Friday, December 30, 2005

Frontier City Accused of Throwing Games for Chance at Drafting Bush

In an editorial that has rocked the football world, sports columnist Roger Blue yesterday accused Oklahoma City's Frontier City amusement park of intentionally failing in an effort to obtain the first draft pick in next year's draft, presumably to obtain running back Reggie Bush.

"This strategy likely started way back when the park first decided not to install [mine train] Excalibur and have it just sit there rusting," wrote Blue. "And it became obvious when that ride was shipped to Six Flags Over Texas. Management may have well formally announced: 'We will lose all of our games this year and we want Reggie Bush.' Nightmare Train's status [as standing but not operating] for five years is obviously part of that strategy as well," Blue added.

The park denied that it was failing intentionally. "Sure, having 'Free Urine Spray Day' in the park turned out to be a bad idea in retrospect, but we thought it was a heck of an idea for cooling down in the Oklahoma summer," said Nellie Kokesh, park spokeswoman. "But it certainly wasn't an effort to have a disastrous season."

NFL analysts predict that Bush would instantly become the park's starting running back and could make the park a contender. "He's got the ability to avoid tacklers right out of the box; he's an instant impact player," said Michael Irvin (who, according to ARN&R's drug test, was not at that moment high on crack). "I've always thought Wildcat was an underrated quarterback who just needed a good back to establish the running game and give the play-action credibility. With Wild Kitty as a down-the-field threat at receiver and Diamond Back as fullback, this team immediately can contend for the NFC North championship."

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Alexa Screenshot Hilarity

We here at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumours are not only Brit-friendly, but also report only the cold, hard facts.

We present to you, unedited, a screenshot of the Coasterbuzz.com info at Alexa.com. You can find it here if you don't believe us.



Note the screenshot of the Coasterbuzz home page on the left. No, that's not edited.

Wow, this article pretty much wrote itself.

--WCT

Monday, December 26, 2005

Toddler Invokes Six-Day Rule

Feathers were ruffled today as a three-year-old Damon Carter invoked the well-known but controversial "Six-Day Rule" during a post-Christmas family visit to Disney World's Magic Kingdom in Orlando.

The incident occurred at approximately 4:00 PM, as the boy, his older sister Jean, and his parents passed behind the Pinocchio Village Haus restaurant on their way to the ever-insufferable Small World attraction. While his parents were distracted by the sight of a vicious nearby seagull pecking the eyes out of a hapless customer, Damon spotted a scrap of food in a corner behind a dumpster, grabbed it, and ate it. Witnesses say the child cried out "Six Days!" before eating the dicarded food scrap. The same witnesses were unable to ascertain whether the scrap was formerly a hot dog, hamburger, turkey-bacon wrap, or a solidified seagull turd.

Other youngsters in the vicinity derided Carter's actions. "It's one thing to invoke the five-second rule," said surprisingly eloquent Thad Goody, 4, who witnessed Carter's actions. "Myself, I have specifically ordered my butler Chauncy to pick up and return my dropped filet, caviar, and foie gras so I can eat it. However, I only do so within the accepted five-second period, and call out that I am doing so; otherwise, the dropped food items would become gross and spoiled, perhaps in as soon as six seconds. So six days is an obscenely long period."

Carter rebuffed Goody's comments, saying that the seagull turd was "nummers." Later in the day, he engaged in even more daring behaviour when he announced "Fifteen Days!" shortly before eating what might or might not have been a moldy french fry he found on the sidewalk near the Jungle Cruise.

--JCK

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Official 2005 ARN&R Last-Minute Shopping Guide

You lazy bastards. You haven't finished your holiday shopping yet, have you? Fortunately for you, we have prepared a quick and easy list of superb amusement park-related gifts that every coaster enthusiast will be sure to love. And if you're still stumped after reading this year's gift guide, naturally you can always visit one of our past ones or get your chums a "Your Favorite Coaster Sucks" t-shirt from our online store. Without further ado, we present the Official 2005 ARN&R Last-Minute Shopping Guide:

