Tuesday, July 15, 2003

CoasterBuzz Club to Formalize Hazing, Add Branding; New Slogan Also Announced

In a widely-distributed press release, CoasterBuzz announced today that its successful club will formalize its already well-established brutal hazing practices as well as add branding of new members.

New members will now undergo a five-day hazing ritual complete with portly robed elder members slapping them repeatedly (with frequent breaks for the elders to catch their breath), forced gravy chugging, and wrapping up new members in twin-bed sheets (all too commonly available amongst members) and soaking them in Kool-Aid. "We might work on that last ritual. It sorta sucks," said owner Jeff Putz. "Maybe some of the frats at Ohio State have some ideas for us."

Additionally, new members will, at the end of the five-day ritual, receive a five-inch-diameter brand on their left buttock. According to Putz, the brand will replace the Club's membership card for admission to events. "It's a lot easier for us -- because, really, who's going to forget to bring their ass to an event?" The branding, performed with a red-hot cattle brand at the Club's events, will be included for free with membership.

In related news, CoasterBuzz announced its new slogan: "People Like It Here Because We're Funnier and Smarter Than They Are."

In an enormous en masse interview, a group made up of every member who spends an inordinate amount of time posting inordinately long messages all dedicated to how cool they are stated that the slogan simply reflects reality. "We are funnier and smarter than the people at every other enthusiast site," said the group of inordinate users in unison. "People like us. On this site, anyway; elsewhere, not so much. All those who are not us should bow down and not seek to engage us in debate, because, as we may have mentioned, we are funnier and smarter than they are."

The new members' brand will have the new slogan, slightly modified to read: "I like it at CoasterBuzz because they are funnier and smarter than I am. Love me. Please, love me. No, really. I could use a hug."
Enthusiast Getting Really Tired of Childish Travelling Partners

William Goodwin, 35-year-old coaster enthusiast from Omaha, Nebraska, is really fed up with the immature antics of his travelling buddies, sources tell ARN&R. The other men, Dave Branson, Wayne Washington, and Paul Redford, are all in their mid-thirties, yet they persist in behavior that Goodwin deems "really stupid."

"I do love these dudes," said Goodwin. "I've known them for years and they've been good friends. But I just don't know that I can ever go on another trip with them. It's like having three bratty kids in the hotel room and the car. Actually, bratty kids would be better, because you can threaten to take away their sugary snacks, but these guys are bigger than me, so that kind of threat doesn't really work."

Goodwin catalogued a series of irritations he had been subjected to on his latest vacation with his coaster buddies, this one through Indiana, Kentucky, and Ohio. "The farting contests got old real quick. And that thing where they hold out their hand in this particular shape, and then if you look at it you get punched? Yeah, that was fun once...in second grade. And it's just flat out gross the way they scam on those high school girls running the coasters. Oh, and the in-car food fights are also a small problem, seeing as I prefer not to have my nice pants and white dress shirts coated in grease and ketchup most of the time. Oh! And they always think it's cute to rearrange all the pictures and furniture in the hotel room! Augh!"

The final straw seemed to come with the way his friends "have to be immature about every sign or ride name they ever see." Says Goodwin, "they are incapable of calling Cornball Express by its real name. They always have to call it 'Cornhole Express.' And signs for 'Parking in Rear' are always enough to get them cackling. The worst was when we passed a sign for some recreation area called 'Big Bone Lick' between Louisville and Cincinatti. I have no idea what's so funny about that name, but they almost had a seizure when they saw it. I guess being mature is a little more difficult for some than for others."

Goodwin concluded by stating that he would continue to spend some time with his friends, but they would have to "giggle unceasingly about 'the Whizzer' and 'ThrustAir' without [him]."