Monday, December 29, 2003

Amusement Parks are so Fun!

Yep, it's time, kiddies. We've kicked that hideous holiday ornament website to the curb and hooked you up with a brand-new Site O' the Weak: Carlianne's Hobbies Page. (Carlianne???)

Be patient, as Carlianne's webpage may take quite some time to load if, like certain assistant editors, you still have dial-up. You see, Carlianne is so excited to share all of her hobbies, she put all of them on one endless webpage!

Please join us in experiencing Carlianne's exciting sitting-by-the-fire, shopping, and rubber-stampin' hobbies, hear how she likes "reading about godly romantic love stories, and how to pursue relationships in a way that pleases God," and find out her sister is named "Sharnessa" and sings in a band that everyone should see, "cuz they're REALLY AWESOME...and they TOTALLY love Jesus!"

Of course, it wouldn't make our Site O' the Weak unless it had some amusement parks. Carlianne provides us with exclamation-point-laden descriptions of Wild Waves/ Enchanted Village and West Edmonton Mall ("It was soooo much fun!!!!").

Congratulations Carlianne! You can add "appearing on Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors" as one of your six trillion hobbies!

--JCK
Six Flags Stock Prices Leaps on News of Christmas Income

Six Flags Theme Parks (NYSE: PARK) saw its stock price leap some 23% yesterday on news of unexpected income over the holidays.

According to Gary Story, outgoing park chain COO, the company received $25 in cash in a "really cute" holiday card from its great aunt and an additional $35 from its grandmother.

Additionally, Story and Kieran Burke, the chain's CEO, worked part-time over the holdiays at a Hickory Farms mall kiosk, bringing in a total of $645 after taxes. The net to the chain was $623, as Burke lost his uniform and its cost was deducted from his final paycheck.

"This $683 in pure profits is a great sign," said stock analyst Robert Damen of SmithBarneySolomonBurkeKline. "That's approximately, let me do the math, $683 more in profits than we've seen from them in years. If the chain stops operating its parks and shifts entirely to relative-sourced income and part-time work involving well-sealed sausages, it might just have a winning strategy. If, however, it continues to pursue the 'amusement park' idea, it's pretty much doomed."

Reports indicate that Story and Burke may pursue a job at an Oklahoma City mall location of Orange Julius, as the Hickory Farms kiosk is a seasonal operation. Burke is reportedly "addicted" to the outlet's "Cocoa Latte Swirls" and has become obsessed with obtaining an employee discount.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Reindeer Attacks Reporter

On Christmas Eve, numerous news sources in the United States carried footage of a pissed-off reindeer assaulting a reporter who had apparently spooked the animal by making a sudden movement while doing on on-air segment for an Alaska television station. What was only just discovered was that the reporter also provoked the reindeer beforehand with inflammatory taunts.

"It was just a shameless attempt to encourage a Santa-beast to tackle and molest me on TV," a contrite Meghan Stapleton told ARN&R in a private interview today. "I just wanted some ratings. I mean, I have to work in Alaska, for crying out loud. I snapped. Sorry."

ARN&R then learned from Stapleton that her statements to "Blitzen" were indeed caustic and insulting, and certainly were largely responsible for the assault by cloven hoof. "I figured it would have to cut deep if I were to get the reindeer to make a spectacle for the cameras," said Stapleton with a shrug. "So I whispered that I knew he loved Vekoma Boomerangs and that Raging Wolf Bobs was his favorite wood coaster. Man, he went ape-s**t."

"I mean deer-s**t," Stapleton corrected, after a moment.

Stapleton's affiliate has not thus far announced any disciplinary measures for the reporter's baiting of an interviewee.

--JCK

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Holiday World Announces New Hanukkah Section

Last year, Holiday World had one of its largest expansions to date, Professional Assistant Day Village. While many in the industry felt the park would rest on its laurels after this expansion and the major additions to the waterpark, those many in the industry were proven, quite frankly, to be idiots. Holiday World has just announced another major expansion for next season, Hannukah Heaven.

According to spokeswoman Paula Werne, "this new section will encompass everything Hanukkah has to offer. Our giant Festival of Lights parade will surpass anything Disney has ever attempted, and the food stalls will jam patrons to the gills with latkes and soofganiot. Among the new rides will be the Intamin launched coaster Top Thrill Menora, a new flat ride called the Dreidel of Doom, and a simulator called Rededication of the Holy Temple of Jerusalem: The Ride."