1. Painfully Unfunny Video

Every enthusiast will love "Donna Does Canobie," a CoasterCon Video Contest-winning film that consists of sped-up footage of a woman walking around an amusement park, walking into public restrooms, and possibly flashing a roller coaster. New Englanders know there's nothing more hilarious on the entire planet than seeing people walk into public restrooms. For co-workers or casual acquaintances, just download the punishingly non-amusing free clip and forward it to them; for favorite relatives or that new special f*ckpuppet in your life, show you really care with a gift of the entire DVD, where, for a mere ten dollars, you can bear witness to even more knee-slapping footage of a woman entering bathrooms and walking around fast. Film buffs always recommend the widescreen format since this format recreates the director’s original cinematic vision and level of artistry far better than pan-and-scan.

2. Coaster Zombie Postage Stamps

With these lovely coaster stamps, you can say it loud and proud that you're a Coaster Zombie. At the low price of 17 dollars a pack, you can send piles of these to your closest friends and keep a few for yourself, so you can add that distinctive flourish to any other coaster-related packages you're shipping out to the unsuspecting. Don't be the loser who doesn't have Coaster Zombie stamps this season; be the loser who does have them.

3. Tasteful Coaster Merchandise

Roller Coaster World has a massive array of tasteful and gorgeous coaster-themed merchandise that will be a perfect fit for any room of the house. Sadly, the splendid snow globes are currently sold out, but perhaps if enough people beg, Roller Coaster World will produce a new line and satisfy the coaster snow globe craving that every homeowner has. Fortunately, there are still not-at-all-tacky Christmas ornaments and other upscale home furnishings still available.

4. ACE Clothing

There's nothing that'll get you rolling in the tang like official American Coaster Enthusiasts apparel. Watch the girls and guys scream and fling themselves at you, crying and whimpering for hot action when they see that ACE logo on your zip nylon packaway jacket and brushed twill visor. Effectively, any of these products costs sixty dollars plus whatever its actual purchase amount is, since you'll have to join the club in order to be allowed to buy it. But when you see that your hard-earned cash goes to such things as the ultra-professional ACE General Store webpage, designed by the finest and most expensive howler monkeys, you'll be buying everything ACE offers just so they keep up the great work. As for the sexy ACE polar fleece pullover, don't forget that there is a "[l]imited stock avialable [sic] so get you [sic] size while you can!"

5. Your Very Own Extremely Gullible Coaster Forum

It's one of the more unusual gifts you could give, but its very uniqueness will show the recipient how much you care. Present that special someone with his or her very own extremely gullible coaster forum. There's nothing that's more satisfying than having an eager group of twelve-year-olds believe absolutely everything you tell them. For a great stocking stuffer, just register some domain name like Coasterbitches.org, then set up a crappy entry-level Bravenet forum and write some topics like "Nu Underwater Launched Wud Coaster 4 Sesumee Wrld!!!!!" Then hand it over to the gift recipient and let them have some fun. Of course, if you're a big spender and want to give that special someone a diamond-level present, you could buy an actual established website with an already-functioning message board. The disadvantage is that this will cost plenty of money; the advantage is that you can read these currently-functioning message boards and get a good idea of which ones are already laden with a built-in group of very gullible people. Thrillnetwork might be a good one to start with.

6. Enormous Tub of Vaseline

Self-explanatory.

--JCK

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

New Podcast

Subscribe using this URL or download this episode here.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Willis McGahee Blamed For Park Closings

"I really hate Willis McGahee." So was the pronouncement last night from carpenter, coaster enthusiast, and avid fantasy football player Josh Warner, 41. "That little prick was a total waste of my first round pick in two fantasy leagues, where he proceeded to tank my seasons, make me finish in last place, and pretty much anally violate me on a weekly basis without even giving me a reach around."

"At first, I was only blaming McGahee for screwing up my fantasy seasons," said Warner. "But after I thought about it for a little while, I was fairly certain that he also caused Six Flags Astroworld and Whalom Park to close. I don't have any real proof of this, but he's such a p*ssy that I know he influenced them to shut down somehow, maybe because the owners had him on their teams and he sucked out their will to keep bothering with running a business." Warner further speculated that high gasoline prices, a weak dollar, and cockroaches might also be McGahee's fault, though he refused to go into specifics.

