Thursday, March 22, 2007

Carlos Mencia Ejected From Magic Kingdom

Carlos Mencia, host of the Comedy Central show Mind of Mencia, was forcibly ejected from Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom yesterday by Disney Security. A press release issued by the Walt Disney Company confirmed that the beleaguered comedian was removed from the park for trespassing and conduct unbecoming a Disney Guest.

According to the statement, Mencia was present at the Magic Kingdom entrance around 6am, and upon official park opening, entered the queue for the park’s new
Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor Comedy Club. During the first performance, Mencia was verbally warned several times not to videotape the show, but chose to ignore the requests, leading to him being escorted from the attraction.

Mencia then allegedly gained entrance to the attraction again, disguising himself with a Goofy hat and a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses. ARN&R spoke to several Disney guests present during the incident, and gained some details of Mencia’s bizarre behavior.

“The pre-show was pretty neat, especially when they ask people to text in jokes that the monsters can use in their act,” said Ray Goering of Independence, Kentucky. “I noticed that that Mencia guy was moving around the room and peering over people’s shoulders to see what they were texting. He would do that, scribble something on a napkin, and then move on to someone else. And he kept talking to himself, saying something like ‘That’s gold, that’s gold.’ The guy was really creeping me out.”

After several complaints from guests, Disney Security once again escorted Mencia out of the theatre, and warned him further attempts to gain entrance to the attraction would result in his ejection from the park. Approximately a half-hour later, Security was summoned again, and found Mencia at the attraction’s exit, pressing an audio recording device up to a crack in the doorway. Mencia was then ejected from the park.

Unconfirmed reports stated that later that day, Mencia exhibited similar behavior at Epcot’s Honey, I Shrunk The Audience and the Animal Kingdom’s Pocahontas and Her Forest Friends. In both cases, Mencia fled before Disney Security could intervene.

Representatives for Mencia and Comedy Central refused to comment, saying only that Mencia is on an extended vacation in Branson, Missouri, where he plans to attend scores of performances at the Yakov Smirnoff Theatre.


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Bracket Picks Based on Favorite Coasters

It's March, time for millions of people, whether avid basketball fans or not, to enter in workplace pools, picking the winners of the NCAA Division I championship. Iowa coaster enthusiast Eric Locksley has what is undoubtedly a unique approach in how he selected teams for entering the pool at the local Old Country Buffet, where he has worked for the past five years. ("I love the discount!")

Locksley, who says the only sport he watches is curling, picks teams based entirely on the quality of the amusement park rides in their home states. A huge fan of Six Flags New England and Mount Olympus, he picked Boston College and Wisconsin to reach the championship game. Unfortunately, both have already been defeated.

"Damn!" he said, when reached for an interview. "I'd picked Hades to totally kick Superman's ass!"

Locksley's coworkers say they are perfectly happy to take his entry fee but that they wish he would stop talking about rumors about Arnold's Park getting a massive new hypercoaster.


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Addition of Tofurky to Turkey Whirl Fails Miserably

Holiday World is well-known, and deservedly so, for its friendly and welcoming nature. From Mrs. Koch greeting folks at the entrance to some of the nicest employees in the industry, it's just a plain cozy place to be.

So it should come as no surprise that the park would attempt to make its new turkey-themed Tilt-A-Whirl, "Turkey Whirl," welcoming to everyone, even vegetarians.

"But it didn't work, did it?" laughed park head Will Koch. "We thought we had the technology, the know-how, and the equipment, but we didn't count on what happened..."

As Koch tells it, the plan worked well during the bitterest cold. "The good people at Sellner had formed together about thirty Tofurky roasts, using Tofurky Jurky and 'Giblet' and Mushroom Gravy as adhesives, and somehow made it fit together in the exact shape of a Tilt-A-Whirl ride carriage. It went great when we first tested the ride -- it was about ten degrees out and the people riding the Tofurky Whirl seat loved it! The slight flexibility of products formed from water, vital wheat gluten, organic tofu (water, organic soybeans, magnesium chloride, calcium chloride), white beans, garbanzo beans, non genetically engineered corn starch, natural vegetarian flavor, expeller pressed non genetically engineered canola oil, shoyu soy sauce (water, non genetically engineered soy beans, wheat, salt, culture), spices, lemon juice, and calcium lactate from beets, actually made the ride a bit more comfortable!"

Things went awry, however, when the temperature rose above freezing for several days last week.

"We were doing some training for ride operators, so we started up the ride again. But..." Here Koch's voice trailed off, and he just shook his head quietly. But surveillance video obtained by ARN&R tells the rest of the story.

As the ride starts, all of the test riders (all new employees) are laughing and enjoying themselves, including the vegetarian employees who moved there from northern California. As the ride reaches its normal operating speed, however, bits of soy-based products start flying off, with Tofurky deli slices pelting the ride operator trainer and Not Dogs later being found as far as 100 feet away. By the time the ride came to a complete stop, the employees who were sitting in the Soy Seat were sitting in a small puddle of melted soy protein, safe but humiliated.

Koch says that he is putting on hold plans to offer vegan water ride tubes formed out of tempeh.


Friday, March 02, 2007

SFGAMWorld Forum Poster Sadly Mistaken

We here at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors wholeheartedly applaud the Six Flags decision to bring the Johnny Rockets hamburger chain to several of its park locations for the 2007 season. After all, what could be better for Six Flags than another understaffed counter-service restaurant with questionable nutritional value?

But as is the case with all earth-shaking announcements of this nature, incorrect information is bound to spread. Such is the case in
this SFGAMWorld thread discussing the possible location of the restaurant at Great America. In this thread, the poster known as “Aaron084” states that he won’t mind paying $2.50 for one of the eatery’s soft drinks, seeing as how they will be offered in an “all-you-can-drink” format.

“W-what?” asked a stunned Six Flags Chairman of the Board Daniel Snyder during an unsolicited telephone interview. “Someone actually thinks Johnny Rockets is going to have all-you-can-drink refreshments? And for two-fifty? You’ve got to be kidding me!

When ARN&R read the online statement to him verbatim, Snyder excused himself for nearly thirty seconds, during which hysterical laughter and coughing was audible. When he returned, he asked “Why don’t you ask Aaron084 if he’d like anything else in the 2007 season? Free parking, perhaps? How about friendly ride operators? Maybe restrooms that get cleaned more than once every moon cycle? I’ll tell Aaron084 what I tell all Six Flags patrons; if you don’t like the way we do business, go pound sand.

“Two fifty for a Coke,” Snyder muttered before hanging up. “You’ve got to be f---ing kidding me.”

(In addition, the SFGAMWorld poster known as
Cs5163 is the winner of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Obvious Proclamation Award for the month of February for her statement “heck even a resturant that is strickly buffet I would like”.)