Werne noted that the name of the new section is still being fine-tuned. "We were really pleased with the name," she said, "since 'Hannukah Heaven' is alliterative and just sounds fun, but then some Jewish friends of ours informed us that most Jews don't believe in the concepts of Heaven and Hell, so we might have a problem. We're taking suggestions and will decide in the Spring whether to keep this current name or alter it prior to opening for the 2004 season."

Werne did caution park visitors that, no matter the name of the new themed land, "showing up to the park eight days in a row will not get you eight presents from the Holiday World staff."

--JCK

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Santa: Rudy's Rapid Transit a "Pathetic Imitation of a Sleigh Ride With Me"

Earlier today, Santa Claus took time off from a busy schedule of toy-making and coal-firing to denounce Rudy's Rapid Transit, a family roller coaster at Santa's Village, a small park in New Hampshire.

"This ride is an utter mockery of my reputation and standing in the community," said the not-so-jolly elf. "This park presents Rudy's Rapid Transit as a themed coaster meant to simulate riding in Santa's sleigh, pulled by Rudolph and the other reindeer. Bah! It's an absolutely pathetic f***ing imitation of the thrilling ride one would actually experience, would one be so fortunate as to ride in the actual sleigh controlled by yours truly. My sleigh ride is faster, taller, more unpredictable, and has f***ing spectacular rooftop landings. This piece of s*** goes like 10 miles an hour in a little figure eight."

"We're more than a little embarrassed," stated Santa's Village manager Geoffrey Bernardo. "Santa just showed up here a few days ago, wanting to ride the coaster. Although we've been closed for the season for some time, and the entire state is freezing cold, we naturally warmed the 'Triple R' up for Santa so he could ride. I mean, it's Santa, for crying out loud."

Apparently, Santa experienced forty minutes of EST (Exclusive Sleigh Time) on the coaster before asking to be let off. "Santa stormed out the front gate without another word," said a frazzled Bernardo. "You'd think he could say 'thank you' at least. We only had myself and a couple security guards here at the time, and we still managed to get it up and running to full speed in bad weather conditions."

Said Santa, "this ride is an abomination. It gives people the impression that I'm some sort of p***y who can't get his reindeer up to a decent speed or engage them in thrilling airborne maneuvers. Let me tell you a**holes something...if that stupid park doesn't take my name off the gate and Rudolph's off that dumb coaster, I swear I'll go Silent Night, Deadly Night on their asses! Boo-ya!"

--JCK
Site O' the Weak Redux

That stupid ornament site from last week was really the pits, wasn't it? In fact, it's so obnoxious, why don't we leave it there as our Site O' the Weak again?

PS-Okay, so we're really just being lazy. You caught us.

Monday, December 22, 2003

ACEr Forces Family to Drive Through Snowstorm to Stay in Sandusky Hotel

The weather was blizzard-like, with the road barely visible in front of the minivan, and yet ACEr Phil Kiddles insisted that he and his family keep driving until they reached the Hampton Inn in Milan, Ohio, just outside Cedar Point's home of Sandusky. "I just want to see the new Cedar Point brochure [in fact seven months old] and stay within a few miles of the park. Maybe we can see Top Thrill Dragster from the room, too!" exclaimed Kiddles to his exasperated wife and exhausted children.

The family, driving cross-country for the holidays, is used to Kiddles's obsessive behavior, having already endured a bizarre detour supposedly to visit a particularly good Cracker Barrel (in fact an excuse to drive by Kennywood) and his sudden need to urinate when they "happened" to be driving past Six Flags Worlds of Adventure.

Kiddles did not in fact see Cedar Point or any portion thereof while visiting. Only through physical restraint was Kiddles prevented from exiting at the Wisconsin Dells to search for any new coaster construction.

Now staying in Minnesota, sources indicate that Kiddles may "get lost" while driving from Minneapolis to St. Paul and "accidentally" end up driving past Valleyfair!, some twenty miles out of the way in Shakopee.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

ACE Poster Selling Like Crazy

Long renowned for its products, ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) has done it again with the Limited Edition ACE 25th Anniversary Poster. Currently only available to ACE members, and only by mail order, the poster has shocked industry analysts by selling several thousand copies to date.