When asked for comment, McGahee grabbed a football from Kelly Holcomb, danced around nervously in the backfield, saw a defender thirty feet away, shit himself, slipped vaudeville-style on his own feces, and fell on the ground for a six-yard loss, whimpering like a little girl. Afterward, he proclaimed himself the greatest running back in the league, case closed.

"I loved Astroworld," concluded Warner. "I'll never forgive McGahee."

--JCK

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Corporations Imitate Naming Strategy of Wholesale Shopping Club

The wholesale shopping club BJ's, with numerous stores located in sixteen states, has experienced substantial economic growth over the past several years. Multiple factors play into the success of BJ's: continual but cautious expansion keeps the company financially sound, while profits are sucked in from swarms of customers due to the wide variety of departments, the discount pieces, and the easy availability of freezer-burned, industrial-grade meat in bulk. However, the most important factor in the widespread success of BJ's has nothing to do with its finances or its filling a desperate consumer need for 400-gallon tubs of mayonnaise and Vaseline, but with its actual name.

"Market research showed that customers positively flock to a brand name that is sexually suggestive," says Tex Strong, BJ's Vice President of Consumer Relations. "Particularly when it's a blatant euphemism for oral sex. Everyone loves BJ's, right?"

BJ's has enjoyed years of acclaim due to its explicit name, but its uniqueness in the business world is coming to an end, as other companies seek to capitalize on the ability to sell their product through the use of implied head-giving. One famous example is the vehicle company formerly known as Environmentally Unsound Asshole-Mobiles Targeted Solely to Obnoxious Jerks With Tiny Limp Penises, which has seen a massive upswing in profits since its recent decision to rename itself "Hummer."

Among the other corporations that have announced new blowjob-friendly monikers over the past week have been The Knob Polishers (formerly Merry Maids), McMuff Dive (formerly McDonald's), and Skin Flutes & Rusty Trombones (formerly Sam Ash). But the most surprising oral-themed name change is the one undergone by what was known until today as Disney World.

Despite having a set of theme parks with what many experts describe as one of the most recognizable brand names in the history of the planet, Disney executives announced that the Florida entertainment empire will reopen tomorrow as Bone Yodel Land. The executives stated that the "chance to bring in a whole new crowd of passionate pleasure-seekers" was too good to pass up. Heading off any potential complaints from the Religious Right, the executives added that "nothing could possibly be more family friendly than steaming the carpets or churning some fresh man-butter."

In related news, Hooter's Restaurants and Dick's Sporting Goods issued a joint statement today indicating that both companies will also be considering name updates in the very near future, since neither currently has an appellation nearly suggestive enough to compete in the current economic climate. "Naming our businesses after dirty slang words for body parts was cutting edge in the 90's," the statement read in part, "but fellatio is clearly the wave of the future that we must embrace."

--JCK

Monday, December 12, 2005

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

We recently received the following email, which we swear is reprinted precisely as we got it:

Subject: SECRET FILE

I AM YOUR SERVER...............................................PLEASE UPDATE APPROPRIATELY

SERVER IS HERE!

"Currently eating chicken from Knott's Not Nice Windjammer Factory poweredby Togo(the company,not the crappy country). Either way,they are both crappy.


Politically incorrect things over......................................


POLITICS>BUSH SUCKS!

AAAARRRNNNNNNRR!

RANDOM NAMES
Tom Wielfenstein, Okaki Wenkayahu, Abigail Omerson, Mzai Onzimonga, Jade Killerson, Hendrik Von Wonderboot.




DIE!




cUrReEnTlY pLaYiNg tHiS wAy








FUN COASTER

OPENING IN KNOEBELS!

250 Feet, 6 inversions, 6,777 feet,made by the American Coaster Company(grants provided by Carole Sanderson)




Opening in 20093,the meaning of life




SERVER IS DYING,DYING,DYING. ARNR GONE!

Yahoo! Music Unlimited - Access over 1 million songs. Try it free.


