fourth haunted house will be King Tut’s Tomb. When confronted by the information that this is a standard BGT attraction that has been operating at the park for a number of years, the source claimed that “it might not be the least bit scary, but King Tut’s Tomb is definitely the most horrifying thing we could think of to subject people to. We think that pile of crap’ll be the hit of the Howl-O-Scream!”

--JCK

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Six Flags Finds Billion Dollars

In an announcement that company spokespeople insisted had nothing whatsoever to do with the recent collapse of its stock price, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. issued a press release today informing the investing public that it had "found" roughly one billion dollars.

"It was the wildest thing," said Gary Story, chain COO. "This one guy who's run the Dippin' Dots stand at The Great Escape for the past three seasons had never quite learned how to turn in his till at the end of the day, and nobody ever noticed. Well, he finally called in sick one day and the person who took his place told us he'd found a lot of money stuffed in the cash register. And, since Dippin' Dots is pretty much free to make -- you know, one part cow urine, one part sugar, and a whole lotta dry ice -- that's pretty much pure profit. You hear that, Wall Street -- profit! From us!"

Company accountants counted the money carefully and determined that the stand had collected $1.05 billion dollars over the past three years. "It's been pretty hot here," said Great Escape food service manager Katherine Danke in an interview with Gary Story standing directly behind her. "For, um, three years. And there have been some serious lines there at the Dippin' Dots booth, and I don't need to remind you that Dippin' Dots is the ice cream of the future."

Six Flags's stock price was up 85% on the news.

In what we are certain is completely and totally unrelated news, thirty-four banks in a ten-mile radius around Six Flags's corporate offices in Oklahoma City reported being robbed by criminals dressed in Time Warner cartoon character outfits, with a total loss of just over one billion dollars.

Monday, August 11, 2003

Breaking News -- Six Flags Magic Mountain to Run for Governor of California

While details are still sketchy, ARN&R can exclusively report that Six Flags Magic Mountain has decided to enter the race for governor and filed the necessary paperwork quietly several days ago. "Heck, we only lost $100 million last year -- that's a whole lot less than Gray Davis has!" said the park in an exclusive interview. Initial reports have the park's platform being based on spending billions of dollars on experimental highways that will never actually operate as designed.

--AT
Hersheypark to Build World's Fastest Hydraulic Elevator

Hersheypark amusement park, in world famous Hershey, Pennsylvania, announced yesterday at high-noon that something big and exciting would be coming to central Pennsylvania's largest thrill park in the year 2004. The announcement came along with an announcement that its launched coaster plans had been cancelled due to "a really slow year of sales at the roasted nuts booth."

"We're absolutely thrilled about our newest, currently unnamed attraction for the 2004 season," said a Hersheypark public relations official. "Our planning and development department keeps up on all the latest trends and new technologies. Of course when we heard about the latest thrill ride technology, hydraulics, we were overjoyed. We knew that we would want to be among the first to install one of Intamin's exciting hydraulic beasts so we set to work on a concept for an amazingly fun and amazingly reliable ride."

Hersheypark noted a few days before the announcement that their new thrill ride would be a "third of a kind" attraction. "Of course the first two installiations of Intamin's hydraulic technology are Xcelerator at Knott's Berry Farm in Buena Park, California and Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, but we wanted something to really push the envelope," quipped Hersheypark's vice president of planning and development. "We wanted to thrill the socks off of our guests, hopefully increasing sock sales in our gift shops, and what we came up with was a super-high capacity thrill machine that we've codenamed "2004 Attraction."

He continued: "'2004 Attraction,' whose name will be chosen by park guests at our website, will defy gravity in not one, but two totally opposite directions! Not only will '2004 Attraction' move up, but it will also move down! It's going to be the most amazing and extreme thing anybody has ever seen!"

Yesterday at noon the park unveiled its monstrosity. Citing inspiration gained on a trip to Walt Disney World's Disney/MGM Studios and taking a spin on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror and going for a ride in the Hershey public library's elevator to the basement, the park's P&D department, in conjunction with Herbert Schmeck and the crew at Intamin, designed the world's fastest and highest hydraulic elevator.

Hydraulic elevators, known for their lack of speed and limited height due to the deep shafts that must be bored into the ground for the car's support tubes, are often used in small commercial buildings such as office complexes, libraries, and some hospitals.