"We figured a few people would buy it," said ACE Merchandise Director Lee Colletti. "After all, people who like roller coasters will buy almost anything about roller coasters, whether it's an ACE jacket, a badly-produced video with annoying hosts, Six Flags crap, or even, God help us all, a Beast thong from Absolutely Reliable's shop. But these numbers of poster purchasers are totally shocking." [Ed. Note: It's not too late for your Christmas shopping! Disgust your mother with a Beast thong! Just $9.99!]

"The chance to step back in time and relive some of the great moments in ACE's twenty-five year history was the key for me," said Al DePantzeu, 45. "I also thought it was time to add a new wall hanging amongst all the old Ratt and Bon Jovi posters I have in my bedroom at my dad's place."

"What ***hole wouldn't buy a one-of-a-kind poster picturing the very people who have made ACE the number one coaster club in the world?" posited Bea O'Problem, 20. "I'm eager to have a poster with loads of photographs of people richer than me who fly all over the world to Coaster Odysseys and such. Four hundred individual ACE members in full magnificent color! I'm crapping my pants just thinkin' about how cool this poster will be, dude!"

And new ACEr Craven Moorhead, 19, knows he has an item worthy of adding to his wall-mounted collection of sexy posters. "I didn't know how I'd top that poster of Jessica Alba from Honey or all those Pamela Anderson Lee pics, but this ACE one is so awesome, I'm sticking right next to my bed! All that hot footage of ACE presidents, committee members and club personalities is mind-boggling enough that I'm sure to have to whap my pud tonight! Twice!"

ACE is so pleased about the outstanding sales of the poster, it is plannning new items for next season. Says Colletti, "We don't know everything yet, but one item we're pleased to announce already is the ACE Executive Committee Swimsuit Calendar. We hope to have the 2005 model in right around IAAPA so we can show it off to all the important amusement industry folks. A certain member has already been showing off his red satin thong, nipple clips, and Zorro mask. We just know once we oil him up and get him to pose in a seductive manner in this outfit, we're going to sell trillions of those calendars!"

--JCK

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Happy Festivus

We'll be around some, and not around some. So don't despair if it seems like there aren't a lot of updates, because, well, there won't be a lot of updates.

Happy holidays.
InfoGrames to Release New RCT2 Expansion Pack for 2004

Normally saved for events like E3, InfoGrames announced via their official Roller Coaster Tycoon website that their latest expansion pack to the popular game would be released in February 2004.

"Roller Coaster Tycoon: First Date" is an interactive experience that combines the excitement of playing Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 with learning how to foster a healthy, or really any, relationship. Instead of keeping patrons of a theme park happy by adding restrooms, hiring janitors, and designing top-notch thrill rides, players will have to impress just one member of the opposite sex (or, if set in the options screen, the same sex) on a 'theme park date.' The simulated social experience grants points based on outfits chosen from an interactive clothes matrix, hygiene, date locations, and topics of conversation.

Players choose from a variety of people to date, which is how game difficulty is determined, from Prostitute (the easiest level) to Playmate (the most difficult level.) Throughout the game, players can read on screen the dates thoughts such as "This person will never please me" and "What a cheapskate."

Early word from RCT enthusiasts has been overwhelmingly negative. "I was just finally putting the finishing touches on my dueling racing two-track wooden and inverted coaster, and now I have to learn about things like 'courtesy' and 'speaking about anything besides coasters'?!" exclaimed Bob Jeffress, a Cleveland-area enthusiast fond of using air quotes. "And I never paid attention during the 'human relations' part of health class, so I won't have any idea what to do if the girl actually likes me. I'll never finish this scenario now!"

The expansion pack will hit store shelves on the first Tuesday in February, which will hopefully give lovers of Roller Coaster Tycoon some practice with social interaction before ValentineĆ¢€™s Day.

--MMS

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Disney Adds Barf Bags to Small World

Following the news this week that Disney would be installing barf bags on its Mission: Space attraction at EPCOT, industry experts wondered if the trend would continue. It took only a matter of hours before Disney indeed added another ride to its collection of attractions outfitted with Technicolor Yawn Containment Systems. The second ride prepped in this manner is Small World, at the Magic Kingdom.

"Although not all Small World riders have gotten so violently ill that they were forced to waste their groceries in projectile fashion, it does happen more than hourly," said a Disney rep who spoke on condition of anonymity. "In fact, it may surprise people to learn that Small World causes more retching and vomiting than any other ride in any of our Florida parks. Of course, Mission: Space causes physical discomfort and explosive hurling because of its intense G forces, while Small World probably makes guests throw up due to its cloying nature and endless repetition of that hideous banshee-like song."