We had no earthly idea how to respond to this email, since we assumed it was written in some sort of foreign language that none of the editorial staff speaks. We therefore forwarded the message to Miguel Fredrickson, our Executive Vice President of Foreign Language Foreign Support Technician Customer Servicing Help Pleasuring Lackey Enabling Services at the majestic AbsolutelyReliable Towers. After some delay, we received the following response:

Dear Sirs and Madams:

Greetings and salutations. The Foreign Language Foreign Support Technician Customer Servicing Help Pleasuring Lackey Enabling Services staff apologizes for the delay. Despite working around the clock for a week,and bringing in assistance from Dieter at the Quick Action Branch of the Semi-Literate Customer Inquiry Center, we still cannot tell in what language it is written. We have narrowed the likely choices down to Norwegian, Dutch, Afrikaans, and Quenya, but have gotten no further. Some of the staff believe it might also be some sort of beat poetry created in Sanskrit by a person who has never studied Sanskrit.

Dieter informs me that he is fairly certain that it's just the delusional rantings of some random cretin, and that it isn't written in any foreign language at all. I discount this theory, because I find it hard to believe any human is stupid enough to create this particular email if we are actually to interpret it as being written English. I feel a far more likely scenario involves the work being a short literary work of some sort in Punjabi or Finnish, and the words just happen to coincidentally line up into a series of simian scratchings and imbecilic nonsense if read, incorrectly, as English.

We shall continue to work our hardest on solving the mystery of this bizarre email.

Sincerely,
Your Humble Employee,
Miguel Fredrickson
Executive Vice President of Action Assistance Enabling Performance Supervisory Customer Pleasuring Happy Fun Directive Team Support Squad Services
A Proud Part of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service &
Delight Center


--JCK

Saturday, December 10, 2005

BREAKING NEWS: ThrillNetwork Still Funny

The most current item of evidence is here.

Some other ARN&R stories about Thrillnetwork:

- From December 2003: Thrillnetwork Launches Pretty New Site, Still Has Same Laughably Pathetic 14-Year-Old Users

- From August 2003: ThrillNetwork Club Announces Event, ERT (featuring one of our favorite lines, "A small-print disclaimer notes that nine-year-old Bobby Fleming of North St. Paul will also be holding a birthday party at the facility and asks members to refrain from eating his cake or friends."

- From July 2003: Government: CoasterBuzz/ThrillNetwork Dispute Officially Least Interesting Fight in History

- From January 2003: Thrillnetwork.com Still Online, Shocking Enthusiasts at or Above a Fourth-Grade Reading Level

Huh. Looks like 2003 was the Year of Thrillnetwork here at ARN&R. We never recognized that at the time, so, here's to you, Thrillnetwork! You're our Site O' The Year for 2003!
ARN&R Broadcaster Wins Award

ARN&R is proud to announce that the host of its new Podcast, Co-Editor-in-Chief JCK, has received a 2005 National Association of Broadcasters Marconi Radio Award. The prestigious honor is believed to be the first for an amusement park satire publication, the first for a Podcast of any sort, and the first for a broadcasting group that has only released one actual broadcast in its history.

Shocked gasps were heard from the awards banquet audience as the announcement was made that JCK was being honored with a Special Achievement Marconi for having the Best Face for Radio Broadcast.

"I'm extremely pleased and humbled to be graced with such a magnificent prize," said JCK, upon taking the podium. "I've worked my whole career to be able to tell people, yeah, I won the Marconi for Best...what a second...does this statue actually say 'Best Face for Radio?' What the hell?"

--JCK

Friday, December 09, 2005

Zero to One Hundred Percent Annoyance in Two Seconds

We like amusement park websites that don't provide any useful information. We like them even better when they're impossible to navigate and take eons to load. And we positively love them when they try so hard to be cool and "with it" that they vanish into a vortex of their own suckyness. That's why we simply adore the preview site for Superman Escape, a new ride premiering in (fill in the exact time you see on their countdown timer here) days at Warner Brothers Movie World in Australia.