Sandor Kernacs, President of Intamin AG, had this to say about "2004 Attraction":

"We at Intamin were faced with several challenges. First, traditional hydraulic elevators cannot normally service beyond five stories due to the deep shafts that must be dug for the equipment. Second, they cannot normally travel at speeds beyond 2 km/h because of the hydraulic mechanisms that are employed. For '2004 Attraction' we were able to, after much thinking, double both of those figures. Our new hydraulic elevator will stretch ten stories and travel at speeds of up to 4 km/h! All of this with a minimal support structure that will admittedly have to be modified after a year of operation."

The marketing department at Hersheypark encourages all Hersheypark guests to vote on the name of their new ride at www.hersheypark.com. The three name choices are "Rent-a-guy," "Elevator Stampede," and "Storm Walker." Voting ends August 15th.

--WCT
Six Flags Over Georgia Blows Settlement Money

According to sources close to ARN&R, Six Flags Over Georgia managed to spend over 454 million dollars within a period of approximately seven months. The massive sum was allegedly the entire settlement won by the park in a long-running lawsuit over Time Warner mismanagement of the property while the company owned Six Flags Over Georgia.

Although many insiders assumed the SFOG settlement would mean payments to stockholders or new rides for the park, all the money was apparently diverted into a special slush account for the park, which managed to live a life of incredible excess and debauchery until the funds ran dry. Among the purchases made by the park were a dozen Bengal Tigers and assorted wild game for them to hunt, hundreds of thousands of dollars of gold jewelry, a Bentley, a million dollars of cell phone calls using various calling plans, Claude Mabillard, and an oceanfront luxury home formerly owned by Absolutely Reliable before construction was completed on the brand new Absolutely Reliable Mansion last year.

Speaking in a high, squeaky voice and appearing before cameras with a new tattoo across its forehead, Six Flags Over Georgia claimed in answer to questions about the pile of dough it had spent, "At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that's who you come to see." SFOG also added, for no apparent reason whatsoever, that it "can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

The park also reportedly spent 113 million dollars on Strawberry Boone's Farm and Thunderbird, 19 million dollars tipping "Tiffani" at the nearby Meow Mix Club, 14 million dollars on Girls Gone Wild Videos, 23 million dollars for tattoos and body piercings, and most shocking of all, a $20 membership in the AbsolutelyReliableClub. In response to a reporter's question on "how could a park spend millions on low class trash like that and neglect to hire anyone to even clean its toilets once in a while," SFOG responded that "I want to rip out Six Flags America's heart and feed it to itself. I want to kill parks. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their Batman Stunt Shows."

The clearly deranged park then leapt onto a nearby Dollywood and bit a large chunk of its ear off, essentially ending the press conference.

--JCK

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Coaster Enthusiasts Lower Expectations, Find Love at IOA

In a daring move to perk up sluggish attendance, Universal Studios Islands of Adventure theme park in Orlando, Florida has announced a new dating service targeted at coaster enthusiasts.

“The ‘Single Riders’ lines at our top attractions are primarily for anyone who wishes to ride alone,” said Herschel Goodbody, Director of Public Relations. “But, since the predominant number of people who visit our parks alone are lonely, Croakie-wearing enthusiasts, we thought we’d try to entice them with the idea that they could make new friends and even find love in the single riders line.”

To launch the new program, ACE and Coasterbuzz members were enticed with ERT on Dueling Dragons. The attendees were given brochures written by Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III with tips on making a good first impression and how to not drool during a conversation. The 250 men and 5 women also filled out questionnaires rating their top 5 coasters (wooden and steel),which was provided to ride operators to facilitate matchmaking. Orlando dating service Lowered Expectations™ provided complimentary on-ride photos so that the attendees could prove to their friends they had ridden next to a member of the opposite sex.

Later that day, two coaster enthusiasts, Jeanne “CPGoddess3454” Strudelkopf and Marty “IOAlover546” Greenblatz, found each other in the Single Riders line for IOA’s Hulk roller coaster. “We immediately connected – Marty was wearing a shirt from my home park, Knoebels.” said Strudelkopf. “It turns out we live in the same state!” The two exchanged IM screen names and planned to continue seeing each other by connecting via the Coasterbuzz meetup calendar. What Jeanne doesn’t know is that there will be a surprise from Marty on their next visit to IOA. “I plan to propose to Jeanne, and want to do it at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure. I’m not sure if I’ll pop the question on Fire or Ice, but wherever I decide, I hope she says yes!”

