Saturday, January 17, 2004

Insignificant Item Goes Missing, Enthusiasts Soil Pants

Millions of coaster enthusiasts have soiled their pants with terror and worry the past week, as news slipped out that the Six Flags Great America Demon has had three stupid f***ing flag poles removed from its lift hill.

"This is the first time I've explosively evacuated my bowels into my undies since at least eleventh grade," stated a visibly upset Steven Horner, 19. "I will have this day burned into my eyes, and sphincter, for decades. I was driving along the interstate past Six Flags Great America, admiring the gorgeous view of a respendent, shining, headbanging Demon, when....then I noticed something was wrong....Oh God! How could this be? There were....there were....flag poles missing from the lift hill! Oh, the humanity." Horner then began sobbing violently.

"I only learned about this national tragedy today at rec.roller-coaster," stated Arthur Wiggenbottoms, 48. "I have been through six pairs of panties in just a few hours. I'll be sitting there, and all of a sudden...WHAM...I'll get nervous thinking about those poor flag poles and what the park could possibly be doing with them and I'll just urinate all over myself. I'm ashamed, but the park should be more ashamed of what they've done to the American way of life by removing those flag poles."

He added, "oops, I just got worried about those beautiful, important flag poles again. Excuse me." He then walked funny in the general direction of his bathroom.

"Who wouldn't feel terrified knowing that a major theme park has taken down some flag poles?" asked Peter Wolf, 14. "This is very important and troubling stuff. It made me so upset that this park could betray us in this manner that I squeezed my lemon so the juice ran down my legs, if you catch me drift. But that only relaxed me for a few minutes, and then I was uncomfortable and worried again. Plus my pants were covered in my love batter."

A Six Flags Great America spokesperson issued a statement that claimed the park would "not be holding a press conference to discuss why we took down three stupid f***ing flag poles" and added that enthusiasts "really just need get laid or something."