Cast Members will be trained this week in use of the Technicolor Yawn Containment System, which consists of a high tech "bag" with a "lining" that guests made ill by the saccharine horrors of Small World can "fill" with "gallons of puke" to ease the clean-up after they exit the ride.

--JCK
New Pittsburgh Park to Offer Free Puppies, Liquor, Lodging

The enthusiast community is abuzz with discussion of a proposed new Pittsburgh-area amusement park to be known as Only in America Amusement Complex. To be built for just over $100 million, early reports indicate that the park promises short lines, major rides including very long coasters, occasional "free days," and a very low admission fee.

In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report that the park will also provide each visitor with a free purebred puppy, an open bar (for those of proper age), and free luxury accomodations.

"We're pretty excited about all of this," said a high-level executive of the park, reached at his current job as a sandwich technician at a Subway. "We picked up a case of MGD a couple of weeks ago and did the math while watching Price is Right, and we're pretty sure $15 per patron will be plenty to cover all of that, plus a tidy profit for us."

The management team is exploring other options to make the park more appealing, including offering complimentary private jet transportation for anyone wishing to visit from more than fifty miles away, a roving team of Swedish masseuses (taking the place of the traditional theme park marching band), and a daily winner, chosen at random, of a full-year all-expenses-paid around-the-world vacation.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Enthusiast chooses Worlds Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration over Gas, Electric

Martin Saugenesel of Duluth, Minnesota is the latest victim in a supraliminal advertising campaign for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, available through an online Christmas Decorations store. Sauganesel, who prides himself on both his coaster enthusiasm and his love of collecting ‘coaster-related Christmas ornaments,’ found the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration after a Google search on ‘roller coaster Christmas’ and was hooked immediately.

“The web page spoke to me – after only a couple of paragraphs, I knew that the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration could help me to spread the joy of Christmas, and roller coasters, to the world!” Martin also wouldn’t let the steep price of $100 deter him from purchasing the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, and skipped paying his utility bills in order to purchase the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration. “The love I feel for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration will keep me warm this December,” said the overly optimistic Sauganesel as he contemplated a full-color printout of the World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration.

This is not the first coaster-related ornament to touch the life of this man, a devout member of his local Lutheran church, as well as ACE, Coasterbuzz, and Duluth Organization for Rollercoaster Knowledge, a club he founded with his best friend, Rudy. “I went to my local Hallmark Gold Crown store to purchase the Polar Coaster ornament – I was really lucky, I got to buy the display because there were none in stock. However, the Hallmark store employees did not give the Polar Coaster the respect it deserves – not like the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration website.”

Martin Saugenesel is waiting, in darkness and cold, for his World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration to arrive. “I don’t need heat or electricity – the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is going warm my heart and light my path to the true meaning of Christmas!”

--MMS

[Ed. Note: The World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is also this week's lucky winner of the Site O' the Weak! Congratulations, World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration!]

Monday, December 15, 2003

ARN&R Gift Guide

Merry Christmas, fellow coaster enthusiasts. Yes, this is FMB coming at ya with some Christmas gift suggestions to buy yourself. I will be the first to admit that this is a blatant rip-off of the yearly list at Coasterbuzz. The only difference is that while their staff assumes you have someone special in your life to buy you things (besides your parents), we know better.

The ARN&R crew understands that this Christmas will be spent watching America’s Greatest Home Videos Vol. 1 after you microwave a Stouffer’s turkey & mashed potatoes dinner. Therefore, we thought you could buy yourself something that you will use aside from porn (trust me, Tea Bagger Vance 2: A Sactacular Sequel, doesn’t show anything the first didn’t).

5. Ride World T-Shirt

This year has been spent evaluating enthusiasts and their commitment to safety. So, why not show all those park owners that you push the lap bar up more than necessary by wearing the classy Ride World shirt that says, “No Seatbelt? No Lapbar? No Problem!” Park security will think your coaster gear is a laugh riot as they pummel you in the parking lot.



4. Velcro Shoes

Bending over and picking up stuff is hard, especially since the only trousers you can find to fit are sweat pants. You don’t have to spend thirty seconds in that awkward position on one knee tying your shoes anymore. Just head down to the orthopedic shoe store and pick up a pair of Velcro shoes. All the footwear has are two straps on each foot so you are re-secured in a second. These shoes were popular for five minutes in 1983, but that shouldn’t stop you from wearing them now. Plus, they are a dream when you truck that fat ass up Samurai Summit at Magic Mountain.