Bear witness to the above-mentioned travesties throughout the site, but pay careful attention to:

-The Shout-Out feature. Yes, an actual website for an actual theme park offers for people to register and give mad props to their homies. As if it's not awful enough that rich white suburbanites are feebly co-opting street lingo every chance they get, now they get to try it out online, where they can't see people pointing and laughing at their lame, pasty asses. Bad idea. And the scrolling comments in the Shout Out bar, real or fake, are annoying enough to make you want to ram a fork in your own eyeball.

-A section of the site called, and we are not making the slightest bit of this up, "Stuff 4 U." AOL-speak sucks in its original form, it sucks in forums, it sucks on websites, and it especially sucks when people start using it in everyday life. It's started making its way into formal papers in schools, and now we have a theme park website thinking it's cute and that they can use it to attract young customers. Well, we can see what sort of audience Warner Brothers Movie World is courting: lobotomized howler monkeys. Don't be one. Don't visit until this park's management learns how to speak and write properly in its native language. The time has come to stand against the insidious destruction of the English language.

-The Ride Cam section. Doesn't "Ride Cam" seem to imply a webcam or photo album or something? Well, there appear to be two pictures and a video that features a really awful interview with someone in park management. The evidence appears to be in stark contrast to the park's claims that the section is "packed with photos of the ride." Incidentally, "there's even interviews with the rocket scientists who put this puppy together" is an offensive sentence for two reasons. One, "there's" means "there is," and that means they are using a singular to describe "interviews," which is plural. In other words, they have again butchered the English language. Secondly, do we even have to describe why a professionally-designed website using the phrase "put this puppy together" is such a crime against nature? Die!

-The annoying interview with a winner from some contest. Maybe it's a real interview with a real idiot. Maybe it's made up by an idiot. All we know for sure is that at least one idiot was involved, probably several.

The Superman Escape preview is believed by many religious experts to be the fourth sign of the Apocalypse. While this is being ascertained for sure, we'll just go ahead and make it our Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Coaster Enthusiast First in Line for Final Destination 3

Following the grand tradition begun by Star Wars fans, a lone coaster enthusiast has begun waiting outside a cinema for a movie that will not be released for months. Gregory Diffendorfer, 23, has staked his place in line for Final Destination 3, which is expected to appear at movie theatres in mid-February.

"I'm first! That's right!" he told reporters from his lawn chair directly in front of the movie theatre entrance.

Final Destination 3, a sequel to the essentially unwatchable horror films Final Destination and Final Destination 2, tells the story of teenagers who escape their fate aboard a crashing roller coaster and are hunted down by death himself in retribution. According to Diffendorfer, the crossover appeal of the movie between horror movie fans and coaster enthusiasts mean that this will be "the event movie of the next decade" and that the "lines will stretch for miles," leading to his need to assure himself of a ticket by waiting outside for over two months. Experts claim that Diffendorfer's personal odor will be "unimaginable" after he curdles in his own sweat and urine for that long.

When one passerby pointed out to Diffendorfer that the Grauman's Chinese Theatre, the cinema where he is waiting in line, is not scheduled to exhibit Final Destination 3, the intrepid enthusiast stated that he was certain that overwhelming online protests that the landmark film was not being exhibited in its proper place would lead to Grauman's being shamed into adding it to their lineup.

--JCK

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Snyder Consults Thesaurus

After gaining three seats on the Six Flags board of directors and carefully reviewing Six Flags's books and plans, Dan Snyder quickly purchased a copy of Roget's Thesaurus and put a tape flag on the page for "weather."

Exclusive sources indicate that Snyder has prepared a list of synonyms in preparation for upcoming conference calls. Investors can, in the future, expect to hear that revenue targets were missed due to atmospheric conditions; adverse barometric measurements; unexpectedly high wind and precipitation outcomes; negative temperature, air pressure, wind, humidity, cloudiness, and precipitation conditions; and nonpositive meterological situations.

