Sunday, January 09, 2005

New Feature: Ask Rob Viands

ARN&R is proud to announce our latest feature, "Ask Rob Viands." As you know, some weeks ago, we asked you, our readers, to write in with your questions for the well-known, loved and respected ride and coaster enthusiast Rob Viands. Each week we'll be picking three lucky readers to have their questions answered by this noted amusement park expert! As always, this is an ARN&R exclusive. So without further ado, the first week's installment of "Ask Rob Viands."

Dear Rob Viands,

I've been saving up my pennies and dimes for some time now, and I think I have enough to take the family on a nice, big family vacation! As Mormons, we're interested in wholesome entertainment, and are considering Orlando. But here's the pickle we're facing:

Do you think we should go with Disney, or the Universal parks? While I know Disney is famous, lots of people say great things about the Universal parks. Plus, if we do Universal, we can also probably squeeze in Busch Gardens Tampa.

Which do you reccomend?


Confused Mormons in Utah

Dear CMIU:

I hope more laws are passed stopping bogus lawsuits so the lawyers can go out of business and become waiters. Most of them are Jewish. They used to be doctors, but that's stopped. Now the doctors are Pakistani and you don't see many Jewish doctors any more.

And don't get married. If people didn't get married, lawyers wouldn't have divorce cases to handle. They're just middle men dividing everything up instead of a judge. If you can't divide on your own, then you go see the judge. Forget that, if people didn't get married, the hos wouldn't cheat, and then they'd just leave. Instead they get to clean the clock of the guy and the lawyers get rich.

If Jews want to become doctors again, then I'll respect them. But right now they're only CEOs and Lawyers. Cheap bastards.

And I wasn't drunk when I wrote that one, the hate is always there when it comes to cheap Jew bastards.


Rob V

Dear Rob Viands,

Please help me with an arguement I have with my best friend. Which is better? Disneyland or Magic Kingdom?

Betting in Boise

Dear BIB:

You see, most CEOs are Jewish, and their job is to cut company budgets so thin, that people lose their job.

Just answer this question you Jew Bag.

Are you looking to be a doctor, or lawyer?

I know the answer. It's a lawyer. Jews are no longer doctors because of the malpractice insurance rates. If Jews stoped suing Jews then there would be more good doctors. Instead, it's turned into a freakin' minimum wage job held by Indians and Pakistanis.


Rob V

Dear Rob Viands,

My family and I will be in the Northeast next summer, and would like to take a trip to a nearby park. Which park would you reccomend that has attractions for both kids, teens, and even us adults?

Thanks in advance,

Curious in California

Dear CIC:

Family rides blow. Even Burke from SF admitted it. They didn't do anything last year and paid for it.

Bring back coaster wars.


Now shut up you family people. Shut up.

People, it's real easy.

Just drink BUD.

Support Busch Gardens so they can build more coasters.

When I walk down the beer aisle at my grocery store, I think, "Gee, I'll try an import." Then I think, "Naw, I'll drink BUD and help Busch Gardens build a new coaster." Then I think, "I'll drink a case."

No brainer.


Gawd damd it.

You f*ckers.


Rob V

--MOS (with help from Rob Viands's actual posts on the newsgroup RRC)