--MMS/CSB

Friday, August 08, 2003

Gravity Group Announces Opening of Check Cashing Store

After keeping the amusement industry waiting impatiently to hear its next big announcement, wooden coaster design firm The Gravity Group finally broke the silence and set October 1, 2003, as the hoped-for grand opening of its check-cashing franchise "Cash Now."

The store, to be located somewhere in suburban Cincinnati, will feature an array of financial and non-financial services centered on the franchise chain's famous "payday loan."

"We're thrilled to be able to provide check cashing services to whatever section of Cincinnati we end up in," said Michael Graham, one of the company's coaster designers and second-shift cashier. "We'll provide outstanding check cashing and other services, just like we provide great coaster maintenance and services to all of our clients...er, our one client, anyway."

When asked about the seeming disconnect between check cashing and coaster design, Graham professed confusion and said that "they're so closely connected it's not even worth talking about."

In related news, inside sources at the company insist that you did not see them applying for jobs at Pizza Hut.
Garfield News Baffles, Outrages

A clarification seems to be in order for our friends over at Kennywood Boulevard and Kennywood Connection. Indeed, we cannot take credit here for springing the news that the Old Mill will be changing to Garfield and Odie 3D; instead, Screamscape may be thanked for the scoop, and in fact we linked to them in our original article. However, we did break the news about the actual details of the new ride, and we did uncover the planned refurbishments of the other attractions, such as the looping Jack Rabbit and anal probes on Goldrusher.

And remember, each and every thing written on this website is completely factual. We employ the finest army of inside sources and clever reporters, and we would never, ever think of making anything up. That's why we're called Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors!
Six Flags Stock Price Leaps on News of Talks with Ninth-Graders

Six Flags's ailing stock price had a boost yesterday on news that the company was discussing "strategic opportunities" with a ninth-grade course focused on allowance management. Most analysts believe that these talks encompassed far more than a simple partnership, instead contemplating a takeover of the park chain by the Oklahoma City area youths.

"This is terrific news for stockholders," said analyst John Terry. "The kids will definitely know how to run these parks far better than Gary Story and his ilk."

Austin Zalgo, one of the students, acted as the class's spokesman. "We're planning on making all of the coasters faster! And add loops to all of them! And we'll sell alcohol to everyone, whether or not they have an I.D.! And we'll get rid of all that crap for little kids and sell no drinks besides Mountain Dew." Zalgo added that the class had raised approximately $450 by selling candy bars; analyst Terry indicated that he felt that amount represented "a more than fair price" for the park chain.

Most industry analysts, while mildly skeptical of the class's plans, indicated a strong belief that those plans would be far superior to the bizarre strategy followed by current Six Flags management. They also expressed hopes for rumors of strategic talks with the Mob, the producers of Home Improvement, or former Enron executives.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Coming Soon: Six Flags Love Canal

In an unusual move, Six Flags Inc., which has a reputation for buying underperforming properties and seeking to turn them around, has signed a purchase and sale agreement for approximately 124 acres in Love Canal in New York. The site is renowned world wide as the recipient of the first Superfund, the largest federal hazardous waste cleanup in history.

"This purchase represents a significant step forward for our neighborhood," said Marcy Turcotte, a long time resident. "We bought our house here knowing that there was nowhere to go but up. I mean, living on a toxic waste dump was a good financial move but there really was nothing to do around here. Now we'll have Six Flags. I think they'll fit right in."

A representative from Six Flags, who spoke on conditions of anonymity, said this would be a challenge for the chain. "Unlike most parks we've purchased, this one is just a plot of land. So this will be our first property built from the ground up. But we're confident we've got a hit with Love Canal. It's a name with high recognition. We think it will dovetail nicely with the Six Flags brand. The site, right next to Niagara Falls, is a prime tourist area."

In 1978, Love Canal gained notoriety when toxic waste from years of dumping in the 3000-foot-long canal began surfacing in residents' backyards. The government proclaimed the area habitable after ten years of clean-up. Six Flags plans to incorporate a water park in the canal itself.

