Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Six Flags Magic Mountain Sent to Betty Ford Clinic

In a press conference today, Keiran Burke, Six Flags CEO, stated that rumors about Six Flags Magic Mountain checking into the well-known Betty Ford clinic for substance abuse were true. The announcement came after Burke had been hounded about the situation from concerned media for the past several weeks.

According to Burke, Six Flags Magic Mountain regressed into heroin, crack and sex addiction mere days after it was announced that Six Flags Great Adventure would be receiving the record-setting Kingda Ka roller coaster in 2005, while SFMM would only get a new Sno-Cone stand.

"Six Flags Magic Mountain made mistakes, but is doing better now that it has checked into the Betty Ford Clinic," Burke told a crowd standing in the SFGRAD parking lot that will soon be painted green to look like grass in a poor attempt to theme a coaster. "Remember, the first part of fixing the problem is admitting you have one. I'm convinced this park will make a full recovery."

In a statement released just hours after Burke's announcement, Six Flags Magic Mountain discussed some of the reasons as to why it had started the insatiable drug abuse. "I was always used to getting the biggest. The best. In the past few years, hearing people refer to me as 'Tragic Mountain' really hurt, ya know?"

Six Flags Magic Mountain went on to explain how the addiction began. "I was expecting to get that new ride. I needed it! I was used to being showered with gifts from corporate, but now they've turned their backs on me. They know I need to be in constant competition with Cedar Point, and Kingda Ka, or as it would have been called were it to have been installed here, 'Superman: The Ultimate Road Runner's Escape of the Dark Knight's Revenge,' would have put me back up to par, and one coaster ahead of that tramp, Cedar Point."

(When queried as to whether the coaster addition would have really put the park even with Cedar Point, SFMM released a clarifying second statement indicating that it feels "Superman is a coaster, even if it can't keep it up. End of discussion.")

Burke and SFMM refused to divulge how long the park would remain in the rehabilitation program.

--TS
But Wait, There's More

We know you can't get enough of Psycho Loser Stalker Jerkoff, so we're committed to providing you with as many steaming platefuls of him as you can stomach. We found a wonderful thread featuring PLSJ at PKI Central, and in fact two different people had come up with story ideas making use of that topic as a Site O' the Weak. Sadly, someone at the site recently decided to make that topic a members-only discussion, making its use as a SOW somewhat difficult.

However, we shall instruct you on how to see this magnificent discussion; it merely takes a few seconds out of your day, and, believe us, it will be worth it.

First, go to PKI Central and sign up for a user name. All you need to do is ask for a login name and provide a real email address, and you can log on. You don't even need to go through a tedious reconfirmation process through your email. Now you are a member, and can read whatever topics you want at the site.

Next, direct your browser to "What is up with Taxi Jam?" a thread so magnificent and wonderful that you will unable to think about anything else, even masturbating to Kumba Ka pictures, for weeks.

For those of you thinking of skipping out on this once-in-a-lifetime experience, due to the possibility that it will take a few minutes out of your day, keep in mind that this is the most amazing and wondrous thread ever made. When Psycho Loser Jackoff Stalker begins a thread by bitching about not being allowed on Top Cat's Taxi Jam, a coaster which is, seriously, about six feet high and goes in one little oval, and refers to an alleged companion as his "Asian Ladyfriend" about four hundred times in each paragraph, it's already worth seeing. But then it actually gets better, as his posts grow more insane and the responses of the other forum participants grow ever more nasty. Oh, it brought tears of joy to our eyes, and savage pain to our spleens.

Read. Taste. Gnaw. Devour. Experience. You'll fall on your knees and thank us.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: The part where he threatens to "beat the crap" out of some enthusiasts and informs everyoen that he "is not someone to mess with" is also pretty amazing.]