Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Enthusiast Not Nearly as Pathetic as Friends Tell Him

Coaster Enthusiast Chi Williams, 32, recently discovered that he is not nearly as pathetic as everyone tells him. Though his obsession with roller coasters has prevented him from learning how interact with others, engage in basic human sanitation, or avoid wearing his shorts pulled up past his nipples, Williams recently uncovered encouraging online evidence that there are many people who are far more pitiful and prone to receiving wedgies.

"Despite inability to converse about anything besides coasters, my sharing useless opinions about coasters with strangers in line who are trying to avoid me, and my nine hours per day spent posting to coaster message boards, I am amazingly attractive and cool," said Williams. "Relatively speaking, anyway."

Williams first directed ARN&R to a website for chain mail fetishists. "It's hard for me to believe my friends think I'm so lame when you look at Lord Randolph's Bristol Renaissance Festival pictorial. I look like Brad Pitt compared to those people! And I may never be able to have sex again...well, ever...after seeing the picture of the guy in the chain mail groin shroud."

"Those people are really stupid, too," noted the enthusiast. "Why are they calling it a Renaissance Festival and wearing armor? That should only be in a Medieval festival. They're in the wrong damn time period."

Williams then suddenly realized the room had gotten very quiet, and he nervously coughed.

"Anyway, there are even more ridiculous people out there than mere coaster enthusiasts," he continued. "Like, have you ever seen the people at Balticon? Man, I especially love the Manic Depressive, the Purple Wench, and the Operatic Courtesan. I don't even know what the hell this conference was, but I'm sure glad I blundered across its website so I can prove to everyone I know just how little of a tool I actually am!"

Finally, Williams proved once and for all that his utter fascination with coasters did not mark him as the most pathetic person in the world, as he called up the website for Knight Con 2004, a massive convention to celebrate all things Knight Rider. As the befuddled ARN&R staff perused the Knight Con's astounding list of activities, including a Miss Knight Contest, a Michael Knight Lookalike Contest, Knight Rider Star Autograph Sessions, Knight Rider Fanfic Awards, and, presumably, a chance to rub scented oils and unguents into David Hasselhoff's back hair, Williams contentedly smiled and pushed his duct taped-glass back into position.

Williams's friends are currently reviewing the evidence to determine if they are willing to alter their stance that Williams is the world's most complete dork.

--JCK (with research by FMB and the Grand Poobah)

Swift Boat Veterans Also Pretty Sure SFMM Is Cheating On Coaster Count

Adding to their controversial claims regarding John Kerry's service in Vietnam, "non-partisan" group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth today denounced Six Flags Magic Mountain for fraudulently inflating its coaster count. Specifically, the veterans' group contends that Superman: The Escape should not be counted as a roller coaster in the park's efforts to claim records.

"I know Six Flags is claiming Superman as a coaster, because I was there," says Jerome Corsi of the group in an advertisement being shown in swing states. "I was there on vacation. Last year. And that's no coaster."

Roy Hoffman, another member, declared, "Six Flags Magic Mountain is not fit to be a flagship park in this coaster chain, because it's lying about Superman. I was there, I saw it, and it doesn't do anything besides going up and then down again. Total one-trick pony. Plus, Flashback never runs so you shouldn't count that."

"Taer it down," he added in a written statement.