"There are some great ideas on the drawing boards," the representative said. "As with our other properties, we really want to focus on the local identity." Among the thrill rides being considered is a suspended looping roller coaster by Vekoma themed to Spiderman. "Spiderman is a great tie-in, since Peter Parker was a victim of radiation poisoning," the representative continued. Other attractions will include an interactive simulation ride through a nuclear reactor that melts down and a stunt show based upon the popular comic book character Toxic Avenger. If approved by local councils, Six Flags hopes to have the park ready for the 30th anniversary of the Love Canal incident.

Six Flags Inc. currently owns two other properties in the state: The Great Escape in Lake George and Six Flags Darien Lake in Darien Center. When asked whether three Six Flags parks within a few hours drive of each other were too much, the representative responded, "You can never have too much Six Flags."

--JRD
Kennywood Announces Updates For Older Attractions

Exciting news from Kennywood Amusement Park reached ARN&R tonight, as the legendary venue announced a series of extensive refurbishments and updates to what the upper management refers to as “those boring, stupid, crappy old rides that suck ass and stuff.”

The first ride to be reworked is the Old Mill, which is beloved by longtime park visitors and amusement park buffs for being one of the last remaining “tunnel of love” boat attractions left in the world. Standing since 1902 and featuring a nostalgic and extensive boat ride past numerous scenes, the historically important attraction was deemed by management to be “completely dorky, and in need of some radical theming.” The ride is slated to become Garfield and Odie 3D, featuring what a park manager refers to as “reasonably historically accurate scenes representing Garfield and Odie eating, defecating, and starring in unwatchable television specials.” A park insider tells ARN&R that the attraction will produce “a sensory overload.”

Aside from the visual and audio stimulation provided by animatronics and projected 3D film segments, the other senses of the passengers will also be assailed. Says the inside source, “The ride will feature three separate sections where mountains of cat dander and hair will be blown into passengers at 50 miles per hour. The smell of cat spraint will be overpowering. And several random boats per hour will have a very angry stray tomcat thrown onto a passenger’s head, so the riders will know what it would be like to be ripped limb from limb by Garfield if they were to piss him off.”

The Garfield and Odie 3D ride is only the first of the “old, stupid, worthless Kennywood rides” to be re-imagined, stated a park rep. Other rides to be spruced up include the Jack Rabbit, which will be torn to the ground and given an exciting, all-new steel structure that allows for loops and tight turns, an upgrade reportedly to be provided by French designer Soquet. The Thunderbolt will have its boring, dumb tracer lights, classic trains, and unique logo removed, since they are historical and therefore idiotic. The entire structure will run with Morgan trains and the structure will be painted puce and teal, with paisley highlights. And finally, the rare Turtle attraction will have LIMs attached so that riders no longer have to experience nostalgia in a gentle, fun, undulating manner, but instead will feel it in their spleens as they rocket in tight circles at 80 miles per hour.

“History sucks balls,” said the rep. “Marketing kicks ass!”

--JCK

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy "Gives Up" On ACE Member

The taping of a recent episode of Bravo TV's new series, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, was halted after the five stars of the hit show decided unanimously that there was just no possible way that they could make their most recent straight guy appear attractive or seem even remotely interesting.

The episode was to feature ACE member Lance Fargun getting a makeover by the Fab Five while everyone discussed the latest and greatest new roller coasters and other amusement park happenings around the country. As a promotional tie-in, the group was also scheduled to make a post-makeover appearance at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey. Those plans have been scrapped as well.

The cast and crew realized as soon as they met Lance that they had quite a challenge ahead of them. After all, how easy could it be to make a hirsute, 310-pound, smelly, balding, Star Trek obsessed, coke bottle glasses wearing, roller coaster loving, freak of a geek seem at all interesting, much less look attractive? Confident in their abilities though, the Fab Five bravely move forward in their quest to reinvent Lance Fargun.

Taping had just barely begun when the cast and crew of the show started to realize their mammoth mistake. Fashion savant, Carson Kressley, was the first to express dismay at the situation. "There is just no @#$%-ing way that I can make you look trendy, hip and fashionable in a ratty old armpit-stained, moth-eaten Cedar Point Millennium Force t-shirt and a @#$%-ing scummy old jean jacket with ridiculously hideous roller coaster patches stuck all over it," Carson was overheard shrieking at Lance. "And, for the tenth, eleventh and twelfth time, NO, NO, NO, you do not look sexy in an official ACE club muumuu either," Carson continued.