3. IAAPA Address & Telephone Directory

Are both Walter and Claude not returning your letters, emails, faxes and/or singing telegrams? Never fear, the IAAPA Address & Telephone Directory is here! Yes, now you can pester every “coaster hero” you have. Werner Stengel, S&S Power, The Gravity Group, and Great Coasters -- yup, they’re all in here. You can guarantee that they can’t wait to talk with you for hours about what mistakes they have made on past designs and how appreciative they will be that you took note of every problem with each of their rides. After all, how can these people with engineering degrees learn about their craft unless people who own Roller Coaster Tycoon tell them about their shortcomings?

2. ACE Denim Jacket

“Hey there sexy! That hot ACE coat accentuates your beautiful round stomach.” That is what strangers will be saying to you once you buy the stylin’ ACE Denim Jacket. Only coaster enthusiasts can truly appreciate the craftsmanship that goes into making sure the outdated ACE logo looks sharp on both sides of the jacket. You will be pimp of the year when you strut through Dutch Wonderland in this overcoat with a Coaster Zombies Tie-dyed t-shirt poking through.



1. Park World Magazine Subscription

Sure, $165 for a year may sound expensive for a monthly magazine that arrives 3-4 months late. However, obviously you are forgetting all of the great features that separate Park World from all of those “industry news” magazines:

Amusement Industry Veteran: A monthly column from Paul Ruben called “Park Hopping” that provides plenty of industry insight. This year’s February, 2003 column showed the author’s hard-hitting style of journalism. It combined a picture of a shirtless Ruben with quotes like “Get me wet; keep me wet.” and “Just stairs to climb, the interminably long wooden stairs that wear me down, standing on them in the hot sun panting for breath as the nearly naked babes squeeze by me with their tubes.”

Amazing Coincidences: I always find it funny that the companies that purchase large color ads often get mentioned in stories about their type of products. In fact, when I am done leafing through the thick 30-page magazine I like to match up the ads and articles. Do it with your kids, it helps teach them about journalistic integrity.

Press Releases Galore: I am a huge fan of easy-to-digest and fluff-filled press releases. That is why I find the first half of this magazine so valuable. Instead of stories by “writers” it is filled with releases and announcements of all kinds written by last year’s summer interns. They touch on things like people’s new products and what ride makers think about next year (they’re always "cautiously optimistic"). This is business-to-business writing at its best.

So, there you have it. Have an Absolutely Reliable Christmas!

--FMB

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Thrillnetwork Launches Pretty New Site, Still Has Same Laughably Pathetic 14-Year-Old Users

The online amusement park enthusiast community expressed great excitement recently, as Thrillnetwork launched its new, revamped product. According to a representative of the website, the creators of Thrillnetwork had high hopes for the new layout and content.

"In our past incarnation, we had some problems with lots of horny, stupid teenagers posting completely inane nonsense on the forums," said the rep. "We felt that our redesigned site, with its easy navigability and professional layout, would encourage these wankers to look elsewhere for their useless forum babblings. Sadly, we were wrong."

Heaving a profound sigh, the representative directed reporters to view the following recent pathetic Thrillnetwork forum topics: "age when you had your first girlfriend/boyfriend," "Keep her or dump her???," and "Pray For me Guys. I Need It."

"Damn," added the Thrillnetwork rep.

--The ARN&R Staff

Friday, December 12, 2003

Offseason Leaves Enthusiasts Unable to Face Life

With the closing of the vast majority of North American amusement parks by the end of October comes the dreaded offseason. Depression experts fear this time of year more than any other.

"While we must always keep an eye on coaster fans at all times for signs of trouble, it is the beginning of the offseason that truly forces us to be vigilant," stated Dr. Victoria Abrahams, an expert in the field of clinical depression. "During the summer, enthusiasts can become depressed over someone else getting the last seventeen hot dogs at the buffet, have brain spasms caused by learning that a ride is not available for an ERT session, or even suffer from seeing lots of pretty girls in tank tops that they will never have any hope of having intercourse with."

Continued Abrahams, "But the offseason is where these enthusiasts truly become despondent. Without their coasters, the only means they have of communicating is by playing Roller Coaster Tycoon and submitting to forums."