"We are creating a new approach here at Six Flags," said Red Zone spokesman Paul Atkinson. "No longer will we simply blame bad results on bad weather. That's not good enough in the Snyder era; we're stepping up to the plate and being honest about the financial impact of liquid deposits that fall from the atmosphere to the surface and have a diameter greater than 0.5 millimeters."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Disney Announces Chronicles of Narnia Ride

The Walt Disney Company announced this evening that it will open a major new attraction at its Florida Disney World resort next season. Debuting at the Animal Kingdom, one of four major theme parks within the boundaries of Disney World, in the spring of 2006, will be The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the With and the Wardrobe: Aslan's Pride: The Experience. Built to capitalize on the excitement generated by this holiday season's release of the movie version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, TCN:LW2:APTR is being billed as Disney's most innovative amusement concepts yet.

"It's an e-ticket attraction using technology the world has never seen," said an Animal Kingdom representative.

Most unusual about the attraction is the relatively short time it will take to implement it within Animal Kingdom. A typical major Disney show or ride might take years to plan, build, and test, but according to the representative, the company's Imagineers came up with the idea "just yesterday" and that it was anticipated that it will open on schedule in a few short months.

According to one insider, Animal Kingdom will move one of its lions from the Kilimanjaro Safari ride into a private enclosure surrounded by public viewing areas. A sign saying "Aslan" will be placed in front of the enclosure, and a park employee hidden nearby will broadcast his voice through a small microphone hung around the lion's neck, saying things like "Though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know" and "Rise up, Sir Peter Fenris-Bane. And whatever happens, never forget to wipe your sword."

TCN:LW2:APTR is expected to cost Disney in excess of four hundred dollars, but executives are confident that the company will recoup its investment rapidly when C.S. Lewis fans descend upon Animal Kingdom in droves this coming season.

--JCK

Monday, December 05, 2005

Google AdSense Strikes Again

We didn't change a thing on this:



Google does know how to identify a target market, doesn't it?

Friday, December 02, 2005

AdBuzz Now Broadcasting in HD

Webmaster and coaster enthusiast Jeffy Pizzle's world famous advertising website, AdBuzz.com, will now be broadcasting across the Internet in blazing high-definition glory, according to a press release issued today by AdBuzz's parent company SODA Global Media.

"We at AdBuzz are extremely excited to bring this new entertainment technology to the roller coaster lover community," Pizzle was quoted in the press release. "Everyone who has ever wanted to 'spank the monkey' in full 16:9 aspect ratio now has a place to call home. The same goes for everyone who has ever wanted to 'win a free iPod Shuffle' in 5.1 Dolby Digital surround sound."

Visitors to AdBuzz also have the opportunity to join the "almost ad-free" version of the website. The site's "Frequently Asked Questions" section states that members of AdBuzz Club will be given "the privilege of viewing AdBuzz.com in 'super Hi-Def.'" ARN&R researchers spent three hours researching what "Super Hi-Def" is and came to the conclusion that it must have something to do with the AdBuzz business model, which is also described by Pizzle in the press release:

"Our business model at AdBuzz.com is built on treating our potential customers as absolute shit. We vow never to let any content be displayed 'above the fold,' to badger club members to join the damn club after they already joined it, to censor ourselves and others whenever something is said that would make our admins, moderators, or amusement parks we kiss the asses of look bad, and to annoy the piss out of potential customers with ads until they pony up the cash. If they don't like it, they can just stop visiting the website."

When asked how, exactly, a business can survive by telling its customers to sod off all the time, Pizzle replied, "You have no life and you're a douche bag."

Already rumors are emerging about the next generation of AdBuzz technology. One popular rumor includes small projectiles that shoot out of CD/DVD drives and pierce the eyeballs of site visitors while playing an audio ad proclaiming "Bow to me, my sheep! Free Kool Aid with purchase!"

--WCT
Best. Post. Ever.

Thank you, Coasterfreak2. You're the best.

Our favorite line:

So I go into my wallet and pulled out my ACE card, and it almost seemed like a drug bust.

Again, Coasterfreak2, you rule.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Multimedia Empire Expands

For some reason, we now have a podcast. Use this URL:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/Absolutelyreliablepodcast

(Put this URL in iPodder, iTunes, or whatever podcasting client you like.) Or you can hear the first episode here.

The podcast has some exclusive content - this week's main story, exclusive coverage of the Red Zone plans for Six Flags, isn't on the usual site - so you naturally must subscribe. It's 210 seconds you can't live without.