Grooming Guru, Kyan Douglas did not have it any easier. After spending twenty minutes trying to guess which part of Lance's body each revolting odor was emanating from, thirty minutes filing the fungus off of Lance's toenails and two hours shaving the hair from Lance's back, ears, nose, toes and buttocks, a physically and emotionally drained Kyan fell to the ground, curled up into the fetal position and sobbed hysterically until his coworkers carried him off of the set.

Food and wine connoisseur, Ted Allen made one final unsuccessful endeavor to salvage the taping by attempting to educate Lance on fine food preparation and choosing the right wines to go with the right foods. However, after listening to Lance rant on and on incessantly about how "any meal without gravy, deep-fried Twinkies or at least something fried in hog lard" couldn't possibly be worth eating and how "Thunderbird is the best wine ever, and it already goes with everything", Ted realized that the five makeover mavens were in way over their heads with this project. The Fab Five quickly convinced the rest of the crew that it was time to pull the plug on this particular lifestyle conversion.

Lance was not the least bit taken aback by the whole turn of events and, if fact, was quite relieved to see the show leave. "At first, I thought it would be fun, and I hoped that maybe being on TV would help me score with some chicks. But, after that fruity design guy tried to tell me that it was time to take apart my K'nex roller coasters and put them away and when he suggested that maybe I shouldn't be wallpapering my apartment with amusement park brochures and souvenir photos of me riding roller coasters and eating churros at Six Flags Magic Mountain, I knew that these guys didn't really have a clue about anything," said Lance.

When ARN&R reporters asked Bravo TV if the show might consider replacing Lance with another, less disgusting ACE member for a future production, the show's producers responded by noting that their exhaustive interview and audition process had already eliminated every other member of ACE and that Lance was, in fact, the least repulsive member of ACE that the show could find. The show also held several unsuccessful auditions with members of fellow coaster enthusiast group, The Coaster Zombies, before abandoning the idea completely.

--JWS
ARN&R Editor-in-Chief Suddenly Notices Almost All Hate Mail Aimed at JCK Articles

JCK “Nervous,” Say Sources

In a troublesome turn of events, the ARN&R Editor-in-Chief just noticed that nearly every piece of hate mail ever sent to the website was directed at an article written by JCK. According to “absolutely reliable” sources, the writer was “quite nervous” and “explosively crapping his pants” in fear of what the main man might do with this information.

“We’ve gotten plenty of profoundly stupid hate missives in our mailbox over the last few months,” said the Editor. “And of course, there are loads of people who can’t stand us in various coaster forums on the internet. But it just dawned on me, all of a sudden as I was driving today, that nearly every article that’s made people send us comically misspelled and venomous hate letters was responding to something that guy wrote. And most of the irate Coasterbuzz and ThemeParkCritic dismissals seem to be based on junk he’s posted, too. I rue the day I hired that little jackass.”

The Editor-in-Chief went on to add, ”I mean, it’s really easy to lose track of all the trouble he’s caused. For instance, that Amnesty International piece got us comments that we were wasting valuable internet space that would be better used for a real coaster rumor site, and mrceagle said ‘As a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all [sic] of my family take parks very seriuslyand [sic] all thow [sic] we laffed [sic] after time we were apoled [sic] by the joke.’ Later we got some comments on an anti-Disney article JCK wrote from the same guy. Xfan accused us of being drunks after the infamous Great Escape article, and Gordon Beeferman got mad that anyone had thought to concoct a name that happened to be the same as his. Guess what? JCK wrote both of those. People accused us of Jumping the Shark after his mullet article appeared, and even Lisa Marie Presley fans wrote nasty stuff about us after he claimed her singing voice was ‘reminiscent of a horny stray tomcat.’”

JCK pointed out to reporters that “the Coaster Preservation Organization catfight was technically started by the Editor-in-Chief, although we both naturally participated. And there was that other wacko who didn’t like the porno article the E-I-C wrote. And one of my friends wrote in upset about the JWS article where Snoopy kept humping people’s legs. It’s not just me that people hate!”

The Editor-in-Chief disputes JCK’s statements. “Okay, the two count for me, I guess. But the JWS one doesn’t count. That was a personal email from a friend to JCK, and it used actual English grammar and functional spelling, unlike any of the other comments we get. More importantly, I’d love JCK to show me all the hate mail directed at articles by MMS or RAS or MEC or FMB or anyone else who has written for us.” A few seconds later, he made a loud buzzing sound with his lips and yelled “Game Over! Yeah, that’s right. There hasn’t been any hate mail directed at their articles!”