Abrahams then called up ThemeParkCritic.com, and demonstrated a particularly alarming thread called "your choice of death oh [sic] a ride."

"We feel fortunate to have caught this early, while we still have time to do an intervention," said Abrahams. "Right now, we have police, grief counselors, and suicide prevention experts rushing to the scene to help assure these poor souls that they do not need to die or suffer due to the fact that they don't have coasters to ride. With assurances that parks will indeed open again this Spring, and also with some helpful doses of electro-convulsive therapy, we aim to convince these tormented depressives that they do not need to dream of being cut in half by a Wave Swinger or launched off the top of Top Thrill Dragster without being buckled down."

Abrahams added, "I guess you would get some pretty good airtime that way, though, wouldn't you?"

--JCK

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Shocking Spoilers for 24 Revealed

ARN&R has received reports from confidential inside sources that the plotline for the Fox drama 24 will soon take an amazing turn even more shocking than anything that has previously taken place during the show's three-year run.

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According to the source, Jack Bauer (portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland) will suddenly "just become totally f***ing fed up with this bulls***" in an episode to air about three weeks from now. Bauer will suddenly decide that "he's tired of dealing with all this crap, and he needs to relieve some stress with some good scream therapy."

In the episode, Bauer will make a dramatic escape from some horrifying situation against impossible odds, save his idiot daughter from either being kidnapped by someone or eaten by a Tabby kitten (the details are still being finalized), pick up Special Agent Timberlake, and fly in a hijacked jet to join perpetually-stressed President David Palmer for a few hours at Universal Studios, where all can unwind from a tough day of waging war against terrorists. (At a press conference, Palmer will reportedly confuse the press with the cryptic statement "hats for bats!" long enough to slip out the back exit of his hotel in order to get to Universal in time to meet Bauer.) Exit passes and ERT on certain rides will make the evening particularly enjoyable.

"The writers at 24 were brainstorming the other day, and they just sorta figured anyone who had three different days this sh**ty would just throw his hands up and tell everyone to f*** off eventually," said the source. "So then they decided he might just escape and have a nice vacation at a location where the producers could film with ease, and just leave that terrorist-fighting hero garbage to someone else for a few hours for a change."

Our source also reported that dramatic tension would not be lessened with the impromptu theme park vacation, because "there are plenty of ways Bauer's dumbass daughter could get in trouble and have to be saved, even at Universal. She might get kidnapped by petting zoo llamas, or get lost in the bathroom, or even get chased around by horny teenage ACE members who see her in a tight white tank top on a cold day, right after she gets out of the front row of the Jurrasic Park water ride. The possibilities are endless."

--JCK

Monday, December 08, 2003

Enthusiast Has Superb Orgasm

Howard Ferstler, a 50-year-old member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, managed this evening to have an orgasm for the first time in several days. According to Ferstler, this orgasm was amazingly powerful and voluminous. It was also, naturally, the product of self-stimulation.

"I had a horrible weekend," said Ferstler. "I rent a room from this family right down the road from Canobie Lake Park, which enabled me to bring myself explosively to fruition several times every day. I could bash my bald ferret into submission pretty much all morning and afternoon, since the big living room window has a nice view of the dogleg on the Yankee Cannonball just a bit down the street. Also, the people I rent from actually have jobs, so, for many hours each day, that leaves me with a variety of furnitures to sit on, and a wide array of paper products I can choose from when cleaning up the love goo."

Ferstler told ARN&R that the huge New England blizzard created problems for him for several days. "It was horrible," he said. "All that snow, and the high winds. It was a complete mess. I mean, it wasn't a problem for me as far as being in the snow or anything. I don't have a job, I wouldn't be making any coaster trips anyway due to the fact that no parks are open this time of year, and, most importantly, I can order in as much pizza, pork rinds, and biscuit mix as I want online and have it delivered to me. No, my nightmare this weekend was not being able to see Yankee Cannonball at all, which made it really difficult to slap Yul Brynner the high-five!"

The ACEr went on to detail how he had shopped for the perfect house to rent a room from all summer, selecting this one entirely for its "majestic and stimulating view" of one of Ferstler's favorite rides. "From September until last week, I could always see this wonderful bulging mass of wood, and I could reach a climax in mere seconds by doing battle with the purple-headed yogurt slinger, while simultaneously gazing upon the gorgeous Yankee Cannonball form thrusting up into the air, glistening with fresh grease. But then all that snow arrived, and the wind swirled the stuff around, and I couldn't see my beautiful coaster at all for the entire weekend. How on Earth could anyone be expected to adequately bitch-slap their little Sith Lord without a good woodie to stare at?"

