Friday, August 08, 2003

Gravity Group Announces Opening of Check Cashing Store

After keeping the amusement industry waiting impatiently to hear its next big announcement, wooden coaster design firm The Gravity Group finally broke the silence and set October 1, 2003, as the hoped-for grand opening of its check-cashing franchise "Cash Now."

The store, to be located somewhere in suburban Cincinnati, will feature an array of financial and non-financial services centered on the franchise chain's famous "payday loan."

"We're thrilled to be able to provide check cashing services to whatever section of Cincinnati we end up in," said Michael Graham, one of the company's coaster designers and second-shift cashier. "We'll provide outstanding check cashing and other services, just like we provide great coaster maintenance and services to all of our clients...er, our one client, anyway."

When asked about the seeming disconnect between check cashing and coaster design, Graham professed confusion and said that "they're so closely connected it's not even worth talking about."

In related news, inside sources at the company insist that you did not see them applying for jobs at Pizza Hut.
Garfield News Baffles, Outrages

A clarification seems to be in order for our friends over at Kennywood Boulevard and Kennywood Connection. Indeed, we cannot take credit here for springing the news that the Old Mill will be changing to Garfield and Odie 3D; instead, Screamscape may be thanked for the scoop, and in fact we linked to them in our original article. However, we did break the news about the actual details of the new ride, and we did uncover the planned refurbishments of the other attractions, such as the looping Jack Rabbit and anal probes on Goldrusher.

And remember, each and every thing written on this website is completely factual. We employ the finest army of inside sources and clever reporters, and we would never, ever think of making anything up. That's why we're called Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors!
Six Flags Stock Price Leaps on News of Talks with Ninth-Graders

Six Flags's ailing stock price had a boost yesterday on news that the company was discussing "strategic opportunities" with a ninth-grade course focused on allowance management. Most analysts believe that these talks encompassed far more than a simple partnership, instead contemplating a takeover of the park chain by the Oklahoma City area youths.

"This is terrific news for stockholders," said analyst John Terry. "The kids will definitely know how to run these parks far better than Gary Story and his ilk."

Austin Zalgo, one of the students, acted as the class's spokesman. "We're planning on making all of the coasters faster! And add loops to all of them! And we'll sell alcohol to everyone, whether or not they have an I.D.! And we'll get rid of all that crap for little kids and sell no drinks besides Mountain Dew." Zalgo added that the class had raised approximately $450 by selling candy bars; analyst Terry indicated that he felt that amount represented "a more than fair price" for the park chain.

Most industry analysts, while mildly skeptical of the class's plans, indicated a strong belief that those plans would be far superior to the bizarre strategy followed by current Six Flags management. They also expressed hopes for rumors of strategic talks with the Mob, the producers of Home Improvement, or former Enron executives.