The Editor-in-Chief has not yet stated whether JCK will merely suffer a reduction in salary or be made to undergo some sort of corporal punishment to atone for his copious sins. “We could cane him, or rip all his toenails off with tweezers, but I think a more satisfactory punishment, one that will teach the lesson best, is to have JCK strapped onto a Vekoma Flyer and left riding it for an entire afternoon. After that, he’ll agree to anything, even writing nice happy articles about fluffy bunnies and little puppy dogs and how much he enjoys Six Flags parks.”

--JCK

Monday, August 04, 2003

Frank Gehry Named as ACE Roller Coaster Museum Designer

In what can only be considered a tremendous surprise, the executive committee of the American Coaster Enthusiasts today announced that master architect Frank Gehry would be the designer of the ACE National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives, the major project currently under development by the organization.

Most famous for his design for the outstanding Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao, Spain, Gehry’s plans for the NRCMA feature his trademark sinuous curves of iridescent titanium interacting with shimmering glass and scrubbed marble and limestone. Occupying 32,000 square feet, the museum will feature a huge glass atrium on the ground level, with flowing staircases leading from there to various wings, including the research archives, the Mighty Hall of History (featuring postcards, photos, and donated coaster cars), and the all-important ERT (Exclusive Ride Time) Wing.

The centerpiece of the NRCMA will be the ACE Buffet Interactive Experience and Splashdown Area, a huge open playpen featuring rivers of barbecue, huge mobiles of hot dogs, and sculptures of the great coaster designers done completely with deep-fried Twinkies. According to Gehry, “the middle of the room will have a pyramidal glass ceiling, and the light entering through the ceiling will focus upon one of those giant cowboy hats they use to dump water on people in water parks. This one will, of course, be made entirely of titanium, and when the gravy gets dumped out all over everyone every ten minutes, the shimmering beauty of the natural light glistening off the pork fat and the titanium should produce a nearly unearthly beauty in this chamber.”

Gehry’s bid was reviewed by the ACE Executive Committee last week, and the group felt his plan was the one that would best support the group’s aims for its museum. Reportedly, the rejected bids included quite spectacular designs by Zaha Hadid, Richard Meier, and Rem Koolhaas, as well as what ACE Vice President Mark Cole described as “a really alarming number of crude Crayola and Bic Pen scribblings” sent in by adult ACE members hoping to have their designs approved.

“We are obviously pleased to move ahead with the construction of this all-important museum,” said ACE President Carole Sanderson. “Now, I’m sure everyone realizes that an architectural figure as important as Mr. Gehry won’t come cheap. We expect the facility to cost approximately 60 million dollars, with the added cost of putting five actual operational Vekoma rides in the Hall of Shame section of the museum. With that in mind, ACE membership fees will be expanded gradually over the next few years: $70 in 2004, $120 in 2005, $200 in 2006, and $50,000 in 2007. We also plead with members for more donations, and ACE itself has announced a ‘Challenge Grant’ where we will match any corporate donation of over 10 million dollars.”

Sanderson added, “And we’ll keep slapping our name on inferior products like that K-NEX thing to scrounge up a few more pennies, and our members will be required to whore themselves for Six Flags parks worldwide. For instance, after suffering through a miserable day at Kentucky Kingdom, ACE members will all go to park management and film a TV spot where they claim that ‘T2 is the funnest ride ever,’ the ‘landscaping here is first rate,’ ‘Viper is a brand new ride that has never been in operation at two other parks for the last twenty-five years,’ and ‘the guy in the Bugs Bunny costume certainly did not jam his hand down my pants and fondle my scrotum.’ For this service, the parks will make a major contribution to the museum fund. And really, since it’s already in the Code of Conduct that ACE members can’t dislike any roller coaster or park ever made, it’s not like this is a major problem for our members.”

Gehry released a statement indicating that groundbreaking would not progress until “those freaks actually send me a check that doesn’t bounce.”

--JCK
Golden Opportunity Wasted

Virulent despisers of ARN&R made a tremendous error Sunday, sources tell ARN&R. Apparently, the Editor-in-Chief and a longtime writer and occasional assistant editor for the blog were both viewed enjoying the rides at Six Flags New England this Sunday, yet no apparent attempts on their life were made.