Ferstler concluded by issuing forth a stern reprimand to the state of New Hampshire. "I don't approve of all this snow they have up here," he said. "I thought it was a pain to go ten rounds with the one-eyed trouser clown back in Georgia. I mean, the place I rented near Lake Winnepesaukah was only close enough that I had to walk six blocks up to a back fence, where I could stare at their woodie while I choked myself into emission, and I got hauled off to jail a few times for some reason, but at least it pretty much never snowed down there."

"That orgasm I had today while looking at Yankee Cannonball and squeezing my toothpaste from the middle of the tube was pretty damn good, though," Ferstler said, gazing with affection toward Canobie Lake's gates.

--JCK
Check Out These Awesome Roller Coasters

Our new Site O' the Weak is the Eric Kevitz Homepage. Eric's front page has some information about surfing and about Costa Rica, and a nice animated file of Garfield that seems to have no purpose whatsoever. Eric also appears to be strangely fixated on his amazing Ford Taurus.

But just having a lame site about all the exciting specs for your car won't get you nominated for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak. Oh, no. For that honor, a website must suck and also reference the amusement industry in some fashion. Fortunately, Eric has a fantastic Montanas Rusas web page to fulfill our exacting requirements. On this excellent page, visitors can note that the webmaster thinks both Alpengeist and Apollo's Chariot are "awesome roller coasters," while providing a link to stories about these rides at Thrillride.

Yep. That's it.

--JCK

Sunday, December 07, 2003

ARN&R Staff Still Alive

We've been receiving an onslaught of mail here at the Absolutely Reliable Mail Room, inquiring whether everything is okay, seeing as we didn't post any material from Wedensday morning until late this afternoon. Well, okay, one person sent an email asking if we were alive. Just one. We can tell how much you care. It's touching, really.

But yes, we are fine. One of the editors is still busying himself with work down in the sumptious glory of Mississippi, while the other one was just in Vermont for the last several days, with his car buried under snow drifts as tall as him, blockaded by a veritable wall of nature from getting to any public computers and amusing the snowbound masses with witty articles about gravy and masturbation. Or something.

But we can only be restrained for so long. The Editor in Chief left a nice new article for you today, and the Assistant Editor is back in force as of late this evening. And he'll be trying to find a way to write an amusement park story that also includes a scathing missive about how much Vermont sucks moist donkey balls when it comes to keeping its stupid highways sanded and plowed properly.

--JCK
Playland Touts Dragon Coaster's Leap in Poll

Mitch Hawker's industry standard wooden coaster poll was finalized recently, and the folks at Rye's Playland in Rye, New York were thrilled with the tremendous performance of their wooden Dragon Coaster.

"Dramatic Improvement in Dragon Coaster's Ranking," bragged the press release sent to media outlets worldwide. "Rye's Playland is proud to announce that our Dragon Coaster moved all the way up to 132nd, up from 135th last year. We spent an extra ten bucks on oil this year as well as increasing the cleaning of vomit from once weekly to twice weekly, and clearly our visitors have noticed the difference!"

The park is reportedly ordering dozens of "We're number 132!" banners to be hung throughout the park, as well as considering a major media buy in the northeastern television markets to promote the coaster's ranking. Additionally, park employees will henceforth be required to yell "I love my dragon woodie!" every time they come within fifty feet of the coaster.

In related news, Grizzly at Paramount's Great America in California still sucks beyond belief.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Stengel Hall of Fame Cap Announcement Upcoming

The amusement industry will be looking on with great anticipation this Friday, as the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) will announce which team cap Werner Stengel's plaque will bear when he is inducted into the IAAPA Hall of Fame later this season.

Fans of amusement rides everywhere were ecstatic with the announcement, at this year's IAAPA in November, that Stengel had received the requisite number of votes from the Amusement Writers Association of America (AWAA), meaning the veteran designer would finally receive the recognition many feel he deserves by having his plaque hung in the Mighty Hall of Designers.

"The Wernster should have been in the Hall long ago," said ESPN's Trey Wingo, a Stengel supporter. "I can't believe it took six years of eligibility for this giant figure in the world of amusement rides to be voted in by the writers. But at least he did get in, and he should bask in the glow of a fulfilling career."

Somewhat tainting the thrill of seeing Stengel inducted was the flap created earlier this week, when the designer told reporters he "would not show up for the induction ceremony unless I go in as an Intamin player." This apparently stems both from Stengel's love of the organization where he made much of his good name and most superior designs, as well as the hatred he has for his former organization, the Boston Red Sox.

"Stengel felt that he had given many years of outstanding professional service to the Sox, designing through pain and loyally sticking it out through tough years," notes Wingo. "But then former General Manager Dan Duquette refused to make Stengel an offer to stay on, calling him 'washed up,' 'in the twilight of his career,' and 'venturing into Toomer territory.' Stengel felt the Sox were disrespecting him and he's never forgiven them for it. I feel sorry for the flap that's been created by Wernie's comments, but I can't say I blame him."

The IAAPA Hall of Fame has the final say in what cap inductees are pictured wearing on their caps. The announcement of the final design of Stengel’s Hall of Fame plaque comes this Friday at 3:00 PM, while the Hall of Fame inductions will actually take place on December 18th.

--JCK
Welcome!

Hope all you "wedgie photos" fans found what you were looking for.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

X Declared Art

Six Flags Magic Mountain has proudly announced that its revolutionary roller coaster, X, has been designated a work of art by the National Foundation for the Humanities.

Vladimir Glasnow, spokesman for the NFH, said the decision was an easy one for the renowned organization to make. "We have several criteria we apply to objects that we are considering," he said. "First, it must be revolutionary. This gravity device certainly is that. Second, it must have tremendous visual impact. Naturally, anyone who has seen the remarkable color scheme of this device and its innovative use of curvilinear patterns will agree that there is nothing in the world quite like it. Thirdly, a work of art must bring the viewer closer to a sense of spirituality. Certainly, everyone who had ridden this device has claimed to have experienced nirvana."

Kieran Burke, President of Six Flags Corporation, was clearly pleased with the designation. "Six Flags prides itself on innovation. We are honored that such a distinguished organization has recognized our leadership in providing a quality experience for our guests."

This is the first time an amusement device has been declared a work of art. Alan Schilke, the designer of the ride that was built by S & S Power, Inc., of Logan, Utah, remarked, "We in the industry have known all along that there is an inherent beauty in any well-designed ride. Since X is probably the only thing I will ever be known for in my life, I'm glad that my genius has been acknowledged."

Melanie Craft, a longtime member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the largest roller coaster group in the world, was extremely pleased. "ACE worked long and hard to bring this coaster to the attention of the NFH. Maintenance costs have been so high that we were afraid the ride would be torn down. Since it doesn't operate too often, many ACErs would never get a chance to ride it. By having it designated a work of art, Six Flags can know that there's enormous value in having hundreds of tons of gorgeous pink and yellow iron just sitting there quietly for people to admire."

The NFH has recommended that a full-scale replica of the ride be housed in the Smithsonian Institute. Six Flags Magic Mountain generously offered to give the Smithsonian its actual ride, if the museum would pay for the dismantling and transport.

"This is an extremely generous offer," said the Institute's marketing director Beryl Handy. "However, due to space restrictions we probably could only take one of the trains that they never use."

When asked whether any other amusement rides might be considered for recognition by the NFH, Glasnow responded, "X is an exception, certainly unique in the world. But we wouldn't rule it out." Craft had her own nomination: "Chance Toboggan's are dope! The sinuous trackage and the retro-50s look make them a shoe-in!"

--JRD

Monday, December 01, 2003

Why Do You Hate My Eyes?

Yes, it's Site O' the Weak time again, kiddies. And this week we celebrate Anthony's Wildwood Boardwalk Super Site. Before viewing this website, be sure you know exactly where everything is in your house or apartment, because your eyes will completely shut down and refuse to process any information for a good three hours upon witnessing this site, just to spite you for your insolence.

We're pretty sure that a front page written in lime green, with blinky yellow things separating sections of text, is a really bad idea. We're also fairly certain that most people would frown upon the monstrous combination of green and blue text over black background and graphics to the left side of the page. And also the abundance of flashing, glowing, and rotating items. And, heck, maybe even the "Midway Pier" section written in blood red over a vibrant magenta background. But maybe not...it is a "SUPER" site, after all.

Alert readers with no fear of retinal scarring will note the following instructions: "Please do not copy, or use the photos or graphics from this site!" No worries, mate. No worries.

--JCK