“It seemed unwise for us to be seen together at a public venue, particularly an amusement park where we might be recognized by ACE and Coasterbuzz lunatics intent on ending our snippy and sarcastic ways,” said the Editor-in-Chief. “However, we bravely went forward into the pit of terror that is Six Flags New England without any bodyguards or fully automatic armaments.”

“We’re just f&$king studs to show balls like that,” added the mildly inebriated JCK. “Considering all that hate mail and the random death threats we receive, we could’ve cowered in shame, wetting our pants, but instead we hung out together and acted like coaster tools for the day. Take that, bee-yatches!”

Haters of the site are apparently livid. “Aw, crap. How did we miss sending an assassination squad after them?” asked ACE Happy Special Benevolent Friend for Life Carole Sanderson. “I’d love to work that burr out of my ass. Another time, ARN&R scum, another time….” She then cackled shrilly.

“Thouse assholes beign too stuopid I hate thems why we not findig them to get ride if?” read a statement from lawyers representing the Coaster Preservation Club and Gordon Beeferman.

Inside sources report that the sources may or may not appear together at amusement parks sometime in September. The wet work squads of the American Coaster Enthusiasts and the CPC are said to be in intense training in the case that this information proves to be true.

--JCK

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Hersheypark Attraction Named

Breaking News

Although Hersheypark announced a few days ago that it would be adding an exciting new attraction to the park, executives refused at that time to release the name of this thrilling Pony Ride to the general public. After several days of breathless anticipation, ACErs (members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts) and the GP (scum) had their semi-patience rewarded by the Hersheypark's announcement, via their website, of what the Pony Ride's official moniker would be.

"Prepare for the unleashing of the ultimate in thrills and unholy terror," said the announcement. "Misty of Chincoteague: The Xtreme Armageddon promises to ride rough over visitors next Spring!"

Queries by ARN&R to various Hersheypark executives revealed that the MOC:TXA logo will feature a menacing demon horse charging toward the viewer, with foam and blood spewing left and right from a terrifying maw laden with razor-sharp fangs. Conflicting information makes it unclear whether Satan himself will be astride the cruel, evil beast, whipping it into a human-flesh-devouring frenzy, or whether Misty alone will be stampeding toward horrified onlookers.

The souvenir list has been refined since the initial announcement of the new ride. Products will include an "I Survived My Still-Beating Heart Being Torn From My Chest by Misty of Chincoteague and Devoured by Her as I Watched " T-shirt, onboard ride photos capturing the slack-jawed dismay and horror of being led in a circle on a regularly pooping animal at approximately 5 miles per hour, and a home knackery kit.

In a related story to be watched closely by ARN&R, playwright Peter Shaffer has announced plans to file a lawsuit against Hersheypark. "The use of the equine theme and the merchandising are all clearly inspired by Mr. Shaffer's play Equus, and we will be demanding a large percentage of their profits," his lawyer told us. "They are clearly the Vanilla Ice to our Queen."

--JCK

Friday, August 01, 2003

Impromptu ERT Surprises, Confuses

Coaster Enthusiasts visiting Six Flags Great America this week got an unexpected ERT session on the child-sized Spacely Sprockets roller coaster.

"It was great – a group of us decided to go on for the credit, and when we pulled into the station the ride op gave us a big smile and let us go again," said Cyril J. Dogwood, known to his fellow Coasterbuzz members as "GAmTool32543." "The kids in line with their parents didn’t even look upset – they all smiled and waved at us! ACErs are finally getting the respect we deserve from the GP!"

Ride Operator Sandy Von Mincherhousen was confused when she learned that the group of men, all aged 26-35, were coaster enthusiasts. "They were all wearing safety glasses and fanny packs, and boarding the Sprockets in a big group. I suspected they were visiting from Misericordia Home, since our park does so much work with the mentally challenged. When they pulled back into the station, they were all high-fiving each other and one was even drooling a little –- I checked with some of the parents waiting with their kids and they all decided to let the ‘special’ guests get a second ride."

Miss Von Mincherhousen stands by her decision that the riders had some kind of disorder. "I watched enough of that Life Goes On show to know 'em when I see 'em."

-MMS/CSB